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Relationships

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Original poster

How much slack would you cut your dp/dh

78 replies

Feellikeimsinking · 30/05/2021 11:59

As a family we had some pretty hellish news last weekend. DH is being quite unpleasant and at times aggressive in the way he is communicating with me. Should I call him on his behaviour at the time or just let things slide and just accept it as a byproduct of the upsetting news.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 30/05/2021 12:03

If this behaviour is unusual for him I would cut him some slack.

VimFuego101 · 30/05/2021 12:05

I wouldn't accept being a verbal punchbag, no.

DinosaurDiana · 30/05/2021 12:06

You should call him on his behaviour, but say that you are understanding of why. Aggression is never acceptable. Can he go and stay somewhere ?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/05/2021 12:07

Since it is “hellish” and “upsetting news,” then it can’t help but affect them. I’d be worried they’re a sociopath if such news had zero affect on their emotions.

That said, if they’re being more than snappish, I’d simply give them space to be alone. You don’t need to take verbal abuse. Similarly, they should recognise they are not good company, and take whatever time and space they need to deal with the fallout from the “hellish” “upsetting news”.

Mumoblue · 30/05/2021 12:09

I’d say that I understand that it’s an upsetting time but that’s no reason to take it out on me, personally.

People going through a bad time deserve sympathy but they do not get a special “treat everyone else like shit” pass.

autumnboys · 30/05/2021 12:13

I’d cut slack if the news disproportionately effected him (ie his Mum was ill) although I would take being used as a verbal punchbag.

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 30/05/2021 13:08

Neither of us have slept properly since we got the call last Sunday. My sleep is pretty shocking at the best of times and this has tipped me into unable to function territory. I just don’t have the reserves to be used as a punching bag.

Short of getting him to stay at a hotel there’s nowhere he can stay.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 30/05/2021 13:11

@Feellikeimsinking

Short of getting him to stay at a hotel there’s nowhere he can stay.

Maybe you need to sit down with him and have a frank chat. Be honest about the fact it is a hideous time for you both but you cannot take the way he is acting and treating you. If you can both agree to cut each other a bit of slack but accept that there is a certain level of acceptable/unacceptable behaviour you may find a way forward where you can be mutually supportive.

DinoHat · 30/05/2021 13:14

The fact you’re asking suggests to me that you’ve already cut him a considerable amount of slack, but that you have now reached your tolerance levels.

Now is the time to say “I know you’re upset about x so I’ve been making allowances, but please be mindful of how you’re treating me.”

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 30/05/2021 13:26

@DinoHat

The fact you’re asking suggests to me that you’ve already cut him a considerable amount of slack, but that you have now reached your tolerance levels.

Now is the time to say “I know you’re upset about x so I’ve been making allowances, but please be mindful of how you’re treating me.”

@DinoHat you’ve hit the nail on the head. In fact, I used the exact phrase this morning to him when he was talking to one of the dc, that he needed to be mindful of how he was speaking to them.

I feel I cut him far too much slack a number of years ago when a close family member was seriously ill. The illness was prolonged and as a result I was on the receiving end of far too much crap for far too long.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 30/05/2021 19:50

Being upset about a family issue/member does not give him permission to speak to you or treat you like shit. He should be supporting you, you should be supporting him. If he is unable to do this (and it’s not the first time), how do you see your relationship going forward? Every time there’s a problem, he uses you as his whipping boy?

LawnFever · 30/05/2021 19:52

I would say to him that you accept the news you’ve both had is awful but please don’t take it out in on you/speak to you in the manner he has been.

HollowTalk · 30/05/2021 20:14

So instead of diverting his energies into helping whoever's suffering, he chooses to be nasty to you?

OldWomanSaysThis · 30/05/2021 20:27

I would say something like - "I appreciate you are upset, but it's coming out sideways."

