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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Always left out in the friendship group

105 replies

DeathOnTheNile · 01/06/2021 12:44

I'm part of a longstanding group of 5 friends from university. One person in the group I'm not particularly close to, the other 3 I consider to be close friends. We often organise things for major life occasions like birthdays and weddings and over the years I've noticed more and more that I'm left out of things and am the last to know even though I always include them in anything I do and make a big fuss over their birthdays and occasions. There are many small examples, like them organising group gifts where I'm not given any input but am then asked to contribute funds once they've already decided, outings that I find out about afterwards, not being added to WhatsApp groups etc.

One of the group is now getting married soon (we're not in the UK) and I've just gotten a message saying 'We've organised a lunch as a last hurrah for the bride on Saturday, would you like to come?' In those words.

I'm torn now about what to do, because yet again it's them organising something and inviting me at the last minute, even though I would've been happy to help organise things and am helping the bride with her hen's party. I feel like such an afterthought and am pretty sure going along will just make me feel even worse.

Should I just opt out of this friendship group altogether? I'm sick of the high school feel of it all and trying so hard to keep up with people who clearly don't feel the same way about me Sad

OP posts:
LassoOfTruth · 01/06/2021 13:01

This sounds hard, sorry OP. I’m sure they don’t mean to hurt your feelings but once a group’s dynamic is formed it can be hard to change it, especially if you’re not all together all the time anymore, like friends tend to be at university. I sympathise, but maybe you need to find new friends? These ones aren’t fulfilling your needs 🤷‍♀️

LuvMyBubbles · 01/06/2021 13:06

I think you need to look at new friends s d distance yourself a bit from these guys. See what reaction a bit of space gives you?

Disingenousdilemma · 01/06/2021 13:14

Is it possible that members of the group are natural organisers or like to take the lead? Some people like the control this gives them and possibly they see you as more outside their group. Are you able to take the lead more? Group dynamics are complicated but they are including you. I would feel more upset if they left me out altogether.

Original poster
DeathOnTheNile · 01/06/2021 13:17

Thanks for the comments. I feel torn because I know if I turn down the invite it'll heighten the divide further and reinforce the dynamic that I'm on the outside. I don't even know how it developed - I've always taken them out for birthdays, checked in on them, bought them gifts for occasions etc. One time a few years ago another person in the group got married (the friend I'm not particularly close to) and I was added to the WhatsApp hen's group once everything was organised and straight away asked to contribute a fairly large sum of money! I did it too, just because I wanted to be part of it.

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 01/06/2021 13:17

You need to decide where you want the friendships to go? But if you don't want to go personally I would be annoyed and reply so. "Sorry I already have plans, if you let me know earlier next time I should be able to"

Original poster
DeathOnTheNile · 01/06/2021 13:20

I am actually organising something for the hen's party for the upcoming wedding. It's an activity I thought they'd all join in on but when it came to it, none of them wanted to be involved (it wouldn't have cost them any money) - another example of how when I organise things no one seems interested! I just don't seem to be the one in the group anyone gravitates towards, no matter how hard I try.

OP posts:
Oenanthe · 01/06/2021 13:22

I always include them in anything I do and make a big fuss over their birthdays and occasions

I've always taken them out for birthdays, checked in on them, bought them gifts for occasions etc.

This is where you're going wrong. To make friends, you have to have something that other people find appealing. This is generally confidence, wit and charm. Buying presents and making a fuss just makes you seem needy. Sorry to be blunt, but I think you'd be happier if you were less nice.

Oenanthe · 01/06/2021 13:23

I just don't seem to be the one in the group anyone gravitates towards, no matter how hard I try.

This is exactly my point. Stop trying. Be your own best friend. Be happy, do interesting stuff on your own. People will find you much more appealing.

Disingenousdilemma · 01/06/2021 13:24

If you have tried and it's not worked your best option is to walk away. You will waste so much energy and erode your self esteem chasing for something they are unwilling to give. They are not your tribe.

rookiemere · 01/06/2021 13:28

Do they live closer and see each other in person?
I'd go to the event and ask if going forward you could be involved in the planning.

Original poster
DeathOnTheNile · 01/06/2021 13:45

It might be that I've come across as trying too hard. But when I don't try/initiate, they don't really make much effort. An example is that the 'alpha' person in the group will respond to when I message her but will almost never ask how I am.

I have lived further away from them in the past so I can't discount that as a factor, but when I did live close by (and do now) it didn't seem to make much of a difference.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 13:50

Op are you sure you’re invite is any different to other people’s?

Anordinarymum · 01/06/2021 13:56

OP You say it's a group of five. Are the others friends in twosomes and then in the main group which may be why you are inadvertently left out?

