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Original poster

I feel so stupid :(

148 replies

teeandbiscuit · 04/06/2021 16:35

I'll try and keep this short, but basically I thought my bf of 9 years was going to propose to me this month and now have realised he isn't.

We're going on a trip to somewhere it would have been lovely to propose at the end of the month, and hes been saying for a long time that he's planning on proposing "soon", and has made loads of romantic suggestions for things we should do on the trip, so I really was thinking this would finally be it! But last night we were talking and he said "I'm definitely not going to propose to you when we're in X, by the way. I really need you to know that, I don't want you thinking that's going to happen." The way he said it I knew it was true. I was really upset but didn't want him to see it, so I just said "ok" and tried to move the conversation on. He wasn't even saying it in a way where he thought he was being mean, I could tell he was just freaked out that I had got my hopes up (which of course I had).

So as not to drip feed - we're late 20's, been together since school, own a house, he always talks about marriage in the future with concrete plans. Until recently I've had no reason to think he's not serious. I've been saying it's really something I want to do soon for about 18 months/2 years, and he always uses money as a reason not now. Just before christmas I got really upset about it and he told me he was planning on proposing "really soon", so to stop asking about it, and he had a ring and a plan for how to do it. I was really happy. A couple of months later by accident I found out he hadn't got a ring, and apparently had wanted to propose at new year but with covid and the new lockdown it had delayed it.

I felt so stupid then for believing him, and I made up my mind I would set a deadline in my head for him to propose by or I was leaving. Only problem is I keep getting drunk and upset and asking when he's going to propose, and he says it's stressing him out more and more and I need to shut up about it or I'll ruin the experience for him.

I've suggested multiple times we just set a date and get married at a registry office - I actually don't even want a big romantic propsal - but he says he wants to do that.

We're not quite at my deadline yet but getting close. I just feel so stupid that yet again I've gotten my hopes up and it won't happen. Starting to think it never will. My cousin (who's my best friend) is getting married soon and my sister is pregnant (although I don't want kids so that\s not making me jealous - just feel that life is moving on for everyone and not for me.)

Should I trust that he's planning something and that me constantly asking is ruining the experience or should I just cut and run? Don't know how much more explaining my feelings I can do - he knows how I feel but seems to just be prioritising how he feels about it all.

OP posts:
Passionfruitpizza · 04/06/2021 18:59

Sorry but unless you genuinely believe that he's a massive romantic planning some sort of amazing proposal that requires years of prep then he doesn't really want to marry you. He's treating you like crap. Likely he's waiting to see if anyone else wanders along that he prefers. Sell the house and dump him.

DM1209 · 04/06/2021 19:08

If he wanted to marry you, he would make it happen.

Don't waste your life with this man. You want different things.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 04/06/2021 19:09

I agree with others here. He doesn't want to marry you. Otherwise he would have proposed by now.

You deserve more than this. Do you really want to battle with someone to get them to ask you? Drag them through grown up mile stones? It's exhausting.

Make moves to separate.

Opentooffers · 04/06/2021 19:14

Effectively, you have proposed, and he's said no. But it's all in a round about way. I think I'd either go direct and and unambiguously ask now ( where he will without doubt say no, or not yet - which is a no after 9years). Or, because it's obvious he won't, don't give him that satisfaction, say you don't want to marry him either now because he's killed the desire for him in that way, and so you are done.
Move on to better, find yourself as an individual - this is vital, as well as fun. Then one day you will be in a better position to know when someone has more respect for you than he does.

spongedog · 04/06/2021 19:15

He's a future faker. All talk and no action.

Future faking can be a sign of an abuser.

I quite agree with many of the other pps - sell the house and dump him.

KatherineJaneway · 04/06/2021 19:23

Second of all, he does not want to marry you. End of story. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. After nine years be would definitely know by now.

Sorry OP but this is spot on Flowers

AbstractHeart · 04/06/2021 19:26

You were so young when you got together that it's no surprise that he only sees you as a "fun for now" girlfriend. There's nothing wrong with that sort of relationship when you're young (I was in plenty of those relationships in my teens and 20s) but when they stop being fun it's time to move on, and when you're ready to settle down then it's time to look for your "forever" person.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/06/2021 19:33

he said "I'm definitely not going to propose to you when we're in X, by the way. I really need you to know that, I don't want you thinking that's going to happen

That just sounds cruel -unless he's committed to an idea of springing it all on you at some point after the holiday, but combined with the other things you've mentioned it doesn't sound like it.
I don't know if I'd want to go on holiday and do romantic things with someone who'd said that.
Its time for some very very straight talking so that you have the information you need to make real life decisions and no more rubbish from him about spoiling the experience. You deserve some honesty.

