Need new friends, too tired and time-poor, is it too much to want company?

[clucks]

Of course, I feel that all mumsnetters are my friends, but I am short of parent-friends.

I fell pregnant very soon after getting married and moved house soon after the birth. This has meant things have changed for me in a very short space of time. I feel that I don't have any friends who have children of a similar age (or any children at all). Those that do, live too far away and have started afresh elsewhere. I don't unfortunately have that courage or the time. I haven't had to 'make' friends for a long time. The friends I had before were all single, wealthy and glamorous (but insecure about biological clock etc) and we have very little in common. In fact, they now mock my figure and baggy clothes and the fact that I don't go to bars/clubs anymore. I am envious of their sex lives and abundant cash.

DS goes to nursery and his best friend's mum is now my friend and we have been to their house once. But she works hard too and has as little energy as me and we just worry each other about the standards at the nursery and exorbitant fees.

To complicate matters, I have elderly parents nearby to look after and am constantly rushing around. I don't go to toddler groups because DS spends 10 hours at the nursery each day he is there and probably gets enough toddler contact.

Last year I met a girl with a child like mine in the park and socialised with her, when I say socialise, we went to the ball pool and parks together. She was very good for me as very positive and optimistic person, I hope she felt that I was good for her too! She is now moving away and I will lose my only local friend who is a mum.

I am now expecting no. 2 and feel that I really should have friends who I can see who have children/expectant. It shouldn't be too much to ask, afterall I have moved countries 3 times, travelled the world alone, picked up/dropped men. But can I be bothered to find ordinary companionship (of the healthiest kind)?

Living in London does make it difficult as people are different here and I am not very cliquey.
Some of you may suggest that I may not be bothered enough to make an effort. I suspect that too, but where do you start.

Please be honest with suggestion. Feeling a bit lost and lonely?

I was in a similar position in that all my friends moved away from me - was it something I said?

Anyway, I made new "baby friendly" friends through the NCT, firstly through 1st time antenatal classes and post natal support then I joined the local branch's committee and finally did refresher antenatal classes when expecting no.2.

You can find your local branch here if you're interested. You don't have to be a member to use their services.

You mentioned that we "may suggest that I may not be bothered enough to make an effort". Well, there will be a certain amount of effort involved in making new friends and you really only get out what you put in. I'm a very shy person and find it very difficult to make new friends (especially as I don't make myself known at mumsnet meets )

I'd recommend a local mother and toddler group not so your DS gets more toddler contact but for you to meet more local mums. It's generally only a couple of hours a week. You might need to try a few gropus til you find one that feels right - some may feel cliquey to start but give them a good go. I met a good friend through going to a toddler group.

Hope this helps!

Whereabouts in London are you?

The NCT is a great way of meeting new friends. Ring the local coordinator and ask about joining the committee, all branches will be having their AGM's soon and keen to have new people join in.

You can also ask about joining one of their coffee groups. Be blunt with who you speak to on the phone, tell them you haven't met as many people as you would have liked and you are keen to meet people as you are fairly new to the area.

Do you go to the park locally, get chatting with someone with a child of a similar age, start by asking if they know things to do in the area with a young child etc. If they seem nice arrange to meet them at the park again, swap numbers etc. HTH. R

Yes, whereabouts Clucks? I'm in London N4 if that's nearby you? I have tried myself to make friends with other mums from mums & toddlers, park etc but despite arranging meet-ups, exchanging phone numbers etc the willingness to keep up friendships doesn't seem to be there.

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Clucks, this isn't much of a consolation but you are not alone, this kind of topic has come up many times on Mumsnet. I have personally found this to be the most difficult part of my life to make friends - it was fairly easy to make friends at school, college, work, but as soon as ds arrived it has been a hard slog, and I have tried to put the effort in by joining parent and toddler groups, and Tumbletots.
I regret not joining NCT classes, but when I was pregnant I was working and still socialising with my friends at work (all without children) and I don't think it was pushed enough by HV etc. It would be nice now to have a small circle of friends with children the same age as ds to meet up with.
I would definitely consider doing a refresher NCT course, as Soupdragon suggested, and trying to get to a parent and toddler group if you can.
All the best - and let us know where exactly you are in London, there's plenty of us here!

