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Original poster

I feel so stupid :(

148 replies

teeandbiscuit · 04/06/2021 16:35

I'll try and keep this short, but basically I thought my bf of 9 years was going to propose to me this month and now have realised he isn't.

We're going on a trip to somewhere it would have been lovely to propose at the end of the month, and hes been saying for a long time that he's planning on proposing "soon", and has made loads of romantic suggestions for things we should do on the trip, so I really was thinking this would finally be it! But last night we were talking and he said "I'm definitely not going to propose to you when we're in X, by the way. I really need you to know that, I don't want you thinking that's going to happen." The way he said it I knew it was true. I was really upset but didn't want him to see it, so I just said "ok" and tried to move the conversation on. He wasn't even saying it in a way where he thought he was being mean, I could tell he was just freaked out that I had got my hopes up (which of course I had).

So as not to drip feed - we're late 20's, been together since school, own a house, he always talks about marriage in the future with concrete plans. Until recently I've had no reason to think he's not serious. I've been saying it's really something I want to do soon for about 18 months/2 years, and he always uses money as a reason not now. Just before christmas I got really upset about it and he told me he was planning on proposing "really soon", so to stop asking about it, and he had a ring and a plan for how to do it. I was really happy. A couple of months later by accident I found out he hadn't got a ring, and apparently had wanted to propose at new year but with covid and the new lockdown it had delayed it.

I felt so stupid then for believing him, and I made up my mind I would set a deadline in my head for him to propose by or I was leaving. Only problem is I keep getting drunk and upset and asking when he's going to propose, and he says it's stressing him out more and more and I need to shut up about it or I'll ruin the experience for him.

I've suggested multiple times we just set a date and get married at a registry office - I actually don't even want a big romantic propsal - but he says he wants to do that.

We're not quite at my deadline yet but getting close. I just feel so stupid that yet again I've gotten my hopes up and it won't happen. Starting to think it never will. My cousin (who's my best friend) is getting married soon and my sister is pregnant (although I don't want kids so that\s not making me jealous - just feel that life is moving on for everyone and not for me.)

Should I trust that he's planning something and that me constantly asking is ruining the experience or should I just cut and run? Don't know how much more explaining my feelings I can do - he knows how I feel but seems to just be prioritising how he feels about it all.

OP posts:
BlueButtercups · 04/06/2021 21:37

9 years.. that's so long OP. Im so sorry you have been treated this way. 🌷

kiddo5467 · 04/06/2021 21:42

Do you want to marry someone you need to pressure into it? You deserve to be proposed to someone who can't wait to marry you cos he's head over heels in love with you and can't wait for you to be his wife x

DoingItMyself · 04/06/2021 21:43

Oh, OP, ffs!
The man's a pisstaker. You know that. Leave him.

Don't 'spoil the experience for him'. Remove his opportunity to take part in it. He's not keen. He's going to string you along forever. Then he'll meet some young woman, marry her and give her babies within a few months. And you'll be left wondering 'What did I do wrong?' The answer to that will be 'Nothing. You have done nothing wrong. The man isn't worth your patience.'

seensome · 04/06/2021 21:44

I think it's awful he says he will do but doesn't and to tell you it won't happen on holiday is cruel, are there other things he says will happen but doesn't? Unfortunately some men just tell you what you want to hear but don't want it themselves.
Focus more energy into yourself and go out and have fun with your friends.

Craftycorvid · 04/06/2021 21:45

Well, isn’t he full of himself? For one thing, a decision to marry should be a mutual discussion rather than waiting for someone to propose. We are not living in the 19th century and he isn’t Mr Darcey! He seems to be very comfortable with the status quo and he’s worked out a very neat way to control you. If you want marriage, you might have to make some hard decisions about whether it is to him.

ketchuponpizza · 04/06/2021 22:11

DH proposed quickly. We married within a year. That was 20 years ago.

It's right, or it isn't. I wouldn't have waited even 9 years TBH

Raspberrysins · 04/06/2021 22:25

I feel that a different perspective is needed for balance. It’s quite extreme what others are saying about leaving him. I was in your situation for 8/9 years and even found out he was going to propose like you on holiday. He’d let slip to my friend who told me in excitement. On the holiday I waited and then .. no proposal! There were so many opportunities and I was so excited! Anyway he ended up doing it his own way at home a few months later. It turned out that all the pressure was doing his head in. The more he felt other people wanted it the less he wanted to do it. Anyway we’ve been happily married for 13 years now. I’d say it’s not worth all the stress. Think about if he makes you happy and if you’re good together. Getting married is a big commitment and some men get freaked out by this and want to make extra sure🤷‍♀️

CrazyNeighbour · 04/06/2021 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueButtercups · 04/06/2021 22:38

He's avoiding it 🌸

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 04/06/2021 22:47

When I stopped talking about it my now husband proposed.....

It's on his mind and he will do it when he's ready.

BlueButtercups · 04/06/2021 23:31

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

When I stopped talking about it my now husband proposed.....

It's on his mind and he will do it when he's ready.

