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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Utterly sick of being less important than my husband

82 replies

Drawingablank · 29/05/2021 16:23

Just needing a huge vent - and maybe some advice if anyone has some for me.
I consistently feel like my husband puts himself first at every critical moment. We got married in his country because he “just thought it made sense”, and in the setting he wanted. I didn’t want to move to the countryside but he complained several times a day every day for three years about where we were so I caved. I didn’t want to move during my maternity leave for fear of feeling isolated during a time when one’s life changes so drastically, but here we are.

And it’s not like I’m a partner with less of a stake/power in the relationship in the traditional sense (not that I think it should matter!). I’m more senior in my job, and have got through mat leave entirely on my savings and without any financial input from him.

I feel like I constantly lose out because he complains more and does less than I do. And I have to suck it up and make it work. Is this how the stereotype of the chilled man and highly strung wife comes about? Through getting sick of being a second rate citizen the whole time!

OP posts:

Horehound · 30/05/2021 11:53

Do you love him? If not, why stay?
I couldn't be. With someone who didn't value or take my opinion into account

Do you get the child benefit into your account? Did you get a maternity package btw?

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2021 11:58

Take a rental somewhere you want to live. Book movers, and move. Tell him once they are booked. Say you’re doing what you want to do, just as he’s always said. Are you coming with us? Ok then.

MiddlesexGirl · 30/05/2021 12:01

@Wallywobbles

On a rectangular table with 5 people at your house who sits at the head? At ours it is me because I mind (and I'm the head of the family 😏).

I'd just started typing a reply to OP empathising etc and then I saw the above. Even though it's something that's irked me for years reading that post was like an epiphany. It's not even like I want to sit there. I just don't want him to sit there in the smug assumption that it is his rightful place.

QioiioiioQ · 30/05/2021 12:14

Problem is you cannot negotiate with someone who refuses to negotiate, if it's their way or no way you have two choices:
1- obey them
2- refuse and get locked into a stalemate/standoff situation, even if you win the standoff they will try to beat you in the next round.
It seems to me that many men have this kind of mindset, it seems to me that in the past relationships only 'worked' because by and large men had the economic power and women had to back down.
Now that women have more economic power they can refuse to obey men, this means that relationships do not work because men will not co-operate and compromise, they have to be the boss or nothing.
So we have lots of accomplished clever women and lots of disgruntled uncooperative 'spare' men waging war on the women trying to drag us back down so that they can dominate and oppress.

mummymeister · 30/05/2021 12:21

He does this for one simple reason: because he can. No matter what he says or does, you allow him to have his way. every single time. until you are prepared to sit down and say "no, I dont want to do that" this is what he will keep on doing. it wont get better on its own and why should it, he has everything he wants every time and all the time. You need to make a decision to stop enabling his behaviour. of course he can have his way on some decisions, its a partnership. but not every time and not over huge major issues that affect you both as a couple.

Notworking123 · 30/05/2021 16:56

Why did he not financially contribute to maternity leave? You've had to use up savings... Why? Isn't it his child too that you took time off work to care for?

Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 17:08

* Is this how the stereotype of the chilled man and highly strung wife comes about? Through getting sick of being a second rate citizen the whole time!*

But you complain he constantly complains? Doesn’t sound chilled to me.

You both sound fundamentally unhappy and dissatisfied

Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 17:08

Oh and incompatible

Crikeyalmighty · 30/05/2021 17:16

I read once the secret in relationships is to both be in a relationship with someone who would always put you first— the problem is a lot of women in particular are in relationships where they put their partner first but he doesn’t return the honour

2bazookas · 30/05/2021 17:41

If there are cultural different outlooks on marriage (from different countries) then why did you BOTH not anticipate this? Why have you just kept rolling over ?

Harrison234 · 30/05/2021 18:02

You do realise that most relationships only survive because women are the glue that holds them together?

QioiioiioQ · 30/05/2021 18:09

@Harrison234

You do realise that most relationships only survive because women are the glue that holds them together?

