Utterly sick of being less important than my husband

[Drawingablank]

Just needing a huge vent - and maybe some advice if anyone has some for me.
I consistently feel like my husband puts himself first at every critical moment. We got married in his country because he “just thought it made sense”, and in the setting he wanted. I didn’t want to move to the countryside but he complained several times a day every day for three years about where we were so I caved. I didn’t want to move during my maternity leave for fear of feeling isolated during a time when one’s life changes so drastically, but here we are.

And it’s not like I’m a partner with less of a stake/power in the relationship in the traditional sense (not that I think it should matter!). I’m more senior in my job, and have got through mat leave entirely on my savings and without any financial input from him.

I feel like I constantly lose out because he complains more and does less than I do. And I have to suck it up and make it work. Is this how the stereotype of the chilled man and highly strung wife comes about? Through getting sick of being a second rate citizen the whole time!

I find this thread really interesting. My exH came from a home where his dad was the most important and his mum ran around serving everyone. I came from a home where both parents worked and decisions were consultative. In trying to model our own marriage, I became the consultative one, trying to make everything democratic. But exH would play the ‘we are a team’ card to get his way, while I yielded too much power trying to be fair and seek consensus. It meant I’d budge 90% and he’d budge 10%. Now we are getting a divorce, my solicitor has to regularly remind me that he is too narcissistic to be fair. He won’t even respond to legal papers! When he doesn’t want to do something, he simply won’t. He ignores what other people want. This selfishness is extremely manipulative, and is designed to grind the other person down.

Just to add to my message, I really like the ‘big slice of cake’ analogy. I have so many excruciating memories of exH behaving incredibly badly to other people - eating all the fillet steak at a barbecue, being boorish at dinner parties (as a guest), showing up late to organised events, Being supercilious to waiters ... classic ‘big slice of cake’ vibe in every way.

Sorry. Not my intention at all to blame. I meant, what has he done that is loving and made this relationship feel right?

And I have to suck it up and make it work.

You don’t but you you have chosen to.

Every time you cave/ let his complaining wear you down is you letting him know that a) his wants take priority and b) his way of getting his own way works. Should it be this way, no but it is the way of your relationship because you chose to hitch your wagon to Mr Me, Myself and I.

The balls in your court but given that your history together is him getting his own way, prepare for a battle because he’s not going to relinquish the power imbalance that you’ve afforded him so far.

As for only do what you want to do.
Does he expect your child to do this too?
Think about that.
Or you op.
I'd let him deal with your child when they refuse to do something he or you ask after all people should only do what they want to do.

No one would be with an abuser if they were abusive straight away. I'm sure OPs H did everything he could to convince her he loved her. I just find that a little victim blamey.

Maybe not but given the OP’s self confessed ‘People Pleasing’ tendencies, he probably always acted as the most important person in the room but she chose to play along because she thought that somehow this would net future rewards.

You’re right, no one deliberately hitches their wagon to an abuser but too many of us don’t realise that the self absorbed behaviours don’t miraculously disappear in the future, they solidify.

@AgentJohnson

No one would be with an abuser if they were abusive straight away. I'm sure OPs H did everything he could to convince her he loved her. I just find that a little victim blamey.

Maybe not but given the OP’s self confessed ‘People Pleasing’ tendencies, he probably always acted as the most important person in the room but she chose to play along because she thought that somehow this would net future rewards.

You’re right, no one deliberately hitches their wagon to an abuser but too many of us don’t realise that the self absorbed behaviours don’t miraculously disappear in the future, they solidify.

Fair enough PermanentTemporary I understand what you mean now.

Yes I agree with this too AgentJohnson, as a people pleaser it's really easy to pass off that selfish behaviour in the early days not realising as you say it only gets worse.