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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH ignoring DD for 3 days now

91 replies

comfyslippets · 03/06/2021 19:53

My DD is 10 and has mild special needs. She is really loving to people who make an effort with her and is generally loved by most people who know her. Her dad has never really understood her and has never really tried - has never taken the time to sit with her and read a book/do a jigsaw/teach her how to read a bike etc. I do everything with her to the point where it's exhausting.
Anyway, I work evenings and I know it has not been very good at home on these nights for quite a while. My DH seems to just let her do what she wants and my DS (16) ends up doing the parenting which he's obviously not happy about and has been telling me recently how unhappy this is making him as she doesn't respect him etc (which I don't suppose she does as he's her older brother telling her what to do) and it means he can't do his homework.
Monday night I got in from work late, DD was downstairs on her own and DH was in his bedroom and shouted to me 'sort her out' as soon as I walked in the door and stropped off to bed.
Apparently they had had an argument and she swore at him. Now he won't talk to her. Won't say hello, goodnight or anything. I had to take the night off work last night because he refused to look after her. I don't know what to do. I don't want her growing up with a parent like this.
So, my question really is WWYD? I'm thinking I should take her away from him. Please give me your opinions because I want what's best for my children and I think it's taking her away from him

OP posts:
Peace43 · 03/06/2021 19:56

I would ask him to leave immediately. The silent treatment is abusive. I would not make my DD live in that atmosphere. I might also kick him in the arse too but I hate hate hate the silent treatment so I’m a bit grumpy about this.

AlohaMolly · 03/06/2021 19:57

My dad would ignore us as children. Once, he hit my brother repeatedly when he was around 3/4. I jumped on his back and tried to stop him hitting my little brother and my dad didn’t speak to me for two weeks. My mum and my brother apologised to him straight away and they were a happy little family and I was on the outskirts looking in. Eventually, my mum pushed me in to his room, aged 5/6, naked, about to get in the bath and made me apologise to him.

I’ve never forgotten that and neither will your DD. It’s emotional abuse and very damaging.

Holothane · 03/06/2021 19:58

I had silent treatment growing up it’s so childish. He needs to either leave or realise he’s her father as well.

Shoxfordian · 03/06/2021 19:59

I think the best thing is to take her away too

Poor girl

Melitza · 03/06/2021 19:59

This is really tough.
Your dh doesn't seem very mature for an adult and your dd needs a parent who is prepared to fulfil that role.
I think you need to find out what is making your dh so distant from his dd.
Was he different with ds?

If things don't improve then yes I think you have to leave for dd's sake but who will care for her when you work?

5zeds · 03/06/2021 19:59

What parenting is required? How long and how often is she being left with them both?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2021 19:59

This is so unbelievably sad it's shocking, and I can't believe you've allowed him to treat her this way for so long. This is heartbreaking and he is fucking horrible. He is sadistic.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 03/06/2021 19:59

Your instinct is correct, this is shocking behaviour towards a child by one of the two people she should trust the most.

It is really sad that he has never bothered to build a relationship with her.

Unanananana · 03/06/2021 20:00

Your poor DD. Your DH is a cunt. Silent treatment is abusive. She is a child, his child. Leaving you DS to parent is a dick move as well.

You'd all be better off with him not around. Protect your children!

HavelockVetinari · 03/06/2021 20:02

Your DH is a man-child. My vagina would slam shut in his presence. What a prick!

Your poor DS, that's awful for him and awful for your wee girl.

I understand how hard it must be to consider leaving your H, since you need childcare to work, and without you there you'd worry for your DD in his presence. It's an awful, awful situation Sad

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along to talk about the logistics of leaving him/kicking him out, since clearly you can't stay together unless he's willing to do counselling and a parenting course at the bare minimum.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/06/2021 20:02

@AlohaMolly

My dad would ignore us as children. Once, he hit my brother repeatedly when he was around 3/4. I jumped on his back and tried to stop him hitting my little brother and my dad didn’t speak to me for two weeks. My mum and my brother apologised to him straight away and they were a happy little family and I was on the outskirts looking in. Eventually, my mum pushed me in to his room, aged 5/6, naked, about to get in the bath and made me apologise to him.

