I feel so stupid :(

Blueskytoday06 · 04/06/2021 16:45

I think you need to think about what you want and be mindful that if you continue in this relationship then marriage may not happen. You need to decide If that's a deal breaker.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2021 16:51

Agree with blue sky, is this a deal breaker or not?

If it is, just end it now, don’t wait for some make up deadline. If it’s not stop going on and hoping. He’s clearly not intending to get married.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 04/06/2021 16:53

It sounds like he’s stringing you along.

You need to decide what you want snd to stick with it. You can’t just carry on with one empty promise after another

nimbuscloud · 04/06/2021 16:55

Presumably you have had no other relationship if you have been together since you were in school. I know it’s hard but I would say you have both grown up and grown apart. It may be time to consider ending the relationship and going your separate ways.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 04/06/2021 16:55

I think you should tell him you want to be married by X age and if he's not on board then you'll know you don't want the same things.
He's being cruel and controlling. He won't tell you when he will be prepared to get married and won't let you have any say in when he will be prepared to discuss it. Men using proposals as a control mechanism is shitty. You're an adult and you have the right to discuss your future.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2021 16:55

Be careful what you wish for. You are literally in the prime of your life and you are letting this man decide your future. Why would you relinquish control?

SteveArnottsCodeine · 04/06/2021 16:56

I know this is something that is always batted away on these threads because “he wants to propose” but just propose to him, no? My husband is the less loud-there, less decision-makers, less dynamic personality in our union (which I don’t mean as a bad thing, he just is, it comes with it’s good sides as well as bad) and I proposed to him because it was just a much more me thing to do.... it shouldn’t be about who’s what gender, I just was clearer the more natural proposer! So could you not just ask him?

Haffiana · 04/06/2021 16:57

So let me get this straight. You asking is 'ruining his experience'. However, him not asking is ruining your life and your relationship, and that is OK for him?

He is OK about shutting you down over something that is SO important and SO fundamental to your relationship, to the relationship of two normal adults? You cannot even discuss it with him? Instead you have to sit in the corner like a small child with your finger on your lip 'cos his fucking 'experience'??

You most MOST definitely should cut and run. Not because he hasn't proposed, but because he is a man who can do this to you despite knowing how important it is for you. He has kept you dangling for YEARS. He hasn't even got the decency to tell you that he doesn't want to get married so that you can take back your life and move on. What a total arse.

I can only imagine that you must be beginning to resent and despise him. I would. I don't see how even if you married him tomorrow that you could bounce back from this.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2021 16:58

Op. If he wanted to marry you he’d propose. That’s how it works. Not the long drawn out emotional mess.

Just accept it’s not on the cards and decide if you’re ok never marrying. You need to factor in are kids a possibility and the implications for you and can you financially do this without him

Lots to think through but his actions are telling you all you need to know, it’s been nine years, he doesn’t want to get married and you can’t force him to.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/06/2021 16:59

He's stringing you along with excuses (lockdown, money) and outright lies (saying he'd bought a ring.)

This man may possibly be dragged kicking and screaming to the altar, but he will be a resentful and unwilling participant in a marriage.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on right - you don't want showy crap, you want the legal commitment of marriage. Him, not so much. (Ruin the experience for him? Like really, my dude?)

If you give him an ultimatum, he'll propose, then give you loads of excuses as to why the wedding date can't be set yet.

Time for you to graduate from this starter boyfriend to a man who actually wants a serious relationship.

Make sure your contraception is airtight at the moment - the last thing you want is a lifetime tie to this flakey fucker.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2021 17:01

@SteveArnottsCodeine

I know this is something that is always batted away on these threads because “he wants to propose” but just propose to him, no? My husband is the less loud-there, less decision-makers, less dynamic personality in our union (which I don’t mean as a bad thing, he just is, it comes with it’s good sides as well as bad) and I proposed to him because it was just a much more me thing to do.... it shouldn’t be about who’s what gender, I just was clearer the more natural proposer! So could you not just ask him?

She has effectively proposed. She’s asked him to set a date and just do it. He said no.

CagneyNYPD · 04/06/2021 17:05

I think that the upcoming holiday will be the perfect time to talk to him properly about what you want from your future. The proposal stuff is just guff. The proposal is a tiny part of a future marriage.

Ask him something along the lines of "In all honesty, do you see us being married within the next 3-5 years? Do you want this to happen?" If the answer to either question is no, or if there is significant hesitation, then you have your answer.

Ask him outright. You have the right to make decisions about your own future. After 9 years, he should know. And he should know you well enough to know that this is important to you.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 04/06/2021 17:05

You’re not getting married because he doesn’t want to.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 04/06/2021 17:05

Is it worth considering why you feel the need to be married? You have a house together, and thats a huge commitment. Is walking down the aisle, the pressure of the need for that worth driving away someone you genuinely love just because, for him, it might not be the same sort of priority?
I have a friend who waited and waited for a proposal, drove her bf mad until he did it. Their marriage lasted about 2 years, because he just hadnt been ready, despite wholeheartedly loving her.

Drinkingallthewine · 04/06/2021 17:06

It's not about a proposal, it's not about a wedding, it's about him stalling on agreeing to formally commit to your relationship.

I did have a similar crisis of thought a few years before where everyone was asking me would we ever get married and I did wonder that after 9 years if the lack of proposal meant he was committed or not. In the end, I had to ask myself if the choice is between 'stay with him and stay unmarried' or 'marriage -but to someone else', what do I want my life to be, how important is marriage to me? A bit of soul searching on that question helped for me.

In the end, I decided to stay as we are really really happy in every single way but I made plans for always maintaining my independence should we have a family. Not long after that we had a baby and agreed to get married, but then it's been me ever since putting the wedding off for various reasons, such as health issues, cost, covid etc. He'd marry me tomorrow at lunchtime in the courthouse if I wanted.

But he never pretended he would have proposed only for X or lied about getting a ring like your OH. I would never tolerate lies of any kind and he knows it. I think that points to someone not ready to make a commitment of marriage but is lying so that you won't stay. I think in your case I'd be done with the promises. I don't even know if I'd bother about the trip to be honest if I were you. I'd be so hurt that he lied and especially about something so important to me, so for that, I'd be asking him to stay elsewhere for some time so I could have space to decide if this relationship is for me or not.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2021 17:08

@CagneyNYPD

I think that the upcoming holiday will be the perfect time to talk to him properly about what you want from your future. The proposal stuff is just guff. The proposal is a tiny part of a future marriage.

Ask him something along the lines of "In all honesty, do you see us being married within the next 3-5 years? Do you want this to happen?" If the answer to either question is no, or if there is significant hesitation, then you have your answer.

Ask him outright. You have the right to make decisions about your own future. After 9 years, he should know. And he should know you well enough to know that this is important to you.

I don’t get this, she has talked to him. Multiple times, for two years.

FlowerArranger · 04/06/2021 17:13

This man is cruel. He is literally living his life the way he wants, watching your distress, and not giving a fuck.

You are wasting your life!

Please stop moping and pleading and getting upset. You are behaving like a doormat and he will have lost all respect for you already. You are worth more than this!

Read Women Who Love Too Much. I'm sure you'll find it helpful.

C0nstance · 04/06/2021 17:15

I would end this long drawn out emotional mess as somebody upthread perfectly described it.

You want somebody to feel certain about you. And he's biding his time. He doesnt fear that biding his time and suiting himself will risk losing you.

You are only 29? You can do better than this. Im in my 50s and if I wanted to marry somebody who was uncertain and fobbed me off it'd turn me off.
Get Turned Off.

You can do better.

Bluedeblue · 04/06/2021 17:16

Honestly, I'd just end it. It's not only the fact he hasn't proposed in nine years, it's the control he is wielding over you. He knows you'd love a proposal. He knows it would make you happy. But still, he doesn't do it. He's not too eager to make you happy, is he? He should be very eager to snap you up, no?

I had a friend like this, some 25 years ago. She'd been with her boyfriend for years and he was dragging his feet. Eventually she walked, and within months she was with a new man who was very eager to progress seriously with her, and he had no hesitation in proposing. They are still together now, with 2 grown up children.

