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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive husband

116 replies

Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 14:28

Apologies in advance for my rambling. My husband of 20 years has been abusing me again.
He blames me for everything that happens. It’s always my fault. This time I said he didn’t need a new tv just so he can play Xbox in better quality.
He called me a c**t, choked me and repeatedly slapped me.
I am so sick of it

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:36

I know I don’t need him. I work f/t and pay all the bills. He plays Xbox. I just needed to tell someone. He can’t offer me anything and I know in my heartI am able to live a life free of him. Unfortunately my mind says different

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 26/05/2021 15:38

You can do this op. You can take one step at a time. The first was posting here. The next can be to keep coming in here for support. And for getting help deciding what the next step is. We get one life. Your children love you and there is an army of strangers on here who care about you getting out because so many have been where you are. So take one step at a time.

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:39

I have a good job which I have worked really really hard to get. I come across as confident and inspiring (so I am told) I pay all the bills and spoil my grandson (another thing he hates) in my head I know I don’t need him, I don’t need him for anything. So why can’t I leave? Because I’m weak

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 26/05/2021 15:39

Do you own or rent the house you're in? Is it your name or joint names?

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:40

Thank you. Half of me just wants to die, the other half wants to leave. I am going to be honest, I’m so scared

OP posts:
Naunet · 26/05/2021 15:42

How do I do it? I’ve been to the police and women’s aid. I don’t want to martyr, I tired of hiding, I tired of covering the bruises. I am nothing. My children are now safe so I really do feel I would be better off dead

OP, what’s really stopping you from leaving? Is it fear of the unknown?

You know you can leave if you want to, women’s aid said they couldn’t help you 3 years ago because of your son, you know that’s changed now, so why not reach out again? What’s holding you back?
You have more power here than you think, you’re the one earning money, and money does give you some power. Do you currently jointly own the house you’re in?

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:42

@pinkyredrose

Do you own or rent the house you're in? Is it your name or joint names?
I rent. It’s in my name only. To be honest I don’t care about the house. I’d be happy to rent and leave the house to him. 20 years of him telling me I get hit because I’m a c**t. Perhaps it is me and not him
OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:43

@Naunet

How do I do it? I’ve been to the police and women’s aid. I don’t want to martyr, I tired of hiding, I tired of covering the bruises. I am nothing. My children are now safe so I really do feel I would be better off dead

OP, what’s really stopping you from leaving? Is it fear of the unknown?

You know you can leave if you want to, women’s aid said they couldn’t help you 3 years ago because of your son, you know that’s changed now, so why not reach out again? What’s holding you back?
You have more power here than you think, you’re the one earning money, and money does give you some power. Do you currently jointly own the house you’re in?

I’m scared
OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:45

I just want to say thank you to you all. I’ve been alone for so long. I wish I had friends like you all.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 26/05/2021 15:45

You rent in his name, get your son round, bag up his shit and leave it outside.

Naunet · 26/05/2021 15:46

What are you scared of exactly? Narrowing that down will be a good starting point.is it the process of leaving? Telling him? Or being on your own?

If you rent the house, just end the tenancy and move somewhere on your own!

Adelais · 26/05/2021 15:47

It’s never too late to make a change, forget about the past for now. Your kids won’t want you to end up dead.
If you work full time you are in a good position as you can privately rent somewhere. Ring up your landlord and tell them you are moving out and get your name off the tenancy. Please look at getting counselling. Your self esteem must be on the floor to have put up with a violent abusive waste of space for so long.
You can do it.

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:47

@CombatBarbie

You rent in his name, get your son round, bag up his shit and leave it outside.
I did this 3 years ago and to be honest, as the police wouldn’t take it further, I am just waiting to die.
OP posts:
Champagne16378 · 26/05/2021 15:48

Op, it might help you to work out why you are scared of leaving, specifically. Be really specific, and think aboht what you could do to mitigate that. For example, if you're scared about having nowhere to live, you can have a plan of a) getting rehoused b) putting in notice on your current rental and finding another c) living with one of your children (even on the sofa) d) with your parents. All of these options are possible. If planning everything out makes you feel stronger to leave, please do it.

