Is the experience of being long term single SO hard to understand for people who have relationships?

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I 'see' my self esteem in parts. I'm very confident and skilled at my job. I am confident in my hobbies. I am confident in my daily life. I have no confidence in myself when it comes to relationships, because I've never had one. It seems like such an unattainable goal.

I'm the same with my happiness/contentment. I have a lovely life. I have enough money for my lifestyle, my flat is lovely, I am content. At the same time, I am horribly lonely. I don't have any particular goals to travel or pick up new hobbies; I just want a partner and maybe even a child.

I started therapy because I wanted to try and find some coping strategies for the loneliness, but the therapist is awful. All she has is versions of 'well, no relationship is better than a bad relationship,' 'you need to love yourself before anyone else loves you'.

Am I such an oddity than people don't understand me? Is this the problem?

I think as others have said OP it's a numbers and luck of the draw game. It also is harder to meet a variety of people as you get older and are working full-time.

I've never worn hoop earrings in my life or changed anything about myself yet still managed to get a date!

It’s just my opinion I know but a lot of the nicest most well rounded guys go for non self obsessed women, average build who can cook, like a nice home , like a laugh, like a drink (I dont mean they are alcoholic) and are good company, allow them some freedom and are relatively low maintenance. Shallow blokes often go purely on skinny , long hair , successful etc - without necessarily being bothered about the persons other traits.

This is such an interesting thread that has made me think about my short but valuable dating time.
My approach was like a pp put, dating became a hobby for me. Sometimes I'd get disheartened but on the most part it was a good time in my life. My friend's words were invaluable, she said, 'if nothing more comes out of it, you'll have some great stories to tell'. And she was right. Like the man who asked me where I saw myself in 5 years time like an interview. I sarcasticly said, 'alive preferably'. Needless to say there wasn't a second date.

There probably is an element of chance to it but also persistence. I really persisted.

I was a bit obsessive with messages after dates and over thinking things which wasn't the best. However I realised that the people who weren't that responsive, weren't the right ones. When you get into your 30s, the treat em mean keep em keen idea is a load of bullshit in my opinion. If you like someone, you like them. Game playing is for teenagers. You gradually figure out which men actually want a relationship and which ones actually want their single life.

I also loved the filters on dating apps. I wasn't a tinder sort of girl , Match was the best one. I filtered out the smokers, recreational drug takers, the ones who put hook ups, and searched for the long term relationship men who wanted marriage and children. I didn't go for posers or egos. Muscle photos were a turn off.
Sounds like there wouldn't be much left after all that, but there was, and I met my husband.

If you want to meet someone special, I would say, follow your own heart, ideals and standards.

I've been in relationships most of my adult life and hoop earrings have only figured some years. I hate wearing heels and I don't play games. I want someone to like me for who I am.

Dating isn't about trying to get every man to like you but to get to know each other and seeing if there is an interest and an attraction.

When I dated, i got to know them as people before thinking about attraction. I wanted to like them as a person first and foremost.

I have a few very attractive, clever, lovely friends who are long term single. One was treated badly by an ex fiance and another just hasn't met the right person. There is nothing wrong with them, it is a matter of luck. Also, I have a lot of married friends who put up with a lot of shit that I know my single friends wouldn't.

I was in a similar position, zero boyfriends in my teens and twenties. I had dates here and there and a fling but nothing real. OLD was awful, I hate the sweetshop mentality and think that certain guys I'd spoken to would have been more likely to date me if we'd met somewhere normal rather than online where there's so many barriers.

I am introverted but also put myself out there with volunteering (all older people), travel, trying new things etc. I had no male friends, no friends who knew single guys and all the young guys at work were taken. So OLD was my only option. Also tried Speed Dating a couple of times - it was dire but I do know someone who met their husband that way.

I've never been good at attracting people, not sure why as I'm reasonably cute and fun. However I'm more a listener than a speaker (although I have my moments) and I once found out that a guy I'd been on a date with didn't think that the conversation flowed and had been eyeing up another woman during our date! So it's interesting because I thought it had gone ok?!

I also loathed when people gave me the "love yourself" line. I worked hard on myself over the years but still nothing happened. Another friend has a string of long term relationships behind her but the guys she went for were all pretty immature. But she still managed to attract men no problem. Her new boyfriend contacted her on social media, nothing like that has ever happened to me. No fun romantic scenarios. I often think I'd have been better having a friend who turned into a romantic option, that way I'd have gotten to know and trust them, but that never happened.

