Abusive husband

[Stupidandold]

Apologies in advance for my rambling. My husband of 20 years has been abusing me again.
He blames me for everything that happens. It’s always my fault. This time I said he didn’t need a new tv just so he can play Xbox in better quality.
He called me a c**t, choked me and repeatedly slapped me.
I am so sick of it

This is what abusive men do to women; they grind away your self-esteem until you feel worthless and trapped.

OP, you're NOT worthless. You are a human being of worth and importance. The fact you're here, asking to be heard is a testament to your strength and proves you really do wish to do something about the awful situation you're in right now.

It must seem as though you'll never be free of your abuser, but you can do it. Just imagine the relief of finally being free of the abuse - free to start a new and exciting life on YOUR terms.

You are NOT worthless and you owe nothing to anyone - least of all someone who doesn't respect or appreciate you, someone who isn't kind and doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Keep posting, please. There is support out there - whether it's here, or from other organisations best placed to assist you in getting out of a dangerous and unhappy situation.

You've done a brave thing by asking to be heard - the next step is just that; another little step to freedom.

You can do it.

Thank you, all of you. I know logically that I should leave. I’m just too conditioned to take the beatings and get on with things

When you are next on your own close your eyes and imagine life once he's gone. How do you feel? What are you doing? How will your home look? Really imagine every detail - what you will eat and drink, what will you do in the evening and at the weekend when you are free.

Now imagine the pain, the tears, the confusion of your grandson if you die and he never sees you again.

It's your choice.

@Sarahlou63

When you are next on your own close your eyes and imagine life once he's gone. How do you feel? What are you doing? How will your home look? Really imagine every detail - what you will eat and drink, what will you do in the evening and at the weekend when you are free.

Now imagine the pain, the tears, the confusion of your grandson if you die and he never sees you again.

It's your choice.

Thank you. I do visualise what it would be like. I had to cut him down the last time I said I was leaving. He decided he’d hang himself in the garage, I cut him down and he then blamed me for ruining his death

OP

You were asking about the ask for ANI scheme.

www.thenextchapter.org.uk/ask-for-ani-scheme

Look for somewhere with this poster displayed, most Boots pharmacies do so.

" If you approach a member of staff and ask for ANI, that staff member will assist you into a private consultation room. They will then help you with your next steps, whether that be contacting the police or accessing support through a domestic abuse organisation, such as Next Chapter. This is a discreet way of accessing vital help which during lockdown is arguably needed now more than ever. "

You sound so broken and down op. You need someone to help you
believe in a better life and give you hope. Don't give up. Your grandson needs you more than you realise.
Take a look at this. WA has a website forum for domestic abuse survivors.
survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/messageboards/

I don't want to be dramatic, but choking is a big indicator of men who ultimately kill their partners. You have only one choice here and that's to leave asap.

@BlankTimes

OP

You were asking about the ask for ANI scheme.

www.thenextchapter.org.uk/ask-for-ani-scheme

Look for somewhere with this poster displayed, most Boots pharmacies do so.

" If you approach a member of staff and ask for ANI, that staff member will assist you into a private consultation room. They will then help you with your next steps, whether that be contacting the police or accessing support through a domestic abuse organisation, such as Next Chapter. This is a discreet way of accessing vital help which during lockdown is arguably needed now more than ever. "

Thank you I will go to boots tomorrow. I know in my heart I deserve better. I am just pathetic at trying to break free

I had to cut him down the last time I said I was leaving. He decided he’d hang himself in the garage, I cut him down and he then blamed me for ruining his death

Next time, go for a long walk...

@Sarahlou63

I had to cut him down the last time I said I was leaving. He decided he’d hang himself in the garage, I cut him down and he then blamed me for ruining his death

Next time, go for a long walk...

This.

Might sound callous but if he really wanted to kill himself he would have done it when you weren't around. It was just another bit of manipulation to get you back in line.

My daughter's ex mil tried that one when my daughter left - "he's threatening to kill himself" sob, sob. My reply - "yes, he's said that before". Needless to say, 3 years later, he's still here and in one piece.

[quote PollyPicket]You sound so broken and down op. You need someone to help you
believe in a better life and give you hope. Don't give up. Your grandson needs you more than you realise.
Take a look at this. WA has a website forum for domestic abuse survivors.
survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/messageboards/[/quote]
Yes, you are not wrong. My grandson is my reason to live

I agree with pp that him threatening to kill himself is about control. I really hope you get away from him. You have been through so much. Have you had any counselling for the trauma you've experienced? It might be worth seeing your GP if possible.

Funny you should say that as the he did it again and I ignored it. Needless to say, he is still in the land of the living

@Veryverycalmnow

I agree with pp that him threatening to kill himself is about control. I really hope you get away from him. You have been through so much. Have you had any counselling for the trauma you've experienced? It might be worth seeing your GP if possible.

I had a psychiatrist. I stupidly didn’t tell her the whole truth for fear of losing my children. If I could go back I’d have been honest but at the time I didn’t understand the impact. I sound like a lunatic but I couldn’t leave my babies

You wouldn't be asked to leave your babies as long as you're not with this man. Social services talked to my daughter after she left and they said they were happy as long as she didn't go back. She's had no contact with SS since she left because she would never go back to him.

This is really concerning. You have to leave or kick him out. You could have a wonderful life with your family.

Just seen that you don't have small children. What are your babies?

You need to leave, you can and you should.
He won't kill himself but if he does, well that's his choice.
You are not responsible for his actions, they're on him.
Your children are adults, you have a job so you can support yourself. You have options.
Wait till he goes out, pack a bag with your passport and purse, birth certificate, any medication you are on and get the hell out of there.
Go to Boots and ask for Ani.
Contact the landlord after you have left and tell him you want to end the tenancy.

You are not pathetic. And you won’t always be weak, in fact you’re not weak as you posted on here, and that was brave.

I’ve no advice (PP have given excellent advice!) I just wanted to show some support. The past is done, there’s nothing you can do about it, but you can change your future.

Good luck visiting boots tomorrow 💐

Where abouts are you OP?

You are stronger than you believe, smarter than you realise and you are an amazing mum!

Be a better grandparent and get your grandbabies away from this man, you have guilt you couldn’t do it for your son but you can do it for your grandchildren.

You are financially stable, everything is in your name. Can you look for a new place to rent? Give notice on your current place and just move one day. Then you don’t have to confront him.

OMG OP he has done such a job on you making you feel the way you do, what a life you must have - you have been given some great advice - hope you have the strength to find a way out - rebuild your life and smile again

@SoLongSister

Where abouts are you OP?

Midlands

@Stupidandold

I just want to say thank you to you all. I’ve been alone for so long. I wish I had friends like you all.

You do. We’re the best kind of friends - always here 24/7, give you straight talking (sometimes harsh!) advice that may not be what you want to hear, but it’s what you need, and we care deeply that women like you are safe from abuse. MN may be a nest of vipers, but it’s your nest, and we’re all here with you to help you get safe. Just listen to all the advice and support you get on here, take it one day at a time and then in the future YOU can be the one giving advice to young women in your shoes and telling them to get out sooner rather than later, and about your amazing new life of freedom and joy without that twat burdening you.

I hope you do manage to go to Boots tomorrow. It feels as if you are starting to believe, and you have MN behind you.

I look forward to the day you change your username to something that better reflects who you are - I'm thinking something along the lines of braveandfree.