Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is the experience of being long term single SO hard to understand for people who have relationships?

89 replies

DivertedResources · 28/05/2021 20:23

I 'see' my self esteem in parts. I'm very confident and skilled at my job. I am confident in my hobbies. I am confident in my daily life. I have no confidence in myself when it comes to relationships, because I've never had one. It seems like such an unattainable goal.

I'm the same with my happiness/contentment. I have a lovely life. I have enough money for my lifestyle, my flat is lovely, I am content. At the same time, I am horribly lonely. I don't have any particular goals to travel or pick up new hobbies; I just want a partner and maybe even a child.

I started therapy because I wanted to try and find some coping strategies for the loneliness, but the therapist is awful. All she has is versions of 'well, no relationship is better than a bad relationship,' 'you need to love yourself before anyone else loves you'.

Am I such an oddity than people don't understand me? Is this the problem?

OP posts:
premium77 · 28/05/2021 21:28

Firstly OP I completely hear you and understand how you feel. Your feelings are valid. I think your therapist means well (what she says is true — being alone is better than being in a toxic/abusive relationship) but I understand why it might make you feel like your feelings are being minimised.

How old are you? And, as far as you can tell, why do you think you’ve never been able to find someone?

Original poster
DivertedResources · 28/05/2021 21:36

I'm 33.

I missed the boat in my teens and early 20s and never got the easy, casual firsts. Tinder was only for casual dating and that didn't seem 'me', so I briefly tried Match but no one seemed to be under 40. I tried to improve my social life instead, which gave me the hobbies I like just now, but still no boyfriend. I've tried Tinder and Bumble more recently, but just had crap luck and not found anyone I liked enough to try kissing never mind anything else. I've been ghosted A LOT, which does make me think I do something wrong.

OP posts:
Scabber · 28/05/2021 21:38

100%

I was single and very lonely in my 20s-mid 30s. Longed for a loving relationship. When I confided in people how I felt I got laughed at. Loneliness is for widowed pensioners, not 30 year olds. That's what people seem to think anyway. After a recent relationship breakdown I'm terrified of that empty/lonely feeling again and would love to fins a way to accept it and get used to it.

Original poster
DivertedResources · 28/05/2021 21:54

Laughing and/ or pity seems to be the default. I'm so afraid to tell people how I feel. I'm sorry your relationship ended Flowers

OP posts:
JoanOgden · 28/05/2021 21:56

As a fellow long-term single person I totally get how you are feeling. Your therapist sounds crap, can you find another one?

NoIdontwanttoseeyourknob · 28/05/2021 22:07

If you’re paying for your therapy definitely look for a different one! If this is the area you want to work on then you need your therapist to support you in it, maybe one that doesn’t read out Hallmark cards!

Have you done any reading? It might be worth looking into your attachment style, there are different ways of relating which you learnt as a child and some of them are not very healthy when it comes to trying to find romantic partners.

Original poster
DivertedResources · 28/05/2021 22:13

I am still trying to decide whether or not to try again, but I'm definitely not going back to her!

I would like to really discuss my coping strategies. I visualise a lot, but I don't think that daydreaming about a family is helping me now, I think it's actually making me more down. Similarly, I avoid supermarkets/ shops at particular times because I feel so sad seeing lots of couples. I'd gladly do some reading into that if you have any recommendations.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 28/05/2021 22:14

What do you think you do wrong to get ghosted?

Original poster
DivertedResources · 28/05/2021 22:19

I do find it hard to be 'interesting' at first as I'm quite introverted and a bit crap at small talk. I always make the effort to read mens' profiles and try to ask relevant questions to their interests.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 28/05/2021 22:27

Guessing that that 'effort' comes across and (possibly) makes them feel awkward and uninteresting. How about just saying you're crap at small talk and asking some questions that you're interested in learning the answers to?

SortingItOut · 28/05/2021 22:29

@Sarahlou63 Great bit of victim blaming there🙄

The fault of being ghosted lies 100% wirh the person who does the ghosting.
Men on dating sites give no shits.

The OP does nothing wrong.

Lottielovescake · 28/05/2021 22:29

You sound like a really interesting person (lots of hobbies, good job etc) and lots of people are bad at small talk. Maybe it’s the people you’ve met on these apps and not you at all.

Original poster
DivertedResources · 28/05/2021 22:30

That's what I try to do Confused

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 28/05/2021 22:32

[quote SortingItOut]@Sarahlou63 Great bit of victim blaming there🙄

The fault of being ghosted lies 100% wirh the person who does the ghosting.
Men on dating sites give no shits.

The OP does nothing wrong.[/quote]
Being ghosted after one date does not make you a victim.

SortingItOut · 28/05/2021 22:36

@DivertedResources Come and join us on the dating thread, its a great support network for those dating.

