How much slack would you cut your dp/dh

[Feellikeimsinking]

As a family we had some pretty hellish news last weekend. DH is being quite unpleasant and at times aggressive in the way he is communicating with me. Should I call him on his behaviour at the time or just let things slide and just accept it as a byproduct of the upsetting news.

I dont need to cut Dh any slack because he us not an arsehole.
Even though weve been together 30 odd years and had plenty of fall outs and gone through distressing times he has never been unpleasant or nasty to me.

@RantyAnty

How much does he take care of the DC now?

Abusive men almost always say they will go 50/50 or full custody to stop you from leaving.

I genuinely think he’d go for 50:50 in fact he’d try for more if he could get away with it. I know many men who don’t step up and use it as a threat but I don’t think he’s one of them. Perhaps if the youngest wasn’t out of nappies he might be less reluctant but now that stage is over he’d want more than every other weekend.

@notacooldad

I dont need to cut Dh any slack because he us not an arsehole. Even though weve been together 30 odd years and had plenty of fall outs and gone through distressing times he has never been unpleasant or nasty to me.

@notacooldad that’s the way things should be. I was just so grateful that he wasn’t a heavy drinker or smoker when we got together that I overlooked so much I really shouldn’t have. I can’t ever say I regret meeting him as then I wouldn’t have had my wonderful dc. I’m saddened that I won’t have any more children but I know that it’s the right choice to not have any more with him. I’ve doubled up on contraception so short of complete abstinence I’m doing all I can.

Chatting to a friend and she was taken aback that I wasn’t going to “see things through” until the dc left home. I just feel like
I go round and round in circles.
Now that things have started settling down with restrictions he’s back to checking up on me and calling me/texting me when I’m out to check when I’m coming back. He tried stopping me going on a last minute girls weekend by claiming he was ill but only mentioned he was unwell when I said I was invited and wanted to go. The thing is he dresses it all up as concern. Eldest was acting up tonight which just makes things worse, I don’t want them behaving like their father.

Still awake, just feel so bloody deflated. It’s the first time in a long time that I’m starting to feel down about the whole situation

Wait...doubled up on contraception? You're not still sleeping with him surely? Oh op that's horrifying!

Not really sure that friend is the best support. Have you actually told her he is abusing you? Because in that situation most friends would tell you to gtf out of there and never look back! Unless maybe she herself is in an unhealthy place due to past or current abuse. Or, not your friend.

As for that concern bs. You know fine well it's not concern, its controlling. And he will never stop if you stay.

Why does he always pull this shit?

The more you post, despite your denial, it is clear you are in a fairly standard abusive relationship.

@AnyFucker

Why does he always pull this shit?

The more you post, despite your denial, it is clear you are in a fairly standard abusive relationship.

@AnyFucker because so much of his behaviour can be easily explained away the whole situation is a complete mind f*%$.

@Umberellatheweatha not still dtd but as it only takes once I wanted to be particularly careful. It has the added bonus of helping with some pretty unpleasant periods so it’s not just for contraceptive purposes.

so much of his behaviour can be easily explained away

I understand. And when you see it all documented here like this ?

This your life. It doesn’t matter what is “explainable” to others on the outside of the situation. I am sure much of Hitler’s behaviour seemed reasonable to some folk some of the time.

The only amount of abuse acceptable in a relationship is zero

@AnyFucker thank you. Deep down I know you are right, it’s just hard to get my head around. I naively think that perhaps things will change or maybe he doesn’t mean it.

I don’t want the dc growing up thinking this is how they behave in a relationship or this is acceptable treatment to be on the receiving end of. He’s a million times better than my father was growing up(but that’s not saying much) so I suppose I need to make a stand and prevent history repeating itself yet again.

I grew up witnessing my father verbally abusing my mother, belittling her, making her a nervous wreck, I saw how it limited her life

She is still with him. He is still the same. They are in their 70’s now. Few visitors, just their own horrible dynamic played out over and over. I gave up subjecting myself and my own children to it many years ago.

The thing is, your children will judge you harshly for tolerating it. They may “love” him now, but how much of that is really appeasement

They see you do it, so they think it is normal. The day I stopped appeasing my father and woke up to the situation I distanced myself from both of them. Be warned.

Do the children really 'adore' him? Because you say he doesn't meet their emotional needs, he yells at them for nothing, and they are probably scared of him. Do they really adore him? Truly?

@AnyFucker

I grew up witnessing my father verbally abusing my mother, belittling her, making her a nervous wreck, I saw how it limited her life

She is still with him. He is still the same. They are in their 70’s now. Few visitors, just their own horrible dynamic played out over and over. I gave up subjecting myself and my own children to it many years ago.

The thing is, your children will judge you harshly for tolerating it. They may “love” him now, but how much of that is really appeasement

They see you do it, so they think it is normal. The day I stopped appeasing my father and woke up to the situation I distanced myself from both of them. Be warned.

