Please can I have some breakup advice? Long post sorry.

[Couch2Potato]

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years yesterday.

We've had issues for a long time now. We bickered A LOT, and the small rows over the smallest of things turned into days.

He is a very insecure, childish man which led him to be jealous, controlling and he'd sulk after we'd have the tiniest spat (like, if I didn't hear him say bye, he'd assume I was ignoring him and leave for the office and sulk until bedtime.) and I've been in a state of confusion, it feels like he makes stories up about stuff I've done sometimes.

We have had many chats over the last 12 months and I'd fedback that I didn't feel he wanted to talk to me, didn't feel very affectionate, feels like he hates me. Six weeks ago, I said I'd had enough of the constant bickering and if we had one more major conflict we needed to have a chat. He got angry, and blamed it on me but we left it as that.

Short-term, I'm happy and comfortable. But after a small spat this week, that turned huge. When he came home last night, I said "I think we need to break up".

He initially said I'd not tried hard enough, and listed off all the reasons I'd done wrong and he'd done right. E.g., he'll say let's book to do something, "have a look at stuff you want to do", then blame me when nothing gets organised, I'm quick to organise things with friends/family/work colleagues. I'm affectionate with everyone but him etc etc etc.

Then, he moved to be (what felt like) crocodile tears telling me "no, this isn't it". Then actual tears, and he was balling his eyes out and begged me not to go. It was horrible.
I'm staying at my Mums until tomorrow, then I said we will sort out "stuff".

I miss him and I want to get back because ultimately I love him and I just want to cuddle him. He kept crying "one more chance, if you loved me you'd give it one more chance" and it's breaking me but the foundations of the relationships are broken, I can't keep bickering it makes me so unhappy. He has the same attitude with his children (9yo & 12yo) that we see bi-weekly, like blaming them when they've got no clean underwear left, or simply just not plan to do anything fun with them. Him and his boy will watch football, and leave his little girl to watch bored, she hates footy.

He says we can fix it, and I want to fix it but I also know that this isn't the right relationship.

Am I being daft? I don't know what to do. I just want to feel his warmth and be happy with him.

I guess my real question is, how do I decide whether to give it another chance?

Sulking for days on end is not acceptable behaviour and should of resulted in ending it actually, so every time that happened and you accepted it, you were giving him another chance. So that's many chances he's had over time. This last pytime, you gave fair warning, but he did it again anyway.
People who are genuinely insecure, tend to toe the line, take on all the responsibility and do anything to appease and please their SO. This is not what he is doing, he continues to sulk because he doesn't believe you would leave him for it, this is how a narc thinks, it's his way of controlling and punishing you. Wouldn't an insecure person be worried about leaving you for periods of time? They would fret about you, contact you, apologise, fear what you are thinking and doing when left for day. He however lacks empathy, so it's all about him, his jealous. Don't get sucked back in, you've done the right thing.

Do you need to see him? He knows why, you don't owe him any more explanations.

You must realise that this idea of going to see him and explaining...is probably not going to go well. It sounds like you are looking for him to...give you closure in some way? A neat, wrapped up ending. That's not likely to happen.

Chances are that even if you avoid caving into his manipulations, you will still leave feeling worse. Wishing you could have just found the 'right words' to explain why his behaviour was not ok for you.

The fact is, he KNOWS he has been a shit.
And if you take him back, you will get more if the same. Likely worse, in order to punish you for dating to try to end it.

You should never have to explain why manipulative, controlling and generally abusive behaviour IS abusive. Or why you are not willing to stay and tolerate it.

Stay away and make your own closure.

*daring to end it

Why are you going to see him? You really don't need to and he will probably persuade you to give him another go.

He’s abusive, he’s manipulating you. Don’t get back with him whatever you do.

I wouldn't say I have a low self-esteem.

I'm just highly empathetic, live for people and peace!

That is precisely the kind of person someone abusive wants to be with. Almost all victims of DA fit this profile. It's not your fault in any way, but you would be so much better off not wasting your good qualities on someone who will twist them and abuse you.

The only way I can see myself going through with it is, is to be harsh and swift but that doesn't sit well with my values. I want to explain, then hug him and say goodbye nicely lol.

Please don't do this. My daughter would be like this because she hated bad feeling and he ALWAYS persuaded her to stay. The only time she successfully and permanently left was when she had zero contact and ignored him completely and this was with children involved.

You owe him nothing.

Oh op. You’re only 26. Relationships should not be this hard.

I’m glad you’ve ended it. You need to keep it this way. The longer you give it the clearer your vision will get and you’ll see this man is an abuser.

Stay gone, go find someone you can have a mutually loving relationship with and have a family with, if you choose one.

Not this. Never this.

I said I'd go back tomorrow after the dust had settled, and ultimately we need to sort our stuff out!

But you're right, deep down I want closure and hate causing pain.

Maybe keep this one question in your head whenever he's emotionally wrangling you:

"Do you make me happy?"

Because from everything you've written, the answer is, 'no'. You deserve happiness. Sometimes it can be so long since you've had it, you forget what it's like. As someone who was miserably married for ten years, I promise you it's amazing. It's light and easy and content and peaceful and fun.

