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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much slack would you cut your dp/dh

78 replies

Feellikeimsinking · 30/05/2021 11:59

As a family we had some pretty hellish news last weekend. DH is being quite unpleasant and at times aggressive in the way he is communicating with me. Should I call him on his behaviour at the time or just let things slide and just accept it as a byproduct of the upsetting news.

OP posts:

WinterSunglasses · 31/05/2021 14:32

This has happened before, you said. What that tells me is that he sees you as his inferior, his outlet for stress, and you're not allowed to feel that stress yourself. It's not heartless to walk away from that. It's self preservation.

Strikethrough · 31/05/2021 14:33

Here's my take on this, OP:

Your husband is an abusive jerk. When life is normal (pre-COVID, no family crises in action) you are able to ignore it/tolerate it/sweep it under the rug. Recently you have begun to open your eyes to the reality of the situation.

How right or wrong am I?

PickAChew · 31/05/2021 14:44

I think this is beyond you worrying about being heartless. It sounds like he barely tolerates you all but can't be arsed to keep his mask on for the usual benefits of bring with you. Treating you and your dc with contempt won't fix the turmoil he's in.

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 31/05/2021 15:09

@Strikethrough I’m reluctant to put it into abusive territory but you are spot on that my tolerance for his bull is rapidly diminishing.

@PickAChew it’s a horrid thought to think that the man you fell in love with and have had children with now treats the dc and I with contempt.

Utterly confused by everything at the moment and I’ve got absolutely no idea of my next move. Pondering whether or not to just ignore his jibes, I’ve got no energy to deal with it at the moment.

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 31/05/2021 15:11

There's no excuse for him being nasty to you all.

I can see someone snapping saying leave me alone or something like that but not what he is doing.

He's seems to have forgotten you have feelings too and are also stressed about the ill family member and then having to deal with his nastiness.

Maybe he needs to go to a hotel.

MadMadMadamMim · 31/05/2021 16:01

@Feellikeimsinking She's much better thank you - still not fully recovered, but we're grateful she's on the (long) road to hopefully being well again.

I think if I were you I would be starting to investigate the possibility of divorce, quite frankly. I wouldn't care what outside people thought - you say he shows contempt for you and DC, and frankly it's enough just to decide you don't want to be with someone any longer. You don't need to justify to others why, but actually an unpleasant home atmosphere is certainly more than enough.

It might make you feel more in control/happier to explore what your options are. Start investigating how you would live without him and how this could be arranged. It at least then gives you the choice of whether you do decide to file for divorce and leave.

Good luck. I divorced first DH and it was the best move I ever made, btw.

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 31/05/2021 19:37

I think I will need to consider parting ways as this is not the way I want to live the rest of my life nor is it the environment I want to bring the dc up in.
I’m really concerned about him not meeting the dc’s emotional needs when under his dole care.One of the dc is a sensitive wee soul and I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s screeched “what’s wrong with you”. Doesn’t seem to understand that they are kids and they will make mistakes. Today was getting into trouble for not moving a bowl out of the way when they poured a drink down the sink 😭

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 31/05/2021 21:23

Oh dear, OP. That doesn't sound good. However, if it does come down to you separating it doesn't sound as though he will necessarily want much time looking after his children alone...

And the fact that their father isn't sniping critically at them most or every day is likely to make up for times he's a dickhead when in sole control of them.

I'd recommend exploring your options, if nothing else. It does sound a horrid atmosphere for you and the kids.

Umberellatheweatha · 31/05/2021 22:59

I would cut mo slack whatsoever for 'aggression'. It has no place in any kind of relationship and there is no excuse for it.

But nor would I confront an aggressive person. I'd just get as far away from them as possible.

To paraphrase lundy Bancroft perhaps 'he is not abusive because he is angry: he is angry because he is abusive'.

TeamRick · 31/05/2021 23:07

I would say something but calmly & kindly - in a a sort of I understand you are sad and stressed but there's no need to speak to me like that!
I had a similar situation when DH's dad died, ignored it for a couple of days but then I had to say something!

I didn't go in all guns blazing but just calmly said my bit - he apologised & it didn't happen again!

TeamRick · 31/05/2021 23:08

Oh scrap that - sorry I have no idea how I missed your later posts!

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 01/06/2021 18:52

Just when I thought things were beginning to settle the shit has well and truly hit the fan. He’s now decided that one of the dc needs give up one of their extracurricular activities so they have time to game with him. Wtf. I can’t deal with his shit much longer

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 01/06/2021 18:58

@Feellikeimsinking

Stop dealing with it then. You know he is only going to take and take until you finally snap. Amd then he'll accuse you of being 'crazy/oversensistive' or being the one with issues. And kick you when you are down.

