Have i been ghosted?

[MissDoomAndGloom]

Hey everyone, so I have been dating this guy for quite a while now, things seemed really good, we get on amazingly and he keeps up regular communication and contact (we speak every day/ throughout the day and he is constantly making plans for us).

For the past week and a bit, that has all seemingly changed and I know it's only been a week but I feel as though we all know the difference between 'forced conversation' and a conversation that runs smoothly.

Lately, I get a message and multiple hours go by before he replies to mine. I would have put this down to being busy at work, however, he had the past week off and even then, didn't initiate a meet-up.

I feel like he is brushing me off and so I decided to take a step back and see how he reacts but he doesn't seem to care. The last message between us was yesterday at 5 pm on the dot, which I replied to around the same time, and he hasn't even bothered to open it or read it to this moment.

So just now, me being a little bit of a worrier, I clicked onto his chat and was going to message that I hope he is okay, but hey ho, I could see he is online, so he is purposely choosing not to reply. I'm relieved that he's fine but I'm really, really hurt by this, we both have been super open and honest with each other up to this point so I can't understand why he would just ghost me after things were so good.

Thank you :)

It seems to be part of the dating game I am afraid. It sucks but luckily you have only been seeing each other for a short while. Dont text again and just get on with your life. No one knows what is going on in other peoples lives so just live your life without fretting. If a man wants you then you will never question whether you have been ghosted.

Just delete and block. He us very obviously playing games. Don't let h8m do that to you. You deserve better!

Is* sorry

Him* apologies for my horrendous typing. I hit send too quick.

@litterbird Thank you for your quick reply! that's the thing, it's been over a year and I was under the impression things were heading in a good direction for us but you are right, if he wanted me, I wouldn't be questioning his actions.

@Opaljewel Thank you! You're very kind, I guess I just don't understand how he was so persistent up until the last couple of days... men ay? but really disappointing from him, he always seemed so lovely.

As it's been a year, I'd be tempted to actually ask him what's going on. ' you've been off with me recently, what's up?' should cover it.

I wouldn't let him call the shots here - so don't 'let' yourself be ghosted without an explanation

On the other hand, just block and move on - it's the been together a year which is what's making me think it's worth calling him out on this behaviour

A year is a long time! Tbh if you can see he's online and he's not replied it sounds like he's moved on already. How did you meet? OLD?
I would definitely call him on it though. I think a year in deserves the courtesy and respect of a decent explanation. THEN I'd block and delete.

@Teessider and @Blueskytoday06 Thank you both for your replies, when he first started being off a couple of days ago, I did ask exactly that! I just casually said "are you okay recently, you seem off with me?" he responded with an apology and that he has been "run off his feet" recently, with barely a minute to himself, in those words exactly. So I thought, best to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it has persisted, and especially now with the fact he hasn't read or replied to my message but was clearly online, says to me I'm just not a priority to him.. really shitty. How would I approach this conversation without coming across as needy?

@Blueskytoday06 Sorry I completely missed that, but no not OLD, I've known him for quite some years, so it was just through mutual friends on social media.

It's been a year, not a couple of dates. If he wants to call things off, he owes you a conversation at least. It would be deeply unpleasant to leave you hanging after this long.

Can you give him a ring when you see he's online and ask what's happening rather than messaging? If he just says he is busy then find out why and when he expects to be available. I'd be open about how unusual this past couple of weeks have been and that I wanted to know where I stood.

I know this might sound pushy and that ghosting is part of dating these days but a year is an established relationship, you don't need to play it breezy and cool.

Hmm maybe we shouldn't jump to worst case scenario (we do tho, don't we)....presumably you know him well enough to decide if there's any truth in his claim? Does he suffer mental health wise? I definitely think now it's worth giving benefit of doubt until you know differently. Difficult to start a convo without looking unhinged haha. Could you say you're worried that's he's overdoing it and ask if you can help with anything ?

If you have been together for a year then that is a slightly different thing. There maybe some external stress going on he is dealing with. Men tend to compartmentalise things and sometimes the relationship gets left off the list until he can settle things with himself. If this is behaviour that is not normal for him then just back off a bit, dont keep watching whether he has seen your message and get on with your life until such time he is ready to give an explanation. Dont over analyse anything until you know for sure. The worst thing you can do is pester him when he has already given you an explanation.

Hate to say it but he sounds like he's ghosting.
It will be blamed on work etc and then suddenly he will make you feel naggy or pushy,
You are ( in an ideal world) owed an apology or explanation but since he sounds like a chicken shit you won't get one so as others have said
Block and delete.
He may even come running back if he senses he isn't in control.

