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Original poster

Husband wants to holiday alone

113 replies

Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 05:30

My husband has decided that he wants to go to a horse race meeting early on in the kids school summer holidays for 4 full days (3 nights), all in the working week.
This will mean that he's not around to help with childcare and I will have to take holiday off work (of which I get very little) to look after the kids. The kids are 12 and 10 so not little but also not old enough to be left alone all day.
He said that after that he'll be around to look after the kids over the Summer so I don't have to worry about it. (He's self employed so has a lot of flexibility)
It just really annoys me that he feels he can swan off to do something with friends and leave me to figure out the rest. He's suggested that the kids could go to my parents for a couple of days, which is nice of him, but I dont want them to feel like they're being used. He doesn't see his parents so no chance of asking them!
I have a responsible job and it just strikes me as unfair that he thinks he can swan off, whilst the kids are off school and leave me with it. But also meaning that I'll have to use up holiday that could otherwise have been spent doing something nice!
I always prioritise the kids so will end up just doing what's necessary to make sure they are okay but I really resent being put in this position.
I think it's selfish and looking out for himself instead of thinking of the whole family unit...

OP posts:
Doveyouknow · 05/06/2021 07:40

I think it's fine for him to go away but he needs to sort childcare. If that's your parents he needs to speak to them, if it's a holiday club he needs to organise that. He offered to take responsibility for the summer hols so he needs to do that.

PhillipPhillop · 05/06/2021 07:41

I can see your problem op. And this has now polarised your role within the household. He is taking responsibility for the dc during the holidays but he now wants to take some of that time off. But is leaving YOU to sort out the arrangements. You do everything and that still isn't enough and you are now realising how annoying that is. Can't believe that so many posters are saying suck it up and basically how 'lucky' you are for him to cover the rest of the holidays! I think a long, calm talk about division of responsibilities is the next step.

mindutopia · 05/06/2021 07:42

It sounds like he is sorting out childcare for the other 5.5 weeks of summer holidays, so it seems fine you can manage for 4 days.

I go away on holiday alone all the time - going in 2 weeks actually for 5 days and leaving Dh to sort everything. He’s going away for a week sometime later in the summer.

That said, working (even self employed) while providing care to two children, even older ones, is not a great solution for the school holidays so you both will need to chat about a longer term solution.

rookiemere · 05/06/2021 07:46

I get what you are saying OP and I think some posters are being obtuse.
It's not about him going away, it's the assumption that you'll use up annual leave and sort out things in his absence. Is there a family holiday planned this summer?

rookiemere · 05/06/2021 07:47

Oh and I'd pin him down about what he means about childcare for rest of summer - suspect he may have more little trips/surprises up his sleeves.

Original poster
Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 08:02

@PhillipPhillop

I can see your problem op. And this has now polarised your role within the household. He is taking responsibility for the dc during the holidays but he now wants to take some of that time off. But is leaving YOU to sort out the arrangements. You do everything and that still isn't enough and you are now realising how annoying that is. Can't believe that so many posters are saying suck it up and basically how 'lucky' you are for him to cover the rest of the holidays! I think a long, calm talk about division of responsibilities is the next step.
Thank you
OP posts:
Original poster
Pippapeppa · 05/06/2021 08:07

@rookiemere

I get what you are saying OP and I think some posters are being obtuse. It's not about him going away, it's the assumption that you'll use up annual leave and sort out things in his absence. Is there a family holiday planned this summer?
Yes there is. I think I've realised through this post it's all part of a bigger issue and that I do too much however if I don't would anything get done at all??
OP posts:
AdriannaP · 05/06/2021 08:08

@starrynight21

Am I the only person who thinks that 12 and 10 can be at home alone for a few days ? I wouldn't have had a problem with that.
Same here. I was home alone with 12.

For that age, you can also get a babysitter in to take them out or arrange a few playdates etc. No need for OP to take annual leave 🤦🏻‍♀️

crossstitchingnana · 05/06/2021 08:15

I hear you OP. It's the fact he has arranged this with an assumption that you will deal with the kids. He hasn't spoken to his in-laws or enquired about holiday club as that's "your job." If he had have done this then I get the feeling you would not be posting on here.

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 05/06/2021 08:24

I saw your title and thought your husband must be going for a fortnight in Zante, OP!!!

this isn't a holiday, it's a break with his friends to do something they enjoy.

Whether he's taking the piss, leaving you in the lurch or a step too far, only you can say, but on the face or it, he's not doing anything particularly unreasonable.

Pinchoftums · 05/06/2021 08:29

I left my 10 and 12 year old alone lots. (So sent the then 7 year old to clubs) l But they are sensible kids and good at looking after themselves.
Get him to organise something but let him go.

cupsofcoffee · 05/06/2021 08:35

@rookiemere

I get what you are saying OP and I think some posters are being obtuse. It's not about him going away, it's the assumption that you'll use up annual leave and sort out things in his absence. Is there a family holiday planned this summer?
I don't think he made that assumption at all - it's OP who is getting all stressed about it and assuming she's going to have to take holiday from work.

