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Original poster

Husband wants to holiday alone

113 replies

Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 05:30

My husband has decided that he wants to go to a horse race meeting early on in the kids school summer holidays for 4 full days (3 nights), all in the working week.
This will mean that he's not around to help with childcare and I will have to take holiday off work (of which I get very little) to look after the kids. The kids are 12 and 10 so not little but also not old enough to be left alone all day.
He said that after that he'll be around to look after the kids over the Summer so I don't have to worry about it. (He's self employed so has a lot of flexibility)
It just really annoys me that he feels he can swan off to do something with friends and leave me to figure out the rest. He's suggested that the kids could go to my parents for a couple of days, which is nice of him, but I dont want them to feel like they're being used. He doesn't see his parents so no chance of asking them!
I have a responsible job and it just strikes me as unfair that he thinks he can swan off, whilst the kids are off school and leave me with it. But also meaning that I'll have to use up holiday that could otherwise have been spent doing something nice!
I always prioritise the kids so will end up just doing what's necessary to make sure they are okay but I really resent being put in this position.
I think it's selfish and looking out for himself instead of thinking of the whole family unit...

OP posts:

Original poster

Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 06:34

@litterbird

You seem to be running on guilt and anger that he is going away for a couple of nights. It's lovely that you always put your children first but you do have a life too. Let your husband go, let your parents take the reigns for a very short while and stop guilting yourself for leaving them with very responsible people. You can then start looking at having a wonderful long weekend away with your girlfriends and get planning. Your children are old enough to enjoy a new routine just for a bit. Otherwise just say to your hubby....have a fantastic time but you need to sort everything out with the children as I am working. I need your support for this for you to go away...then wave him off gladly. Just think about it, evenings on your own watching your own programmes on tele, star shapes in the bed and all sorts of refreshing behaviours whilst he is away.

I don't really begrudge the time away it's just that I'm left to deal with everything here but I realise now that I need to ask him to sort it rather than assuming responsibility for it. I think there's quite a long line of me bowing down to things that he wants to do so this just seems like something else.

OP posts:

LizziesTwin · 05/06/2021 06:34

If he’s going to Glorious Goodwood he could take them to Wickedly Wonderful for the week. Camping at night, beach, riding, sailing during the day. Lots of fun for them.

Original poster

Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 06:39

@starrynight21

Am I the only person who thinks that 12 and 10 can be at home alone for a few days ? I wouldn't have had a problem with that.

Neither of us would leave them alone all day just yet. They're only just 12 and 10 x

OP posts:

lorca · 05/06/2021 06:39

OP - I've said this on another thread. i was a SAHM and asked my Dh for a week off to go to a hobby workshop. He said that if he 'had' to take time off to look after his kids, then he would want it to be a 'family' holiday. So basically No.

I divorced him.

Your dh is allowed time away from work. I know it means a Military-style effort for those few days with the kids, but it's perfectly do-able. And healthy for both of you.

Get planning your own break.

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2021 06:40

I think there's quite a long line of me bowing down to things that he wants to do so this just seems like something else

If your marriage has problems then focus on that. What he wants to do isn’t a big deal. And it’s easily sorted for childcare. There’s nothing for you to bow down to, nothing to take leave over. No issue, one of you make plans for the kids.

longestlurkerever · 05/06/2021 06:43

I think yabu. He's not always swanning off and leaving you to sort it. He's looking after them the rest of the holidays so you don't need to worry. That's massive! Find a good holiday club/activity club for a few days, book yourself an equivalent treat and forget it.

timeisnotaline · 05/06/2021 06:43

@Pippapeppa

Because if I suggested this in the middle of his working week he wouldn't accept it.... I'm the one who has to find a way to cope no matter what but the shoe is never on the other foot.

So is he doing the rest of the summer? If he can do 5 weeks of childcare you using holidays to cover a few days doesnt seem like a problem? There must be more to it than that based on a few of your other comments. If he’s never done the holidays before you can sit down and say ive always arranged the school holidays. You’ve never agreed to jsut take holidays to look after them when it would suit me. You’re doing this holidays, so don’t expect me to take leave now. If you want to go away, work something out for the dc. Make sure it’s affordable. Don’t impose on my parents - I try hard not to do that and you’re not super special and it’s fine for you to do that.

daisypond · 05/06/2021 06:48

YABU. He’s going to look after them for the rest of the holidays. It’s only four days. Nothing wrong with the DC going to your parents if they are happy to have them. Or could you take half-days from work? Leave the DC alone for just three-four hours?

devildeepbluesea · 05/06/2021 06:48

4 days and your kids are 12 and 10. This wouldn't bother me in the least. Summer clubs, arrange for them to spend a day or two with friends - to be reciprocated later in the hols.

