Utterly sick of being less important than my husband

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Just needing a huge vent - and maybe some advice if anyone has some for me.
I consistently feel like my husband puts himself first at every critical moment. We got married in his country because he “just thought it made sense”, and in the setting he wanted. I didn’t want to move to the countryside but he complained several times a day every day for three years about where we were so I caved. I didn’t want to move during my maternity leave for fear of feeling isolated during a time when one’s life changes so drastically, but here we are.

And it’s not like I’m a partner with less of a stake/power in the relationship in the traditional sense (not that I think it should matter!). I’m more senior in my job, and have got through mat leave entirely on my savings and without any financial input from him.

I feel like I constantly lose out because he complains more and does less than I do. And I have to suck it up and make it work. Is this how the stereotype of the chilled man and highly strung wife comes about? Through getting sick of being a second rate citizen the whole time!

I think your DP is not a very nice man.

Yes I probably am a people pleaser which is useless, I know. And @happyface42 my DH was (is) also the little king of the family and used to getting his own way all the time. We’re probably the worst combination!

But as a number of posters have reminded me, that means a lot of the responsibility lies with me too. I’ve been feeling so powerless and hopeless but this is the little kick I need. It’s so hard - I genuinely don’t know how to think about my need first (it sounds pathetic, yes!).

We’ve had countless arguments about “people should only do what they want to do” when I’ve asked him to do something (you know, like say hi to my parents on Skype sometime in the first 5 years of our relationship). Part of me thinks it’s the most outrageously bratty thing I’ve heard in my whole life, and part of me envies living that way as it does mean you simply always get your own way!

Well, you can't say he hasn't been very clear about exactly who and what sort of person he is.

You need to actually face up to the fact this is what you're always going to get with him, and decide whether this is the life you're going to lead.

He's not going to change, this works for him.

Interesting responses - half are saying leave him, half are saying it’s equally your responsibility to stand up for yourself.

I was having the exact same conversation with a friend today. I do think that men are more selfish, generally, than women. I am definitely in the ‘people pleasing’ box and am working on not being so much of a pushover to DH, not letting him get out of doing things because I feel guilty when he says he’s tired etc.

I do think though wouldn’t life be so much nicer if both people in a couple have as much as each other and the pleasure was in the giving rather than getting what you want? That’s what it’s always been like in my family, which was lovely growing up but also the reason I’m a people pleaser now, I guess.

Anyway, sympathies op - I am in the same boat.

No-one should have to "stand up for herself" simply to get her partner to say hi to her parents on skype, when she's moved countries to be with him.
Any man who, for five whole years, refuses to do that extraordinarily simple thing for the inlaws his wife has left behind for him, simply because he "doesn't want to", is a really nasty piece of work.

On a rectangular table with 5 people at your house who sits at the head? At ours it is me because I mind (and I'm the head of the family 😏).

@kindofcoping if you're in the kind of relationship where you both put effort into making the other person happy and nobody rules the roost then it's all good. The OP's problem is she's doing the making the other person happy bit but he isn't. He isn't going to change because he's happy. So the OP can only change how she reacts.

Its all very well suggesting that women should be more assertive, how about men stopping to consider other people.

I've tried being more assertive against the very domineering, aggressively self centred DH and its just plain exhausting. It just becomes a battle of wills.

The selfish, self centred little ego of the spoilt man can not be changed. Mine looks hurt and plays the down trodden card if ever I disagree with him. He will not ever admit that his attitude to getting his own way is controlling. He assumes he knows best, and because he loves his family that as long as he tells himself he has our interests at heart he can make the decisions.

I've moved house, changed jobs, turned up to my own wedding never having had a say in its planning, and now he's busy trying to block every suggestion I make for the new house.

You can't change a person like this. But they can break you. I don't think I'm a people pleaser, I'm just not a selfish arsehole. And that's all it takes for a man to behave like an entitled twat. Some men just lack empathy, and there's no teaching empathy.

Unless you want to break your marriage piecemeal, slowly and painfully you walk away.

Have you considered telling him no occasionally?? Don’t be a doormat, OP, you’re allowed your way sometimes, it’s called compromise. Stop letting him dictate to you!

Try starting with small things. Pick something and say you want it done differently from what he wants. Don't try to defend it logically with reasons, just say it's what you want. See how he reacts.

Why did he not contribute financially when you were on mat leave? Why did you have to use your own savings!

This will get worse and your role in your own life will get smaller and smaller, but by bit. Is that what you want for your future?

