Have i been ghosted?

[MissDoomAndGloom]

Hey everyone, so I have been dating this guy for quite a while now, things seemed really good, we get on amazingly and he keeps up regular communication and contact (we speak every day/ throughout the day and he is constantly making plans for us).

For the past week and a bit, that has all seemingly changed and I know it's only been a week but I feel as though we all know the difference between 'forced conversation' and a conversation that runs smoothly.

Lately, I get a message and multiple hours go by before he replies to mine. I would have put this down to being busy at work, however, he had the past week off and even then, didn't initiate a meet-up.

I feel like he is brushing me off and so I decided to take a step back and see how he reacts but he doesn't seem to care. The last message between us was yesterday at 5 pm on the dot, which I replied to around the same time, and he hasn't even bothered to open it or read it to this moment.

So just now, me being a little bit of a worrier, I clicked onto his chat and was going to message that I hope he is okay, but hey ho, I could see he is online, so he is purposely choosing not to reply. I'm relieved that he's fine but I'm really, really hurt by this, we both have been super open and honest with each other up to this point so I can't understand why he would just ghost me after things were so good.

Thank you :)

@FAQs

I think I’m on my own here, everything has been fine for a year, he says he snowed up with work so has been distracted for a few days, I’d not jump to conclusions just yet, I guess it’ll all come clear in a few days.

I agree. If this was someone I'd been dating for a few months then maybe I would think he was cooling off, but as it's been over a year, perhaps he feels secure enough in your relationship to take time to himself and not have you think it means anything? And maybe he has misjudged this going by your reaction. If my boyfriend didn't respond to my messages, I wouldn't panic... I know his work is crazy right now and sometimes he doesn't have the mental energy for anything else.

That's rubbish treatment from him op, trust your feelings, you know his usual style of contact, he's been online so quite capable of messaging you if he wanted to. If he's ignoring you but online a lot I would wonder if he met someone else, I hate to say.
His actions are showing you that you are not important so let him go. Don't accept poor treatment.

Morning everyone, sorry I didn't update yesterday. Thank you so much for all of your comments.

I got home around 6:30 pm and I called him at 7 as I knew he would have been free with no excuses. I said I was wondering how he is as he hasn't been as talkative and wanted to make sure he was okay, he seemed super apologetic with the fact he hadn't been in touch that day.

He said that he had stayed at our mutual friends the night previously, had drinks, and didn't even go into work on Tuesday, and was completely "caught up" but he was sorry. This was true because i saw videos posted on social media of him at said friend's house.

I went onto explain that I meant in general, as he has been off with me for a little while and that every time I try and approach the subject I am fed another excuse as to why he can't be around right now.

His response was that he is not trying to intentionally make me feel that way and that he "just has a lot going on in his head right now", I asked him to elaborate and that If I understood what was going on, I can be there for him but he said recently he has been "distant with everyone" and doesn't want to speak to anyone or "be like that" with anyone and that he finds our situation "intense".

I said to him that he clearly has too much going on and that I'm going to remove myself from the situation, he kept telling me I'm very important to him and its unfair for me to say that he doesn't care because he really does but then said that he doesn't want what we had and that we can be "casual".

I said as much as I want him, that situation isn't what I want and so it's best if we part ways and he asked: "why has it got to be all or nothing with you, why do you have to leave?". I just said it's for the best because clearly, we are on two different pages.
I said casual doesn't work for me because I was never looking for causal, and the thought of you with someone else makes me feel ill. He kindly reassured me that he isn't like this with anyone else and that he is consciously trying to make an effort and that he doesn't even speak to his mother as much as he does to me.

I feel as though he completely disregarded my feelings, I think he doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me either which is so shitty. I said to him you're asking me to compromise myself for you, do you realize that? he said he would never intentionally hurt me and that he would do anything for me, but he just doesn't want that but "we can speak and be causal" (by casual I'm assuming he means continue to sleep with each other).

It's over, I heard him loud and clear in what he said to me. I feel really sad if I'm honest, I feel like I wasted so much time and emotion for nothing. I feel like he basically said to me I'm only good enough for casual, which makes me feel really low.

