Husband wants to holiday alone

[Pippapeppa]

My husband has decided that he wants to go to a horse race meeting early on in the kids school summer holidays for 4 full days (3 nights), all in the working week.
This will mean that he's not around to help with childcare and I will have to take holiday off work (of which I get very little) to look after the kids. The kids are 12 and 10 so not little but also not old enough to be left alone all day.
He said that after that he'll be around to look after the kids over the Summer so I don't have to worry about it. (He's self employed so has a lot of flexibility)
It just really annoys me that he feels he can swan off to do something with friends and leave me to figure out the rest. He's suggested that the kids could go to my parents for a couple of days, which is nice of him, but I dont want them to feel like they're being used. He doesn't see his parents so no chance of asking them!
I have a responsible job and it just strikes me as unfair that he thinks he can swan off, whilst the kids are off school and leave me with it. But also meaning that I'll have to use up holiday that could otherwise have been spent doing something nice!
I always prioritise the kids so will end up just doing what's necessary to make sure they are okay but I really resent being put in this position.
I think it's selfish and looking out for himself instead of thinking of the whole family unit...

@Starry night.
Although the kids are 10 and 12 (just) I am sure that OP would worry about them if they were alone all day. She would then not be able to concentrate properly. Also if the children had an accident, (very possible) then OP would have social services pestering her and they could prosecute for neglect.

I'd be pissed off with my DH if his 'solution' is basically my family stepping in to provide childcare. That's not a solution - it's still indirectly making childcare the responsibility of the OP because the parents will see this as a favour to her not him. OP says they aren't wildly enthusiastic about these favours so she will get the flak but no benefit - it only facilitates his enjoyment.
I'd want a better solution. But tbh I couldn't be married to someone who generally did whatever suited themselves without considering me.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I'd be pissed off with my DH if his 'solution' is basically my family stepping in to provide childcare. That's not a solution - it's still indirectly making childcare the responsibility of the OP because the parents will see this as a favour to her not him. OP says they aren't wildly enthusiastic about these favours so she will get the flak but no benefit - it only facilitates his enjoyment. I'd want a better solution. But tbh I couldn't be married to someone who generally did whatever suited themselves without considering me.

That wasn't the only solution, though.

She doesn't want them going to holiday clubs, nor does she want to use any of her own annual leave to cover some of the holidays - though it's okay for her DH to arrange HIS job to cover almost 6 weeks of holiday time by himself.

If he actually sorts the holiday clubs out, then fair enough. So long as it doesn't become something for OP to end up booking .

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I'd be pissed off with my DH if his 'solution' is basically my family stepping in to provide childcare. That's not a solution - it's still indirectly making childcare the responsibility of the OP because the parents will see this as a favour to her not him. OP says they aren't wildly enthusiastic about these favours so she will get the flak but no benefit - it only facilitates his enjoyment. I'd want a better solution. But tbh I couldn't be married to someone who generally did whatever suited themselves without considering me.

Yes, it's a bit 'minimum effort needed from me' as a solution. Tell him parents need to be a favour for rare occasions and he should organise holiday club. Plus it'll need to be wraparound care so he doesn't book them for the 10-3 pattern where you can't actually do a full work day.

I would also say though that you've said yours is a responsible busy job, but also that you don't get a lot of leave. Don't be a martyr to your job OR your husband if you aren't getting proper recognition or rewards from either of them.

It's only fair that this is reciprocated, so, whenever it's convenient, have 4 days away on your own or with friends, whilst he either takes time off work to look after the kids or sorts childcare out, seems only fair. I think the break away from everyone will do you some good. It really isn't healthy to not bear to spend 4 days without your kids, that's too clingy, you should have your own identity other than the wife and mother.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

If he actually sorts the holiday clubs out, then fair enough. So long as it doesn't become something for OP to end up booking .

But OP doesn't want them to go to holiday clubs as she doesn't think they'd enjoy themselves.

OP sounds like hard work. Book yourself a holiday with your friends and let him sort the kids. Everyone is allowed to have their own time. Give and take makes life much easier

I’ve been a single parent for 16 years. Really can’t see the problem in managing for 4 days.

