Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Abusive husband

116 replies

Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 14:28

Apologies in advance for my rambling. My husband of 20 years has been abusing me again.
He blames me for everything that happens. It’s always my fault. This time I said he didn’t need a new tv just so he can play Xbox in better quality.
He called me a c**t, choked me and repeatedly slapped me.
I am so sick of it

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:04

@Notagain20

Hi OP, do you feel able to ring Women's Aid today? It doesn't matter if you weren't able to go to a refuge before, they will be able to talk to you about your options now. The main thing right now is to tell them how at risk of being hurt or killed you feel.
I’ve contacted WA lots. They couldn’t help because my son was over 16 and he couldn’t go to a shelter with me. Hence why I housed him myself. It got me in debt and that’s another reason he kicks off
OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:04

Thank you @Notagain20. I really do appreciate it x

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 26/05/2021 15:05

They can probably put you in a shelter now that its just you.

You gotta keep looking for a way out op otherwise you'll never find one.

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:05

@Bananalanacake

Can you stay with your son seeing as you paid for the flat. Failing that go to Boots and ask for ANI.
What’s an ANI? If you don’t mind me asking
OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:06

@Umberellatheweatha

They can probably put you in a shelter now that its just you.

You gotta keep looking for a way out op otherwise you'll never find one.

My way out, at this point, is to die
OP posts:
Notagain20 · 26/05/2021 15:06

There are lots of women on mn who have been in a similar position and know how hard it is to get out, nd that it can take many attempts. Don't worry about what's happened in the past or what mistakes you think you've made with your kids, keep focused on the future you want with them and take one manageable step towards it. Your husband has ground down your sef esteem and confidence but Women's Aid understand that and can help.

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:07

@Notagain20

You've done great to get your son out of the house now it's your turn OP. It must feel pretty hopeless and overwhelming right now but there are people who want to help you. Just take one step today, and then another one tomorrow with their help. You can do it.
Thank you, I really do appreciate your kindness Flowers
OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 26/05/2021 15:09

Is he the children's father?

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:09

If I die I know my children won’t have to see him ever again, which is a good thing.
I work full time and pay for everything. He won’t/can’t work. He plays Xbox all day everyday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:11

@pinkyredrose

Is he the children's father?
No. Which is good
OP posts:
numpty01 · 26/05/2021 15:15

@Stupidandold

If I die I know my children won’t have to see him ever again, which is a good thing. I work full time and pay for everything. He won’t/can’t work. He plays Xbox all day everyday.
There's no point in him, get him thrown out and get a restraining order, secretly record him verbally abusing you and show it to the police. The worst thing you could do for your children is to stay and give this man a chance to kill you. If you get away from him you have all the chances to repair your relationship with your children.
Notagain20 · 26/05/2021 15:18

I know that you must feel like you've got no way out at the moment, OP. Dying can seem like the only option sometimes, but there is always always another way. You must be a strong person to have got this far and to have helped your son move out. Now you ccan usethe bits of strength you've got left to have a talk with women's aid about what's possible for you. It doesn't matter if you've talked to them before, not at all. They would hate to think they never got a chance to help someone in your position.

It doesn't all have to be sorted out overnight, just let them have a chat with you.

I don't want your abusive husband to have control over what happens to you, OP. I don't want another man to ruin or take the life of another woman.

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:19

For anyone reading this who is in a similar relationship please know that they will not change. Please, for your children, leave and never look back. You children are affected by it more than you realise

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:23

@Notagain20

I know that you must feel like you've got no way out at the moment, OP. Dying can seem like the only option sometimes, but there is always always another way. You must be a strong person to have got this far and to have helped your son move out. Now you ccan usethe bits of strength you've got left to have a talk with women's aid about what's possible for you. It doesn't matter if you've talked to them before, not at all. They would hate to think they never got a chance to help someone in your position.

It doesn't all have to be sorted out overnight, just let them have a chat with you.

I don't want your abusive husband to have control over what happens to you, OP. I don't want another man to ruin or take the life of another woman.