I am realising this now! who wants to be 'glue' though? I want to live my life, fulfil my potential etc, not subsume myself to the desires of others

Wearywithteens · 30/05/2021 18:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Purplewithred · 30/05/2021 18:20

Here’s how I explain my first marriage:

I came from a family where everyone always chose the smallest slice of the cake. Every so often you got the biggest slice, because everyone wanted you to have it. DH came from a family where you only got any cake if you grabbed the whole thing. So in our marriage I constantly chose the smallest slice, hoping one day he’d make sure I got the biggest slice. But he just grabbed the whole thing.

We are now divorced.

QioiioiioQ · 30/05/2021 18:23

More fool them
true, but without relationships held together by women would we have too many disgruntled unpartnered men taking out their rage on society as a whole, or would men shape up and be better?
Is it the case that society only functions at all because women can be maneuvered into absorbing the problems caused by men?

QioiioiioQ · 30/05/2021 18:25

I constantly chose the smallest slice, hoping one day he’d make sure I got the biggest slice
version of prisoners dilemma, to cheat or co-operate....?

LannieDuck · 30/05/2021 18:38

Why did you fund your maternity leave entirely yourself, including going into your savings? Did he go into his savings too?

SarahDarah · 30/05/2021 19:50

@ChubbyLittleManInACampervan

Why did you have to live on your savings in May leave?!

That is not a partnership!

I don't get this either. Unless the baby isn't his??

HeadFullofRandom · 30/05/2021 20:15

@LannieDuck

Why did you fund your maternity leave entirely yourself, including going into your savings? Did he go into his savings too?

Have a feeling because OP feels everything is "ours" and her H thinks of everything as "his" or "hers" - child related expenses come under "hers".

It doesn't sound like a relationship where you will ultimately be content and cared for in the way you want to be and want to care for him.

tenlittlecygnets · 30/05/2021 21:21

Totally agree with @MiniTheMinx

SarahDarah · 30/05/2021 22:14

@HeadFullofRandom but that still wouldn't make sense because the baby equally belongs to both of them. I can't stand men who think anything baby finance related comes under the mum.

HeadFullofRandom · 30/05/2021 22:23

Yes I can't stand that type either, I just get the feeling that's how he views things.

When I say "his and hers" I really mean that it seems like all the money/fun stuff is "his" and all the expenses, hard work and compromise is "hers" in his eyes.

Know so many women who bear the costs of children out of their own pocket (or "allowance" in some cases) rather than as a shared family expense and the fathers clearly resentful about handing out any money at all. It's all very 50's and really pretty upsetting.

PermanentTemporary · 30/05/2021 22:24

I totally understand how you can get into relationships that end up as wrong as this but this is really wrong.

Unless I've misunderstood your finances completely - why the FUCK was it your job to fund childcare solo for the entire first year?

Why does he treat your parents as if they are unimportant?

Why is he such a whiny arse about where you live?

And most importantly, why did you ever think he loved you?

HeadFullofRandom · 30/05/2021 22:30

@PermanentTemporary

I totally understand how you can get into relationships that end up as wrong as this but this is really wrong.

Unless I've misunderstood your finances completely - why the FUCK was it your job to fund childcare solo for the entire first year?

Why does he treat your parents as if they are unimportant?

Why is he such a whiny arse about where you live?

And most importantly, why did you ever think he loved you?

That last bit was a pretty unfair and uncalled for IMO, we all know they don't start out with the behaviour they end up displaying because they wouldn't get far.

We know that lovebombing is a thing, we know that abusers are adept at convincing behaviours that draw you in and leave you thinking they are they loveliest person.

No one would be with an abuser if they were abusive straight away. I'm sure OPs H did everything he could to convince her he loved her. I just find that a little victim blamey.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/05/2021 22:46

@PermanentTemporary that last bit was a nasty thing to say and possibly not the case at all— many men who do actually love their wives judging by posts on here, still act like twats because somehow in their heads they still come first— but that doesn’t mean that they don’t love their wives a lot at various points

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