Have i been ghosted?

[MissDoomAndGloom]

Hey everyone, so I have been dating this guy for quite a while now, things seemed really good, we get on amazingly and he keeps up regular communication and contact (we speak every day/ throughout the day and he is constantly making plans for us).

For the past week and a bit, that has all seemingly changed and I know it's only been a week but I feel as though we all know the difference between 'forced conversation' and a conversation that runs smoothly.

Lately, I get a message and multiple hours go by before he replies to mine. I would have put this down to being busy at work, however, he had the past week off and even then, didn't initiate a meet-up.

I feel like he is brushing me off and so I decided to take a step back and see how he reacts but he doesn't seem to care. The last message between us was yesterday at 5 pm on the dot, which I replied to around the same time, and he hasn't even bothered to open it or read it to this moment.

So just now, me being a little bit of a worrier, I clicked onto his chat and was going to message that I hope he is okay, but hey ho, I could see he is online, so he is purposely choosing not to reply. I'm relieved that he's fine but I'm really, really hurt by this, we both have been super open and honest with each other up to this point so I can't understand why he would just ghost me after things were so good.

Thank you :)

He sounds to me like he hasn't got a clue what he's doing and isn't capable of maintaining a proper emotional connection with anyone, let alone someone as balanced and transparent as you.

Given the length of the relationship, this is in a different category to the guys online who like to conquer then disappear. However, the effect is the same - you feel very let down, almost confusingly so.

I'm sorry OP but it's good this has come out. So you don't waste any more time on it. Xx

Hi OP. This won’t be the end of it. Once you’ve ignored him for a while, he’ll grow bored and need his ego stroked / money / emotional support / sex ... and so he will get in touch with you.

Please don’t reply. Don’t get sucked in or he will waste even more of your time.

For a masterclass on dignified silence, check out the running in the rain threads.

The OP was spectacularly dumped by text message after two years with her boyfriend. He wanted space, so she gave it to him. Permanently.

Long story short, her dignified silence drove him nuts. He ended up sending 3 page, double sided declaration of love letters almost a year after he dumped her by text.

Part one
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text

Part two
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3835502-Dumped-by-text-part-2

Take control and be strong. We’re all rooting for you.

I agree with @WizardOfAus
He will definitely pop up again in a couple of months. He won’t like how it didn’t end on his terms, and he will have probably lost interest in whatever turned his head from you.
I experienced a very similar slow fade a couple of years ago. Turns out he had clearly met someone else (though this was denied). He then popped up again a few weeks later, by which time I had focussed my upset into anger at him being so spineless and pathetic, and was able to reply in a patronising way that I knew would get to him. I promise it will get better! See if you can muster up some anger about how pathetically he went about ending it.

Hey Everyone! Sorry, I haven't been very active on here today. I've been attempting to distract myself with work and the nice weather. Its a struggle for sure.

Update:

He reached out by text last night and bizarrely he was acting as if nothing had happened or that we hadn't spoken previously about what the situation is.

I shot back and ended the conversation.

He proceeded to ask that if he makes me happy, why I won't speak to him and why I would mess things up. He got quite frustrated and said that I have annoyed him. He told me that he will speak to me another time and that he hopes I get home safely.

I didn't reply and haven't heard from him since I was under the impression that after that hard conversation the other night he would understand that we want two different things and that it's over.

He obviously isn't taking me seriously right? or is he just playing a continuous game?

PS.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has taken the time to comment. You are all incredible and im so greatful.

He’s trying to reel you back. Best thing is to ignore, go no contact and block as otherwise it’s hard to move on. You don’t want the same thing sadly.

Oh and he’s being a knob.

Yes, I agree, I will cut contact because I'm too old for games and going in circles.

Honestly when I see his name pop up on my phone my entire stomach sinks.

Yup, standard hoovering from him. Ignore him & block if you can. He’ll only fuck with your head & heart.