Slowly but very surely this man will break you and not give a damm, because nothing or nobody is more important than himself, or getting his own way. Consequently this results in you becoming completely compliant. The dye is cast. What part of ‘you’ is there in this marriage, what part of ‘you’ does he respect or treasure. What a brute he sounds.

I've seen this all too often. Women ( and it usually is women) trailing round after their man. Unhappy in the new area, no friends, lonely, isolated. They back down on decisions as the man will not budge so it's either constantly argue or back down.
Your relationship is doomed. He will not change.
You ask if this is normal. It's not normal at all in good relationships no, it is common in bad relationships.
Dh and I don't compromise on many things at all. That is because we hold the same fundamental beliefs, philosophies and principles. There isn't a compromise to be made. He asked what I would like for dinner and quite frankly I am more than happy to go along with his choice and why wouldn't I?
He does all the food shopping, planning, cooking all I do is eat it, so I will eat 100% what he would like as I do zero in terms of the hard work.
Take the garden. I will ask dh, what do you think to this plant? He says if I like it then so does he. I do all the gardening except for diy such as making wooden planters etc which I ask dh to do and he does. Again he doesn't moan about the garden as I do all the work.
It's demoralizing having to ask the person who supposedly loves you to consider your feelings and needs.

Why did you have to live on your savings in May leave?!

That is not a partnership!

My exH was like this. Everything was a battle of wills. He threatened divorce when I refused to go to a weekend event he wanted us all to go to. I caved. I caved on many more things than I should have. Everything became a nasty fight and a race to the bottom. My resentment grew with each argument. Standing my ground constantly was exhausting. It was like the things he wanted were more important than our crumbling marriage. I tried to tell him so many times but he didn't listen/ understand.

It's like night and day compared to new DP. We rarely argue, we both compromise without having to debate it. I hadn't realised just how dysfunctional my marriage had been until I had a normal relationship to compare it to. I realised that I'm actually quite a chilled person, who can happily compromise if needed because I see compromise from the other direction.

You do what he wants because you think it's the easiest option for you. Which it is in the short term, but long term it's making you unhappy.So you need to stop doing that. He won't react well to it though but you can't have it both ways. Either change your behaviour, leave or carry on as you are. Those are your choices.

I can't see how you could ever be happy and fulfilled in this relationship - you are better off being single or with someone who wants a true partnership.

Maybe your respective (and opposite) traits were what attracted you to each other in the first place? A confident man with lots of ideas as to what he wants to do / likes etc can be very seductive when dating. But if it translates to him always getting his way, he will undermine your confidence and happiness.

I'm a strong minded person but also want others to be happy. I'd say my DH is similar and that's why it works between us. We discuss everything until we can agree. I don't want someone who gives in to me all the time but I don't want to be bossed around either.

Because life is stressful and busy we each let the other make certain decisions at times. Like he often chooses our holiday destinations because he likes researching that kind of thing and I don't, but he checks the plans out with me first.

I don't know if you can change the dynamic in your relationship or whether he's too controlling and would just make your life a misery. But something has to happen - change or leave.

Don’t negotiate with terrorists. This applies to toddlers as well as intransigent husbands.

When the care and consideration for each other has gone from a relationship, you have no relationship.
He set the parameters from the outset making himself omnipotent in the relationship and you have gone along with it.

You have reinforced your worthlessness in his eyes. He doesn't respect you. Why are you staying? Do you enjoy being a doormat?

We’ve had countless arguments about “people should only do what they want to do” when I’ve asked him to do something
But this isn't what he believes. What he believes is that he should only do what he wants to do, and you should only do what he wants you to do.

I would think about trying to get some counselling to understand your people pleasing tendencies before you try to change the power dynamic in your relationship, as I think he will be prepared to go to more extreme lengths to keep his position of power than you will be to take some of it.

Thinking more about your comment about your mat leave. Did you have a discussion about how you would pay for your mat leave or did you think to yourself that you weren’t going to give him the satisfaction of saying you should pay for it and you agreeing?

Are you changing how you behave so you can avoid conflicts where you know he will wear you down? If so, his work is done. He’s got you to a position where you self-regulate to do what he wants without him even having to ask or argue.

"We’ve had countless arguments about “people should only do what they want to do” when I’ve asked him to do something"
But this isn't what he believes. What he believes is that he should only do what he wants to do, and you should only do what he wants you to do.

Absolutely bang on from @tribpot