We share stories and give advice to each other.
Its great for making you realise that everyone is in the same boat and its nothing to do with you as a person if you are ghosted.
Everyone on the dating thread has been ghosted once and many have been ghosted numerous times.

Sarahlou63 · 28/05/2021 22:38

@DivertedResources

That's what I try to do Confused
So you read their profile and ask relevant questions about their interests - what about telling them about your interests, your job, your hobbies and your daily life? Because your life sounds great. Why do you subsume it to your date's interests?
Original poster
DivertedResources · 28/05/2021 23:56

I don’t Confused Of course I talk about myself!

OP posts:
GingerFigs · 29/05/2021 00:10

As @SortingItOut says pop over to the dating thread for support. Online dating is brutal!!!

OldWomanSaysThis · 29/05/2021 01:08

A few years ago, I read about 20 books on Kindle about dating of which about 80% were written by men. Some were self-published. It was eye opening. I highly recommend it. It helped me understand why I had zero luck with men. I was doing it all wrong! I wish I would have read these books in my 20s. Ah well. But, at least now I know what happened.

FlyNow · 29/05/2021 03:38

There's nothing odd about you. I think people in relationships do understand, maybe they haven't had the same lived experience as you but they should understand wanting to have a partner as they obviously also wanted one too. Some are oblivious though, yes. Others sympathise but do it in a clumsy, insulting way.

It doesn't sound like you really click with your therapist, it couldn't hurt to try a new one.

bountybarbar · 29/05/2021 03:59

What were your biggest take-aways OldWomanSaysThis?

OldWomanSaysThis · 29/05/2021 05:21

My takeaways from the dating books -

  1. In the early days they lose interest over the most bizarre, tedious, things - like, she isn't showing adequate interest in my dog, she had a hair on her chin.

  2. men really don't like bossy authoritative women - women who are in management at their jobs and then carry over that communication style in their personal lives

  3. they want a challenge, they want to work for it, they really do like the chase - don't always be available

  4. they like banter, humor, teasing, playfulness, laughter

  5. they like women to have passionate opinions and interests

  6. they don't want a woman ending their hobbies, friends and interests and devoting all of their time to the man - too much pressure

  7. they are visual - 1st impressions matter - one book says always wear hoop earrings and heels on the 1st date (Millionaire Matchmaker book). This book also says the only goal on the 1st date is to get a 2nd date. The way to get a 2nd date is to be a good listener on the 1st date. The 2nd date can be more of the woman talking. Later dates can be casual dress.

  8. sex within 3 months or it's over - Steve Harvey's dating book calls it The Cookie

  9. the 1st time the woman cooks for the man - the meal is super simple and casual - the bar is set very very low the first time

  10. if on OLD - have at least 3 men on the go so you don't get over invested too soon - if 1 ghosts you, then you have 2 more and you fill that 3rd spot immediately.

  11. DUMP on the 1st red flag - don't waste your time when you could be meeting someone better

  12. don't be too agreeable - they like push back, they like a bit of Meanness

  13. Men hate makeup but love long painted fingernails. (The makeup thing irritates me because they want your natural state to be what you look like with makeup - I agree on the long painted fingernails - LOVE)

  14. It's very hard to move from a FWB to a real relationship. If you like a guy, don't agree to a FWB with him thinking it will develop into more.

My mistake was thinking men liked nice chipper positive women - everything is rainbows and unicorns, agreeable women, women who are eager to please and be who the man wants the woman to be. I have a jacked up childhood - I thought the woman was just supposed to fold into the man's life and not be a separate person. An abusive man might like this, but not a normal one.

Unless it's sex only (the Madonna/whore thing seems to be alive and well), they want substance, they want interesting, they want someone who won't embarrass them at their club meeting.

adhdpunchbag · 29/05/2021 05:29

@OldWomanSaysThis

I can't believe you are serious and think all of this is good advice!!

Take a minute to think about the kind of self-serving, narcissistic male that would want to write a book about these things (there is a reason they are self-published...). Would you really want to date someone like that?!

Tonic54 · 29/05/2021 05:47

Hi Op,
I can relate to feeling lonely and really wanting to be settled. I think it's important to be yourself but also keep going with the online dating, keep switching sites, don't take ghosting personally and move on. Maybe tell your therapist you want a relationship and if she can't support you in navigating online dating (which is brutal) you should find another one. You just need to click with one person but finding them is hard, good luck.

OldWomanSaysThis · 29/05/2021 05:51

I'm just telling you what I read. I thought a lot of it rang true based on RL conversations with men.

If I ever date again, I am going back to dating women, which is what I started with in the beginning. My attempt at dating men was just a (failed) experiment.