Thank you @Journeynotdestination , i will continue to block him out x

This is annoying isn't it? I went out with someone a few times years ago now, and he was just a pain in the arse and there were lots of red flags. Weird behaviour and sulking, and once I went to his house having driven 50+ miles in the dark and rain through lots of diversions in an unfamiliar area to be berated for being late (though I had kept him updated on the journey) because he had bought tickets to see the Manic Street Preachers. I loved them and this was great, but it was a 'surprise' and I wasn't sufficiently grateful by turning up late.

I then had to drive to Nottingham from Grantham (having driven from Barnsley) and got a parking ticket.

He then said that he didn't see much point in us continuing to see each other and (with some relief) I agreed and wished him well. I had spent far too much time being bored with no conversation, endless repeats of Only Fools and Horses and wall to wall golf at his house.

I then received paragraph after paragraph about what a failure I was as a girlfriend, I refused to talk/engage whatever whatever and he couldn't believe I was so cavalier.

He'd asked to end it, I'd agreed and given him what he wanted, what's not to like? What was the point of that?

He's now been charged and sentenced for possession of child and animal pornographic images. Thank Christ I got out.

Hopefully your weirdo isn't THAT weird but it is a mystery why they try to hang on!!

@Sandra15 Oh my god. My jaw was literally dropping further and further as I read your post. I'm in absolute awe at your strength but I'm sorry you had to endure that to get where you are now.

It does just go to show you never really known a person, Jesus. I don't think ill ever tolerate red flags again.

I do think my weirdo is a bit of a control freak and he's hating that I'm not allowing him to control this situation. You told me you wanted casual, I said no, that's it, Conversation done?

Just ridiculous, its enough to put you off for life xx

I've been on here a long time OP, I must say that very few posters have ever impressed me as much as you have, I think 'running in rain' was the only other one.

You are bloody brilliant and you will annoy the hell out of him. Excellent.

@earminted Oh, that comment has made my day! Thank you so, so much for that. Your amazing, I hope you know that too.
I can assure you it's not been easy, and I'm not usually this composed, I am literally just 'winging it' right now, but time is a healer ay? x

Fucking too hilarious..him and his psycho girlfriend and flashy car (which he's probably still with)
maybe posted on wrong thread

Yep, he’s trying to reel you back in so he can either end things on his terms, or string you along some more.
You have surprised him and damaged his ego by refusing to put up with his shit and ending things. He’s showing his true colours, keep your head up high and you’ll be over him before you know it. He’s clearly not as nice as he seemed to be.

Just leave it. If you're not a priority then just let it go.

Don’t “shoot back”. Just blank/ignore any further messages he sends or it will descend into another tit for tat and drain your emotional energy.

It’s not beyond the bounds of possibility that a man who has been coasting along taking his girlfriend for granted may, after a sharp shock, realise what he has lost and step up.
In that case I’d expect him to phone you, try to meet you, offer a serious discussion, spell out that he does not want to lose you. Has he done that? No!

My interpretation is that after a year, the honeymoon / excitement has worn off and you're in a comfortable, close relationship. He caught sight of some pretty woman and thought 'oi I want some of that'. Launched into the 'casual' talk in the hopes he can develop something with her. Couldn't. Texted you again hoping to pretend nothing had happened. He's fucked up majorly and I think will try again to get back with you.

You sound such a lovely person and you deserve someone who really appreciates you. This book really helped me not be such a people pleaser and to take better care of myself.

Well done Op, inspirational as you clearly held him to account.

He is arrogant as assumed he could dictate the relationship and I suspect you will have increased in "value" in his eyes so watch out for further hoovering. It will be extremely irritating to him that he has lost you as I suspect he thought you would be willing to hang around for scraps. Your generosity and kindness was mistaken by him for being a walk over but you showed him you know your worth.

You will feel sad but hopefully have learnt from this relationship. Many of us learn way later in life to value ourselves so have done well.