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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH ignoring DD for 3 days now

91 replies

comfyslippets · 03/06/2021 19:53

My DD is 10 and has mild special needs. She is really loving to people who make an effort with her and is generally loved by most people who know her. Her dad has never really understood her and has never really tried - has never taken the time to sit with her and read a book/do a jigsaw/teach her how to read a bike etc. I do everything with her to the point where it's exhausting.
Anyway, I work evenings and I know it has not been very good at home on these nights for quite a while. My DH seems to just let her do what she wants and my DS (16) ends up doing the parenting which he's obviously not happy about and has been telling me recently how unhappy this is making him as she doesn't respect him etc (which I don't suppose she does as he's her older brother telling her what to do) and it means he can't do his homework.
Monday night I got in from work late, DD was downstairs on her own and DH was in his bedroom and shouted to me 'sort her out' as soon as I walked in the door and stropped off to bed.
Apparently they had had an argument and she swore at him. Now he won't talk to her. Won't say hello, goodnight or anything. I had to take the night off work last night because he refused to look after her. I don't know what to do. I don't want her growing up with a parent like this.
So, my question really is WWYD? I'm thinking I should take her away from him. Please give me your opinions because I want what's best for my children and I think it's taking her away from him

OP posts:

MiriamMargo · 03/06/2021 21:22

Sorry to be harsh, but dont you see that you are allowing you husband to mentally abuse your daughter. Abuse isn't always physical, he sounds a totally wicked bar steward. You have a duty to protect your child from him

MrsDSalvatore · 03/06/2021 21:24

@AlohaMolly

My dad would ignore us as children. Once, he hit my brother repeatedly when he was around 3/4. I jumped on his back and tried to stop him hitting my little brother and my dad didn’t speak to me for two weeks. My mum and my brother apologised to him straight away and they were a happy little family and I was on the outskirts looking in. Eventually, my mum pushed me in to his room, aged 5/6, naked, about to get in the bath and made me apologise to him.

I’ve never forgotten that and neither will your DD. It’s emotional abuse and very damaging.

Oh that is heartbreaking 💕 so sorry you and your brother had to endure that. I hope you have a happy life now

MiriamMargo · 03/06/2021 21:26

@Nextchapterofmybook

Where is your backbone? I would go nuclear if someone treated my child like that, let alone someone living in the same house as them.

my thoughts too, I am actually angry with her for allowing this to happen!

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 21:31

Divorce. Deal with whatever practicalities you have to ASAP to protect both of your children.

Original poster

comfyslippets · 03/06/2021 21:32

As I've just said up there I feel shit enough about that as it is thanks. More people saying it couldn't possibly make me feel worse than I already do.

OP posts:

Hen2018 · 03/06/2021 21:36

I think people haven’t read your update, OP.

Zebracat · 03/06/2021 21:37

@comfyslippers. Sorry you are getting a hard time here. Please seek legal advice at the first opportunity. It’s so easy to judge people, but life is messy and confusing ,and often just about getting through the day. I hope your Mum is supportive. You just sound like a loving mum trying to do her best to me.

5475878237NC · 03/06/2021 21:37

Your poor son. What horrible responsibility he has been given. Your daughter will be protected now you've decided to act but your son is still there and I'd be concerned too. I would ask him to come and sleep on the floor or sofa.

If not I really hope you can find him another relative to stay with or better yet, could social services ask your husband to stay somewhere else?

QioiioiioQ · 03/06/2021 21:39

Your DH is a cunt

AnyFucker · 03/06/2021 21:45

Op, you are moving in the right direction. You will figure it out. You must...for your dd’s sake and also for your son

Your loser of a husband should not figure in your plans. Good luck, and keep posting. There is no blame from me here but do know this. If you do not protect your children from this man in future years any lack of action by you will be judged harshly by them. He is in the one in the wrong but you have the power to put it right. Choose wisely, my friend.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 03/06/2021 21:48

OP some posters will only bother to read the first post before replying so best to just ignore them.

Is DS really happy to stay at the house or is he just trying to make things easier? I would try to convince him to come to your mums.

IsThePopeCatholic · 03/06/2021 21:48

What a dysfunctional mess. Your dh is an abuser; it sounds as though you, op, have been a bystander, but well done now for leaving and protecting your dd. Your kids deserve your protection and support - your dh is a shit and they are much better off without him.

Wolfiefan · 03/06/2021 21:56

Don’t feel shit! He should. Not you.
Your DS sounds very self aware and you sound really close. You and he can continue to love each other and work together towards the next step.
Huge respect for trying to find a way to make this better for you and both your kids.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 03/06/2021 22:03

It's not just your DD who needs protection from his behaviour, he's also harming your DS. He shouldn't have to parent because his Dad refuses to.

kiddo5467 · 03/06/2021 22:08

@comfyslippets

As I've just said up there I feel shit enough about that as it is thanks. More people saying it couldn't possibly make me feel worse than I already do.

