Always left out in the friendship group

[DeathOnTheNile]

I'm part of a longstanding group of 5 friends from university. One person in the group I'm not particularly close to, the other 3 I consider to be close friends. We often organise things for major life occasions like birthdays and weddings and over the years I've noticed more and more that I'm left out of things and am the last to know even though I always include them in anything I do and make a big fuss over their birthdays and occasions. There are many small examples, like them organising group gifts where I'm not given any input but am then asked to contribute funds once they've already decided, outings that I find out about afterwards, not being added to WhatsApp groups etc.

One of the group is now getting married soon (we're not in the UK) and I've just gotten a message saying 'We've organised a lunch as a last hurrah for the bride on Saturday, would you like to come?' In those words.

I'm torn now about what to do, because yet again it's them organising something and inviting me at the last minute, even though I would've been happy to help organise things and am helping the bride with her hen's party. I feel like such an afterthought and am pretty sure going along will just make me feel even worse.

Should I just opt out of this friendship group altogether? I'm sick of the high school feel of it all and trying so hard to keep up with people who clearly don't feel the same way about me

Do not do any more research for her unless she's paying you.

Are these women your most important friends?

Is there a trustworthy person in the group that you are closer to than the others that you could chat to about it?
Does the alpha in the group not like you and is maybe sidelining you without the others really realising it and that’s why the invites end up being last minute.
It might be the others in the group do like you and want you to be there but haven’t clicked that you are not included on the first round robin message. So they mention it at the end when it becomes clear you haven’t been included.
I think your issue might be with the Queen Bee rather than the whole group.
People can be lazy and if one person is dictating then it’s easier to go along with things without questioning the dynamic.
Speak to a few of the girls in the group privately, their attitude or awkwardness will tell you enough to know whether to give up with these girls and find some new friends.

I have always considered them to be my closest group of friends, my go-to people so to speak. But the more I think about it, and putting it down in writing like this, makes me feel a bit silly for feeling that way considering it doesn't seem to be reciprocated by them.

Op I don't think that you are as high on their list of priorities as they are on yours. And that can be very hurtful.

Don't feel silly about it. I think everyone has been in a situation where things changed for some reason before they really noticed. My guess is that they haven't really given it very much thought. Most people, most of the time, go along to get along so while it probably feels like a big deal and intentional to you, it's probably is neither.

The question for you is, how much do you want to be in the inner circle? To be honest, having chats about it and all that to get back in sounds to me like a situation that I personally wouldn't be comfortable with long term.

There is the option of just doing things like going if you're invited and it suits you and it sounds like something you'd like to do but avoiding being overly involved is there. Just because you're not in the inner circle does not mean that someone dislikes you or whatever. It could be just that, despite your best efforts, time has moved on and people are going in a different direction. If you take it at that level, it could be fine, it could be fun and it could free you up to find the new friendship group that values the efforts you want to make for your friends.

@DeathOnTheNile

The lunch is only with the 5 of us, and it was phrased as 'Me, X, and Y are taking the bride out, do you want to come', so they obviously discussed it and agreed on a time and place that suits them well before asking me.

Could it be that you're more difficult to pin down, or less reliable at showing up for things OP?

It doesn't sound like it from your messages in fairness, but just thinking of my own friendship group.

We are 6 friends from school days and I now tend to plan things with one other girl in the group and just invite the others for that time and place, otherwise we just go back and forth about dates forever or end up planning things around people who often pull out.

Other than that, is there a reason why they may consider themselves closer friends than they are with you? Were they maybe all on the same course or lived in the same house at uni (without you) or something?

To answer some questions:

There's no bad blood with the one person in the group I'm not particularly close to. We just never really hung out on a one on one basis like I did with the others as we don't have much in common, but as far as I know she doesn't dislike me.

The 'alpha' person and I used to be very close and have drifted a bit over the years, but looking back our closeness was very much with me as her sidekick/understudy. She's a very funny and charismatic person and a lot of people want to be friends with her, and some of the group dynamic has involved a low-level unspoken 'competition' about who is closest to her e.g. I gave a speech at her wedding and I know someone else in the group was upset I was asked and not her.

They did give me a lovely birthday gift last year so I'm not claiming they do nothing with me or for me, just that it seems to be an afterthought to include me in things.