But then again my ex DH would have sorted out the childcare because he recognised he was a parent.

Original poster

Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 06:52

@devildeepbluesea

4 days and your kids are 12 and 10. This wouldn't bother me in the least. Summer clubs, arrange for them to spend a day or two with friends - to be reciprocated later in the hols.

But then again my ex DH would have sorted out the childcare because he recognised he was a parent.

Well having gone through this discussion I think that is the issue that I'm expected to sort the childcare and I think I realise now that I need to throw that back on him and say you're going away, you sort the childcare! Then problem solved. I just usually do everything. I have precious little holiday too which doesn't help...

OP posts:

Eviethyme · 05/06/2021 06:53

I don't see the problem sorry, I would just be asking him to let me have a few days to myself when he gets back, without any jobs etc

I think everyone should be allowed time off.

Original poster

Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 06:56

@Eviethyme

I don't see the problem sorry, I would just be asking him to let me have a few days to myself when he gets back, without any jobs etc

I think everyone should be allowed time off.

I've never had any previously..... the promise is there for the rest of the summer holidays but to a certain extent I'll believe it when I see it. Fingers crossed

OP posts:

Losttheequipment · 05/06/2021 07:01

I wouldn’t die on this hill personally. Just get him to sort the holiday club.

Original poster

Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 07:04

@lorca

I divorced him.

I hear what you're saying but he does also do a lot of what he wants to do, whilst I run the house, look after the kids and work. I don't think I'm being grossly unfair but having a wake up call by virtue of this chat about putting myself first and expecting more from him.

OP posts:

Marshy86 · 05/06/2021 07:04

Hey Op, you I would just say I haven't got a problem with you going away but you need to arrange appropriate childcare, also I would like to go away with friends at some point so will plan the same.

Oly4 · 05/06/2021 07:06

I also think it’s fine for him to go. The kids aren’t babies.. holiday club or grandparents sounds fine

PegasusReturns · 05/06/2021 07:08

What would you be doing for childcare if your DH wasn’t away? Does he work from home?

Is there any opportunity for you to work from home for those days? 10 & 12 shouldn’t need much supervision.

stuckinarutatwork · 05/06/2021 07:13

Given that he's going to cover the childcare for the rest of the summer holidays (I assume 5 or more weeks), I wouldn't begrudge him 4 days.
Surely you can't moan about having to take less that a week's leave to look after your own children in the summer holidays. You say you'd rather use it for something fun - can't you take the children away for a mini break whilst he's away. Theme park? Beach? London sightseeing? Whatever floats your boat. It's not like they're tiny and need lots of hands-on care that's difficult to manage solo. Or take them away for two days and then they can have 2 days with grandparents, leaving you an additional 2 days to have all to yourself another time.

applespearslemons · 05/06/2021 07:14

I'm with you here OP

My kids aren't of school age but I'm dreading the holidays when they are. We both work full time so summer will be a mixture of us both taking leave on diff weeks, asking parents for help, holiday club

Shame he can't have 4 days off during term time for his hobby, as it wouldn't be so frustrating

MandalaYogaTapestry · 05/06/2021 07:21

It would not be a big deal in my family, in fact I would be pleased for DH to have some fun time off. Sorry, it sounds like maybe you are a bit jealous of him for having this opportunity with friends and wish you could do something similar yourself but your friends are not up for this kind of thing.

Kokosrieksts · 05/06/2021 07:21

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It’s 4 days and the kids are 10 and 12. Send them to grandparents for couple of nights and meet up with friends.

IfIHadAHeart · 05/06/2021 07:26

Where would the children be if he wasn’t going? As presumably he would be at work?

Original poster

Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 07:27

@MandalaYogaTapestry

Not at all. I just fit my socialising around family commitments so afternoons at the weekend or evenings. He has no family to ask to help with childcare so we have to ask mine and they unfortunately don't bend over backwards for this type of thing!

OP posts:

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 05/06/2021 07:29

What were your plans for holidays etc this summer? It seems late to be only sorting it now.

Why don't you get much leave? Are you having a family holiday this summer?

MrMeeseekslookatme · 05/06/2021 07:35

The week away if not the issue.

The issue is that he dumps everything on you/you martyr yourself (I can't quite work out which).

Do something just for yourself for once OP.

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