How do you end a relationship with someone who adores you?

[barmybird]

I'm struggling. I have been seeing someone for 18 months. We get on well, he is great with my dd, supportive caring and honest- sounds great! problem is he and I are very different and although to begin with this was part of the attraction now it is driving me mad. I'm frustrated, feeling a little swamped and seriously thinking about ending our relationship. I just don't know how. I know that sounds stupid but I have tried to end it previously and he makes me feel so guilty and awful that I cave in. I know he loves me and that he would never hurt me (unlike my 2 xh) but thats not enough. How do I do this?? I feel awful just thinking about it.

All you can do is be honest. It's not fair to allow the relationship to continue if your heart's not in it.

Just be as gentle as you can. But be clear. You are ending the relationship because it is not working for you.

Just out of interest though, what is it that drives you mad?

I wish my heart was in it, I'm frightened of throwing away something which is really good, but he does frustrate me. Why does he drive me mad? Its a long story but basically he is not work orientated, he works part time in a minimum wage job, whilst I have a good job, my own home etc. I don't mind the fact that he earns less than me, it just frustrates me that we can't do stuff together because he chooses not to work full time. He is not ambitious at all, where as I am.

He also relies on me alot. He doesn't take the lead at all. I end up organising him and my dd, its like having two children. God I sound awful.

It sounds so petty when in other ways he is gorgeous. But these issues keep coming back. I try to ignore them, but back they come which is why I think we should end now. Ijust don't know how I can do that to him.

It doesn't sound awful. He is not what you are looking for. That doesn't make you a bad person.

For example, you could just say that it's been fun, but you have outlooks and priorities in life that are incompatable and best to end things now, while you are still friends, than end up resenting each other.

It sounds so simple, maybe it is and I'm too soft. He is a sweetie and I feel like he has pinned his hopes on us working out. Previously when I have tried to end it he has talked about having nothing to live for. He is quite needy in alot of ways (something else which drives me mad). To be honest if I could just disappear I would. I hate upsetting people but I am not happy. I wish I was but something is missing for me.

But maybe I am expecting too much??

Sounds like someone is going to get hurt one way or the other: either him, because you end a relationship he wants, or you/your DCs because you stay in a relationship you don't want to avoid hurting him. It's kind of a binary decision.... (sorry, not over-simplifying the problem, just spelling out that there are only two potential answers). Not easy, either way.

You are not happy. You are not being fair to yourself OR him to limp along in a relationship that you would rather not be in.

Oh.

And.

"I have nothing to live for...."

Would piss me right off and there goes any sympathy for him. Emotional blackmail.

I really think you need to tell him straight. And not allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your mind.

Good luck with whatever you choose, anyway. xx

I'm not a wimp honestly! although I sound like I am. I do care about hime very much, he is lovely man but if you ask me if I see us growing old together, then no I don't. I just feel awful. I know I need to end it, but I just don't know how. I have tried 3 times already .

I guess I just want to be sure I am doing the right thing. What if I end it and then never find anyone as nice as him? I don't want to live the rest of my life regretting ending a relationship because it got difficult.

I've had to do just that, although I realised earlier and got out earlier, when it was easier. I psyched myself up by thinking of all the irritating things that really got on my nerves (like Hekete said, he really is emotionally blackmailing you). Once the words are out though, it does get easier, even if they take it badly, because then you've done it, and then you're just dealing with the aftermath.
Hope it goes OK for you.

Just read your latest message. You do not have to settle for him, just because he's nice! If you've tried to end it three times already, then he obviously isn't right for you.
There are other nice men in the world, honest.

How would you feel about him if he got off his arse and did some decent work, earned more money etc. That's something that could be addressed isn't it? Could you put it to him along those lines?
perhaps though it's just got to the stage where he annoys you and you've got little or no respect for him. if that' the case you just have to end it.

You're not a wimp, just caring towards your partner, which is lovely. Life's too short not to be happy, and if you've got doubts now, you're probably not going to become more attracted to him as the years go on. It's hard tho because you do get on and it seems you're worried about risking not finding mr Right when this one is "mr OK".... Not sure I can say anything you don't know already. ie you need to split from this guy. But you know what, if that turns out not to be the right thing for both of you (for the right reasons) then you'll end up back together anyway. Tough times for you barmybird. I hope you work it out.

Are there? I know I sound negative but honestly I just want someone nice in my life, someone who loves me and dd, someone who is a partner in life, not another dependent.

I have said the words before but it was the aftermath which wore me down and I gave in.

He knows something is wrong I have been snappy all weekend. I think he is ignoring it as he doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I just feel so awful hurting him

I can quite understand that, you want to be with a supportive adult and so you deserve to be.
It's never easy to tell someone to go, but you'll feel better for it.