YABU. Just say to him, "oh lovely enjoy yourself, but I really can't take that time off work as I don't have much holiday - will you talk to the kids about holiday clubs and then book something up, or going to stay with the GPs for a few days? Or are you taking the kids with you?"

Also your comment about not wanting to be apart from the kids - it's only 3 nights and they are both over 10 - I think you are in a bad mood and being ridiculous. You can't throw up objections to every single reasonable solution just because you're jealous that he is going away with his mates.

I know the OP has said she wouldn’t leave her DC at home alone but just as a matter of interest, the NSPCC say that a 12 yr old shouldn’t be left home alone for long (ie/certainly not a full working day) and a 10 yr old shouldn’t be looked after by an older sibling, they need a childminder or to go to family etc.

OP, I get where you’re coming from. It’s not him going away for a few days, it’s the announcement and expectations that everyone will fall in with his plans. He’s self employed so can take annual leave when he chooses while you’re limited to a handful of weeks. Also the implication that he’s helping you by taking responsibility for the rest of the summer holidays needs to be addressed - he’s not doing you a favour, it’s a joint responsibility to care for kids. Not solely yours. Sounds like you’ve been doing it all til now so it’s about bloody time he stepped up. It’s not that he’s not allowed time away because of course he is. I get the feeling that your needs come bottom so hopefully you can take steps to redress the balance. Also, while he should sort the childcare I’d probably just ask my folks for my own peace of mind!

I know the OP has said she wouldn’t leave her DC at home alone but just as a matter of interest, the NSPCC say that a 12 yr old shouldn’t be left home alone for long (ie/certainly not a full working day) and a 10 yr old shouldn’t be looked after by an older sibling, they need a childminder or to go to family etc.

What the NSPCC say is not the law though - it's guidance and ultimately it's up to the parents to decide.

Where I live there is no childcare past the age of 11 so the vast majority of children are left home alone because, well, parents have no choice.

OP, I do feel for you, and as some others have suggested, it does sound like this is not a very happy marriage. I am not going to suggest that you leave your (D)H, because I know that if I was in your position, sorting out all the problems of leaving my husband under these conditions would seem far too exhausting and problematical, than just living with the situation.

However, I would also think, it is "only" another 8 years until my youngest is an adult, and whilst trying to keep as amiable a relationship with my husband during that time as possible, I would also be squirriling away a little money each month if possible, and doing some longterm thinking about where I would live afterwards.

If I am wrong about the state of your marriage, and that you do still love your DH, and believe that he still loves you, then please consider marriage counselling together, because you both need to feel not only loved and wanted, but respected too. I can almost promise you that having an experienced, and not biased other adult in the room, aiding your discussions is very helpful (through personal experience).

The way you describe your (D)M&D OP sounds to me like you have never felt that they put your needs and feelings above theirs. I don't want to sound like a psychologist, but I wonder if you always putting your DC first, is as a result of feeling that your DM&D never did that for you. Anyway, as a (hopefully D)GP myself, most of the time my DH and I have spent looking after our DG has been to suit their DM&D, but twice a year we have taken our DGC on mini holiday's at our bequest.
So, I think that you should ask your DM&D to have the DGC this time, and see their reaction, I am hoping it will be one of delight that they can both have their DGC, and that they can help you out too!

For the present predicament, please do also think seriously about the suggestion some other PPs have offered, about you taking your DC away somewhere nice for the 3 nights. When we take our DGC away for mini breaks we (now that they are older) book 2 connecting Premier Inn rooms, and take them somewhere that is about 2 to 3 hours away. In the summer this could be to near a seaside resort, but for us it would be somewhere like Alton Towers/Chester Zoo/Legoland/London Zoo, plus visit the sites in London, etc If you all enjoy whatever type of activity you choose, and can of course afford it, you should have a great time. When I was their age I would have enjoyed visiting anywhere different, and staying in a caravan (especially if it had a pool), and on rainy days playing board games in the caravan, and getting all wrapped up, and going for a drink and cakes to a nice cafe. If I could afford it, I would have actually prefered that, to staying at work whilst my DM had her DGC.

Please come back OP when you have decided what to do, I and I am sure quite a few others, do care what happens, and hope to find out that you have decided on a course of action that you are all happy with xx