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Original poster

I feel so stupid :(

148 replies

teeandbiscuit · 04/06/2021 16:35

I'll try and keep this short, but basically I thought my bf of 9 years was going to propose to me this month and now have realised he isn't.

We're going on a trip to somewhere it would have been lovely to propose at the end of the month, and hes been saying for a long time that he's planning on proposing "soon", and has made loads of romantic suggestions for things we should do on the trip, so I really was thinking this would finally be it! But last night we were talking and he said "I'm definitely not going to propose to you when we're in X, by the way. I really need you to know that, I don't want you thinking that's going to happen." The way he said it I knew it was true. I was really upset but didn't want him to see it, so I just said "ok" and tried to move the conversation on. He wasn't even saying it in a way where he thought he was being mean, I could tell he was just freaked out that I had got my hopes up (which of course I had).

So as not to drip feed - we're late 20's, been together since school, own a house, he always talks about marriage in the future with concrete plans. Until recently I've had no reason to think he's not serious. I've been saying it's really something I want to do soon for about 18 months/2 years, and he always uses money as a reason not now. Just before christmas I got really upset about it and he told me he was planning on proposing "really soon", so to stop asking about it, and he had a ring and a plan for how to do it. I was really happy. A couple of months later by accident I found out he hadn't got a ring, and apparently had wanted to propose at new year but with covid and the new lockdown it had delayed it.

I felt so stupid then for believing him, and I made up my mind I would set a deadline in my head for him to propose by or I was leaving. Only problem is I keep getting drunk and upset and asking when he's going to propose, and he says it's stressing him out more and more and I need to shut up about it or I'll ruin the experience for him.

I've suggested multiple times we just set a date and get married at a registry office - I actually don't even want a big romantic propsal - but he says he wants to do that.

We're not quite at my deadline yet but getting close. I just feel so stupid that yet again I've gotten my hopes up and it won't happen. Starting to think it never will. My cousin (who's my best friend) is getting married soon and my sister is pregnant (although I don't want kids so that\s not making me jealous - just feel that life is moving on for everyone and not for me.)

Should I trust that he's planning something and that me constantly asking is ruining the experience or should I just cut and run? Don't know how much more explaining my feelings I can do - he knows how I feel but seems to just be prioritising how he feels about it all.

OP posts:
DingDongThongs · 04/06/2021 17:22

Elieza ... you don't know that and what a cruel thing to say.

C0nstance · 04/06/2021 17:24

There's a power inbalance though. She has to wait for him to agree to marriage.

DingDongThongs · 04/06/2021 17:25

She doesn't. I'd cut my losses and do one. No-one puts baby in the corner :)

DingDongThongs · 04/06/2021 17:26

OP there's literally 68 million people in the UK. One's that aren't commitment phobes...

katy1213 · 04/06/2021 17:28

Dear god ... Covid stopped him proposing? Was he socially distancing from you? Couldn't mutter 'Will you marry me?" through his mask?
You know, even if you do squeeze the words out of his mouth - he's never going to commit to an actual wedding. You'll end up ten years down the line with three kids, a so-called engagement - but it'll never be the right time to show you respect and commitment. The only way to deal with men like this is to show them you're too good for them.

WobblyMelon · 04/06/2021 17:29

I had a similar circumstance a long time ago and searched ‘ why won’t he propose mumsnet’ so many stories with women in the same position and only one actually ended in a proposal out of all of them.
I don’t think he’s being honest with you. Ask him why he honestly doesn’t want to get married - does he feel he’s too young, friends not settled down yet ? Don’t do as an argument but as a let’s be honest and you might get your answer and can get your closure and walk away.

DingDongThongs · 04/06/2021 17:30

OP could there be another person?

Twizbe · 04/06/2021 17:31

I was similar in that I met my husband at 19. We were together over 7 years before he proposed. Looking back we did need that time to grow up a bit.

I had told him that I didn't want to be together 10 years and not married. I also told him that both my passport and driving license needed renewing and I didn't want to do it in my old name. Basically gave him the deadlines that he needed to work with.

He only felt ready a few weeks before he actually asked me.

Does he know your deadline?

1WayOrAnother2 · 04/06/2021 17:32

You really want to marry him - he knows this but he is willing to leave you unhappily unmarried because that suits him.

This suggests that either he doesnt care about your feelings or he really doesn't want to marry you.

By saying he is not going to propose, he is really refusing your (silent but clear) proposal. Would it not be best to move on from him and find someone who loves you as you deserve?

HmmmmmmInteresting · 04/06/2021 17:33

@HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

Is it worth considering why you feel the need to be married? You have a house together, and thats a huge commitment. Is walking down the aisle, the pressure of the need for that worth driving away someone you genuinely love just because, for him, it might not be the same sort of priority? I have a friend who waited and waited for a proposal, drove her bf mad until he did it. Their marriage lasted about 2 years, because he just hadnt been ready, despite wholeheartedly loving her.
This makes zero sense
Cushionsnotpillows · 04/06/2021 17:34

Time for you to graduate from this starter boyfriend to a man who actually wants a serious relationship.