Thanks again everyone xx

@MissDoomAndGloom well done for not accepting "casual". Unfortunately the writing was on the wall when he suddenly became distant.

Be sad for a while but then remove from your mind and move on. And when he reappears (he WILL) please ignore him.

You were really mature and dignified and I'm so sorry, I'd give you a big hug and some wine if possible.
You'll soon get over it because you sound like a lovely person and know what you want, well done for not becoming his booty call xxx

Well done! I know you feel awful now but from an outsiders perspective you handled things superbly. You’ve got your answer, kept your dignity, quietly insisted on getting the information you need.
Feel sad for a while, then scrape your shoe and start again. Your instincts are spot on and you sound lovely. Good luck out there🙂

Well done OP for having that difficult conversation and pushing through the layers of excuses and vagueness. So sorry this hasn't worked out but you've done the best thing for yourself and made absolutely clear what you are NOT looking for. it's not you that's not good enough, it's him for not being straight with you in the first place.

@MissDoomAndGloom I'm so sorry, that's really shitty but go you! You're so strong and you really stood up for yourself. You should feel proud of yourself. You said 'actually no- I'm better than this- I'm too good for this'
This isn't about what you're good enough for, this is him not wanting something serious.
You're good enough for someone who wants serious and that's pretty good!
I guarantee you will move on and he will suddenly regret that decision

Think of it this way, cutting him and his casualness off means you're open and more available ( when ready) for the person you ARE meant to be with.
Chalk up the experiences you've had, they won't be for nothing, I've always said anyone I've ever not worked out with had taught me what I DONT want.

Good luck OP and well done x

Totally his loss. You’ll feel sad for a bit then angry at the gall of him to request something casual. How dare he! Bloody brass cheek of him.

I bloody love you for doing this. Well done. Now your life is YOURS and not cluttered up with a timewasting wankfox.

@Sandra15

I bloody love you for doing this. Well done. Now your life is YOURS and not cluttered up with a timewasting wankfox.

Timewasting wankfox😄

@Sandra15

I bloody love you for doing this. Well done. Now your life is YOURS and not cluttered up with a timewasting wankfox.

Well done OP, I had to make a similar call for a relationship that was going no where. I was sad for a few weeks but it’s ok now.

“time wasting wankfox” is my new quote of the year on MN!

@confused1974 Thank you, I was hopeful that it was a blip but I knew deep down my gut instinct was right. Just feel really rubbish right now!xx

@Erinrose82 Aw thank you, I really need that right now! although I think I would just result to being a blubbering mess lol. Thank you, hopefully, xx

@Coronawireless Thank you Yeah I tried my best, if he wanted out anyway where would arguing or begging have got me? He seemed so okay with it all though, very "the ball is in your court" which after a year, you don't expect from someone x

@Monsteraobliqua Thank you, id be lying if I said it was easy, especially hearing the person you love remain so detached emotionally from your efforts. I don't know, id like to think I made it easier for both of us I guess, it hasn't always got be difficult. Just left with that empty feeling you know xx

@ComeOnPeople Thank you so much, that is so lovely to word it that way and I didn't quite think of it like that. It bugged me that he said he thought that we are intense when I've never been too intense. I've never been too much, I'm just too much for you. He didn't really know what to say to that. That's true! I think he definitely has shown me what love isn't xx

@Journeynotdestination That made me giggle, thank you. I know, very cheeky after being exclusive, I was basically being demoted lol xx

@Sandra15 Ahh thank you! that made me tear up, I feel weak but I am proud of standing up for myself. I do deserve better and he certainly is a time-wasting wankfox lol xx

@litterbird Oh I'm sorry, it's tough, isn't it? I hope your feeling better. I just want it to all be over, my head is cloudy today xx

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, nothing annoys me more than people who just can't be honest. There is no need to waste someones time, if it isn't working he should have the decency to day so, not start being 'off' and less communicative. A year is a decent amount of time, after a year with my partner we'd been on holidays, met each others children and started integrating out lives, I'd have been devastated if he just went cold on me.
It's also good to trust your instincts, I remember dating a guy who seemed a bit of a 'player' but assured me he wasn't. He went from being overly enthusiastic (it was over the top) to suddenly barely messaging, each time I asked if all was ok he said yes. It took.2 weeks for him to actually say he was no longer interested.