Thank you for being kind. I do understand but I honestly wish I was dead. I have been a cretin of a mother and never protected them fully. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for inflicting this on them
OP posts:
MNHQ
MichaelMumsnet · 26/05/2021 15:23

Hi all.
We're just dropping by on here to say that we're sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.
MNHQ.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Notagain20 · 26/05/2021 15:25

@Stupidandold

I can’t burden my son or daughter with my pathetic life. I’ve already ruined their upbringing and by being a weak mother
I think your children would want to help you if they can. No one can judge you more harshly than you are judging yourself at the moment, OP, give them a chance to help you. We always think we're a burden but it's not true.

Is there anyone else you trust? Maybe your gp?

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:28

[quote MichaelMumsnet]Hi all.
We're just dropping by on here to say that we're sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.
MNHQ.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/[/quote]
Thank you. I am hoping that those with children understand that staying truly will ruin your children’s lives. You have no idea the impact it has on them. For your babies, leave now.

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/05/2021 15:28

You will never make it up to them if you stay. Don't be a martyr to your previous mistakes.

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:29

I have no one to turn to. My mum has dementia and my dad is her carer. I can’t bother them with my woes. I have zero friends

OP posts:
Sydendad · 26/05/2021 15:31

First of all, I don't see how you need to be sorry for posting about your worries. They are not mere ramblings.
You need to leave him asap. I can understand that that is scary, but this is about survival. Leave him today. Call refuge and speak to someone there 08082000247. If your children are living independently then go stay with them even if you sleep on their couch. There is no excuse for his behaviour and it is not acceptable. Report each violent or threatening event diligently even if nothings comes from it at least it creates a traceable timeline and at some point this will give results.
If you don't take action it will only get worse and I'm sure you don't want worse. Forget about any of his thoughts and considerations and concentrate only on what YOU want and what you don't want. Do not give him the benefit of doubt. Do not give him another chance. Do not give him any other opportunities. Do not believe a word he says. Choose from now on for your own benefit and your own safety.
Remember: you are a whole person and worthy of everything you want. YOU DO NOT NEED HIM. Call 08082000247 NOW.

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:32

@LIZS

You will never make it up to them if you stay. Don't be a martyr to your previous mistakes.
How do I do it? I’ve been to the police and women’s aid. I don’t want to martyr, I tired of hiding, I tired of covering the bruises. I am nothing. My children are now safe so I really do feel I would be better off dead
OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:33

@Sydendad

First of all, I don't see how you need to be sorry for posting about your worries. They are not mere ramblings. You need to leave him asap. I can understand that that is scary, but this is about survival. Leave him today. Call refuge and speak to someone there 08082000247. If your children are living independently then go stay with them even if you sleep on their couch. There is no excuse for his behaviour and it is not acceptable. Report each violent or threatening event diligently even if nothings comes from it at least it creates a traceable timeline and at some point this will give results. If you don't take action it will only get worse and I'm sure you don't want worse. Forget about any of his thoughts and considerations and concentrate only on what YOU want and what you don't want. Do not give him the benefit of doubt. Do not give him another chance. Do not give him any other opportunities. Do not believe a word he says. Choose from now on for your own benefit and your own safety. Remember: you are a whole person and worthy of everything you want. YOU DO NOT NEED HIM. Call 08082000247 NOW.
Thank you. I want you to know that your words are a comfort Flowers
OP posts:
JSL52 · 26/05/2021 15:35

What's your housing situation? Honestly if it was that bad , but would pack a bag and go.
You work full time , walk out , phone WA and tell them what he's done.
I'm not sure , but will the police go with you to collect your things ?
Please just get out , and see a GP.

Champagne16378 · 26/05/2021 15:36

Op, you can and you will get out of this. As a previous poster said, go to Boots and ask for ANI (pronounce it like the female name: Annie). That's all you need to do, they will take it from there. I sense you don't have the strength to do anything more at the moment, but that's OK. Just go to Boots and ask for ANI. Do you think you could do that today?

Please keep posting. We are here and listening.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 26/05/2021 15:36

It won't make it better for your children if you are killed. They will be living with the awfulness of that then. Please don't apologise, it's not your fault he is an abuser.
Echoing the thought that you could go to a shelter now your son has his own place. Do you rent or have a mortgage? Whose name is your house or flat in?