How do you end a relationship with someone who adores you?

[barmybird]

I'm struggling. I have been seeing someone for 18 months. We get on well, he is great with my dd, supportive caring and honest- sounds great! problem is he and I are very different and although to begin with this was part of the attraction now it is driving me mad. I'm frustrated, feeling a little swamped and seriously thinking about ending our relationship. I just don't know how. I know that sounds stupid but I have tried to end it previously and he makes me feel so guilty and awful that I cave in. I know he loves me and that he would never hurt me (unlike my 2 xh) but thats not enough. How do I do this?? I feel awful just thinking about it.

Classic passive aggressive, your other half. Sorry. He is so 'sweet' and all that etc etc but Oh boy, if you try to end it, he will be hurt with a capital H, and let you know about it - your fault that his life will come to an end, of course. He knows this will make it hard for you to leave him, and let him look like a saint while you look mean as mean can be.

Emotional blackmail but also basing his entire life on you - no blooming thankyou, honestly I would be running a fricking mile in your shoes as well!!!!!

You have every right to end it, just do so SO sweetly and sorrily (is that a word) and cry yourself, that will throw him a mile.

BE NICE and still be v e r y firm about it.

He is relying on you feeling shitty and getting very frustrated so that you end up exploding at him then he an be cross with you.

Did his mother reject him? I imagine so. He is looking for someone to do the same so he can work through hs anger...don't give him the satisfaction, be incredibly nice and no reason for him to hate you.

If he really loved you and wanted to be with you he would get off his arse and get a proper job surely!

Does he have very low self-esteem? Ie frightened of failing if he is outside his comfort zone?

God Columbia and CD! spot on. His whole family have one by one rejected him and he really does seem to think he deserves little in life. I guess that is why I have tried to help him get better jobs etc(that and my own need for someone who earns a little more money!) He is capable of so much. I'm a classic motherer, I like to look after people (I'm a nurse!) and I guess he gets something out of that. Had never thought of that. Scary.

BB he's a parasite. that's why other people have rejected him. Get clear now and don't worry about him, he will find another mug he can whine to about how uncaring everyone else is.

If you don't want to be with him you need to be honest, it isn't fair to either of you, or your DD.
FWIW, when I split with exdp, I had a couple of 'boyfriends' that were really great guys, they just weren't for me, I still speak to one of them now, I am in a great relationship as is he, sometimes people just aren't meant to be together and being 'nice' is not enough of a reason to be with someone.
Not everyone has the 'get up and go' you wish he had, and not everyone has any kind of life plan or goals, it is unfair to try and make him be someone he is not to fit in with your ideals iyswim.
Good luck.

So what do I say? I need to be clear without being cruel.

Reasons for ending it now- I want someone who has some ambition. Someone who is a partner, not a dependent. I just don't feel as strongly about him as he does about me. I feel suffocated.

How do I make that sound ok? I don't want to totally crush him, but I need to give real reasons

Just explain to him that you want a life partner not a boyfriend and you feel that whoever that person will be will need to share your dreams and goals, you think it's better to end it now rather than keep on going on forever until you end up hating each other.
If he tries to put a guilt trip on you then tell him that you won't change your mind, he is a great guy and you hope he will be happy, but you just aren't suited.
Be firm, but try not to resort to a slanging match, thoguh I appreciate it may be hard if he refuses to listen.

This is what I have tried previously but he just bombards me with texts and then turns up at the door. As I say I have given in before so he is not going to let this go lightly.

Hmm tough one...the key is just to be very innocent and apologetic BUT extremely unshakeable!!

'I'm so sorry .... I have been unhappy for a while, I think you might have noticed? No? Oh Ok. I'll try to explain.
I really do appreciate everything you have tried to do for us, honestly I do, and you're a lovely guy but I just don't feel happy at the moment. When we began seeing each other, I thought I wanted someone as nice and attentive as you are - you're every girl's dream, really - but lately I started to realise that I have so much to do, so many things on my mind, and I really find it hard to keep up with a relationship where I'm being given so much, it's hard to put in as much effort as I feel you deserve, and so I think we ought to stop.
I'm sorry, I've been trying to figure out why I've been so unhappy, but could never put my finger on it. I know you'll feel upset but it isn't your fault, and I know that if we continue it's going to get harder as I just haven't the energy to have a man around as well as working and my daughter, so pleasse don't make this hard for me.
I need to be by myself.'