I’ve never forgotten that and neither will your DD. It’s emotional abuse and very damaging.

That's so sad 😔 I'm so sorry Molly. The thought of you dealing with that at only 5 / 6. 💔
Flossie44 · 03/06/2021 20:02

Is this her dad?

IdoIdoIdoOoh · 03/06/2021 20:02

This is not on at all and it's abuse.
I'd be booting him out on his arse and never letting him back in.
You need to protect your daughter and your son who is having to step in and do his dad's job.
It's sad to read so you must be devastated living it but you really must step up now and do what's needed to be done.

pointythings · 03/06/2021 20:03

This is so sad. He's her father and he has completely opted out of being her father. Is that because he sees her as 'not perfect'? Is he fully engaged as a parent with your DS?

Short of addressing it with him - and I am assuming you have tried and failed - yes, you do need to leave. Your DD knows this isn't right. And it is also very unfair on your DS.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/06/2021 20:03

OP, I agree with PP. this is devastating. For both your children - your DH is ignoring his own child & DS is trying to look after her ☹️

HardRockHallelujah · 03/06/2021 20:09

My dad didn't talk to me for a total of 2.5 years, not all at once but in 2 goes. I had displeased him and he literally pretended I wasn't there. I moved out of home at 17. Now I don't see him at all since I stood up to him when he started to do the same to my much younger sister. He doesn't have anything to do with any of us and has never even seen my children. What I'm trying to say is that you must nip this in the bud right now as it's a downward spiral. No one stood up for me and I'll never forget that. I know it was because everyone was scared of setting him off but even so, I was the child and he was the adult. I hope you can find the strength to stand up for your own daughter. She needs you to do this.

Horehound · 03/06/2021 20:10

Fuck that what a disgusting man. I'd have left when he has never read a book or done a jigsaw but him actually being emotionally abusive...fuck that. Get the kids out of that environment.

AlohaMolly · 03/06/2021 20:12

Thanks Earrings I’m 33 with my own DS now and DDad died back in 2019 after a long period of contact. I’ve had years (on and off) of therapy and, now he’s dead, I’m at the point where I can remember the good times fondly. Still pretty pissed at my mother for allowing that to continue though.

OP it causes lasting damage if it’s a pattern of behaviour, please don’t let your DC go through that.

The flip side as well is that your son witnesses it and has his own role to play- I became my brothers protector for years and it was very hard as a young child to have that responsibility.

MissyB1 · 03/06/2021 20:14

Please get rid of this useless sadistic prat. Do not keep exposing your dd to this abuse, you need to protect her.

I would get legal advice as you need to preferably get him out so you and the kids can stay. If not you need to make certain of what you are entitled to in relation to the house.

tootiredtospeak · 03/06/2021 20:16

You dont say what additional needs she has but regardless it sound like he needs to make a lot more effort to be understanding from what you have written. You do not ignore your own child he needs to understand that otherwise for me he would need to leave. She should get a consequence for swearing but now he has come out much worse

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 03/06/2021 20:17

He's a prick and you need to put your daughter first. What an absolute fucking dickhead he is to carry on like that with a child, especially one with special needs.

Hen2018 · 03/06/2021 20:19

FFS. Leave him.

I’m looking at my teenage son with SEND right now and feeling sick after reading about your H.

(I’m a lone parent so it can be done).

Nextchapterofmybook · 03/06/2021 20:22

Where is your backbone? I would go nuclear if someone treated my child like that, let alone someone living in the same house as them.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2021 20:23

Where is your backbone? I would go nuclear if someone treated my child like that, let alone someone living in the same house as them.

Sorry, I agree with this. Why have you allowed this to go on? Your poor daughter.

Wuurg · 03/06/2021 20:25

You're right. I left my ex h for (among many other things) starting to give the silent treatment to my son. Who was 18 months old. He left and he's not seen him since, good riddance. Listen to your instincts. I could put up with him treating me like that but not my child.