Is the experience of being long term single SO hard to understand for people who have relationships?

[DivertedResources]

I 'see' my self esteem in parts. I'm very confident and skilled at my job. I am confident in my hobbies. I am confident in my daily life. I have no confidence in myself when it comes to relationships, because I've never had one. It seems like such an unattainable goal.

I'm the same with my happiness/contentment. I have a lovely life. I have enough money for my lifestyle, my flat is lovely, I am content. At the same time, I am horribly lonely. I don't have any particular goals to travel or pick up new hobbies; I just want a partner and maybe even a child.

I started therapy because I wanted to try and find some coping strategies for the loneliness, but the therapist is awful. All she has is versions of 'well, no relationship is better than a bad relationship,' 'you need to love yourself before anyone else loves you'.

Am I such an oddity than people don't understand me? Is this the problem?

I think you are very probably right, @Crikeyalmighty

I kinda get what you mean op all feels like it's some game you don't have the instructions too and you can never work.out if you are lonely because you are lonely or lonely becuase you think you are missing out in something but can't quite bring yourself to get sucked into what appears to be a complete minefield.

I've only been single a few months so can't really talk for the long term side. But I can say that for me at least the loneliness inside of a relationship is worse than the loneliness if not having one. I dont want to be alone the rest if my life but I don't want a relationship either because I think my thoughts and feelings and beliefea are probably almost incompatible with what I've always found relationships to be. Something that results in completely losing yourself in order to keep the peace or be what is expected of you to be inside of the relationship. Even if that's self imposed in that no one asked you to but somehow you ended up trying to just be like eveeyone else and somehow that just happened.

That won't apply to everyone obviously. Sorry can't really advise I guess except to say stop just assuming it's you. That you are doing something wrong. You sound perfectly normal.tbh

@Whatwouldscullydo. I totally agree with you— see my above post. Sometimes what you become inside a relationship has never been actually outright ‘asked for/expected ’ it’s somehow how you perceive you ‘should be’ and once you then start trying to be all things to all men then after a while that becomes ‘expected’. I often think many women are our own worst enemies, the old feminist expression of ‘you can have it all ‘ usually ends up as ‘you can do it all’

I agree OP. I find that often people in marriages/relationships are very patronising to the long term single. Often I avoid discussing dating/relationships with anyone who isn't also single or divorced because the response I get is not helpful.

I agree that it's very lonely and frustrating to be long term single. I love my job, kids, friends but I'd love to be in a committed relationship!

Hi @DivertedResources
I can relate to some of your story. Being long term single can be hard for people to get their heads around.
So for me, I had a rough time when I was about 18. I wasn't well and didn't have many friends, go away to uni, etc. It took me a few years to get myself together. I didn't have the teenage/20s life that many do. I became a teacher and worked long hours in a challenging job but I also enjoyed it. Being single and lonely bothered me during this time but I also had a good social life and freedom which helped.
Then 30 hit!!!
There's something about that number. The year I turned 30, everyone I knew was getting married and having babies, and I started to think about my situation. I was still living at home, I'd NEVER had a boyfriend or even been on a date. Then I found the courage to try internet dating. I never went on any dates with anyone who I didn't contact first. For someone who had never dated before, I surprised myself with the confidence I found to do it.
Six months later I met the one. We decided we both wanted children and I became pregnant 4 months after we met, then moved in together, engaged, wedding, etc. It hasn't been happy ever after as we've done everything super fast, back to front and our relationship has been through some horrible times. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that things can change so quickly. You think you're going to be single forever then...
I hope you find what you need and the direction that's right for you.

Someone said to me once, 'you look like a single person'... Don't you just love humans sometimes!!!

I get it-I never had a boyfriend longer than six months from age 18 until I met my husband at 35.
I was so lonely but in hindsight I sabotaged a lot of relationships and went for really unsuitable men when I should’ve given kind men a chance. I was a thrill seeker.
I enjoyed reading Why men marry bitches it helped me

