DH ignoring DD for 3 days now

[comfyslippets]

My DD is 10 and has mild special needs. She is really loving to people who make an effort with her and is generally loved by most people who know her. Her dad has never really understood her and has never really tried - has never taken the time to sit with her and read a book/do a jigsaw/teach her how to read a bike etc. I do everything with her to the point where it's exhausting.
Anyway, I work evenings and I know it has not been very good at home on these nights for quite a while. My DH seems to just let her do what she wants and my DS (16) ends up doing the parenting which he's obviously not happy about and has been telling me recently how unhappy this is making him as she doesn't respect him etc (which I don't suppose she does as he's her older brother telling her what to do) and it means he can't do his homework.
Monday night I got in from work late, DD was downstairs on her own and DH was in his bedroom and shouted to me 'sort her out' as soon as I walked in the door and stropped off to bed.
Apparently they had had an argument and she swore at him. Now he won't talk to her. Won't say hello, goodnight or anything. I had to take the night off work last night because he refused to look after her. I don't know what to do. I don't want her growing up with a parent like this.
So, my question really is WWYD? I'm thinking I should take her away from him. Please give me your opinions because I want what's best for my children and I think it's taking her away from him

wtaf!! leave him immediately, how can you let him treat your daughter like this? like the others have said, its abuse!

your poor daughter, and son frankly for putting up with this arsehole of a "dad"

Oh that poor wee girl. I wish I hadn’t read this...that’s so awful for her

You say you don't want her growing up with a parent like this.

Then you have only two choices. Either you leave and take your dc with you, or he has to go. Because he's never going to morph into the dad she needs, is he?

Please act today and protect your DD from this. He needs to go.

@Flossie44

Is this her dad?

That's what I'm wondering.

OP, it's not clear from your post if her dad and your DH are the same person.

Either way, his use of silent treatment is unacceptable.

I'd remove my daughter from the damaging presence of her abusive father / stepfather.

Your husband is not a suitable father. You have to decide. Him or her.

So sorry that’s harsh but that’s the way it is.

Me? I’d be consulting a family lawyer. If your husband can’t love his daughter, which is what this boils down to, he has to go.

Home is security! But not for your daughter. What on Earth can make him think it’s reasonable to blank his child for three days?
Why exactly is she having to live like that?

This is awful & abusive.

It's the kind of thing that will absolutely stay with a child for life, especially at 10.

Take the kids away, they don't deserve to live with someone like that.

Your poor dd. She deserves better than this. As does your 16yo ds.

This is really very sad. A grown man acting like a child because his own child swore at him? He needs to get a fucking grip.

I don't usually jump straight to LTB and take the kids, but this man sounds emotionally abusive. Your daughter and son both deserve better.

I would make sure you have a conversation about it in writing too if possible. That way if he tries to fight you legally on it you can show the evidence that he pretty much wanted nothing to do with DD. People like him always try and play the victim.

@AlohaMolly

My dad would ignore us as children. Once, he hit my brother repeatedly when he was around 3/4. I jumped on his back and tried to stop him hitting my little brother and my dad didn’t speak to me for two weeks. My mum and my brother apologised to him straight away and they were a happy little family and I was on the outskirts looking in. Eventually, my mum pushed me in to his room, aged 5/6, naked, about to get in the bath and made me apologise to him.

I’ve never forgotten that and neither will your DD. It’s emotional abuse and very damaging.

I’m so sorry that happened. It’s upsetting to read of you being treated that way, so goodness knows how hard it must have been for you going through it as a little girl. 💐

Yeah I don't get why you've allowed him to not build a relationship with her.

Tell the useless cunt to fuck off

Thank you all so much for replying. It makes things a lot clearer for me. Those who are saying it's my fault and I have no backbone etc, you are quite right, I have no excuse. It's got progressively worse over the last year or so and I feel guilty whatever I do. I've tried to help my DH understand her and show him how to be with her but he just ends up saying he'll parent how he wants. He tells me it's my fault because I baby her (which I may do a tiny bit) and I feel guilty for that.
I feel guilty for leaving them there when I work, which is 4 nights a week, yet if I give up my job I'll have no money. Tbh, whatever I do I feel that it's my fault and I've failed them and I feel guilty.
I've asked him to leave before a couple of weeks ago and he refuses, says it's his house and he's not going anywhere. He is her father and we are married so I know half the house is mine.
I've left tonight and am at my mum's with my DH while I decide my next step.

It's also upsetting reading the awful things some of you endured growing up with abusive parents. I'm so sad to read this and I hope you've all managed to recover from this.

Well done OP. You're putting your child first. Could your mum help out short term with looking after her?

@wuurg yes, she can short term. I've had to leave my DS at home though (hopefully short term) because there's no room here. I know he'll be fine but that breaks my heart too.

My dad would do this growing up. He was bullying and it was all about power. He was a nasty piece of work and we walked on eggshells. Your DD deserves better. So do you.

OP I would be willing to bet that you don’t ‘baby’ her, you nurture her, there is a big difference. Well done for getting out, I know it must be hard but she cannot be left alone with him until he acknowledges that he needs some serious parenting support. If anyone tells you any different you tell them what you’ve told us, it’s child abuse, plain and simple.

Wishing you all the love and luck xx

Don’t blame yourself OP, you’re not the one doing this, he is. But it is your job to protect her from this abuse so it’s good to know that you’re getting her away from the situation.

Well done, OP.

I mean this kindly, but make sure you still talk to your DS and give him the option of coming with you even if it means one of you has to sleep on the floor or something.

The last thing you want is for him to side with his father because he's worried you'd leave him behind.

This is what I'm worrying about and, to be honest, this is why I haven't left before. I gave him the option of coming, but he knows there's not really the room so said no. I've got to figure out what to do.

I don't think I'll get UC because I've got a mortgage, even though it's on a house I won't be living in