Assume he has understood and don't enter into any arguments, least of all criticise him - he doesn't deserve the chance to say he'll 'change'

HTH

can you tell I've been there myself

Oh and try very hard to believe he is every girl's dream and will find another sucker princess just around the corner.

If he keeps texting etc. ignore them and when he demands to know why, tell him you lost your phone and have changed your number - or do change it, contact the nuisane calls dept at your supplier. I did this once and they changed it free

It is called stalking btw...police next step.

bb, I find people like this very difficult too. The truth is they end up with people like you because you are compassionate and capable and you do look after them and you do cave in to emotional blackmail - and so the dependency thing works for them (have been there!). I don't mean that nastily - he probably can't help it - but this is not sweet behaviour, it is controlling behaviour and if you're not happy, you don't have to be with him, full stop.

I would address those things directly. Be honest - "You are very sweet to me and we have had some good times but you behave like a child who needs a parent and that is not right for me." "When I have tried to say what I want you have used emotional blackmail on me and that is not fair and I don't like it." "I would like to stop this relationship now because I really don't feel comfortable with the way you depend on me." If it would help, could could tell him you would like to separate for a while to have some space - you might know that means forever but it might make it easier to get through the initial process.

If you ditch somebody who loves you, you hurt them - fact. But people do it every day. How many of us here have been dumped and licked our wounds and picked ourselves up and recovered? Guilt and emotional blackmail cannot ever be reasons to stay with someone - in fact I think they're strong signs that it's not an ideal relationship.

sorry not clear, you have to try and believe it in order to sound convincing, is wht I meant...

Snowy is right - if you feel brave, be honest! You do need clarity and detachment first so you feel assertive though. Hoping you have that by now, lol...all of us telling you what a prat he is...

I think once you have said your piece there is nothing more to do than stand strong. Tell him when you end it that you will not be answering his calls or texts, because you have made your decision and are sticking to it.

and definitely don't get into a discussion or argument. Broken record technique is needed here. Otherwise cue random phine calls for weeks after alternating between lovey dovey and furious with you.
'..but I loved you!..'

yes, mm, well goodbye

Thanks all. I really appreciate all your help and advice. You are telling me what deep down I know, I just need to be brave and go for it. I just know the fall out that will come with it . But things aren't right and I do want out. Will let you know how I get on.

yes, please do and best of luck to you

What is it about him that makes you feel suffocated? I think you need to be able to tell him why you feel like this.

Does he live with you?

There doesn't have to be a lot of fall out. Once you are free in your head, you might find there is surprisingly little...I found this with ex, the more confident I sounded that I was really ending it, the less he bothered to argue. Make sure you have a plan for giving his stuff back, sorting out joint things etc. first or he'll use it as an excuse to get in touch. Also work out if you ever want to see him again at all and be clear in your mind about this.
He cannot force you to talk to him, whether he decides to threaten sucide etc or not, he is not your problem and once he knows you won't take any sh*t he will hopefully leave you alone

Good luck though and yes, please let us know if you run into problems etc or we can help more. I know how much harder it is in practice than in theory. You are free though, just try to keep that in mind - he can't force you to be around him or speak to him if he is being maudlin.

organise things beforehand so that you can have minimal contact once the deed is done. don't accept any contact afterwards, and ignore suicide threats. that's sheer manipulation and you cannot continue in this relationship any longer.

he's extremely manipulative and he has a lot to lose, much more than you do, so he's going to fight. best that you make it clear you won't enter any discussion about it. the sooner he realises, the sooner he'll move on.

He's avoiding me [hmm)

he's avoiding you after you broke up with him? if so, excellent! if not, then he knows you are going to do it and doesn't want to give you the chance.

maybe he's been spying on mn!

quickly, kindly, honestly, cleanly and with respect.
and definitely in person.