You did amazing with your response. It must have been so hard to let go when you love him. Especially as he was not cutting you off completely but I can't believe the cheek of him! He basically just wants you when it suits him and has resregarded your feelings. Well done for staying strong. You will meet someone that deserves you.

So bloody proud of you for handling this with so much dignity and self respect OP!

You were offering the chance of something with integrity and substance, what he was offering was substandard and inadequate.

You should be feeling very good about yourself right now. Buy yourself an amazing present immediately!

@Lan2020 Thank you so much, your so kind. I just had a little cry on my lunch break. I agree I would have appreciated honesty so much more than having to walk on eggshells and figure things out for myself. I'm sorry that you went through that too, it seems like a lot of lovely people on here have experienced a few time wasters.
It is super hard, I'm feeling it right now, but thank you for your words honestly xx

@AtrociousCircumstance Thank you my lovely, I tried my best! I'm not feeling the greatest right now but im sure i will xx

I'm so sorry. I really hoped I'd end up being wrong. But kudos too you for throwing the offer of casual - WTF?- back in his face. You deserve to be proud for sticking to your principles.

But next time don't be as 'accommodating and understanding', unless it's deserved and reciprocated. It leaves you vulnerable!

This book may prove enlightening (despite the cringey title...): Women Who Love Too Much.

Read it, dust yourself off, and onwards & upwards

@FlowerArranger aww thank you, lol its fine, I think we all knew deep down.

I think I missed where someone asked what I meant by that, I think I've learnt I'm a pushover lol.
But I helped him quite a bit financially in our relationship, here and there and he came and lived with me for what was meant to be a couple of weeks to a couple of months, whilst he was having issues with his flat, I helped him whenever he needed anything, would drive him if he needed to go somewhere. I even paid off what was remaining of his credit card debt for his birthday. I always was understanding when he was genuinely busy and wasn't just palming me off.

I realise all of that was out of the kindness of my own heart, so more fool me. I tried to be the perfect girlfriend and friend that he needed but turned into a doormat and it still wasn't enough! bleh x

@FlowerArranger also, I just downloaded the book onto my kindle. Thank you, your so lovely x

This is sad.
Men do not respect doormats, I’m sorry to say.
Being respected and having self-worth are crucial in any relationship.
Do read that book!

Cross-post!
You sound lovely too. And one day you’ll meet someone who truly deserves you!

Are you a pushover OP or did you just put your all into the relationship (which is a normal thing to do).....this is on him. Surely we can't go into things thinking the worst ? How tragic would that be. In future you will be cautious but hopefully open to new people and eventually a relationship. He well let's not hope that he finds whatever he's looking for. Lastly, I'm in awe of your strength, knowing what you want and not settling. 👏🏻👏🏻

Well done OP! I'm very glad you called him and asked and forced a response. So you could make your decision having all the facts.

Very sorry he turned out to be a wet wipe. But I'm glad you didn't agree to this 'being casual' just to keep him. And glad you didn't let him guilt you about 'wanting more'. He sounds emotionally avoidant and a bit mad to be comparing his contact with his mother with his gf... weirdo.

This is not about you at all. Some people just aren't ready for or good at relationships. You could have been his perfect woman and he'd still struggle. It's him with the problem, not you. He's admitted he has shit on and of course he was going to chance that he could maintain your relationship in some capacity.

You deserve more than scraps. Well done for recognising it. And until he comes crawling back grovelling and demonstrating he can be the bf you deserve, ignore him completely. Don't get suckered in by 'I
Miss you'. You will be fine! You will meet someone who can't wait to be your bf.

Been there and it really stings that someone who claims to love you can treat you with such little decency
I just don't know but this treatment seems to be getting more frequent from 'men' who seem to think they are entitled to use us/put us back at will

You handled that really well, particularly in making it clear you weren’t prepared to be downgraded to a FWB. You’ve dodged a bullet there. I suspect he’ll come crawling round in a few month when he realises what he’s lost.