The kids are 10 and 12, they're not babies or toddlers who need full-time holiday care. A few days with their grandparents or at holiday club out of a six week break from school is hardly going to traumatise them for life, even if they'd rather be doing other things.

At 12 I was left home alone all summer so personally I'd only worry about the younger one, but even then for fours days I'd probably leave them to it!

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2021 08:37

@crossstitchingnana

I hear you OP. It's the fact he has arranged this with an assumption that you will deal with the kids. He hasn't spoken to his in-laws or enquired about holiday club as that's "your job." If he had have done this then I get the feeling you would not be posting on here.
I get the feeling she would.
rookiemere · 05/06/2021 08:38

It is possible OP that the DCs might be ok on their own or broken up with holiday club or away at GPs.

I do think your DH has a nerve just announcing his break, but it does remind me when I was away with work and had booked DS age 10 into the afterschool club. Unbeknownst to me DH and DS discussed it and cancelled afterschool and DS got the bus home and was home alone until 6pm when DH came back from work.

When I first heard about it I was raging that such a big decision was taken without my input, but then DS was so proud of himself for getting the bus and managing at home alone and he really hated afterschool club, so actually it all worked out.

Don't take the time off work, you're right it should be saved for something better, DCs may not like holiday club but they might enjoy it, or try them at home for one day and see how they go. I guess I'm saying they're at an age where you can start reviewing childcare decisions.

julesover40 · 05/06/2021 08:50

@Pippapeppa

This is the first holiday ever that he is taking responsibility for them, so I know exactly what it's normally like....a lot of juggling for me!!! And I've not took a break away to deal with it. I will feel guilty for putting on my parents, they do look after the kids but usually on their terms not ours and he knows this!
I really don't see the issue. He has given suggestions, as well as 6 weeks to arrange before the school holidays. Is there an issue with your parents? The 'their terms comment suggests they wouldn't want to have the gc, if so explain to the kids that its one week holiday club and 5 weeks with dad
Smartiepants79 · 05/06/2021 09:01

If he wasn’t going what would the children be doing? Would he be working?
If it was me I’d take the 4 days of work and do something nice with my children. Can you have a little trip just the 3 of you? I don’t see why the time off work would need to be ‘wasted’?

Ylvamoon · 05/06/2021 09:13

Why don't you just take the time off? Do some real fun stuff with the kids because before you know it, they will want to do their own stuff.
Then just go to work and out your feet up for the rest of the Summer holidays!
I really don't see a problem with this.

Solosaxophone · 05/06/2021 09:14

I think everyone is entitled to their feelings so I hear you OP.

I do think maybe in this case you are being slightly unreasonable. It's healthy to have some time with friends and doing what you enjoy and it wouldn't be fair to ask that he be around all the time so that you can take your own holidays to do what you enjoy, whether that's with the family unit or not is your prerogative.

Maybe just a bit of give and take, explain you are feeling put upon generally and if he goes on the trip then you'd like x, y and z for yourself this summer, whether it's time as a family of 4 or some time as a couple or with your own friends. Explain that you need more from him to allow you to work and not take the brunt of the worry about childcare. Remember too that we've spent a lot of time doing nothing this past year and everyone needs some time to let go. Your parents might love having the opportunity to look after the kids, but if you don't ask you'll never know SmileFlowers

Nuggetnugget · 05/06/2021 09:19

You are chosing not to use holiday club or grandparents. If he organises grandparents they will know its because their son is taking a holiday and you are working.
So it's not you using him - he is.

CassandraTrotter · 05/06/2021 09:19

Yanbu because he takes jo responsibility for the children normally.

You tell him firmly and without emotion you cannot cover those days so he needs to arrange childcare for them.

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2021 09:22

@CassandraTrotter

Yanbu because he takes jo responsibility for the children normally.

You tell him firmly and without emotion you cannot cover those days so he needs to arrange childcare for them.

The thing is that’s just a pure shit marriage, arguing about going away, it’s your job to arrange childcare. Generally it’s give and take in a marriage, you help each other out. If you get to th stage you “ work to rule” and ones taking the piss and you both refuse to help the other, you’re probably better off out of that shit. What a shit way to live.
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/06/2021 09:23

But also meaning that I'll have to use up holiday that could otherwise have been spent doing something nice

Is not spending four days out of the whole summer holidays with your children not nice? It sounds like he is the one home with them for the rest of the long break whilst juggling work.

bigbaggyeyes · 05/06/2021 09:28

I'd simply say to him that it's fine he goes away, we all need to do stuff for ourselves too. But he needs to sort childcare for the dc before he goes away as you'll be at work and for once it's time he takes responsibility for this. If he thinks he wants your parents to look after them, then he asks.

You may find the kids have fun at holiday club if he chooses that instead of your parents

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/06/2021 09:29

When a man has kids the kids come first and his needs come very far down the line. Its about time men started waking up to this.

confused1974 · 05/06/2021 09:33

Honestly I think you're being ridiculous (to the OP). I have always juggled work and childcare and having it ex DP go away for 4 days would be a dream (he was away for a month a few years ago and I was ecstatic, I arranged childcare etc).

If I was your DP I would be very annoyed if I had to cancel