Always left out in the friendship group

[DeathOnTheNile]

I'm part of a longstanding group of 5 friends from university. One person in the group I'm not particularly close to, the other 3 I consider to be close friends. We often organise things for major life occasions like birthdays and weddings and over the years I've noticed more and more that I'm left out of things and am the last to know even though I always include them in anything I do and make a big fuss over their birthdays and occasions. There are many small examples, like them organising group gifts where I'm not given any input but am then asked to contribute funds once they've already decided, outings that I find out about afterwards, not being added to WhatsApp groups etc.

One of the group is now getting married soon (we're not in the UK) and I've just gotten a message saying 'We've organised a lunch as a last hurrah for the bride on Saturday, would you like to come?' In those words.

I'm torn now about what to do, because yet again it's them organising something and inviting me at the last minute, even though I would've been happy to help organise things and am helping the bride with her hen's party. I feel like such an afterthought and am pretty sure going along will just make me feel even worse.

Should I just opt out of this friendship group altogether? I'm sick of the high school feel of it all and trying so hard to keep up with people who clearly don't feel the same way about me

I was in a group like this, one alpha who led the group and even being friends on a 1:1 basis she always defined what happened. Another friend left before me, another moved away, I dropped out (slow fade), not sure if last 3 still meet and honestly don't care. A negative situation that causes anxiety is not a friendship.

Why do you want to be involved in organising? You've been invited to the main event - the lunch - with none of the hassle. It would be cutting your nose off to spite your face not to go, assuming it's something you'd otherwise enjoy.

Thanks for all the kind comments, I really appreciate it. This situation has really been eating me up for some time and I think it's obvious that I'm too invested, because I care so much. Like a PP said I'm of the view that 'friends are forever' and try really hard to hold on to my oldest and dearest friends, but it seems I need to try and detach a bit. I love all these people individually but as a group the dynamic is somewhat soul-destroying.

I'm still on the fence with the last-minute lunch invitation and there have been mixed views on the thread about it. It might help me to say no and take back some agency but it also feels a bit petty. If I can go but remain mentally detached that'd probably be ideal. I'll keep you all posted.

I think friendships should make you feel happy and cared about. I'm a firm believer in friendships sometimes run their course.
However I would go to the lunch - remain mentally detached from it. Kill with kindness and then slowly detach from the group after

If you have to make so much effort, it's not worth it. Friendships should happen naturally. No more people pleasing!

I had a challenging childhood and it has left me with a need to feel I’m central in friendships - individual or groups. I now try and assess if the friendship feels balanced rather than I’m central (does that make sense?!) So now I quite enjoy groups where I’m a last minute invite add on, I stay more emotionally detached, have less pressure to please the other group members and put myself out for them and get to go to the fun meet ups. I then keep my close friendships as 1-2-1 relationships. I don’t try and work out whether I’m their closest friend (anymore!) and just try and assess if it feels balanced and I enjoy it. I will them put myself out when needed to support these individuals who appreciate me when I do.

Good advice. I feel like that too. Always excluded. But then i realise, when was the last time i arranged anything

Friends really aren't forever.

It does not sound so terrible to me

They are not excluding you as such, they just are closer friends with eachother than they are with you

That happens (I am in a friendship group who all go on holiday together each year, they never ask me. It’s because all their husbands are friends, yet my DH is an anti social bugger who has no interest in being friends with my friends’ husbands 😁. I can accept that)

I am also not sure about the concept of an “alpha”, I have never been in friendship groups where there are alphas (and betas?) , I genuinely and honestly can say I never see friendships like that

I was part of a Uni group and ended up in a relationship with one of the guys four years in. He was an alpha-male type and when I ended our relationship, he made sure our friends felt uncomfortable about including me.

I hung on for years! I went to weddings abroad where I was sat on a different table, not invited out to group dinners the day before/after, none of them ever got in touch etc.

They all became affluent, with good jobs, big houses and nice holidays. I took an alternative route and thought they looked at me as a failure. I was embarrassed.

Eventually I let go. I now realise they were locked into paying huge mortgages, private schools and Dubai holidays while I had a life which perhaps liked a little freer and more fun. Years later Alpha male emigrated with the alpha female he got together with two months after we broke up. But by then, I was friends with two women from the group and had happily let the others go.

Don't torture yourself op - be unavailable, let them go.

@Oenanthe

I always include them in anything I do and make a big fuss over their birthdays and occasions

I've always taken them out for birthdays, checked in on them, bought them gifts for occasions etc.

This is where you're going wrong. To make friends, you have to have something that other people find appealing. This is generally confidence, wit and charm. Buying presents and making a fuss just makes you seem needy. Sorry to be blunt, but I think you'd be happier if you were less nice.

Yup I agree. Why are you going tk all that bother for people that don't include you? I don't even make that much fuss of my friends birthdays etc and we have been friends since the age of 5.

Yes you need to opt out of this friendship group, not all friendships are going to last forever, I think this is one.

