Please can I have some breakup advice? Long post sorry.

[Couch2Potato]

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years yesterday.

We've had issues for a long time now. We bickered A LOT, and the small rows over the smallest of things turned into days.

He is a very insecure, childish man which led him to be jealous, controlling and he'd sulk after we'd have the tiniest spat (like, if I didn't hear him say bye, he'd assume I was ignoring him and leave for the office and sulk until bedtime.) and I've been in a state of confusion, it feels like he makes stories up about stuff I've done sometimes.

We have had many chats over the last 12 months and I'd fedback that I didn't feel he wanted to talk to me, didn't feel very affectionate, feels like he hates me. Six weeks ago, I said I'd had enough of the constant bickering and if we had one more major conflict we needed to have a chat. He got angry, and blamed it on me but we left it as that.

Short-term, I'm happy and comfortable. But after a small spat this week, that turned huge. When he came home last night, I said "I think we need to break up".

He initially said I'd not tried hard enough, and listed off all the reasons I'd done wrong and he'd done right. E.g., he'll say let's book to do something, "have a look at stuff you want to do", then blame me when nothing gets organised, I'm quick to organise things with friends/family/work colleagues. I'm affectionate with everyone but him etc etc etc.

Then, he moved to be (what felt like) crocodile tears telling me "no, this isn't it". Then actual tears, and he was balling his eyes out and begged me not to go. It was horrible.
I'm staying at my Mums until tomorrow, then I said we will sort out "stuff".

I miss him and I want to get back because ultimately I love him and I just want to cuddle him. He kept crying "one more chance, if you loved me you'd give it one more chance" and it's breaking me but the foundations of the relationships are broken, I can't keep bickering it makes me so unhappy. He has the same attitude with his children (9yo & 12yo) that we see bi-weekly, like blaming them when they've got no clean underwear left, or simply just not plan to do anything fun with them. Him and his boy will watch football, and leave his little girl to watch bored, she hates footy.

He says we can fix it, and I want to fix it but I also know that this isn't the right relationship.

Am I being daft? I don't know what to do. I just want to feel his warmth and be happy with him.

I guess my real question is, how do I decide whether to give it another chance?

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

@Couch2Potato

There is a 7 year age gap, I'm 26.

He's a shit father and a shitty, abusive boyfriend.

Please block and delete this person out of your life.

Take some time out to work on your boundaries and self-esteem. Why on Earth if you're single and childfree are you getting involved with men with kids and all this baggage? Why make your life harder.

These men target young, inexperienced women to use and control.

What Atilla said.

Well if you put everything else aside op: he is a shit ton of drama, he often makes you feel rotten and he has issues that mean he probably shouldnt be in a relationship.

A relationship is supposed to make your life happier and easier. This one isn't working.

Life is too short!

couch both my parents were like this and were also abusive to me. There's no fixing such people. Please make your escape. Well done for noticing his patterns of behaviour. X

@Couch2Potato

I feel so guilty that I've painted him to be a monster.

For the record, he is: loyal, supportive, intelligent, passionate and i'm his #1 priority in life.

but... I still can't forget the sulking, jealousy and insecurities he has.

HE is his no. 1 priority in his life.

You're 26, you have no ties, no baggage, and you deserve a helluva lot more than a man like this.

Any person who truly loved you would respect you when you say it's over. Instead he's thinking about himself and getting what he wants.

Get a clue!

He's his #1 priority in life, no mistake.

"For the record, he is: loyal, supportive, intelligent, passionate and i'm his #1 priority in life."

Change the record. I doubt if his ex or children say the above about him. His children seem very fearful and they also get blamed for his shortcomings and failings as a parent. With such men, its everyone else's fault and never theirs.

HE is his number 1 priority in life; not you and its never been you either. He has suckered you in by putting on an act for you and one he was never able to maintain. This bloke pulled the wool over your eyes.

"but... I still can't forget the sulking, jealousy and insecurities he has".

And indeed you should not. Sulking as well is an example of emotional abuse. Its over and needs to remain over too. Reclaim your life.

X post with osber !

@Couch2Potato

I feel so guilty that I've painted him to be a monster.

For the record, he is: loyal, supportive, intelligent, passionate and i'm his #1 priority in life.

but... I still can't forget the sulking, jealousy and insecurities he has.

No you're not, and neither are his kids. He is his number one priority in life and always will be. You said it sometimes feels like he hates you - that's because he does hate you. The rest is an act.

You didn't have to paint him to be anything here, he is a specific type and you need to get out. Please listen to the posters on here before you waste any more of your twenties.

You've fallen into the trap of making up for his shortcomings as a parent, too. He's a shit excuse for a father.

He's never suggested that it's unusual, he's actually said that he wants to the relationship I have with my Dad, with his daughter.

Yet it's entirely in his hands to have that relationship with his children right now. He could engage with them the way your dad did with you.

Instead he chooses to blame them and ignore them.