Mrs S I have tried helping him on the job side of things, I have written his cv's, helped him with job applications etc but the bottom line is he doesn't want to work full time, he likes his days off! And he tells me I don't understand what its like not to have a profession to fall back on. Maybe I don't understand the ins and outs of the benefit system but I don't really want to. I work really hard for what I have with my dd. I'm proud to be independent, which makes his dependence even harder.

I should add that both he and I started out on rough council estates with not a lot of money. I know where he comes from, I just can't understand why he doesn't seem to think he deserves better.

barmybird, now that would drive me mad. Sounds like you have done all you can.
Believe me there are others out there and proper grown-ups too!

You don't think I'm being unreasonable then? a girl at work tried to tell me that no relationship was perfect and that I just needed to work at this.

That's true no relationship is perfect.

However, if you are not happy with certain aspects of the realtionship and the other person involved is not prepared to try and change this then of course you have every 'right' to ask them to leave.

I think you need to ask yourself whether you would rather be on your own or with him as he is, knowing that he will not change.
I think you have already answered that question though.

He makes the noises about changing, but when it comes down to it he always seems to find some excuse or other. But I'm lonely, I enjoy his company and my dd loves him. Sometimes I feel like I love him, but other times he irritates the hell out of me. And if I look long term a future with him means me working extremely hard to pay for the extra's for all of us and I resent that. I guess the bottom line is I want a partner not a dependent however lovely that dependent is.

To be honest, I feel that a relationship shouldn't be perfect and that you should work hard at it. However, the first two years of a relationship are the honeymoon period, aren't they? If he's getting on your nerves this early in the game then that really doesn't bode well for the future.

He's not that "lovely' a partner if he's basically a dependent. I have had a few partners like this, and several of them I get on rather well with now that we are not in a couple, because I can enjoy their company now and again without feeling like I have to take responsibility for them. And, actually, having someone 'adore' you when you don;t feel the same way about them is something that gradually becomes more and more of a burden to bear, particularly if you have to look after that person because he/she is needy and clingy. You'll end up getting more and more bitchy and naggy with him, not liking yourself much for it and not making anyone happy.
Tell him it';s not working out and you wish him well, and stick to it. Best of luck. It will feel like a great wieght lifting once he's gone.

Look at it this way. If he cared enough about you, he'd listen to what you were saying and he'd see that in order to be with you, he needed to make some changes.

He is not prepared to make changes that are important to you - and he doesn't have to - but the fact that he doesn't want to, knowing how much it matters to you, means that he doesn't value you enough.

Does that perspective make it easier to deal with him?

Barmybird I had to do this earlier this year. Admitedly we had been together a much shorter time but in that time I had managed to get pregnant! I did a lot of soul searching but in the end I couldn't escape the conclusion that he just wasn't for me and no amount of trying was going to make it better. Like your man, the guy I as seeing was a kind and loyal person and I really didn't want to hurt him but at the end of the day I could only see the hurt getting worse, particularly with a child involved.
He was very very keen for us to stay together and did try a bit of emotional blackmail but I had spent the time before I talked to him making very sure I had a clear and unequivocal message and just stuck to that like a broken record.
Just remember that men are often not great at listening so they need to be told in very clear terms with no room for hearing something different from what you're saying.
In my case the message was "I'd like you to be part of this baby's life but not as my partner. I have chosen to continue with this pregnancy, now you have a choice as to whether you want to have a role as the baby's father. But [repeat!] that will not be as my partner."
In the event he has chosen NOT to play a role, which has surprised me as I thought he would given that he is basically a nice guy - but that's another story!
Be strong and you'll get through this.

i feel so stupid sat here crying at this thread!! it's touched a bit of a nerve cos a month or so ago i was in the same situation as your dp. all i can say is make it 100% clear you won't be getting back together with him and give him proper reasons. none of this wishy washy i don't think this is working. he's going to need to know why it isn't working. he's also probably going to tell you how it can be fixed so the reasons you give need to be proper reasons iyswim and not just excuses which is what i got a lot of.

Trust your gut feeling - if you know it's not right, it's not right. The sooner you deal with it the better. If it helps - remind yourself that he also deserves to be in a relationship where the love is on a more equal footing and the only way he can do that is for you to let him go. Good luck.

Oh god! nappyaddict I am so sorry. I too have been the one on the receiving end of this and it is horrible. It broke my heart and I don't think I have ever recovered, another reason why I am avoiding this conversation.

I do intend to have a talk with him. It sounds so petty but I need to see a future where he is going to be an equal, where we can move forward onto better things. Sadly however I look at this relationship all I see is me working extremely hard and taking responsibility for me, my dd, him and his own child. His promises to change just don't materialise and I feel like I am nagging him to get him to do something which really deep down he has no interest in.