You are reminding me of myself when I was in my 20s I moved to London and formed a small group of friends. Over time I noticed that they always agreed things and then asked me. My boyfriend at the time said it was like I was “making up numbers”. One of them was getting married, very very small do and she invited the others but not me. Then the one who I considered myself closest to, on a night out took me to one side and told me about her pregnancy, at first I felt so chuffed and honoured that she wanted to tell me first, then it dawned on me that it was old news to the rest of them. I had been thinking for about a year that I was the spare wheel, but after that I never saw any of them again. I don’t think they even wondered where I went and I soon got over it too.

The key thing is that you feel bad.

Your friends shouldn't make you feel bad.

One is a bit of a user too.

OP, kindly meant but you are trying way too hard running around after them, the fifts etc. and making little of yourself in the process.

You need to realise most friendships don't last, usually only the very special ones.

Start focusing your efforts on making new friends close to where you live.

Go to the lunch if you like, but no gifts of any sort.

There is no need for a falling out, just pull back and focus on another area of your life.

*gifts

@Fashio

Why don’t you arrange stuff

If you read her posts, you'd see that she does

Honestly OP, maybe go to the wedding but after that, quietly distance yourself.
Mute the group and look for better friends

You sound lovely and they sound like shit friends. Friends should make you feel great about yoursefl,be there to support you , include you in things and it should be a pleasure and not hard work.

You need to ditch these users and find friends who deserve you :) . Don't waste any more time worrying about them.

They are not excluding you as such, they just are closer friends with eachother than they are with you

This is right. And some people would feel ok with this and others not. Neither feeling is right or wrong.

I had a friendship group like this, also from uni. I was always on the periphery of the core gang (thankfully I did have other friends outside the group or who were also on the periphery). I kept meeting up with them as a group for years, but every time would end up feeling hurt by the mention of something I hadn’t been included in. I stopped bothering, focused on other friendships and honestly felt so much better.

With hindsight it’s not surprising I was peripheral, I didn’t have a huge amount in common with four of the five.

I’d go to the wedding with the mindset that I was going to enjoy myself chatting to lots of different people and then I would gradually detach from the group by not initiating messages or putting forward ideas. There’d be a lot of “sounds great but I’m busy on 16th have fun, post some photos” from me. Move away from the group with the minimum of fuss. And no more research unless you happen to be interested in it!

@ChubbyLittleManInACampervan

It does not sound so terrible to me

They are not excluding you as such, they just are closer friends with eachother than they are with you

That happens (I am in a friendship group who all go on holiday together each year, they never ask me. It’s because all their husbands are friends, yet my DH is an anti social bugger who has no interest in being friends with my friends’ husbands 😁. I can accept that)

I am also not sure about the concept of an “alpha”, I have never been in friendship groups where there are alphas (and betas?) , I genuinely and honestly can say I never see friendships like that

Me neither! Sounds like living in the worst type of workplace.

I don't know if this could possibly ring a bell with you but I have one friend that has made me feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable by being a bit OTT with gifts to me and my children. Spending more than I would spend on my husband! In her mind she's being a great friend but honestly it makes me panic a bit because I feel I should equally return all the gestures and I just don't have the time and budget for that! So I take a step back a bit in the hopes she does the same.

I think I would say "I'm sorry, I can't on that day, I already have plans" and see what happens. It's time to set your own boundaries. If you want to pay into a group gift, that is fine, but it would also be fine to say that you have bought your own gift. Maybe change up the group dynamic a bit and see what happens. Also, things like asking you to do wrk for them without pay isn't on. That sort of thing you should definitely decline.

It just seems to me that they are treating you a bit like the group "dog" who will happily go along with whatever they say. It would be interesting to see what happens if you start pushing back and saying no to things. Hopefully, they will feel bad and start including you in the planning, if not, at least you know where you stand with them.

“People come into your life for a reason, for a season or for a lifetime.When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.”

I've always liked this saying. It does sum up the friendships which come along in life.

It seems to me that friends made at Uni are "friends for a season". You all had that one thing in common, but now that link has gone. If I were you I'd back off completely from them - they are treating you like an afterthought . Meantime you are still chasing after that elusive "friends forever" scenario.

Back off and concentrate on making friends in the present time instead of clinging on to the past.

I really feel for you OP, I was in that situation many times throughout school, university and early adulthood. As a PP says, shows like Friends gave me a model of group friendship which I guess works for some people, but just never has for me. I've come to realise that I'm just better at socialising one to one and am now happy with a few close friendships. Much less stressful!

Thinking about it, my DH has maintained a really close group friendship with 4 of his uni friends. It's quite cute, they constantly message each other on a WhatsApp group that's existed for about 10 years. When one has got married they've either all been Best Man or one has been Best Man and the others ushers, but no hard feelings over it - I guess men are a bit more relaxed about these things generally. I think something that has helped bind them together for so long is that they all have a hobby in common, which is how they met. They don't get a chance to do it often anymore but I think that that shared interest (and the resulting shared experiences) probably built a stronger foundation than just happening to be at the same uni. After school I think many of the stronger friendship groups are probably centred around shared hobbies.