I think your BF is playing with you, like a cat plays with a mouse. Take control. End it.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/06/2021 17:17

First of all, stop drinking. You getting drunk and starting fights is absolutely pointless.

Second of all, he does not want to marry you. End of story. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. After nine years be would definitely know by now.

If this doesn't work for you, move on and quickly.

C0nstance · 04/06/2021 17:18

Use the time he's away doing romantic things on his own to put the house up for sale.

What is romantic about going away with a man who is certain he doesnt want to marry you after all this time.

Why the hell is he planning romantic things when he is not that in to you/suuting himself/not scared of losing you.

katy1213 · 04/06/2021 17:19

Surely he either proposes - or he doesn't. I can't understand all this talk about 'proposing soon' - that would really take the shine off it.
He sounds a bit of a dick. I'd be tempted to say 'Suit yourself,' and show him the door.
Don't let him hold the cards. He needs a short, sharp reminder that you might not consider he's worth waiting for.

DingDongThongs · 04/06/2021 17:19

@teeandbiscuit

I'll try and keep this short, but basically I thought my bf of 9 years was going to propose to me this month and now have realised he isn't.

We're going on a trip to somewhere it would have been lovely to propose at the end of the month, and hes been saying for a long time that he's planning on proposing "soon", and has made loads of romantic suggestions for things we should do on the trip, so I really was thinking this would finally be it! But last night we were talking and he said "I'm definitely not going to propose to you when we're in X, by the way. I really need you to know that, I don't want you thinking that's going to happen." The way he said it I knew it was true. I was really upset but didn't want him to see it, so I just said "ok" and tried to move the conversation on. He wasn't even saying it in a way where he thought he was being mean, I could tell he was just freaked out that I had got my hopes up (which of course I had).

So as not to drip feed - we're late 20's, been together since school, own a house, he always talks about marriage in the future with concrete plans. Until recently I've had no reason to think he's not serious. I've been saying it's really something I want to do soon for about 18 months/2 years, and he always uses money as a reason not now. Just before christmas I got really upset about it and he told me he was planning on proposing "really soon", so to stop asking about it, and he had a ring and a plan for how to do it. I was really happy. A couple of months later by accident I found out he hadn't got a ring, and apparently had wanted to propose at new year but with covid and the new lockdown it had delayed it.

I felt so stupid then for believing him, and I made up my mind I would set a deadline in my head for him to propose by or I was leaving. Only problem is I keep getting drunk and upset and asking when he's going to propose, and he says it's stressing him out more and more and I need to shut up about it or I'll ruin the experience for him.

I've suggested multiple times we just set a date and get married at a registry office - I actually don't even want a big romantic propsal - but he says he wants to do that.

We're not quite at my deadline yet but getting close. I just feel so stupid that yet again I've gotten my hopes up and it won't happen. Starting to think it never will. My cousin (who's my best friend) is getting married soon and my sister is pregnant (although I don't want kids so that\s not making me jealous - just feel that life is moving on for everyone and not for me.)

Should I trust that he's planning something and that me constantly asking is ruining the experience or should I just cut and run? Don't know how much more explaining my feelings I can do - he knows how I feel but seems to just be prioritising how he feels about it all.

How much do you want to be married?

100 pc? 80 pc? 50 pc?

We met 8 years ago and got engaged soon after. This is our 5th anniversary (we've 3 children).

Hubby has cousin who's been with his lass longer. They still aren't married and don't seem to ever be planning. If that was me i'd think sod it lets go to gretna green on a cheap deal and have a blast.

is he short of money with covid (who isn't?)

Elieza · 04/06/2021 17:20

He doesn’t want to marry you. Sorry.

If he did he would have come up with a plan to make his proposal how he wants it to be for you and a savings plan to save for a ring, or whatever.

He’s quite content just now and doesn’t want to change.

But thinks he doesn’t want to tie himself to you in case there is someone better round the corner….

Sorry.

C0nstance · 04/06/2021 17:22

Ps you say you feel foolish. You have handed him all your power. Take it back by putting the house up for sale.

Young women dont realise the power they have til it's gone. Well some do! But i was like you. Scared of losing an arsehole!