I eventually met my first boyfriend - now DH - online, long distance (very long!). In my mid 30s and had pretty much given up on the whole thing. It's not the best relationship for a few reasons but we get on well enough. I'm quite lonely at times though, there's zero sex.

Anyway, I hear you

Isn't dating in your 30s a whole different experience? Did anyone else feel that?

I found it less shallow overall. And after a few dates, conversations about wanting the serious things like children, etc did come up, and wasn't taboo.

One of my friends really wants to meet someone and have children. The last man she was with, was for about 6 months before she realised he didn't want the same things she did at all. I know everyone's different, but if I'd of been her, I would have wanted to know what he wanted within 6 weeks, not even waited 6 months! Maybe that's just me. But I think it's OK to be assertive and say what you want, especially when you're getting into mid/late 30s.

Just remember that a lot of these dating “rules” and advice are created by sad desperate men clinging to the last remnants of patriarchy because the only thing the have going for them is being male.

By no means chase men who say no, but please don’t follow bullshit rules either. Following them will attract you one of those men at best.

@OldWomanSaysThis - I’ve read all the books as well. I think the list is right but you need to read some dating books to understand the context of the advice. Basically having a healthy self-esteem is very attractive.

I was having no luck with OLD and tried to do some of the things in the books just as an experiment - I was surprised how my dating experience changed in a good way.

But like PPs have said, it’s a numbers game - persist with OLD, all dating. Read the Hussey book and others that are similar just to try some different approaches.

I think having dating rules is good if you are a person who gets over involved too quickly , doesn’t spot red flags easily etc
I loosely followed the rules book when dating and it’s mainly about having your own life, being busy and not waiting for dates and texts from a guy ( which make you anxious) and just trying to build your self esteem and confidence.
It helped me lose the guys who didn’t text much, cancelled last minute or didn’t make plans etc I didn’t waste time when I had no time. I didn’t chase guys who weren’t interested. I really believe if someone is interested they show you through their actions and in my experience men are pretty straight forward in that way.
I don’t have pierced ears and never wear heels 👠 but some ‘rules’ are just guides for dating healthily

@WobblyMelon

I think having dating rules is good if you are a person who gets over involved too quickly , doesn’t spot red flags easily etc I loosely followed the rules book when dating and it’s mainly about having your own life, being busy and not waiting for dates and texts from a guy ( which make you anxious) and just trying to build your self esteem and confidence. It helped me lose the guys who didn’t text much, cancelled last minute or didn’t make plans etc I didn’t waste time when I had no time. I didn’t chase guys who weren’t interested. I really believe if someone is interested they show you through their actions and in my experience men are pretty straight forward in that way. I don’t have pierced ears and never wear heels 👠 but some ‘rules’ are just guides for dating healthily

Surely there is an issue if both parties feel and do the same though? What if the man thought the lack of communication from the women meant she wasn't interested and he didn't want to pester?

@coronaway I’m pretty experienced and never found a man that didn’t proactively chase a woman he liked, seen it with me, my friends, my siblings and cousins. Even the very shy guy I dated - he surprised me!
There are loads of threads on here with guys not texting or not meeting and 99% of them end with the guy isn’t interested. When the woman texts him after encouragement on here , I’ve not actually seen one successful one where the guy is into her and she normally gets rejected. I’m on mumsnet years , and read relationships section daily.
Men show in their actions what they feel for you. Until you’ve established a relationship, the best way to look after yourself is keeping busy and not doing all the chasing your side so you can see how the other person feels about you. I’m not saying make no effort but I see women on here texting constantly, anxiety riddled over whether he read the last text but hasn’t responded in two hours etc etc

Agree - don’t ever chase men. Yes be interested and friendly but never be desperate.

WobblyMelon 💯

I met my partner at 37 after many years single, through online dating. I treated it like a hobby towards the end, arranging loads of dates which were very soon after initial contact, casual drinks after work in the week. No big build up of emailing etc and anyone who didn't want to meet but just chat well they weren't interested (or married)

But building up my other interests was also a thing. Attending evening classes and meet up groups, with a view to making friends not dating.

I also adjusted my dating settings, I thought having a degree and a professional job meant I wanted someone with a degree but i ended up with someone with no degree (but he is an it contractor) so it ruled people out unnecessarily (though I still as a professional women don't think I'd date someone who wasn't career minded)

I also Wanted someone tall but was aware that limited me (but I am 6 foot myself). So removing some criteria is good (but I never removed things like don't want kids ever)

So treat it like job hunting for a year. Try the paid sites like match, see if an older man appeals.