Please can I have some breakup advice? Long post sorry.

[Couch2Potato]

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years yesterday.

We've had issues for a long time now. We bickered A LOT, and the small rows over the smallest of things turned into days.

He is a very insecure, childish man which led him to be jealous, controlling and he'd sulk after we'd have the tiniest spat (like, if I didn't hear him say bye, he'd assume I was ignoring him and leave for the office and sulk until bedtime.) and I've been in a state of confusion, it feels like he makes stories up about stuff I've done sometimes.

We have had many chats over the last 12 months and I'd fedback that I didn't feel he wanted to talk to me, didn't feel very affectionate, feels like he hates me. Six weeks ago, I said I'd had enough of the constant bickering and if we had one more major conflict we needed to have a chat. He got angry, and blamed it on me but we left it as that.

Short-term, I'm happy and comfortable. But after a small spat this week, that turned huge. When he came home last night, I said "I think we need to break up".

He initially said I'd not tried hard enough, and listed off all the reasons I'd done wrong and he'd done right. E.g., he'll say let's book to do something, "have a look at stuff you want to do", then blame me when nothing gets organised, I'm quick to organise things with friends/family/work colleagues. I'm affectionate with everyone but him etc etc etc.

Then, he moved to be (what felt like) crocodile tears telling me "no, this isn't it". Then actual tears, and he was balling his eyes out and begged me not to go. It was horrible.
I'm staying at my Mums until tomorrow, then I said we will sort out "stuff".

I miss him and I want to get back because ultimately I love him and I just want to cuddle him. He kept crying "one more chance, if you loved me you'd give it one more chance" and it's breaking me but the foundations of the relationships are broken, I can't keep bickering it makes me so unhappy. He has the same attitude with his children (9yo & 12yo) that we see bi-weekly, like blaming them when they've got no clean underwear left, or simply just not plan to do anything fun with them. Him and his boy will watch football, and leave his little girl to watch bored, she hates footy.

He says we can fix it, and I want to fix it but I also know that this isn't the right relationship.

Am I being daft? I don't know what to do. I just want to feel his warmth and be happy with him.

I guess my real question is, how do I decide whether to give it another chance?

Op you might not have realised this but, he is abusive.

He is manipulative, controlling and frequently gaslighting you. That is abuse.

So you have 100% done the right thing. And you should proceed to block him on everything and never take him back.

Controlling behaviour is often mistaken as 'insecurity'. It is not. It's actually just about controlling you.

This man fits the profile of a covert narcissist (narcissistic personality disorder) to a tea. And I think if you Google Lundy bankrofts 9 types of abuser, you will find him in there too.

Melanie tonia Evans does good YouTube vlogs on npd. Including one about 9 types of 'narcissistic hoovering' which you would be wise to check out/read up on. It's about the cons narcissists pull to try get you to come back after you've left them.

Oh and, fyi, he DOES hate you. Hates.

Bottom line, he is utterly vile. Stay as far away from him as possible. Put his stuff in bin bags and drop them outside the door right before he arrives. Do not engage any further.

Ps: well done you for telling him to sling his hook!

Stay strong. The more you learn about his sort by reading up, the easier it will become. That combined with staying away..the fog will lift and you'll see what he really is.

He's jealous and controlling. He's manipulative and emotionally abusive (turning everything around on you, sulking, blowing every issue up into drama).

Worse than doing this to you, he does it to his children too.

Have a sense of self preservation - don't go back.

Splitting up is the right thing to do. Stay away from him. This only gets worse.

You get over love and love again, it's just an emotion and not rare.

He is a very insecure, childish man which led him to be jealous, controlling and he'd sulk after we'd have the tiniest spat (like, if I didn't hear him say bye, he'd assume I was ignoring him and leave for the office and sulk until bedtime.) and I've been in a state of confusion, it feels like he makes stories up about stuff I've done sometimes.

No, you should not give him a second chance. Print that paragraph out, take a photo and set it as your phone screensaver and re-read your own words every time you have a wobble. Why on earth does he deserve a second chance, he sounds horrible! And he's a bad father too. Yuck.

@Umberellatheweatha

Ps: well done you for telling him to sling his hook!