I think after 9 years I'd put my money on someone else asking her before him. 🌸

lovingmummyofeight · 04/06/2021 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/06/2021 01:19

It’s sickening to think of you desperately waiting and hanging on and the arrogant twat saying ‘oh by the way I’m not proposing to you on our romantic holiday”. What a pompous wanker. He must think he’s something reeeeeally special. Whereas this situation is making you feel so hurt and heart broken.

Dump him OP, this dynamic is so unhealthy. Such a lack of equality and honesty. It’s not a good basis for a lasting loving relationship.

BlueButtercups · 05/06/2021 01:31

I agree..

time to sell up and move on

Blueberry40 · 05/06/2021 01:32

I think he’s going to propose. He desperately wants it to be a huge surprise and is trying to make sure you’re not expecting it but has been a bit too convincing...he sounds like someone who likes to be in full control and wants the proposal to be a grand gesture.

Mischance · 05/06/2021 08:39

What's with all this emphasis on a proposal - the how, the when etc. If you want to get married then tell him - discuss it together and make a mutual decision. You don't need a proposal - you just need to communicate. If he is someone you cannot communicate with then he is the wrong partner for you.

WobblyMelon · 05/06/2021 09:12

@Mischance read the thread

MrsMaizel · 05/06/2021 10:09

@AtrociousCircumstance

It’s sickening to think of you desperately waiting and hanging on and the arrogant twat saying ‘oh by the way I’m not proposing to you on our romantic holiday”. What a pompous wanker. He must think he’s something reeeeeally special. Whereas this situation is making you feel so hurt and heart broken.

Dump him OP, this dynamic is so unhealthy. Such a lack of equality and honesty. It’s not a good basis for a lasting loving relationship.

and he knows you are waiting . Why would someone do this knowingly to someone every day ?
ElphabaTWitch · 05/06/2021 10:36

You propose. Why does he have to do it? If he says no, then you know where you stand. Getting drunk and snotty and causing Nd a scene isn’t helping you tbh.

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2021 11:15

@ElphabaTWitch

You propose. Why does he have to do it? If he says no, then you know where you stand. Getting drunk and snotty and causing Nd a scene isn’t helping you tbh.
Why do folks not read the thread, she’s already basically proposed. He said no.
TheGoodEnoughWife · 05/06/2021 11:26

Also don't feel stupid. You aren't stupid.

Thinking that a long term relationship will progress to marriage and children is not stupid.

Instead of feeling stupid, feel angry.
Get angry. You have been lied to. Be angry about that.

He doesn't get all the say. He is clearly telling you how he feels about marrying him. Make your own choices about what is important to you.

Bbq1 · 05/06/2021 11:30

I have a friend currently going through this. She is on verge of leaving her partner. They have a house together, grown up children and have been together more than 30 years. Apparently, it has been an ongoing problem rearing it's just head every few months but it's recently become intolerable. Her partner won't tell her why he doesn't want marriage to her, makes weak excuses and basically my friend feels like she's not 'enough' or that he doesn't truly love her. She has seen friends and family marry over the years all the time wanting the same with no real reason why her oh won't marry her. I understand this as marriage is the ultimate commitment and signifies so much more and it would seem that men in long term relationships don't want that commitment but the ability to walk away easily if they want. Op, be careful are you too will end up years down the line wondering what happened.

updownroundandround · 05/06/2021 11:37

@teeandbiscuit

If he hasn't asked you in 9 bloody years, then he seriously doesn't want to get married to you.

In all honesty, I'd have left him years ago, because marriage is important to me.

I had a BF of 3 yrs who I traveled round the world with, but when I ran out of money but couldn't work because I only had a tourist visa (we were in his home country and he'd gotten a new, very well paid job), he went very quiet, then asked me ''how are you going to get money?''. It took me about 60 seconds to absorb the fact that he wasn't interested in helping me at all. Next day I contacted family and borrowed money for my plane fare home. He then kept phoning me (from his home country) because he ''couldn't understand'' why I would think our relationship was 'over' just because he didn't offer to support me until I could either apply for a different visa or whatever Hmm

Your DP has shown you very clearly that his wishes are very different from yours, and he's not interested in marriage.

It's up to you to decide whether you accept that or not......................

1WayOrAnother2 · 05/06/2021 11:47

You have a miserable choice here really OP.
-to stay with him unmarried (wondering why he does not want to marry)
-to leave and find someone you love who does want to marry you.

Luckily, there is more than one man in the world for each of us. There are many many good ones out there. One of them will be perfect for you!

MargosKaftan · 05/06/2021 11:52

You want different futures. Hes playing along because he knows what you want is something he doesn't, but doesn't want to lose you, and is hoping if he kicks the can down the road a bit longer, he can get past this (possibly when all the weddings of your friends have finished).

Just take the power back in this relationship, house on market or find out if you can buy him out. End thr relationship.

Be clear if he wants you back, you will only live together engaged with a wedding booked that happens.

He can either have you on your terms or not at all. The relationship he wants is no longer on offer.

He probably won't. You'd be better looking for someone new who doesn't take you for granted.

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