Bingo. He doesn't want to commit and thinks you will hang around forever as you're so hooked. I would cut my losses and move on.

ElaborateSalad · 04/06/2021 17:35

Is you've already had a discussion and plan to get married, aren't you already engaged?

HmmmmmmInteresting · 04/06/2021 17:38

@DingDongThongs

Elieza ... you don't know that and what a cruel thing to say.
It's true though, 99% of the time
CutieBear · 04/06/2021 17:39

@nimbuscloud

Presumably you have had no other relationship if you have been together since you were in school. I know it’s hard but I would say you have both grown up and grown apart. It may be time to consider ending the relationship and going your separate ways.
I thought this too.
Coriandersucks · 04/06/2021 17:39

This happened to me op. I was 27 and I had made it very clear I wanted to be married by 30 so we could start a family - I didn’t want to be having children in my mid thirties (nothing wrong with it, just me personal choice at the time).

He strung me along until he eventually gave in and we married when I was 32.

I was so happy we could finally start trying for a baby but surprise surprise, he started stringing me along about that too. Another 2 years I wasted begging him to see my point of view, to tel me what he really wanted but I got no where.

I ended up leaving him at the age of 34 having wasted the best years of my life on him hoping he would change.

Don’t let that be you. You get one life, take your chances before it’s too late.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 04/06/2021 17:39

You've posted about this before haven't you? Which, of course, is totally fine, but what was your 'takeaway' from last time?

If you give him an deadline/ultimatum you'll always wonder if he really wanted to marry you (been there done that, we split up for other reasons, didn't get married)

If he wanted to get married he'd have asked by now. He'd have made the situation perfect.

Your only decision is if you want to be with someone who doesn't want to choose you, who doesn't want to make a commitment to you (been there, done that, it was shit. We eventually broke up and he got married to his childhood friend in indecent haste. Still act in haste, repent in leisure. He's suitably miserable which makes me half glad & half sad)

Don't leave him to get a reaction, leave him because he doesn't want what you want NO MATTER what he's saying. Look at what he's DONE not what he says

Look after yourself, it's utterly shit x

Ellie56 · 04/06/2021 17:43

He doesn't want to marry you. You can do better anyway. He sounds a right knob.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2021 17:44

@DingDongThongs

Elieza ... you don't know that and what a cruel thing to say.
It’s very clear the poster is right.
AhNowTed · 04/06/2021 17:49

OP I got together with my DH as teens.

Bought a house together.

We never really discussed marriage until when I was around 27 we started discussing children. Which we both wanted.

He wasn't bothered about marriage but my line in the sand was I wasn't prepared to have children with him unless we were married. And I stuck to my guns.

He eventually saw sense and I booked the register office.

Long story short do not even contemplate getting pregnant without a wedding ring.

If children aren't on the agenda then obviously it becomes more difficult.

Its not about a fancy wedding and I don't get the impression from you that it is. It's about commitment and the security that a marriage provides.

PaleGreenGhost · 04/06/2021 17:50

Apologies op, my parents didn't give me the full female socialisation experience, but your situation really highlights to me how strange so many of our customs are. And how they continue to bolster the patriarchy.

As a woman, you already have physical disadvantages compared to your male partner (I can almost guarantee he'd beat you in a fight, and he can't get pregnant). You are also structurally disadvantaged (women are treated worse in medical and work environments and even if you choose to never have children, future employers will continue to treat you as if you might).

So why oh why do you want to hand this additional piece of power over to your partner when you don't need to? Why are you letting him decide your future? Surely getting married is a mutual, consensual decision? I really don't understand proposals, but perhaps if you must have one, treat it similarly to how many non Christian people treat Christmas? A cultural celebration without the belief that underpins it. Unless you truly believe that you will become your partner's property? That he needs to ask permission from the man (your dad) who currently owns you?

He either wants to marry you or he doesn't. Better to find out through conversation rather than by forever waiting for him to initiate a somewhat questionable ritual.

CallMeCleo · 04/06/2021 17:51

Get an estate agent round to value the house -- preferably when he's at home. When he expresses surprise say well as you won't marry me, we need to go our separate ways.

Babygotblueyes · 04/06/2021 17:53

Whether he intends to propose or not, this man has been careless of your feelings, willing to put you in great distress and is happy to lie to you. Do you really want to be tied to someone who would do that?

RantyAnty · 04/06/2021 17:54

The only thing you can do at this point is walk away.

You tried talking to him many times. You offered the registry office and he said no.

There really is no reason to talk to him about it anymore as he's made it clear he doesn't want to but he'll never actually be truthful.

After what he said, I wouldn't even want to go on holiday with him anymore. I'd either take my own or stay and figure out how to separate.

DinosaurDiana · 04/06/2021 17:57

Are you actually prepared to lose him over this ?

WhySoSensitive · 04/06/2021 17:57

But he isn’t planning it is he? He keeps telling you ‘really soon’ and it’s been two years.
If it’s something you want that badly then I’d be ending it and looking for someone who is on the same wavelength as you!