Utterly sick of being less important than my husband

[Drawingablank]

Just needing a huge vent - and maybe some advice if anyone has some for me.
I consistently feel like my husband puts himself first at every critical moment. We got married in his country because he “just thought it made sense”, and in the setting he wanted. I didn’t want to move to the countryside but he complained several times a day every day for three years about where we were so I caved. I didn’t want to move during my maternity leave for fear of feeling isolated during a time when one’s life changes so drastically, but here we are.

And it’s not like I’m a partner with less of a stake/power in the relationship in the traditional sense (not that I think it should matter!). I’m more senior in my job, and have got through mat leave entirely on my savings and without any financial input from him.

I feel like I constantly lose out because he complains more and does less than I do. And I have to suck it up and make it work. Is this how the stereotype of the chilled man and highly strung wife comes about? Through getting sick of being a second rate citizen the whole time!

Why do you capitulate to his wants? What would have happened if you had said no, you don’t want to leave the city; no, you don’t want to get married abroad?

Do you worry that if you assert yourself, he’ll leave? Why is it your job to “make it work”?

You've set a pattern that he nags and grumbles until he gets his way. Each time you give in it reinforces that pattern.

You need to tell him calmly that you do not wish to stay living where you do. Explain that you have given it a go for his sake but it is making you extremely unhappy.
Explain you will stay out for 12 months and that is it. After then you will be relocating with or without him. Of course you have to mean it otherwise he will continue to do exactly as he pleases.

Ug yes I’m sure it is my fault. I know that I’m “too nice”. But isn’t it weird to have to stand your ground in a relationship instead of both people just trying to make each other happy?

What about what you want? Why does that not matter?

Stop making it work for him. Make it work for you. Or better still, leave him. If he didn't want to please you on your wedding day, there wasn't much hope from the start.

@Drawingablank

Ug yes I’m sure it is my fault. I know that I’m “too nice”. But isn’t it weird to have to stand your ground in a relationship instead of both people just trying to make each other happy?

Yes. When does he make YOU happy and compromise?

isn’t it weird to have to stand your ground in a relationship instead of both people just trying to make each other happy?
Well you'd hope there would be a balance. And that it was not one person doing all the making their partner happy. The time to work that out is in the early days though.

@Drawingablank you have put into words what I feel, but have never been able to explain.

I remember that shit. He got the house he wanted, he made us move up north so he could quit his job and start his own business, he wanted a dog... I ended up in a house I never wanted, working from home rather than in the office I loved, getting up at 5am to walk a puppy I never wanted whilst H had a lovely relaxing day doing nothing but the school run. I’m a senior manager at work and not at all shy and retiring but I loved my H and wanted to make him happy.... shame he didn’t feel the same about me.

When we got divorced he angrily told me I’d got everything I wanted... a dog, house, kid... He was deluded!

I’m much happier without him. I kept the dog and the kid, sold the house and bought a little cottage (100% nothing like new build house the ex H had chosen. H now lives in a smaller new build house!)

@Drawingablank

Ug yes I’m sure it is my fault. I know that I’m “too nice”. But isn’t it weird to have to stand your ground in a relationship instead of both people just trying to make each other happy?

Yes. Which is why you should leave him. But if you're not going to, you need to either stand your ground or do what he wants. And I assume he picked you because you're nice. I think he'd have broken up with me the first week.

@Drawingablank

Ug yes I’m sure it is my fault. I know that I’m “too nice”. But isn’t it weird to have to stand your ground in a relationship instead of both people just trying to make each other happy?

Yes it's weird and not a good sign.

That's said, as pp's have noted by giving in to his whinging you've taught him this is how he gets what he wants.

There's no way I'd have let DH whine at me about the same thing day after day as a means to make be capitulate (not that he ever would).

Frankly your H sounds quite unpleasant and controlling.