But some of what of oldwoman says this is true. I have gorgeous lovely popular friends who just can't find love and others who have no
In my experience family and friends who have no issues getting into healthy relationships date like men.i would say
Never get invested unless the man already is
If you fancy someone ask them out be proactive
Never mention future relationship, children etc until you are serious
Never be available on short notice
Live your life dont wait around for men
Never date only one man until he asks to be exclusive - you can be proactive and ask more than 1 out , best not to the same date
Dump immediately on any red flag
Never show jealousy
Immediately ghost if they try change you in any way mention your weight, tell you your skirts are too short or that you should grow your hair because you are perfect just the way you are
Don't get serious let him lead, if the relationship is not moving to your preferred speed dump
Never say I love you first that will make a lot of men run
Generally don't act too interested and don't take shit
When I met my husband at work , myself and my collegue and friend both fancied him, I asked why me as she is a lot prettier than me and a nicer person too. He said he fancied me because she just seemed so desperate and her willingness to pleas was off putting.
Men just are often hardwiredthat way, there is some truth to treat them mean keep them keen
If someone sends you a dick pic-advise the man its a shame and sorry for being shallow but on viewing the pic you know it won't work out

But that all just sounds like some childish game. I mean how.long do you keep.playing for after it works well enough to snag the object of your desire. 3 months ?.6 months?

from a guys opinion, i for one dont find hoop ear rings attractive, they remind me of one for middle age women from Eastenders from about 20 years ago. Wear what you like wearing not what you think a guy might like, if your comfortable in how you look, that will come across on your date.

Its not a game, its not getting too invested. The timing is up to you. E.g I decided I wanted to be engaged after a year of dating or at least moving forward so we could discuss the future and what I wanted , he said he didn't believe in marriage and we broke up. Obviously that changed but you have to decide what you need from the relationship and move on if you are not getting it. Life is too short to waste on the maybes, but the thing is I did love him but that would not make me stay on and waste time.

But if both of you played that exact set of circumstances then it would never get anywhere would it.

@isitsummertimeyet

from a guys opinion, i for one dont find hoop ear rings attractive, they remind me of one for middle age women from Eastenders from about 20 years ago. Wear what you like wearing not what you think a guy might like, if your comfortable in how you look, that will come across on your date.

Haha. I'm bisexual and read that whole list cringing thinking if this is what men really want then I'm definitely only dating women from now on.

I'm always amazed when men are attracted to me as I'm a real tom boy and not the type to wear any makeup or earrings, hooped or otherwise.

I'm with you OP. It's rubbish and people in couples forget or don't know how difficult it is when everything in life is your responsibility.

No, I've never had any trauma or worse, thank God.

It is like watching everyone else play a game and advance through the levels while you've not got the instructions! And I definitely agree the people who say they prefer being single are the ones who've been there, done it.

I'm just so tired of striving to be the best, most positive, interesting me that there can be, and it's still not enough. I was at a friends' for a barbecue today. I have far more hobbies than any of them, I'm thinner and take better care of myself, which sounds horribly vain and judgemental but is true, and yet they are all settled. It's so very very depressing and it does make me question myself.

At least there wasn't the split the bill chorus of 'us, us, us and her' :(

When I was single, I was far more interesting I think. I was more quirky and creative. Loved doing my art, went to life drawing classes, upcycled stuff (even stuff I found in skips lol), did photography, collected antiques, went to the theatre and cinema loads, had road trips with friends, hotel breaks with friends, garden parties, pub nights, the list goes on.

Now I'm a married mummy and pregnant again, life is soooooooo different. I can't even remember the old me which is kind of sad even though I want the life I have now.

Try to embrace and love the things you are right now and the life you have now. Who knows what tomorrow might bring.

I haven't had a 'proper' relationship and am now nearing 50. I tried everything until in my mid 30s. Lots of interests and experiences , tried OLD in its early days nothing

I adopted children. For me, the big issue was not having the chance to be a mother, though it took me a long time to admit it to myself.

If you had to choose, which would it be? A partner or a child?

I wouldn’t be able to raise a child alone. It would be tough money wise and I’d have no one to help me at all. It is what it is.

@DivertedResources

I wouldn’t be able to raise a child alone. It would be tough money wise and I’d have no one to help me at all. It is what it is.

I think you need on working on developing good strong friendships based in this post. You might be single for life and you will need those friends!

@DivertedResources

No, I've never had any trauma or worse, thank God.

It is like watching everyone else play a game and advance through the levels while you've not got the instructions! And I definitely agree the people who say they prefer being single are the ones who've been there, done it.

I'm just so tired of striving to be the best, most positive, interesting me that there can be, and it's still not enough. I was at a friends' for a barbecue today. I have far more hobbies than any of them, I'm thinner and take better care of myself, which sounds horribly vain and judgemental but is true, and yet they are all settled. It's so very very depressing and it does make me question myself.

At least there wasn't the split the bill chorus of 'us, us, us and her' :(

May I be honest with my opinion? You generally sound quite nice in your posts, but your comment above does sound vain and judgemental, but at least you realise that. Maybe you are coming across as rather hard work or high maintenance? And possibly a bit self-obsessed, or sneery of others, which can be off-putting.