I don't think that any of them have a particular issue or problem with me as they still include me in things but it's more that I seem to be the lowest in the group hierarchy sad. I've noticed the 'alpha' person in the group has sometimes made jokes at my expense in front of the others, almost like affectionate teasing but with a bit of a sting. Yet she's happy to seek me out when she's needed my help with things, like very recently she asked me for help with her business and I spent a lot of time doing research for her.

I feel for you OP, seems like you have put a lot of effort into these friendships.

Gently - could it be that maybe this alpha person doesn't like you or is a bit of a bully and has chosen you as the person to single out to strengthen her bonds with the others?

I echo someone above and if it was me I would pick up with one of the friends that you do feel close to and ask why you're never involved in the organising of things or whether anyone has an issue with you because it's making you feel like it.

Someone always has to be Queen Bee due to their personality and, likewise, that means someone has to be at the bottom, as you say. I guess the in-betweeners don't think about it that much. It happens in all walks of life.

@quizqueen, that's exactly the reason I don't get too involved in group friendships anymore because that dynamic causes so much heartache to non Queen Bees. Also some people blindly follow the ones making all the decisions without considering if someone is being left out, probably due to their own insecurities. Much easier to be friends on a one on one basis and dip in and out of group activities if you feel like it but then you probably won't be invited if you don't swarm around the Queen!

I think from your last post these things go in cycles and it's your turn to be at the bottom. It will never be queen bee's.

I'm sure your feeling is not wrong but it won't be happening in any intentional or clearly structured way. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. The main thing is do have have other friends? If you do I'd turn my focus their way more. You can still meet up with this group and wait until it's your turn to be QB's handmaiden again if you want, doing other things) being less emotionally available will make it happen quicker I'm sure, but... Do you want to??

Why don’t you arrange stuff

4 of us studied the same course at university (including me), one person studied a different course at the same university. I moved away for a while but this dynamic existed before I moved and I made sure to always to send gifts and keep in touch when I was away. Moving away probably didn't help things though but I'd like to think I'm a reliable, proactive friend and have shown it over the years. I always reply to messages and make sure to ask how they're doing, which is more than I can say for them!

Group friendships are hard - this reminds me of why I'm generally not such a fan of them. The person who I consider a very close friend in the group and would've spoken to about this hasn't been very reliable recently (adding to my unhappiness with the group) and so I'm not feeling that comfortable to bring it up with her.

I do arrange things - I mentioned earlier that I'm organising an activity for the bride and none of them wanted to be part of it!

There’s some really good advice and points in this thread.

I have a group from university that I was Wendy'd (think that's the MN term) out of, but remained friends with a few of the girls during my course and after we graduated, who I considered very close friends. A few years ago one of them contacted me to say did I want to have a reunion weekend and I said I'd be delighted. I assumed I’d be involved in the planning etc, but quickly realised plans had been made well in advance of her getting in touch, everything was booked and paid for. I was being asked as an after thought to make up costs as someone in the group had dropped out. I was hurt but still considered going, out of nothing more than feeling sentimental for my lost youth!

It sounds to me they see you as an outlier in their clique, and they aren't really friends in the way you’ve thought of them as being. I've felt a lot better about mine once I realised I simply wasn't a priority in their lives. Declining the invitation was transformative for my self respect. It was my Mum who made that decision for me, despite being me being a grown woman as she remembers the tears I was in down the phone at uni about feeling left out or after various social things that happened in my early 20s when we first graduated which I was left out of. On hearing that I was considering going to the reunion, she said “it’s not worth you spending god knows how much money on spending the weekend with people who’ve thought so little of you over the years,” and it really knocked some sense into me.

FWIW I’m of the generation that grew up watching Friends or movies like Four Weddings, and like most went to university thinking that I would make a group of friends for life from day one. Yes that happens, but for the majority it doesn’t and it’s the luck of the draw. I grieved that for many years, but realised that I do have life long friends from my teenage years and other parts of my life, just no “group” and honestly, that’s OK. A friend has a theory that very often it’s the people who go to university feeling insecure and wanting to reinvent themselves that establish these cliquey groups for fear of otherwise being “found out.” Those that go to university with a strong sense of themselves or security in their home town roots tend not to. I think there’s some truth in that looking at my social circle and the relationships they’ve retained from uni.

I'm kind of in a similar situation, but it doesn't bother me that much.