Your dad wants you out of it. He has your best interests at heart.

The guy doesn't have to be a monster to not be right for you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"I'm such a people person, and I care too much about what other people think of me"

Why?. What happened to you to arrive at that particular state?. People pleasing comes in part from having low self esteem, this man has further lowered your perhaps already low self esteem and worth. He targeted you and deliberately so too in order to abuse you. You have been indeed groomed here by him; these abusive types are master manipulators of people. He has not given a fig about hurting you so do not give him that consideration either. And yes he is a shit dad; take the rose tinted specs off and look properly at how he treats both his children, the daughter in particular. He indeed does hate women, ALL of them.

What's the age difference here between this man and you?.

I wouldn't say I have a low self-esteem.

I'm just highly empathetic, live for people and peace!

He went for someone nearly a decade younger deliberately because he thought that a younger woman with little to no life experience or previous relationship experience would be easier to manipulate.

This article may be of some use to you:-

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/202002/the-empath-and-emotional-abuse

I wouldn't say I have a low self-esteem.

I'm just highly empathetic, live for people and peace!

If you had greater self-esteem you would not have given this man the time of day, much less 2 years of life. You're being taken for a mug. There's nothing positive about that, that's not being a bloody empath or 'people person'.

Men like this target women like you.

There's no peace with this person because he's abusive.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He went for someone nearly a decade younger deliberately because he thought that a younger woman with little to no life experience or previous relationship experience would be easier to manipulate.

We didn't know each other before we started dating, he didn't know anything about me. He said he thought I was attractive and asked me out on a date. From the offset, he told me had children and drama (not his words) in his life, so he understands if this isn't for me.

Do you think this is still true? I'm not disagreeing with you, I just fail to see it.

Loads of abusers and nutcases have have great qualities. Hitler was an artist.

Theres a saying on here: if a sandwich was 95% all of your faverote ingredients and 5% shit, would you eat it?

Dont keep eating this shit sandwich.

And totally agree with all pp: HE is his number one priority.

Take a leaf out of his book with that and choose yourself. Find your self love.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He went for someone nearly a decade younger deliberately because he thought that a younger woman with little to no life experience or previous relationship experience would be easier to manipulate.

100%. Feel sorry for his kids and make up for what he knows is shitty abusive parenting, too. These men are 10p a punnet.

Abusers have a six sense for people who are going to be easier to get under thumb. It could have been that you were young or that you displayed some sort of insecure body language. Whatever it was, he gave it a bash, and it worked. Because here you are, years later, having excused his manipulations for years.

But these sorts can manipulate anyone given enough time and proximity tbf.

Do you think this is still true? I'm not disagreeing with you, I just fail to see it.

Yes, it's still true. Of course you didn't see it. That's why he targeted you.

These men with kids, why wouldn't you swerve them at your age? You've got your life ahead of you and you saddle yourself down with someone else's drama and baggage? That's low self-esteem right there, never mind the rest of it.

It's awful having someone like this as a parent(s). I actually had one of my grandparents pull me aside and tell me to get gone when I was older. I didn't though - kept trying to make it work. Only pulled away when my own happy family was ensuring the drama too.

You sound like an agreeable kind person couch but don't stick around with this man. Please, please get gone. You only have one life. He's damaged and very damaging and there will be NO fixing him.

Enduring not ensuring - correction

Its not a good thing that you are No.1 in his life especially when he has kids.
Aside from the fact you think you are No.1 and he has likely told you this too when in fact he is his own No.1 as a parent his kids should be No.1.

Every parent knows that kids come first especially if you are the non-resident parent.
His attitude towards his kids is atrocious - he could plan basic, low cost things to do with them but he doesn't care.

You deserve so much more than this man.
And as for the begging and crying,my ex husband did the same every time I caught him having emotional affairs. When I stayed did he change? Did he heck?
Well actually he changed for a few months and then went back to doing the same stuff.
He was only begging and crying because he knew he had cocked up and I'm a people pleaser and worried about his mental health plus he had a wife who was a skivvy and he never lifted a finger so why wouldn't he want that still.

You are young and can do so much better. Don't waste any more of your life with him.

He's not a shit dad at all, he's an appalling dad.

Both your parents can see he's treating you equally as bad and want you to leave and be happy

His tears and I love yous are all designed to pull you back in. You've already said you're empathic, so of course you feel his pain. But his pain isn't real. It will disappear at a moments notice when he knows your firmly back under his control

He will only get worse. If you marry and/or have kids. You'll be well and truly trapped and under his control

Thank you all for your comments.

I am a very self-aware person - I know I'm very empathetic and easily influenced. I needed to hear your comments.

And I'll need to read them again tomorrow before I go and see him.
I know I'll be pulled into his comments tomorrow, it'll pull at my heart strings.

The only way I can see myself going through with it is, is to be harsh and swift but that doesn't sit well with my values. I want to explain, then hug him and say goodbye nicely lol.