Stay strong. The more you learn about his sort by reading up, the easier it will become. That combined with staying away..the fog will lift and you'll see what he really is.

Thanks for you post, admittedly, I have done research of narcissism and identified with some of the behaviours that he displays with a covert narc. I've tried not to be too absorbed with it, as I didn't want to label him and wrongly perceive him by getting tunnel vision of narc, narc narc!

Can I ask why you think he is one?

Do not give him any more chances. His idea of "fixing it" is to further ramp up his power and control over you. Its over and its over anyway because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out to you. Men like this hate women, ALL of them.

Its also not your job to fix him here; whoever or whatever gave you that idea?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. That question needs serious thinking time. What has there been at all to love about this man?. I would read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this relates to your own behaviours.

I would also suggest that you have a look at the Freedom Programme as well as working on you to rebuild your life, self esteem and boundaries. Men like this too can and do erode boundaries and your boundaries need urgent revising upwards. Do also read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

You’ve definitely made the right decision to leave - he sounds like he is very avoidant in his attachment style and manipulative and gaslighting you as well, I have been in relationships like this and it doesn’t get better - you’re much much better off without him. Sulking and not speaking are hugely immature ways of dealing with things and they are so damaging to relationships - the fact that he’s like this to his children is a major red flag - why would you want to put your potential future family through this as well? It’s toxic and unhealthy. You’ve made a great decision, stick to your guns and when you look back on this you’ll be SO HAPPY and proud of yourself that you dodged this bullet. X

@category12

He's jealous and controlling. He's manipulative and emotionally abusive (turning everything around on you, sulking, blowing every issue up into drama).

Worse than doing this to you, he does it to his children too.

Have a sense of self preservation - don't go back.

Splitting up is the right thing to do. Stay away from him. This only gets worse.

You get over love and love again, it's just an emotion and not rare.

Do you think he's a bad father?

I had such a good childhood, and I have an amazing relationship with my parents. Sounds odd, but I still play-fight and wrestle with my nearly 60yo Dad!

I feel that I have too high expectations of what a parent/child relationship should look like, so I wasn't sure if it was normal for him not to plan things when he has them. His big ideas with them always rely on money, so we're going to a chocolate factory in June. But in between then, nothing is planned.

But he's not close to his family. He see's his Dad, 4 x a year max.
So did I just have too high expectations, or is what he does is it normal?

The manipulation, the making it all about him, the crocodile tears, the silent treatment. Those are not things a normal, neurotypical person does. Tbf he could also be a psychopath. They are in the same personality cluster and have many of the same traits.

Though tbf a specific label beyond abusive asshole isnt really necessary. But there is a lot of content and helpful vloggers on youtube about how to spot narcissists and arm yourself against them. So it's a good place to start.

Sorry for my naivety but this is my first serious relationship.
Is it normal for him to beg and cry during a breakup?
"I'll never get over you"
"You're the only one for me"
"I love you too much"
"I don't want to get over you"
"I won't survive this"

He has the same attitude with his children (9yo & 12yo) that we see bi-weekly, like blaming them when they've got no clean underwear left, or simply just not plan to do anything fun with them.

Yes, I think he's a bad father. I think he's a shit father.

Yes, it's normal to cry and beg.

My ex cried and begged and nothing ever changed. As soon as you go back, it'll be the same story.

I just hate the feeling that he thinks that I don't care or love him, because I do. And I so don't want to hurt him.

We also work at the sample job, it's how we met.
Him and the kids mother hate each other, and I don't want to be like that.

I'm such a people person, and I care too much about what other people think of me

I know it'd neverbe this simple with anyone

Well op you already know he is not normal so...

Most ppl are upset with a breakup but they ultimately respect the other persons decision. It is common for abusers to be...more dramatic.

Eg: 'I wont survive this'. Abusive sorts often imply they might kill themselves if you dont take them back. Its emotional manipulation.

They might in time, turn it on you also. Eg: "how will you cope without me?" Or "no one will ever love you like me".

But op, none of his behaviour has shown love, consideration or care for you. So his words mean shit. He is just trying to get his victim back.

As I said earlier, do all the reading you can on 'narcissistic hoovering'. Prepare yourself.

