Have i been ghosted?

[MissDoomAndGloom]

Hey everyone, so I have been dating this guy for quite a while now, things seemed really good, we get on amazingly and he keeps up regular communication and contact (we speak every day/ throughout the day and he is constantly making plans for us).

For the past week and a bit, that has all seemingly changed and I know it's only been a week but I feel as though we all know the difference between 'forced conversation' and a conversation that runs smoothly.

Lately, I get a message and multiple hours go by before he replies to mine. I would have put this down to being busy at work, however, he had the past week off and even then, didn't initiate a meet-up.

I feel like he is brushing me off and so I decided to take a step back and see how he reacts but he doesn't seem to care. The last message between us was yesterday at 5 pm on the dot, which I replied to around the same time, and he hasn't even bothered to open it or read it to this moment.

So just now, me being a little bit of a worrier, I clicked onto his chat and was going to message that I hope he is okay, but hey ho, I could see he is online, so he is purposely choosing not to reply. I'm relieved that he's fine but I'm really, really hurt by this, we both have been super open and honest with each other up to this point so I can't understand why he would just ghost me after things were so good.

Thank you :)

Have you exchanged 'I love you's' ?

He isn't ghosting you.
You are being let go.
No point flogging a dead horse.
Sorry!

Yeah I did think the same @FlowerArranger
Possibly a slow fade rather than a full on ghost. He then doesn't have to formally end it as it will just fizzle.

@Blueskytoday06 Yes we have, at least I know one of us meant it..

@FlowerArranger This is what I thought, so thank you for commenting. So you think there is no point in messaging? just accept what's happened and move on?

No you still need an answer - he should definitely call time if that's what he wants.

@Blueskytoday06 Ah okay, do you think I should go with one of the really helpful messages suggested in this thread? or what do you suggest?

I would text something like
Hi X. I hope you have had a nice bank holiday weekend. I would really like to catch up with you and just clarify where I stand. I feel we are drifting towards being friends rather then 'in a relationship' and this is where it seems to be going. I'd rather have a chat about it -but I'm letting you know I feel we are friends now and not in a relationship. What do you think?

OP - I agree you deserve an explanation.
But you won't get it.
He'll continue to palm you off with platitudes.
You'll continue to wonder, agonise and feel hurt.
And eventually he will ghost you.
Better to stop this now and focus on friends, hobbies, things that give you joy.
Your pain will be less than if you continue to let him play his game.

@Iamaperwinkle Thanks for taking the time to comment, I do wish it was as simple as getting an answer from him, ha.

@FlowerArranger Thank you, I know you are right. I guess we all sort of hope for that closure but I can already see where I stand and it's right at the back of the list out of people who are important to him. Such a shit feeling.

Ugh I feel your pain. Why say I love you if he doesn't?! It's not something to be banded about like it's meaningless. Yeah look at the thread and see if you find a way to approach.
Has it just been in the last week that you've noticed a shift ? Or have there been other little clues here and there?

Why don’t you just say ‘ I don’t think this relationship is working anymore, do you? Just basing it on the vibes I’m getting this week. Let’s be honest here and move on from each other if this is the case?
I’d want closure after a year! You’ve given a non confrontational person and easy way out. If he ignores that text then just block him.

One more thing - no 2...:

You were ‘dating’ this man for over a year, which suggests that even though you were getting on well, it wasn’t actually heading anywhere. At least as far as he was concerned. Which may be fine if you’re quite young, but I suspect you may be at a point where you are looking for something more permanent? Did you ever talk about the future at all?

Second: you refer to being ‘accommodating and understanding’, which suggests a somewhat one sided relationship. You were hoping it was headed somewhere, but it wasn’t. You need to look after your own interests more! And booster your self-esteem.

Bottom line: if you find yourself fretting about a guy not explaining and going quiet, it’s time to let go.

@FlowerArranger this confuses me and they've exchanged i love you's - I would think if you'd done that then it's perfectly reasonable to think that it is actually going somewhere??

What @WobblyMelon said! Its perfect

@FlowerArranger

OP - I agree you deserve an explanation. But you won't get it. He'll continue to palm you off with platitudes. You'll continue to wonder, agonise and feel hurt. And eventually he will ghost you. Better to stop this now and focus on friends, hobbies, things that give you joy. Your pain will be less than if you continue to let him play his game.

THIS

@Iamaperwinkle

I would text something like Hi X. I hope you have had a nice bank holiday weekend. I would really like to catch up with you and just clarify where I stand. I feel we are drifting towards being friends rather then 'in a relationship' and this is where it seems to be going. I'd rather have a chat about it -but I'm letting you know I feel we are friends now and not in a relationship. What do you think?

I'd do this. But miss the friends bit out of the last paragraph

@Blueskytoday06
I love you doesn’t mean much unless it’s backed up by actions and commitment. Words are cheap. Guys will say a lot of things to get what THEY want.

The sad truth is that when it comes to ‘love’ and protecting their own interests, men tend to be much more ruthless than women.

Sorry, it isn't looking good and I'd expect that after a year things to be more serious. He sounds like he's treating you (and probably others) as a fwb.

Can't find the thread now but a few months ago there was a thread about a woman who'd been broken up with by text after a few years with "no need to reply". It's a great read and the woman was so strong.

Why can’t adults just say I’m not into you bye, rather than this bullshit.

I guess there is such a stigma around girlfriends "constantly needing reassurance" that I don't want to come across that way

Men created this stigma so that they can act like twats and not have to be held accountable.

If it was me, I'd get a lot of pleasure in just saying nothing and blocking him, (not everyone is the same though). He's offering nothing anymore and making you feel insecure. Someone that cares about you doesn't do that.

Or say what you said you were going to say, and let us know what he says.

I'm sick of being messed about and ready to give up on OLD!

Don’t overthink what to write. Personally I would phone, why shouldn’t you? But if you decide to text, just be upfront, something like ‘Hey, I’m getting vibes that you are pulling away a little, normally you’d have read and replied to my message by now, so is all ok? I’d appreciate knowing if something is up, thanks’.

You've been in a relationship for over a year???

Why not just call him and ask what's going on?! This is not some random guy you've had a few dates with. A year in, you are within rights to ask and demand answers. I never understand this passive attitude to just accepting lack of contact without even insisting on a face to face conversation. If he declines to do that, then you have your answer. But how can you have invested a whole YEAR into someone and be too nervous to just meet up with him and ASK.

He’s being an arse. So I’m guessing he’s been very self absorbed on and off with depression and you’ve been super supportive? Has it been one sided? Sounds it. You sound lovely btw.

I think I’m on my own here, everything has been fine for a year, he says he snowed up with work so has been distracted for a few days, I’d not jump to conclusions just yet, I guess it’ll all come clear in a few days.