Relationships are supposed to make your life happier and better. What's the point otherwise? Let alone when they actually make your life shit.

hatcoatscarfalcohol · 01/06/2021 19:04

Come on, how can you argue he's not abusing your children? They should have a safe home where they're not always walking on eggshells with their nervous system in a constant state of high alert damaging their immune system.

At least if he's a dickhead to them one weekend a fortnight they have a safe home for the other 12 days where they get to experience safety, calmness, respect, care and consistency. For the first time.

You shouldn't have to be trying to deal with this shit and nor should your children.

I get why you wouldn't want to face up to it, but it's not fair on your kids to keep your head in the sand.

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 01/06/2021 19:19

@hatcoatscarfalcohol he would insist on 50:50 custody so it wouldn’t just be a case of one weekend a fortnight.

OP posts:

Lollyneenah · 01/06/2021 22:00

He wouldn't be able to abuse them 50 percent of the time in that event, where as now he has free rein to abuse them 100 percent of the time.

loveyourself2020 · 01/06/2021 22:12

OP this:
Ended up sending dh a text last night, at least then I can say what I need to say, and he immediately called out something that made me the one in the wrong and that I’m treating him disrespectfully. Why does he always pull this shit?

is what drove me mad in my marriage. I could never say anything without him making it into an argument. Can he not listen to what I have to say and then think and see if this is something he may be able to change so that I am a happier person perhaps. No, everything was turned into "faults", "you always complain about me", "nothing I do is good for you".......unbelievable.

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 01/06/2021 22:33

@loveyourself2020 sorry you were in a dysfunctional/toxic relationship too.

Another poster(not in this thread) talked about death by a thousand cuts and I think that probably describes the situation. No one incident is enough to end a relationship over but the cumulative effect results in a rather depressing picture. The frustrating thing is because it’s me setting boundaries over technology usage I’m the one that’s painted in a negative light and the one who is trying to “ruin their fun”. God, the more I type the more awful I realise things have become.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/06/2021 01:12

@Lollyneenah

He wouldn't be able to abuse them 50 percent of the time in that event, where as now he has free rein to abuse them 100 percent of the time.

This. Can you not see this OP?

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 02/06/2021 09:44

It’s not easy to know what to do as there are so many unknowns. The dc absolutely adore their dad.
I also just can’t imagine not being there to comfort them when they are upset or mediate when he’s behaving like an ass. Many people I have spoken to speak of the immense damage the father causes when the dc are in his sole care and when they return they are more badly affected from their time with him than they ever were when all living as a family unit. Sadly, this is not an isolated example.
If there was physical abuse involved it wouldn’t be a discussion but as things stand, it’s just not clear cut.

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 02/06/2021 10:17

It's entirely clear cut op. If they see their mother will not stand for abuse, they learn not to stand for it either.

Yes they will still see him some of the time but at least they have one safe space to retreat to. And one adult showing them healthy behaviour and boundaries.

No one can protect another person 24/7. You don't protect them when they are in school do you? No. And I'll tell you there is a shit load of horrible things that happen there.

All you can do is teach your kids as best as you can how to be strong, independent people who can see right and wrong for themselves and let them know you are always there for them to talk to.

It is that clear cut.

So dont use kids as an excuse to be a martyr.

Because one day they will grow up and either tell you how proud they are of you for leaving the shitehead...or how guilty they feel that you stayed 'for them'. Which one will it be?

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 02/06/2021 12:23

@Umberellatheweatha I don’t think anyone will say they are proud of me for leaving. I will be blamed for destroying the family and not making the marriage work. I will be portrayed as the over sensitive one who tore apart the family and didn’t want them to be happy as I’m keeping them away from their dad. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he manipulates the older dc into living with him and the in-laws full time. How can that be in their best interests?

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 02/06/2021 13:17

The problem is op that there is more than one toxic person in your life. The second problem is that you are looking to them for approval. You'll never get that approval from toxic people or supporters of toxic people in your life.

You've got to come to a point where you can say 'if people are utter shittheads- sod them! And screw what they think'.

Of course that isn't easy. But you cant stay with an abusive piece of shit because you are worried about what some assholes might say.

As for the older kids 'choosing them', maybe they will. Anything is possible. But in time they will learn from that choice. And provided you keep a room free and let them know they are always welcome, then chances are they will come back to you once they realise what a manipulative prat their dad is for themself.

It's in their best interests to see they have a choice. Because their mum was brave and showed them.

Original poster

Feellikeimsinking · 02/06/2021 13:51

If he has the older dc full time I will not have the funds to rent a property with a room free for them just in case. I’ll be struggling to provide for myself and the youngest dc. It’s not always as simple as it might appear on paper

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 02/06/2021 15:21

How much does he take care of the DC now?

Abusive men almost always say they will go 50/50 or full custody to stop you from leaving.

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