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Original poster

Husband wants to holiday alone

113 replies

Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 05:30

My husband has decided that he wants to go to a horse race meeting early on in the kids school summer holidays for 4 full days (3 nights), all in the working week.
This will mean that he's not around to help with childcare and I will have to take holiday off work (of which I get very little) to look after the kids. The kids are 12 and 10 so not little but also not old enough to be left alone all day.
He said that after that he'll be around to look after the kids over the Summer so I don't have to worry about it. (He's self employed so has a lot of flexibility)
It just really annoys me that he feels he can swan off to do something with friends and leave me to figure out the rest. He's suggested that the kids could go to my parents for a couple of days, which is nice of him, but I dont want them to feel like they're being used. He doesn't see his parents so no chance of asking them!
I have a responsible job and it just strikes me as unfair that he thinks he can swan off, whilst the kids are off school and leave me with it. But also meaning that I'll have to use up holiday that could otherwise have been spent doing something nice!
I always prioritise the kids so will end up just doing what's necessary to make sure they are okay but I really resent being put in this position.
I think it's selfish and looking out for himself instead of thinking of the whole family unit...

OP posts:
tentosix · 05/06/2021 09:33

If he is taking on a lot of the school summer holidays, surely you can sort out a babysitter for a few days? Or get him to do this. Your parents sound a good idea.

AttaGirrrrl · 05/06/2021 09:42

Like the others, I don’t think the holiday is the problem. The problem is the implication that you will ‘fix’ it (everything?) to make it work. STBXH used to do this. Eventually I said that I really didn’t mind what he did, so long as he ensured that it didn’t have a negative impact on me. If he wanted to go golfing for a week, fine, but he needed to book the childcare / take the dc to his mums / take them with him, etc.

Tbf, he took that on board and also did the same for me. I had great weekends away with friends, went on a fabulous holiday abroad etc, because we accepted that we didn’t need to spend all of our time together.

‘STBXH’ gives you clue though: while he got better at this, the general rubbishness/ selfish streak didn’t really change. If your OH is doing the “I’m going away and you need to fix it” thing there are probably bigger issues there too.

Original poster
Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 09:51

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

But also meaning that I'll have to use up holiday that could otherwise have been spent doing something nice

Is not spending four days out of the whole summer holidays with your children not nice? It sounds like he is the one home with them for the rest of the long break whilst juggling work.

I have some holiday towards the end of the summer and we are going away. I think you've mis construed my comment I was meaning it could be used as a family holiday some other time, Oct half term or Xmas for example. My husband is taking the whole summer off x
OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 05/06/2021 09:52

Book a few days away with your friends from the day he gets back and leave him to it

denverRegina · 05/06/2021 10:05

He's suggested asking your parents but you don't want him to do that.

You could take leave but you don't want to.

They could go to holiday club but you don't want them to.

They could stay at home as they're 12 and 10 but you don't want them to.

So what's the alternative? He never gets to go on a trip to the races with his mates? Sorry but that's ridiculous.

You've also said in one post that he'd never accept you going away during the working week but in another post you say he told you not to worry about the rest of summer and that he's taking the whole of the holidays off!

You're being difficult because you don't want him to go for some reason and you're being a martyr.

Nuggetnugget · 05/06/2021 10:07

He's taking the whole summer off to mind the kids. He sounds great!

Original poster
Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 10:10

@denverRegina

He's suggested asking your parents but you don't want him to do that.

You could take leave but you don't want to.

They could go to holiday club but you don't want them to.

They could stay at home as they're 12 and 10 but you don't want them to.

So what's the alternative? He never gets to go on a trip to the races with his mates? Sorry but that's ridiculous.

You've also said in one post that he'd never accept you going away during the working week but in another post you say he told you not to worry about the rest of summer and that he's taking the whole of the holidays off!

You're being difficult because you don't want him to go for some reason and you're being a martyr.

Holiday club and parents are def possibilities. Holiday for me possibly not as I don't get much holiday. There is no question that he is going, he will not take my thoughts on board whatsoever. He is going. And I'll sort the rest.
OP posts:
Original poster
Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 10:13

Thanks for all your comments. It's good to hear different viewpoints. I think it's getting a bit unwieldy so I shan't post anymore on this thread.
Thanks again x

OP posts:
daisypond · 05/06/2021 10:14

Why don’t you get much holiday? You surely get the legal amount. It’s normal to have to take holiday just to mind your children at home in the school holidays. What have you done in previously? For a dad to be able to take five or so weeks off work to mind his children is incredibly rare. You are in a very fortunate position, it seems.

denverRegina · 05/06/2021 10:16

"Holiday club and parents are def possibilities.
Holiday for me possibly not as I don't get much holiday.
There is no question that he is going, he will not take my thoughts on board whatsoever. He is going.
And I'll sort the rest."

Ok, well in your last post you said you had enough leave left for a potential family holiday at Christmas or October.

As for you "sorting the rest", why? Tell him to give your parents a call and see which, if any, of the days they could have the kids. Or to book them into holiday club.

It is a 3 night trip. The kids are 12 and 10. He's taking the rest of the summer off and will be looking after them then.

Should he also martyr himself until they are both 18 just because you choose to? I know I don't and never would.

SarahBellam · 05/06/2021 10:21

If he was doing it once a month then yes, an issue, but 4 days after a year of nothing? I would encourage him to go - especially if he’s picking up the bulk of the holiday care. Are you worried that you can’t look after the kids on your own for 4 days?