Mamamamasaurus · 30/05/2021 20:29

There's only so much that a person can take. Sit him down and explain that you won't be used as a verbal punching bag any more but he'd be more than welcome yo talk things through with you. It might even 'lift the load' somewhat by getting it all out.

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 30/05/2021 20:43

I’m scared to say or do something which can’t be taken back. I think he lacks emotional insight if I’m being completely honest, he’s in complete denial about the seriousness of the situation. Burying his head in the sand seems to be the method of choice, but the upset and hurt is still there and one way or another it will present itself and “find a way out”

OP posts:

DinoHat · 30/05/2021 20:56

That’s really difficult OP. My DH is like that. He totally lacks empathy and is a bit black and white so struggles to relate to anyone else and how they might be feeling.

I hope you manage to find a way to approach it. You sound really thoughtful.

randomkey123 · 30/05/2021 21:03

Being upset about something doesn't give you the right to make other peoples lives a misery.

You've already noticed the pattern.

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 30/05/2021 22:11

@randomkey123 it’s not really a pattern I want the DC or I to need to deal with in the long term. He’s now throwing bullshit accusations of me being moody now because I dared to speak up about something.
I think given we have all been living in a pressure cooker environment for so long with the pandemic and lockdown I’m more acutely aware of how dysfunctional the marriage has become

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 30/05/2021 22:24

Personally, when we've had really, really tough times DH has been kind, caring and understanding. We had news earlier this year that one of our DDs was really seriously ill and might not make it.

He wasn't an aggressive twat towards me, and I wouldn't have cut him any slack. The kind of news where neither of you has barely slept since suggest something really upsetting.

The very last thing DH would ever do would be to make my life even fucking harder at a time when we were dealing with something life shattering. Seriously. What is the point of someone if they make life shittier for you when it's the last thing you need?

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 30/05/2021 22:59

@MadMadMadamMim

“ The very last thing DH would ever do would be to make my life even fucking harder at a time when we were dealing with something life shattering. Seriously. What is the point of someone if they make life shittier for you when it's the last thing you need?”

I’m starting to wonder it myself but to others I’d look like a heartless bitch if I walked away now. The thing is if I did I would not be walking away over any one incident but the cumulative effect of it all.

OP posts:

Rathmobhaile · 30/05/2021 23:10

My dh received news this weekend of his mum being in the process of dying. So the slack I cut him is not expecting him to help around the house as much as he usually does. He starts jobs and wanders off to something else. His mind can't concentrate on anything. He keeps leaving the door open and letting our dog out on the road. I go and get her as he doesn't notice where she is. Normally this drives me mad. I say nothing. I cut him slack on him sleeping odd hours and wanting to talk about anything and everything into the early hours even though I just want to sleep. I allow him to get annonyed at his sister but don't join in the criticism as that won't help. (I do try and point out she's all over the place too so tolerance would be great). I don't allow slack for him to get angry or irrate with me. Or the kids. Thats not his right.

Rathmobhaile · 31/05/2021 07:37

The reason I posted my message above about my dh and news about his dying mom is to show how someone can be not typical behaved but that doesn't fall into being rude or abusive to others.

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 31/05/2021 12:50

@MadMadMadamMim hope dd is now doing well. My apologies for not mentioning this in my original reply.

@Rathmobhaile so sorry to hear about your mil. 💐 yes, we can definitely be supportive but at the end of the day we still deserve to be treated with respect, your DH has demonstrated that even in the most stressful circumstances it is still possible

Ended up sending dh a text last night, at least then I can say what I need to say, and he immediately called out something that made me the one in the wrong and that I’m treating him disrespectfully. Why does he always pull this shit?

OP posts:

goody2shooz · 31/05/2021 14:23

‘To others I’d look like a heartless bitch if I walked away now’. So what? Their lives aren’t being made miserable, and as you say this is cumulative and not just a whim. Think only of yourself and your children for once. What’s best for you all not - not for him or ‘other people’. He’s certainly not thinking about you.

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