Souther · 04/06/2021 19:41

I'm sorry but he doesnt want to marry you.

It shouldn't have to be this hard.

You need to think about what you want for your life, and likely end it.

I doubt if he will.propose unless you force the issue, and its unlikely it will be a happy marriage

DreamingNow · 04/06/2021 19:51

@teeandbiscuit there is a thread running at the moment called ‘Another reluctant groom’.
Don’t end up in the same situation than the OP.
20+ years down the line, adult children and STILL no marriage, no financial safety for you (and him) and more importantly something that is really important to you just being dismissed because it doesn’t fit him.

You are still young. Yes you’ve been together a long time already. But don’t settle for half of what you want just because youve been together ‘for a long time’

TheGoodEnoughWife · 04/06/2021 19:59

Definitely don't go on the break. He wants all the nice stuff while ignoring something that is so important to you.

I agree he is cruel. Take his power away. Tell home if there is no proposal then there is no romantic break.

MrsMaizel · 04/06/2021 20:05

The way he said it I knew it was true. I was really upset but didn't want him to see it, so I just said "ok" and tried to move the conversation on

that was a major mistake . That was your chance to talk about how he sees this panning out . You are going to have a miserable holiday now.

Lollypop701 · 04/06/2021 20:05

Op you don’t want a wedding you want a marriage. A marriage won’t last with a partner who doesn’t actually want to be married. The fact that he has a perfect moment and has told you it’s a no means you need to decide if this is a deal breaker

C0nstance · 04/06/2021 20:07

Yes, he's not a forever person. He was a starter boyfriend. That's ok.

FourTurnings · 04/06/2021 20:11

People do what they want to do. He doesn’t want to marry you.

DingDongThongs · 04/06/2021 20:14

To be fair I said it was unkind. I was trying to let her down gently.

Lucked · 04/06/2021 20:17

If he can be frank with you turn it back on him

“I know you are not going to propose on this trip but I definitely need you to propose by [x date] or I will have to consider if I want to continue in this relationship. I really need you to know that”

Mischance · 04/06/2021 20:26

You are not a communicating couple and marriage might be unwise.

Your description of his behaviour sounds cruel and unfeeling. Do you really want to be married to this man?

Mellonsprite · 04/06/2021 20:30

Honestly I think he’s stringing you along now, he’s lied about having a ring, he shuts you down every time you raise the issue. I would actually ask him to marry you, ie propose yourself and set a date. You may need to walk away Flowers

BlueButtercups · 04/06/2021 20:44

Prick

He's absolutely stringing you along.. he holds all the power.. all the control..

Leave 🌸

kneesbentarmsstretchedrararaaa · 04/06/2021 20:51

My DH did this to me. Told he he was going to propose then took a year to do it. It honestly ruined that year for me because every country walk, every meal out, every weekend away I was wondering if he was going to pop the question. I used to get so upset about it. I knew I wanted to marry him, I'd told him outright and he just kept batting it away and saying he wanted to "do it properly".

When he did eventually propose it was lovely and he was clearly shitting himself that I'd say no, which was ridiculous. I just felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

If I had my way there would be no such thing as a proposal, two adults would just have a normal conversation and agree to get married.

I hope he gets on with it soon OP.

CrazyNeighbour · 04/06/2021 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/06/2021 21:13

No, you shouldn't trust that he is planning something. You've already done that and he has let you down. I'd say he has broken a promise to you that he would do it 'really soon' (18 months isnt really soon by anyone's standards) and he also out and out lied to you about having bought a ring. The rest you might be able to excuse as lazy rather than actively not wanting to marry you, but the lying about the ring would have really hurt me. Leading you on so you stop talking about it is more important to him than being honest.

The thing is op you can give him an ultimatum or really push this...and he might agree to get married and actually go through with it. But do you really want to be married to someone who is only doing it because you effectively made him? I say that as someone who persuaded my husband to get married, he wasnt that bothered and still isnt...and I know that marriage doesn't really mean as much to him

C0nstance · 04/06/2021 21:22

I agree.. a scarlet W tattooed on their forhead

Rainbowqueeen · 04/06/2021 21:31

Op don’t feel stupid. If you love someone you should be able to trust them.

But do take notice of what people are saying here and how he is behaving. I agree, he doesn’t want to marry you. And you shouldn’t want to marry someone who would behave so badly towards you.
Make an exit plan and move on. Wishing you all the best

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