They may not even realise you are being left out ?

Original poster
DeathOnTheNile · 01/06/2021 13:58

The lunch is only with the 5 of us, and it was phrased as 'Me, X, and Y are taking the bride out, do you want to come', so they obviously discussed it and agreed on a time and place that suits them well before asking me.

OP posts:
Andylion · 01/06/2021 14:01

OP, what do they do for your birthday? Does one of them organize a group gift?

C0nstance · 01/06/2021 14:01

Definitely go. They invited you. Organ8sing things is shit. You get to be included worhout having organised it. Win win.

NightoftheLivingBread · 01/06/2021 14:07

It sounds like they’ve got a problem with you OP (although not suggesting that that’s in any way your fault). It almost sounds a bit as though they’ve formed a little clique and are asking you reluctantly out of duty.

Sounds pretty childish.

Is there any one of them that you’re particularly close to? If you are interested in maintaining ties with them, is there any possibility of arranging some meet-ups one on one with separate members of the group? If there’s a weird dynamic formed, it can be easier to strengthen the relationships one on one. Sorry OP that sounds really disappointing to be on the receiving end of. Were they always like this or did something change over the years?

messybun101 · 01/06/2021 14:07

Sending kind wishes to you op Thanks

I was the same as you. I know EXACTLY the feelings and emotions you have.
I was 'part' of a group of four. We worked together too so it was very hard

I felt like the 'afterthought' all the time but I never raised it through fear I'd be left alone with zero friends. I had kind of put all my eggs in the one basket...

There was a baby shower organised for one of them. I wasn't just not apart of planning, I wasn't invited! I found out the Friday before the shower on Sunday. It broke my heart. It was an 'oversight' apparently but every one with a vagina was there.
I left the handmade knitting I'd ordered, bought and planned on the desk of mum-to-be with a gift card on the Monday before she started work and I didn't breathe a breath to any of them the entire shift. I had anxiety and could feel a wave of depression cloud me in the moment. It was horrible. I felt so rejected. I didn't deal with it well

That was the August. I took time off to get build some confidence and self esteem back but I handed in my notice in October. I really loved that job but I couldn't work there anymore and my mental health had to take priority

I've never spoken to them since. I still wonder what happened but given I was 'just an oversight' I doubt it would matter the real reason.
I would love to know what (if anything) made them choose the path of hurting me so bad. Knowing it and saying nothing. Never acknowledging any problems with me and I had no reason to think there was ever anything wrong
I guess that time they didn't need me to make up the numbers

2bazookas · 01/06/2021 14:08

Do you do an equal share of organising contacts, activities etc?

If you leave all that to the others, they probably think you aren't all that bothered with them.

NightoftheLivingBread · 01/06/2021 14:10

It sounds like the best thing you can do is rely on these people less and develop friendships and a social circle outside of this group. You will care less and will be able to approach this situation from less of a position of ‘need’.

suggestionsplease1 · 01/06/2021 14:10

Is there any history with the one you're not particularly close to?

AiryFairyMum · 01/06/2021 14:11

It sounds like you're over-invested. Maybe you'd have more fun if you focused less on the group dynamics?

YoutubeZoom · 01/06/2021 14:13

Perhaps you could talk to them.
Someone in our friendship group once said half-jokingly "Well, none of you ever call me. I always have to make the first move." Ever since then I have made sure that I call / text her regularly. We love her, we are just less organised.

PleasantBirthday · 01/06/2021 14:15

Well, they're not completely cutting you out but it does seem that an inner circle has developed and you're not part of that.

Personally, I'd say go on the terms you were invited if you think you would enjoy it and in future, only engage on the level that you're at. I certainly don't think that the overtures of friendship coming from them require any effort from you so I don't think I'd bother doing anything much.

Original poster
DeathOnTheNile · 01/06/2021 14:17

I do a lot of reaching out to them on both a group and individual basis and have very recently taken one of them out for her birthday. There was one person in the group I considered an especially close friend but lately she's been very flaky and unreliable and the fact that she didn't mention a word about the lunch until now makes me feel even more sad.

I don't think that any of them have a particular issue or problem with me as they still include me in things but it's more that I seem to be the lowest in the group hierarchy Sad. I've noticed the 'alpha' person in the group has sometimes made jokes at my expense in front of the others, almost like affectionate teasing but with a bit of a sting. Yet she's happy to seek me out when she's needed my help with things, like very recently she asked me for help with her business and I spent a lot of time doing research for her.

And sorry to those who can relate, it really sucks. It's made me question my self-worth a lot. I'm still undecided about the lunch - I really do value the friendship of the bride so for her sake I'd like to go, but I'm worried I'll feel like crap the whole time.

OP posts: