wife walks out after 36 years marriage and now wants us to be friends

[Objectiveman]

After 36 years marriage my wife walked out on me.
Announced one night that "I deserved someone better" and she wanted a new start in life. Her mind was made up. It was not bad council/advice by friends and was soley her decision. I had no option but to accept it.
( 7 years previous she had a text affair 50/60 texts per day for weeks to some guy, I accidently found out when she left her account open on the laptop ) She said at the time " You deserve someone better"
I had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide, but forgave her.
Back to the present.
Within 5 days she had packed all her clothes, took the car and left.
House was to be sold.
I had seen she had been nervous recently, I had bought her flowers one day and she acted like I had scared her and raced into the kitchen to put them in a vase. Phone calls were made behind closed doors. - But I thought nothing of it.
I stated, if its over I wanted a formal separation.
I asked her was she "Up to something" and in a "FLAT tone" she denied she doing anything wrong and not cheating on me.
I was paying her sim card bill. Next billing period. " You deserve someone better" made me look to see if there was something in her calls that would account for her behaviour.
Well I found a number that was being Called, When I was in bed, when I was at work, When she was supposed to be doing overtime.
I called it ....
Turns out it was the husband of a friend of hers who had died recently.
A friend she only seen 3-4 times a year. But whom she saw more often during her illness and leading up to her death. 37 calls to him in 50 days. As early as 7:30am and as late as 10:45pm ( for 40 minutes).
He denied there were any calls made to him. ( Could they of been Bereavement comfort calls - I don't know )
Once I produced the evidence and ( Some unsavoury words ) I was blocked by her on phone, mail, whatsapp etc:
I've had another nervous breakdown and am on the usual medication.
Communication has had to occur due to house sale.
She has now been away 5 months.
However she now tagged on to a recent email ( thats the only way I'm prepared to communicate ) that she hopes we can be friends in the future and meet at Christmas, weddings and baptisms.
Is it unreasonable for me to say I will NEVER be in even the same building with you. We will NEVER meet again.

I can't understand it.
She wanted an "New life", got it including a separation. I even helped her get things together - until I found out about the calls. I'm standing over - she cheated on me. I don't know if he rang her. or if they met.
He does'nt live close. But she was going to work an hour early and coming home an hour late.... I don't understand that.
But I was all done behind my back.
We have adult children. I have told them they will have to accept I won't be at these events if she is there. We will do something privately elsewhere.
Am I unreasonable.?

Have we lost the OP?

No OP is still here.
I think the answer is - don't submit to her request for a friendship.
She doesn't deserve it.
Let myself heal.
Consider the adult childrens needs and if I can take part in a family event that she is present at try to do so. I temper that with I have to respect myself and my health.

To some that have made comments about she only stayed these last 7 years because of my mental health following her last infidelity. They are wrong. We had a great relationship up until 6 months ago - then she started to behave strangely - even children said so.
I was the one that hoovered and mopped the house, did the shopping and until she became vegan had dinner ready for her every day. ( No I was not controlling )
To that person who suggested I find a male site, mumsnet is not exclusive for females.

I thank everyone for their responses.

You are always going to get diverse opinions. And that’s not a bad thing. I think your last post shows your mind is pretty sorted. You will never know the full extent of her mind - set or the degree of cheating that may or may not happened.

But in the end, in the fullness of time, the pain lessens and you move on.

Personally, I agree with you. Having to spend time with her at family functions will only create bad energy that will affect everyone.

If you could have a friendly, amicable post break - up relationship, then possibly. But you are still hurting. Quite badly. You need to let it go. And she needs to stop casting a baited hook, whatever her reasons are.

However - I don't know if I could stretch it to an encounter with what of what has been my torturer and potential executioner

To be honest, this line sent my alarm bells ringing, the type of people who blame others for their (potential) future suicide and past suicide attempts tend to be very manipulative and abusive.

It sounds that your relationship wasn't going well, you both worked on it but weren't able to sustain it. Sometimes people change and no longer work together without a lot of effort. People sometimes want an easier life. It's sad it's over but maybe you need to getter better mentally and emotionally and then move on to a new relationship if that's what you want. Time can heal and make feelings less jarring if you allow it to.