I feel that I have too high expectations of what a parent/child relationship should look like

What on earth are you thinking!? Surely if you had such a great childhood you would want to give the same to any children you might have in future? Why do you deserve less in a relationship and any potential children of yours deserve less?

Don't lower your standards for the first bloke who wants to be with you.

He's a shit dad - how can you not see that? Blaming his kids for not having clean underwear. Not doing anything with them. And leaving his DD to be bored while the men watch football is typical of his attitude towards women.

I can't even believe you are thinking of giving this awful man a second chance! I know you said this is your first serious relationship so please believe me when I tell you a relationship should be better than this.

Get out and don’t look back. I feel very sorry for his children. They are lumbered with him.

I think the fact he's managed to convince you that your own wonderful relationship with your parents is unusual and 'odd' is heartbreaking, actually.

That should be the norm.

He's grooming you so that you won't expect a similarly positive relationship for your own children. Disgusting.

You don't need money to do nice things with kids. Go to the park, feed the ducks, climb a hill. So his excuse of needing money is BS.

And the fact that the mother of his children hates him - that's a warning, no?

You are a woman who has known great love from your father - make that your blueprint. Pull up your standards. Love isn't supposed to make you feel bad.

What would your father want for you?

I think the dramatics over you breaking up is not all that unusual - but that doesn't make right, or make it your problem. From the outside, it is clearly emotional blackmail, trying to guilt and frighten you into giving him what he wants, and not acting as you know is best for you.

You have a right to be happy and well-treated. His dramatic declarations of despair do not override this. At all. You set out your boundaries clearly some time ago, he ignored them, now he gets the consequences.

Not your problem.

What's the age difference between you?

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

I think the fact he's managed to convince you that your own wonderful relationship with your parents is unusual and 'odd' is heartbreaking, actually.

That should be the norm.

He's grooming you so that you won't expect a similarly positive relationship for your own children. Disgusting.

You don't need money to do nice things with kids. Go to the park, feed the ducks, climb a hill. So his excuse of needing money is BS.

And the fact that the mother of his children hates him - that's a warning, no?

You are a woman who has known great love from your father - make that your blueprint. Pull up your standards. Love isn't supposed to make you feel bad.

What would your father want for you?

THIS ^

Abusers want you to feel like you need to prove something to them.

Eg: love, loyalty, innocence, trust. Ect...

They may convince you that they think you dont love them enough. So that you spend all your time looking inwards at how you can PROVE yourself. Rather than acknowledging their shitty behaviour. It's a trap. Get off the merry go round.

"I'm such a people person, and I care too much about what other people think of me"

Why?. What happened to you to arrive at that particular state?. People pleasing comes in part from having low self esteem, this man has further lowered your perhaps already low self esteem and worth. He targeted you and deliberately so too in order to abuse you. You have been indeed groomed here by him; these abusive types are master manipulators of people. He has not given a fig about hurting you so do not give him that consideration either. And yes he is a shit dad; take the rose tinted specs off and look properly at how he treats both his children, the daughter in particular. He indeed does hate women, ALL of them.

What's the age difference here between this man and you?.

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

I think the fact he's managed to convince you that your own wonderful relationship with your parents is unusual and 'odd' is heartbreaking, actually.

That should be the norm.

He's grooming you so that you won't expect a similarly positive relationship for your own children. Disgusting.

You don't need money to do nice things with kids. Go to the park, feed the ducks, climb a hill. So his excuse of needing money is BS.

And the fact that the mother of his children hates him - that's a warning, no?

You are a woman who has known great love from your father - make that your blueprint. Pull up your standards. Love isn't supposed to make you feel bad.

What would your father want for you?

He's never suggested that it's unusual, he's actually said that he wants to the relationship I have with my Dad, with his daughter.

I adore my Dad and my Grandad, there are my true inspirations in life.
My Dad would NEVER say it to me, but I know through bits my Mums has accidentally slipped that he wants me to leave. My Mum on the other hand, just wants to me to be happy.

I feel so guilty that I've painted him to be a monster.

For the record, he is: loyal, supportive, intelligent, passionate and i'm his #1 priority in life.

but... I still can't forget the sulking, jealousy and insecurities he has.