Be pleasant to him, be civil. He won't be. But you can - as you extricate yourself and work towards happiness. You'll never know it with him.

What's happiness?

He kept blaming lockdown for our lack of happiness. And now lockdown is easing it'll all change!

Yeah right.

It's in his control, in his hands to be a good partner and good father right now, during lockdown, or whenever.

He chooses to behave in other ways.

@category12, that made me chuckle haha!

I'm not sure if he even realizes it tbh, I've never specifically called out "you sulk, you're manipulative blah", I've always just said "we can't keep bickering" etc etc.

He was shocked when I said we should break up.

We had a spat, he thought I ignored him so he went to work.
I tried to bring it up that evening, he said he didn't want to talk so rather than trying to resolve things as normal. I left it, and didn't attempt to talk to him that night or morning. Whilst I was out walking the dog, he'd left for the office (usually works from home)

I can see me being at fault here, but I was tired of begging/tidying it up.
Anyway...

Him: "How comes when I want space, we break up? When you wanted space the other weekend, everything went back to normal"

Yoi don't have to 'win the argument' with him OP - and in fact you won't be able to win it, as he can rewrite history as many times as he likes to make you the baddie. The only thing you get from engaging is more grief from him. And possibly more grief for him too, so - don't let him think he is talking you round.

Perceptions in this kind of situation rarely tally even when both parties have a history of scrupulous honesty and fair play. Never mind with Mr 'poor me I am destroyed without you'.

(He isn't, obviously)

So... he's text my mum saying he's sorry etc etc.

Thoughts on this?
I've seen online that it's a way to get to me. It'd be good to get your wise thoughts on this please

Advise your mother to block him from being contacted and not respond in any way. What he is doing is trying to hoover himself back into your lives. Do not fall for such attempts.

But you're right, deep down I want closure and hate causing pain.

Again this all fits in with you being an empath; ideal fodder for such a man in order to abuse.

You don't need closure here; closure is overrated. As for not wanting to cause him pain well he has caused you more than enough of that so he is not worthy of such a consideration.

As knittingaddict in her comments writes re empaths, "that is precisely the kind of person someone abusive wants to be with. Almost all victims of DA fit this profile. It's not your fault in any way, but you would be so much better off not wasting your good qualities on someone who will twist them and abuse you."

@Couch2Potato

So... he's text my mum saying he's sorry etc etc.

Thoughts on this?
I've seen online that it's a way to get to me. It'd be good to get your wise thoughts on this please

I was going to say, that melanie tonia Evans youtube video on hoovering I mentioned is good apart from one big way she missed out - getting to you through friends and family.

Common ways they do this include: 1. Telling your family they are worried about you (eg: your mental health. 2. Telling them you have done something bad/hurtful to them (getting their twisted story out there first). And 3. Telling them how sorry they are to have hurt you 'wah wah poor me' so that the friend or family member believes that are genuinely sorry and- tries to convince you to give them another chance.

Advise your mother to block him.

Also, when you think about it, it's really fucking creepy isn't it! And cheeky as fuck.

Go and see your dad lass, tell him everything you've told us and get him to go with you tomorrow.

@Umberellatheweatha

Also, when you think about it, it's really fucking creepy isn't it! And cheeky as fuck.

He did number 3! He said messaged sorry last night when I arrived at my parents but she missed it.

She replied "No need to be sorry" and he responded, Yeah there is etc etc, it's all my fault and I've ruined X's birthday."

We should have been celebrating my brothers birthday.

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

Go and see your dad lass, tell him everything you've told us and get him to go with you tomorrow.

My Dad did offer to come with me, and take my brother.

I thought it was a bit much for OH, unfair. Especially as he's just expecting a chat with me.

"He is a very insecure, childish man which led him to be jealous, controlling and he'd sulk after we'd have the tiniest spat"

Your words, that are the answer to every query you might have about this whole thing.

If you love a person like that, you must surely have low self esteem because nobody with intact self esteem would be in love with that. So either you do and you're in denial or you don't and you're under the impression that you being highly empathetic is the key to making this break up all flowery and kind and lovely. Break ups aren't like that are they. Good relationships don't end do they, bad relationships do. You were in a bad relationship.

You ended it. He cried. You're sad. Move on. It's how we grow and at 26 it's time to let go of the drama and be an adult in this.

Live and learn.

Your 26! these should be the best years of your life, and your wasting them not wanting to hurt his feelings! You deserve so much better than this. It doesn't matter what he wants, what do you want OP? Get rid, he's dragging you down

Why would you want this much drama. He is abusive and you'd be mad to get back with him.
This pattern of behaviour will just continue. He is not going to accept he was in the wrong and change.
When I got with my now dp he did something really stupid after drinking. I was furious. The next day I said to him. Your behaviour was completely inappropriate and I am not happy.
His response was to hold his hands up. Accept the blame 100%. He didn't try and justify or deflect. He took it on board. He has never behaved like that since.
If he had done anything else I would have ended it. I have (now) good boundaries. Why put up with crap ? Your life goes by so quick why do you want to spend it with someone that behaves likes this and can't even be bothered to parent his children.