Could you just relax and be yourself? Stop worrying about being the “best you” and stop trying to be “better” than the people around you.

Are you are looking for a partner who values thinness and number of hobbies in a partner? Or are you looking for someone with common values, goals etc?

Wishing you well - the pandemic is a difficult and lonely time for many, which I don’t imagine is helping.

To be fair to the OP, those are the characteristics that are presented by society as being the factors that make someone attractive.

@Allington

To be fair to the OP, those are the characteristics that are presented by society as being the factors that make someone attractive.

But if her pursuit / maintenance of these characteristics are making her seem (and feel) vain and judgemental, they aren’t helping her. And they only appeal to a certain type of man - ones who value thinness / high achievement etc. over other attributes (such friendliness, sense of fun etc.).

I don’t think looks have much to do with it. I have a couple of close friends who’ve always been single and they’re both very beautiful. They’re also funny, intelligent and interesting. Over the years, I would say that any women I’ve known who are always single have quirks to their personality, the sort that would obviously put someone off dating them seriously (being very difficult with men or having barriers up). One girl did it as a defence mechanism I think because she’d been badly hurt. Another girl I know creates narratives about where a new relationship is going by and over analyses things to the point of madness. She would say she’s picky but from an outsiders perspective, I wonder if she’s doing it subconsciously on purpose as she’s not ready for/ scared of being vulnerable in a relationship. Is it possible there’s a reason you’re single OP?

I don’t think there’s always a reason for being single and a bit unfair to point to what could be ‘wrong’ with op. Perhaps her friends have settled for guys that we see on these threads every day , perhaps her friends got lucky. I met my dh late 30s I definitely got lucky after a sea of OLD toads for years and years. I didn’t change anything about me. It used to annoy me when people thought I was picky etc , I didn’t want to settle with mr red flags or mr no chemistry. It was as simple as that. Op keep going, it really is a bit of an endurance test but try and keep positive x

Another consideration is - how much are you focussing on yourself compared to thinking about others?

My friend was recently diagnosed with a serious illness. From her wide group of friends, many contacted her with words of support and offers of help. But, a number of them gave a perfunctory nod to her illness then immediately poured out their own (comparatively minor) woes (about their health, work, dating etc.) to her or told her how her illness was negatively impacting them. She commented that she’d realised that the ones making it all about themselves were the ones who had not been in long-term relationships and had perhaps become a bit insular.

Of course, I’m not saying that all long-term singletons don’t think about others - I know plenty that do. And obviously, if you are alone you do need to put yourself first most of the time. But, it might be worth thinking about whether you are giving enough thought to others to be interested in / of interest to a potential partner.

Quite honestly I would just throw yourself at online dating.

I’d make it almost a hobby and really get yourself out there dating a range of different people because from what you’ve said I wonder if you really know what sort of person you are looking for/is right for you?

I’d ask someone who knows you well in real life and who can be both tactful and honest to give you some feedback on how you come across eg on your profiles etc then just go for it. Rejection may sting but they were not right for you. Similarly bin off anyone who isn’t right for you. Keep on getting out there. There is no other magic solution to finding a partner!

But, as posters have mentioned above, it is easy to idealise “relationship” above everything and to feel that it will complete you. Relationships can be hard work and compromise. It’s not the same as feeling lonely but it’s not perfect either.

I'm a very fortunate man in a settled long term marriage, so my experience of dating is umm... dated.

I see a lot the advice 'don't chase, don't be too available' -- should I ever have to return to dating - I would be hyper-aware of 'me-too' and the stories that women have posted here about being stalked and hassled by ex's that won't leave them alone. If someone I was keen on followed the 'don't chase, don't be too available' advice I would absolutely walk away even if I really liked them as I would think that is what they want.

The list above from OldWomanSaysThis was just weird -- I mean take this gem:

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7. they are visual - 1st impressions matter - one book says always wear hoop earrings and heels on the 1st date (Millionaire Matchmaker book). This book also says the only goal on the 1st date is to get a 2nd date. The way to get a 2nd date is to be a good listener on the 1st date. The 2nd date can be more of the woman talking. Later dates can be casual dress.

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Urgh on the hoops & heals but worse 'the only goal is to get a 2nd date' well sure if you are that desperate, maybe you could find 2 minutes during the date to help work y'know -- if you fancy them, if they fancy you, if you have any compatibility other than just wowing them with your ability to look en-rapt whilst keeping your mouth closed.