There are 5 of us, and the other 4 are closer and older friends. They often invite me to things, but not always. I know they do things at each other's houses as a foursome. 2 of them I'm close to, 2 I'm not. I don't think the 2 I'm not close to dislike me, I'm just not one of their key friends, whereas I see the other 2 more often and also individually.

I'm not that fussed tbh. I guess you can't always be a "core" person. I get invited about 50% of the time, which is enough for me tbh.

Sorry you are going through this. It happens to the best of us and being on the receiving end of a queen bee group dynamic leaves you confused and can ruin your confidence. From what I've read, the psychology and dynamics of cliques don't really change although people's roles with the group can change. Unfortunately, it sounds like you've moved from the being the sidekick to the target. The queen bee's put downs are consciously or unconsciously designed to keep you in your place and ensure that the others stay in line too or they'll be next. If I were you I'd read up on the psychology behind the roles in cliques and, if you have become the target, decide if you are prepared to stay in the group or not. Whatever you decide, you need strategies to at the very least deal with QB's put downs so that you can move out of being the target/victim. As a previous poster said, declining the invitation could be liberating. I removed myself from a situation like this and only when there was a bit of distance could I see it for what it really was - toxic and damaging. My advice would be to find better friends and ditch this lot. Good luck OP.

Wouldn't a part of you love to Wendy the Wendy though?!

I don't recognise these characters and dynamics in any of my friendship groups though. I have a few groups where I seem to organise things and a couple of others where I go along when others organise it. I do have one very close friend from university and we would tend to do things just the two of us.

It just seems very complicated and unsatisfactory. I'd pull out OP but continue to hang out on a one to one with the people you like. I wouldn't make any big announcement about it - just start doing it and say you're busy for the group meets.

It's so so hurtful - but you might just do a slow fade. Get the wedding in there, but slow fade out of the group. No more gift sending or organizing with the uni group, no more initiating (it becomes too transactional when not authentic and you don't really know where you stand).

Find new people.
This is so hurtful - and the poster above who was shut out of a work friends group - oh gosh THAT is really painful too because you see them every day!!

Sounds hard OP. The people who care the least often hold the most power in relationship dynamics, and this hurts for you because you are invested and it matters to you.

I wouldn't burn any bridges but I would try to care less. Go along to things, enjoy them as they are, but direct your energies elsewhere as well so that your dependency on this group lessens.

Relationships, friends or otherwise, thrive on balance and founder when one wants more. So you have to want less to restore the balance. But I would warn against contriving this as in pretending you are busy etc, just genuinely get on with your life and if there are things that are suggested that you might enjoy just go for it without reading too much into things.

Analysing things too much may make you appear 'hard work' to others, and most people just want an easy, enjoyable life and want to surround themselves with people who enable that rather than with people who may make things awkward.

That's not to say you or anyone else is not justifiably upset in such circumstances, it's just that people want an easy life and not to have to address issues on top of what else they are dealing with in their lives.

The bit about being the alpha's sidekick really resonates with me OP as I have been this in friendships a few times-always there, alway dependable, always the organiser. However I've often been overlooked too. In my experience, people just see the fact that you are 'always there' and don't particularly single you out IYSWIM?
I would say to pull back a bit. Don't do the birthday presents etc and see if they notice. If they don't notice, I know it can be very hurtful, but at least you know where you stand. Also if they're university friends and you had the same dynamic/issue at university (even if you didn't realise it at the time), then they are unlikely to change.
I was always the sidekick to a uni friend and then my circumstances changed and they didn't like it cos it suited them to stay where I was. I hope you find a solution.

It sounds like the other 3 have got closer and Are seeing abs communicating more often with each other than with you. I’ve been in that dynamic and it will be suggested and decided then other group members got the invite. I have experienced this in a toxic group and in a very nice little group. I think it is just the dynamics at the moment of the group. It’s not sitting well with you understandably so I would not burn your bridges and go on that basis. You could also branch out with some other activities with other friends so you are not so reliant on them. It’s sounds like they do still like
You from what you have said x

You need to not be so available. Stop sending gifts.

These people don't really value you. It's painful but true.

Always be pleasant. Sometimes turn up to their arrangements but not always. Just detach a bit.

Find people who really value you, your time, your input, your friendship.

Because you sound like a really lovely friend. And you deserve the same back.