Sorry you're getting a hard time.

I'm so glad you've done the right thing for your DD now. Sometimes when you're in a situation that has gradually worsened its hard to see how bad it has become as in a way it's more normalised?!

Does your DS usually get ok with him?
Hopefully you get a solution sorted for the 3 of you soon

Greenmarmalade · 03/06/2021 22:12

Fantastic update that you’ve left, OP!

Please do consider taking your son too, even if it’s cramped.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 03/06/2021 22:13

Your husband is behaving appallingly but it's possible he has a point about your daughter's behaviour. Your son was also struggling to look after her.

Your son may prefer staying with his father because he's struggling to manage her behaviour. Will your mum manage with her?

Hope things improve for you soon.

Greenmarmalade · 03/06/2021 22:15

He does not have a point!!

MattBerrysHair · 03/06/2021 22:19

I have a mortgage and I receive UC. Do a benefits entitlement check. The Turn2us website is good.

kiddo5467 · 03/06/2021 22:21

@PandemicAtTheDisco

Your husband is behaving appallingly but it's possible he has a point about your daughter's behaviour. Your son was also struggling to look after her.

Your son may prefer staying with his father because he's struggling to manage her behaviour. Will your mum manage with her?

Hope things improve for you soon.

It's HIS daughter so he can't just decide to have a problem with her behaviour and not parent anymore

The DS' problem is that he's a child not a parent and had homework to do. That's fair enough.

Nobody to blame here but the man-child

Suzi888 · 03/06/2021 22:22

@comfyslippets

I don't think I'll get UC because I've got a mortgage, even though it's on a house I won't be living in

You should do, if it’s up for sale or part of marital dispute then it should be disregarded for 26 weeks (I think). Ring them and ask for advice. Ring your local authority ask for housing advice and see a solicitor too. Your DH is abusive, he has to leave the home not you - ideally.

I’m sorry your family is going through this terrible time. It doesn’t sound like he’s bothered to parent much in any case, he sounds awful.

MsDogLady · 03/06/2021 22:31

Kudos for safeguarding DD by taking her to your mother’s.

You’ve previously written about H’s refusal to parent his children, as well as his abuse and neglect of DD. His current refusal to acknowledge her is more of the same.

It was sickening to read about her world book day, when she was excited about being in her costume/makeup for her Zoom class. After you left for work, she couldn’t get her Zoom to work, but her monster father wouldn’t help with it. He then took a photo of her distressed face, put it on the family WhatsApp, and thought it was funny. Such heinous cruelty is unforgivable. The damage being done to this child is monumental.

Both children are being mistreated. DD is his main target, but DS should not be responsible for his sister’s sole care when you are absent. Isn’t there also a 3rd child?

You’ve also had a thread about H’s refusal to help with any messy chores, including cleaning the bathrooms, emptying bins, or cleaning up after the family dog when he (doggie) was ill. H would actually leave urine, feces and vomit on the carpet for you to clean up because it was beneath him.

You are essentially a single mother, and your children are learning a toxic relationship model.

I hope that you will take steps to divorce this sadistic abuser and can move to a home with enough space for everyone. DS needs to be with the parent who actually cares.

Summerfun54321 · 03/06/2021 22:32

It’s not your fault your DH doesn’t love his daughter. It’s just really sad and it’s time to give her a safe loving home without him.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 03/06/2021 22:35

@comfyslippets

I don't think I'll get UC because I've got a mortgage, even though it's on a house I won't be living in

Where I am I can't move out because if I do the equity in the house becomes an asset and I'd no longer qualify for our equivalent to UC. But I can separate under one roof and qualify while divorce and financial settlement are done. Not a great option MH wise, but it's the only option I've got due to my disability and children SEN.

I'd sit down and work out your options.

Could you try to change shifts or is your job night time only? Could your mum look after DD while you work? Could you start looking for a new job that doesn't require someone to be minding DD? Is DH ok with the DC when you're home? If so is seperating under one roof an option? You don't need to know all the answers right now. Work out what options you have and go from there.

Orphlids · 03/06/2021 23:23

This article is about silent treatment within a couple, but much of it is still relevant.

www.verywellmind.com/married-couples-silent-treatment-2303421#when-silence-is-abusive

My father stopped talking to me when I was fifteen, and didn’t say another word to me until I was twenty one. This was despite us living under the same roof for much of that time. I was obviously older than your daughter, and more able to navigate that bizarre and unpleasant situation. But it has damaged me irreparably, in ways I am only beginning to understand now, two decades later. My father continues to this day to cause huge problems in my life. If only my mother had got him out of my life for good when the problems began, I would have been spared so much misery. She did what she thought was best at the time, trying to encourage him to be a better father. But a father who will ignore his ten year old daughter is probably a lost cause.

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