@AnyFucker the way you wrote I could tell that you either had personal or professional experience of abuse. I’m sorry that was your experience growing up and I’m happy you’ve been able to move on and build positive relationships.

Yes, they do love him dearly as the good most definitely outweighs the bad, when he’s not making unnecessary jibes he’s building them up. He supports them in their sporting endeavours and even learned and purchased the equipment for a random activity they were interested in just to share it with them.

It’s scary to think that no matter what I choose to do moving forward, I could still loose them. It’s very much a catch 22

I need to make a stand and prevent history repeating itself yet again

Yes. You do. As AnyFucker has pointed out none of your excuses will wash with them when they're traumatised adults dealing with the fallout.

when he’s not making unnecessary jibes he’s building them up

Well, that's a complete mindfuck for them, isn't it? Never knowing if today daddy likes them or finds them intolerable.

It is also a tactic used by abusers to trigger trauma bonding. It is surreal and disturbing to watch you try and argue that it means he loves them some of the time (in between deliberately abusing them), as if that would somehow make the abuse ok.

You are confusing desperation to be good enough to be treated decently and loved by him all the time with "adoration".

Children are wired to seek acceptance and love from their parents, it's not a reflection on the acceptability of his abuse and that doesn't mean they deserve to be left to be abused.

It is not "simple" for other people to exit abusive situations either. Yet we do. We make the decision to do the right thing and then we start making plans, even if it takes a bit of time.

Other abused people don't leave because they have it easier than you, they leave because they decide it is necessary.

@hatcoatscarfalcohol I don’t think for even a second that people leave because they have it easier than me, I have always thought is because the abuse is worse and warrants it. There’s no drugs, no alcohol, no physical violence. None of the immediate deal breakers, leave the home with only the clothes on your back situation.
Perhaps my threshold is too high to leave but as things stand it’s just incredibly hard to walk away and risk destroying a family over some shitty behaviour. He’s not shouting at them regularly. I don’t many of us could say they’ve never raised their voice at their kids.

It might not be bad all the time, but it isn’t good enough.

Not knowing “which daddy” they will get on any given day is not good enough. It fosters insecurity, an appeasing nature, either timidity or aggression.

Kids need to know you have their back all the time.

OP, why don't you give Women's Aid a ring? They don't exist only to help women in physically abusive situations, they are there to help women like you too. (Additionally, physical violence is actually the abuser's last resort, many men are able to exert huge levels of control without resorting to violence. So one could argue that the non-violent abusers are actually worse, because they're scary enough without violence. Lots of women who leave abusive relationships say that teh physical abuse was much easier to endure and less damaging in the long run than psychological manipulation and emotional or verbal abuse. So don't think your situation is somehow "not as bad" simply because he's not a hitter.)

I think if you could speak with someone outside of your situation, who will understand completely, who will have helped women in your situation before (because you will by no means be the first women to experience this sort of abuse) then they would be able to help you untangle your thoughts and give you advice on things you are worried about, such as custody arrangements. Speaking to them doesn't mean you have to act on anything but I would hope it would give you some more support and help you to form a plan of action, whatever that may end up being.

@Mumoblue

I’d say that I understand that it’s an upsetting time but that’s no reason to take it out on me, personally.

People going through a bad time deserve sympathy but they do not get a special “treat everyone else like shit” pass.

This.

Tell him straight OP.

Also OP, would he be so readily accepting if the roles were reversed? Somehow I doubt it.

I try to stick up for myself but I get accused of being defensive and I’m so tired I can’t even remember exactly what it was even about other than me trying to stick up for myself. The outcome is I’m just left feeling utterly deflated.
I think I might need to go for a walk on Monday and make the call to women’s aid.

Chatted to a friend who has experienced DV and she said DH is using coercive control with me. She sent me a really informative video from overseas which used an excerpt from one of Lundy Bancroft’s talks. For those who are familiar with his work dh is primarily a water torturer with both Mr Sensitive and Mr Right thrown in for good measure.
I had a look at the Refuge website tonight and if I can’t speak to women’s aid on Monday I’ll try using the chat service from refuge.

Dc all in bed. Just had dinner together with the tv on in the background and it’s like trying to get blood out of a stone interacting with him. I know I shouldn’t bother but with all the covid/lockdown restrictions I’m craving adult human contact. The thing is if he tries to interact with me I’m expected to respond immediately to his satisfaction. If I don’t respond appropriately(in his eyes) I’m criticised. Had a lovely evening with the eldest which was fantastic but it’s no substitute for a loving caring respectful relationship.

So I contacted the online chat for refuge hoping to get support and I’m utterly aghast at the fact I was told to talk to him and tell him how his behaviour was affecting my mental health and see if we could both try it another way.

Wtf???