SoLongSister · 26/05/2021 15:48

OP you have been so brave to post here. A few more small steps like this and you would be free from this abuse.

You are worth more than you know. Please get some help to leave.

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:48

He is back now. Hopefully I can’t message later. I just want to thank you all for listening and taking the time to talk to me Flowers

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 26/05/2021 15:49

You can’t fix your relationship with your children today. I’d make this into a task for the future. Don’t think about it right now.

Now your son does not live with you, it is your opportunity to leave. I know it’s not easy (I lived in a women’s refuge, years ago) but putting it off won’t help!

I’d walk/drive off and phone women’s aid and say you have left and need a refuge to stay in. They may not have vacancies locally but that doesn’t matter for now. Over thinking it won’t help.

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:50

@SoLongSister

OP you have been so brave to post here. A few more small steps like this and you would be free from this abuse.

You are worth more than you know. Please get some help to leave.

Thank you, it means more than you’ll ever know ❤️
OP posts:
Motnight · 26/05/2021 15:51

Op your posts are heart breaking. Your children would never, ever get over you being murdered by your husband. You are important. You are worthy of living a good life free of fear and abuse.

Please keep posting if it helps.

Justcallmebebes · 26/05/2021 15:51

And how do you think your children will feel if he murders you?

Do you know that they will spend the rest of their life blaming themself for not finding a way to save you!

What you need to hear op, is: stop being so selfish. Yes. Selfish. You are wallowing in self pity to your own detriment just as you always have. Being a martyr.

If you truly feel you failed as a mother, stop failing now. Pick your ass up and get the fuck away from a man who has abused your kids.

You know what the biggest kick to your children is - you staying with their abuser. Not the failure of the police, not your failure to protect them back then. Your failure right now.

Get some damn self respect and grow a pair.
Get out of there.

Speak with womens aid, the police, the council to see what you are entitled to and reach out to anyone who is good and will support you. But most of all, get a grip and move your ass.

^ This. Harsh words but I agree with every one of them

It's never too late OP (I am not going to refer to you as Stupid). There is help out there if you genuinely want it. Do right by your kids and leave him. If your son is now in his own property why can't you go to a refuge now. My daughter did and spent a year in a hostel type place with 3 v young children. Hardest year but also the best decision she ever made

Notagain20 · 26/05/2021 15:52

Keep posting when you can, OP. There's always someone here. Many women in your position have been helped, bit by but, to find their way out. You've done one of the hardest parts, reaching out and being honest about how you feel. Keep posting whenever you can.

Original poster
Stupidandold · 26/05/2021 15:54

I am stupid and conditioned to accept the abuse. When I do try and hold my own I am reminded that it’s all my fault. 20 years, I’m done and honestly want to just fall off the face of the earth.
If you see anyone post that’s in the early stages, keep telling them it will affect their babies more than they will ever realise

OP posts:
pointythings · 26/05/2021 15:58

I don't know how old you are, but you are working and the tenancy is yours. You can and should go into a refuge, end the tenancy and then find a place of your own for a completely fresh start. Get the support you need to overcome your fear and take the rest of your life in both hands. You have insight and you know your fear is holding you back - by going into a refuge you will be accessing help with that. Once there, you can do the Freedom Programme and find yourself again. Flowers

Notagain20 · 26/05/2021 16:00

You might have been conditioned over the years to think you don't deserve better, but you're not stupid. Hundreds of thousands of women get trapped in abusive relationships and I bet you wouldn't condemn them all as stupid, and I promise you that with time and support you can learn to value yourself again.

If your daughter got herself tangled up in this sort of situation, would you think she was stupid and should stay until she is killed? I don't think you would because you care about her. We care about you, OP, you've clearly had an awful time at the hands of this guy and it's taken a toll on you. That's on him, not you.

What would you say to your daughter or a good friend in this situation? What would you most want the to know?

Notagain20 · 26/05/2021 16:03

But I do understand what it's like when you just feel you've had enough. Please hang on in there and take things a day at a time, or an hour at a time when it's really hard, and keep talking to us or Women's Aid. Are there any local domestic violence charities near you?