I left one of my ex partner's. He told me he was suicidal and had a breakdown when I tried to talk to him about our relationship and the problems we were having. I was unable to leave him and stayed with him for a few months until I felt I could safely leave him. I was miserable. He wanted me to turn down a promotion, quit my job and get a job working alongside him - something I was overtrained for and had no interest in.

I realised that he was very manipulative. Everything was about his feelings and not upsetting him. Meeting someone else that I could be potentially happy with was the push I needed to eventually leave. I didn't have a relationship with the person that got me to leave because I wasn't ready for a new relationship. It was the idea of having a partner that I could have a better relationship with - not that second man himself.

My ex partner is still bitter that I left him many years later. He has held onto his anger. He is angry at many other women. He has a poor relationship with his mother and I wonder if that is significant - she split with his father (his father cheated) and married someone else when he was an adult and had left home.

Fabio... I think your right on.
Gingerkitty , there's what's callled "cause and effect". Cause ... her behaviour . Effect what it did to me. When you have a mental breakdown it's out of your control. Rational is actually irrational. You need to stop being an unqualified Psychiatrist. There are too many on this site - and other sites.
Pandemic .... read the threads before you make judgement. Our relationship was great. Loving, Touching, Laughter, more importantly planning, - up until her friend died 8 months ago.... read that script.

Except your threads from 2013 show that your relationship wasn't going well.
Far from it. You are rewriting history to suit your narrative.

Tried and failed to read your posts but got the jist. If this is real seek help. Your ex is not responsible for your breakdowns or suicide attempts. In fact its no wonder she left if you are like this in real life.

You children should not be made to choose. If you force it you will lose out.
You will miss important family events. Just join in and forbear. Ignore the ex. She isn't worth it.

The best revenge is living well. Sort yourself out. Get therapy. Then when you are better find someone else who isn't a cheat. Good luck.

Sorry for your ordeal OP, but you really shouldn’t force your children to choose.

@Objectiveman

Fabio... I think your right on. Gingerkitty , there's what's callled "cause and effect". Cause ... her behaviour . Effect what it did to me. When you have a mental breakdown it's out of your control. Rational is actually irrational. You need to stop being an unqualified Psychiatrist. There are too many on this site - and other sites. Pandemic .... read the threads before you make judgement. Our relationship was great. Loving, Touching, Laughter, more importantly planning, - up until her friend died 8 months ago.... read that script.

I'm not a psychiatrist but I am someone who has struggled with my own mental health including self harm and suicide attempts when younger.

Your mental health is your responsibility, nobody makes you attempt suicide and nobody made you have a breakdown.

Again, the way you have phrased it comes across as a massive red flag to me.

Objectiveman

As I stated, you are going get diverse opinions. Just filter out the ones that really don’t apply to you, because only you know the truth.

Don’t move forward to live your best life because someone says it’s the best revenge, live and love your best life because hopefully it will make you happy. Grit your teeth, wish her well, ( And in time you may wish her well, completely free of bitterness ). Take each each day and fill it with positive things and tasks.

Tell her graciously, you don’t wish to be friends, you’d rather just move forward without her in your life in any shape or form.

Her casting a line to you, you questioning her motives, really, it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t.

Gingerkittycat read up on infidelity related PTSD it comes with a lovely set of symptoms including anxiety attacks, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts and hyper vigilance among others. It is a direct result of the trauma of infidelity. Cause and effect. It exists and it often hits people with no previous mental health issues like myself. Mine was caused by my husband banging the young blonde with the big tits at work and my world crashing down around me. Do you want to tell me that I’m responsible for it?

Objectiveman I think you’ve taken what you needed from this and I think you’ve coped well with some dreadful things being written to you with no evidence. I’m sorry that posters here are rewriting YOUR narrative.

I wish you well on your healing journey.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I’d not even bother acknowledging what she said. Stick to business matters ev house sale and divorce.

I’d feel exactly like you do currently. Leave it, she knows she’s in the wing and is trying to assuage her own guilt and trying to get back respect of her children most likely.

You are perfectly within your rights to make your mind up about who’s you wish to proceed.

Time does heal however, and you might find down the line you’ll care less.

I hope this passes quickly for you. Your feelings are valid.