If you're on Instagram- check out lalalaletmeexplain,

She summarises these kinds of blokes really well and explains what's prob going on and how and why guys ghost

Remember this isn't YOU- just a shame he's wasted so much of your time.
Hard to move on but begin to make plans to

Good luck 🤞🏼

I wouldn't worry about being 'needy'

Just be straightforward. ' I asked you last week what was up as I've noticed a distinct change in how we are chatting with each other. I'm feeling it more now, do you want to talk about it or shall we knock this thing on the head?'

I'm not actually sure about my last line tbh! But why should you spend time waiting around for him to either snap out of it or give you an explanation? You've an intuition that something is off and unless you're got form for being over bearing and paranoid, you're probably right

Would he have previously left you on unread whilst being online before?

And the 'I'm so busy' thing is nonsense. As in, yes, people can get really busy with barely a moment from time to time, but when something is a priority for you, you take the time don't you? Whether that's snatched messages or checking in for a chat after work or before a shift or a proper catch up at the weekend. Whatever

You wouldn't be left feeling in the dark

@Monsteraobliqua Thank you so much, I would like to think he would but I have this gut feeling he'd rather he didn't have to. He has told me in the past he doesn't like 'confrontation'. I know his schedule quite well, or so I think I do, usually, at 4 pm he will be headed to the gym, so I may leave it until I'm home from work and will try to reach out.

@Blueskytoday06 Thank you lovely, I did think this, but you can't help that gut feeling can you? lol something inside me is telling me something is up... That is a pretty good line, I feel like I'm potentially just going to be palmed off with another excuse though with no change in behavior? but I guess it's worth a shot?

@litterbird thank you, your right, he does suffer from his mental health quite a bit and is up and down with his depression but throughout our time together he's been very open about his episodes and I have always tried to be very supportive and understanding, so I don't know if that's the reasoning? He usually is very, very open to talk about his emotions but as of recently its like trying to talk to a brick wall.

@CaseBasket Thank you!!! funnily enough, I do follow @lalalaletmeexplain, I guess I was too blind-sighted to realize my guy was one of them. Yeah, it really does feel like a shame with how much time and emotion I invested. Thank you for your words.

@Teessider I think you are correct, it's best for me to be upfront and honest but as I said, I do think I'm just going to be palmed off with another excuse with no change in behavior because he's not ballsy enough to say? and Nooo, never which is why I find it very strange, it's gone from 24.7 contact, replies and calls were instant, to unenthusiastic replies with several hours in between. This is the longest it's been since I've thought he was being off, at 5 pm it would have been 24 hours since we last spoke? I really don't think I'm imagining this or being paranoid, his change in behavior is suspicious to me.
I completely agree, because I've been busy but I still find time to reply to people I find important.
It just sucks because if it is going to end, I would have liked it to end on good terms because things had been so great between us. But I feel as though how he has acted like this means that is not really an option? Thank you so much for your comments though, you seem lovely x

@WelcometoJam I thought this, but I feel like he's trying to make me lose interest? which is such a weird thing to say, but I feel as though he is purposely pushing me away.
I like your message ideas, I think ill go in that direction because id just prefers you to be upfront and honest....but I can't help but feel his actions are telling me all I need to know Thank you for commenting x

it's best for me to be upfront and honest but as I said, I do think I'm just going to be palmed off with another excuse with no change in behavior because he's not ballsy enough to say?

And that is when YOU end it.

You are not needy for wanting to know if every is ok after a year. I would definitely call him. Why should you feel scared to come across as needy?! It’s only human, even with a friend, to want to know if everything is ok. Good luck OP.

@Sandra15 Ah you are right Sandra. I guess I was trying to narrowly avoid that happening, but ill just have to accept him and the situation for what it is. My stomach sinks at the thought of it but there's nothing I can do. Thank you x

If it was me, (he was obviously ghosting you, even after mentioning it to him previously), I would maybe just say that you're worried about the relationship and feel like it's coming to an end. Say you'd just like some reassurance or confirmation, so you could move on?

He's treating you badly. It's not being needy.

Yep classic technique. If you ignore, he will come back in a few months with some shitty excuse. I would not ask him if there's any issue, just delete him and keep dating. Even after a year, this is how coward men behave. You deserve better

@Journeynotdestination Thank you so much, you are so correct. I guess there is such a stigma around girlfriends "constantly needing reassurance" that I don't want to come across that way, but you are so right, I'm not needy for asking for human decency, I don't ask you for anything else. I just feel as though where I have been so accommodating and understanding with him, he thinks I'm a bit of a mug? which saddens me.

@nolovelost Ah I think I was waiting to hear someone say that. I can physically feel that, that is what is happening. I think you've worded that perfectly and I will send that to him when I get home. That's what I need to remember, your treating me shitty because you never used to act like this. Thank you, i appreciate your honesty x

@confused1974 I agree, I think he is just cowardly but it's so unfair to act that way with someone who you know cares about you so deeply. What an ass. Thank you x