I wouldn't spend the rest of my life in this sort of dynamic and I'd change the narrative by either leaving him or making it clear I would leave if he doesn't stop being a self entitled whinging prick (and mean it),

I just wanted to offer solidarity OP. I am also on my maternity leave in my husband's country feeling a bit stranded and isolated on mat leave. The circumstances of this year certainly haven't helped matters!

The part where you said he 'puts himself first at critical moments' resonated. I think women are more likely to put others first or think about the good of the whole family, whereas I don't think men do this. Obviously I know this is a massive generalisation, but it is a pattern I have noticed among couples I know. When I have spoken to DH about it he has simply said 'well, why would you do something you didn't want to do?'

Mat leave has given me a massive kick up the arse to be more assertive. We are moving back to my country (clue is in the name!) and I am working on feeling less guilty for asking him to compromise for a change.

I wouldnt describe him as chilled out, op. His manipulation of you to get what he wanted was insidious. One complain every single until you were worn down.

And then there is this. have got through mat leave entirely on my savings and without any financial input from him
Why has he not contributed?

He doesn't sound at all nice, op. Do not step back in your career for this man.

Is he pulling his weight with parenting?

My DH would not try to completely overrule me like that but he has definitely taught me to stand my ground more.
From his perspective he pushes for what he wants and expects me to do the same.
Whoever feels more strongly "wins".
We both compromised on where we live, me a bit more, but then he has done more compromising around the decor in the house so it's swings and roundabouts for us.
I'd never let a sentence like "it just makes more sense" pass without strong and detailed questioning though so it works for me.
It is sad and unfair but unfortunately often reality that stronger willed people get their way more often and the more placid/timid/sensitive among us get talked into things we wouldn't choose for ourselves.
Maybe it's time for you to claim often and loudly for a move to where you want to live?

@Wheredoesagoannago ha, are we married to the same person? We’ve had countless arguments about “people should only do what they want to do” when I’ve asked him to do something (you know, like say hi to my parents on Skype sometime in the first 5 years of our relationship). Part of me thinks it’s the most outrageously bratty thing I’ve heard in my whole life, and part of me envies living that way as it does mean you simply always get your own way!

What do you even need him for?

Wow he really sounds horrible and rather unkind. Surely when a couple gets married they care and cherish their partner and want them to be happy? If he single mindedly pursues his desires to the detriment of yours you will just be a bit player in your own life.

You need to care about your own wants and push back a bit. I also would query why you are paying for so much when on maternity leave. I really hope you are going back to work.

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

Why did you agree to all these things you say you didn't want to do? Moving house is a pretty big deal if you weren't OK with it.

[quote Drawingablank]@Wheredoesagoannago ha, are we married to the same person? We’ve had countless arguments about “people should only do what they want to do” when I’ve asked him to do something (you know, like say hi to my parents on Skype sometime in the first 5 years of our relationship). Part of me thinks it’s the most outrageously bratty thing I’ve heard in my whole life, and part of me envies living that way as it does mean you simply always get your own way![/quote]
Good grief. He didn't once say hi to your parents in five years? He actively refused to do so? And he thinks he should only do things that he wants to do?

Why are you with him? Is there anything positive about this man?

My dh does this.

I have to be absolutely clear when I disagree. If I say we’ll see or I’ll think about it then he will take it as a yes.
Last year we had 2 nights away in the summer, I would like to go away again and today he has said we will go to the same place.
It took me 2 hours firmly saying I wanted to travel elsewhere before he accepted this.
His favourite phrase when he does something I don’t want is ‘I assumed blah blah blah.’

You cannot show weakness.
Say no and mean no.

My partner and I try to make each other happy. I do not recognise this standing up for myself some talk about.

Sounds like you are a bit of a people pleaser (I would know...I am one myself). Maybe you need to take a bit of time to understand why you are not putting your own needs forward.

No advice just here to say I'm feeling exactly the same atm. He's been used to getting his own way since being a child (his parents have admitted this to me) and now he struggles in adulthood not to get 100% his own way in life, we argue a lot because of this trait he has.