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2021 10:31

There is no question that he is going, he will not take my thoughts on board whatsoever. He is going.And I'll sort the rest.

Definite martyr tone to this. And if I’m honest, I can’t blame him not taking your thoughts into account, because basically you just don’t want him to go. That’s the fundamental issue. Not the kids or anything else. You just don’t want to let him out.

My husband and I have always had weekends away or holidays with friends, I can’t imagine I’d have to stay home because he doesn’t want to use annual leave or get involved with the kids or he’d ask me to. Our marriage would be over if we treated each other like that.

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2021 10:32

@Pippapeppa

Thanks for all your comments. It's good to hear different viewpoints. I think it's getting a bit unwieldy so I shan't post anymore on this thread. Thanks again x
Does this translate to “ I’m pissed you didn’t all agree with me, but I’m not going to say so and I’m gonna flounce?

😃

cupsofcoffee · 05/06/2021 10:38

Sorry, but it's totally normal to have to use your own annual leave, pay for childcare/holiday clubs or rely on family for help over the school holidays.

Doing that for four days is REALLY no big deal.

Sittingonabench · 05/06/2021 10:48

It sounds like you could take a bit of your holiday away from the family, but you will choose not to as you would prefer to spend it as family time. That’s fine, but I don’t think you can expect him to want exactly the same things. He may feel now the kids are older he can have a bit of personal one which will be good for him rather than the entire unit. That is sensible IMO, as you need to take care of yourself not just the family unit, there should be a balance as the kids get older.

crazymicrowave123 · 05/06/2021 10:50

@Bluntness100 Does this translate to “ I’m pissed you didn’t all agree with me, but I’m not going to say so and I’m gonna flounce?

My thoughts exactly Grin

ufucoffee · 05/06/2021 10:51

Yabu OP. Ask your parents if they'd have the children. They might enjoy it.

Original poster
Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 10:54

[quote crazymicrowave123]@Bluntness100 Does this translate to “ I’m pissed you didn’t all agree with me, but I’m not going to say so and I’m gonna flounce?

My thoughts exactly Grin[/quote]
No absolutely not but we could be here all day!!
I do feel I've got more of a balanced view after reading all this and am grateful.
Anyway I really do want to stop commenting now.... thanks x

OP posts:
OccaChocca · 05/06/2021 10:58

Not really sure what the problem is.

You're working so if he wants to go away he needs to sort out childcare. Could he not speak to your parents? I'm sure they would be happy to have them for a few days. 10 and 12 are nice ages. Not too small and not yet teenagers.

What's the deal with the race meeting? Four days of boozing and gambling? I would be more concerned with that. Is he a bit of a lad?

MargosKaftan · 05/06/2021 11:03

Actually OP, I get it. He has time off in the school holidays, he wants to go away in that time off and he expects you to find childcare so he can go away - either you take time off, or they go to your parents (assuming you have to ask them), or you find kids clubs for the 10 year old and trust the 12 year old to be ok on their own for the day.

I would presume that if a parent isn't working in the school holidays and the other is, its the non-working parents job to look after the children, or to sort an alternative if they want to do something else.

Perhaps start again- is it 6 weeks your dcs have off school? So ask him, how many weeks will he be taking off work to be with the kids, how many does he expect you to take off work, whats his plan for the other weeks? Can he afford yet more time off for his solo holiday?

If you use up your holiday allowance for the summer, how does he plan to cover October half term, Christmas, and February half term?

LunaAndHer3Stars · 05/06/2021 11:10

@countrygirl99

Get him to book holiday club
And pay for. It wouldn't bother me unless he was doing it a lot or unwilling to care for DC so you could go away.
cptartapp · 05/06/2021 11:14

You don't want to be away from your 10 and 12 year olds for four days?!

denverRegina · 05/06/2021 11:16

@MargosKaftan she said he has the entire summer off and has already said he'll be covering childcare during that time.

He wants 3 nights to go to an event with friends. That's all. The kids are 10 and 12.

The OP admits that he's offered solutions but she doesn't want or like any of them despite the fact they are completely reasonable.

She doesn't want to use leave as she wants her leave to be for "something nice".

cupsofcoffee · 05/06/2021 11:22

He has time off in the school holidays, he wants to go away in that time off and he expects you to find childcare so he can go away - either you take time off, or they go to your parents (assuming you have to ask them), or you find kids clubs for the 10 year old and trust the 12 year old to be ok on their own for the day

Why is any of that a problem? He might be a parent but that doesn't mean he's never allowed some time out for himself.

I would presume that if a parent isn't working in the school holidays and the other is, its the non-working parents job to look after the children, or to sort an alternative if they want to do something else.

He's listed a whole load of solutions but OP isn't happy with any of them. Why does she get the final say?

If you use up your holiday allowance for the summer, how does he plan to cover October half term, Christmas, and February half term?

They pay for childcare, just like everyone else does? The 12yo doesn't need formal childcare anyway so it's just the 10yo really. They can do a combination of holiday clubs, staying home with their older sibling, going to friends' houses, seeing their grandparents and some time with their parents. Isn't that normal?

OP is in a hugely privileged position to have a partner who can take the entire summer break off work to look after the children. Begrudging him three nights away is just ridiculous.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 05/06/2021 11:23

Don't sort it OP. Tell him if he wants to go he needs to.soft and pay for holiday club for them. Draw a boundary and stick with it. I get why you're fed up and had enough. And he should be taking responsibility, but he's not. It doesn't sound like he'd not go anyway, so tell him he needs to sort childcare for those days. And if he won't you have to work out what that will mean for you.