Clucks, I sympathise with your position. It's not easy. I agree with what others say about the NCT being a good source of company. Join a refresher ante-natal class if you can, joining just to meet people is a valid reason. Coffee groups are usually fun and informal so I'd recommend them. And Toddler groups can be useful, perhaps ds could skip nursery sometimes to allow you both to go. My local NCT branch has a working mums group which has meetings in the evenings. If your local branch doesn't have such a group, you could start one!

Oh Clucks, I sympathise too. I moved area a couple of years ago and felt very alone at first. I met some nice people through a playgroup and through volunteering to be on the committee etc. I wasn't working then though and I am now and so don't have the time. Agree about going to a few toddler groups for you, not for ds: could you take him out of nursery to go? It is hard I know, I haven't got any time really to make new friends now so I'm lucky that I still have quite a lot of my old ones (although they're miles away and, like yours, some of them are glam, rich and childless) and enough new ones with kids to just about manage if I need some understanding adult company.

I met a woman I really got on with just before I left London and we met by me asking about her baby in the local shopping precinct (we were both sitting down watching some fountains). So I think you do have to talk to people with children in the park etc and hope some of them are potential friends. Good luck and yes, you do deserve friendships, I think we all need them.

Clucks, I posted something similar on here about two years ago (although I have not had the exciting cosmopolitan career you have ) and as a result have met up for coffee/toddler comparing/dinner with some local Mumsnet friends occasionally since. It has been really nice to do this and taken the edge off having my best friend over 600 miles away.
I am a Londoner too, also don't do toddler groups for many of the same reasons you cite, plus I currently work full-time.
I'd say, like MandyD, where in London are you? I think you are coming to Da Mario's in November, if I recall right? Bring a large piece of paper to write down e-mail addresses if so...
Really sympathise with the feeling of "what's the point of going to these groups when none of them seem to be bothered about staying in touch". I am actually an NCT member and very much in favour of its policies but its local support can be non-existent or even crappily cliquey, depending on who is on committee - and even that can vary from year to year. Refresher courses, if offered in your area, are an excellent idea though.

I sympathise, I really do. I am new to an area too and ds1, not yet 4 is living in his fourth house and third county! You'd think I'd be a pro, wouldn't you? Well I'm not but I can tell you a couple of things that have helped me.

I went to antenatal classes with ds2 as well as ds1 as I was in a new town and thought I would meet people. The group kept meeting after hv had long gone and I made very good friends with the 4 who I kept meeting with each week. In fact, I am still in contact with 2 of them even though I have moved again since.

I also persevered with a mums and tots group. Like someone else said, it is not just for ds but for company for you too. In fact, that is probably most of the reason I go. If you can and dare, get there 5 minutes early as it is easier to chat to a few people rather than walking in to a sea of unknown faces already sitting in their friendship groups. If you are early, people will notice you are new and chat to you before they sit down, then they are easier to sit with and join in with.

If you are not a Christian or happy to go to church this is no good but I find that Church is a good place to meet people. Especially good if you are near a church which has young children already in it. Then you can take ds to creche and maybe help out some weeks, join a home group, maybe, go to the church mums and tots group maybe.

Also, make sure you go where people with young children go...parks, play areas, Mothercare. Pick places which seem to be reasonably well used and keep going. It is surprisingly easy to chat at the end of a slide or in a ball pool.

I know I sound like a dodgy lurker but it works for me. Going to childreny places, looking generally friendly and be ready to say an opening line like, 'your dd looks about the same age as my ds' ' Your dd has very pretty hair' etc Dull I know but if someone responds in a friendly way, you can easily think up a follow up and - bingo - you're chatting.

Sorry if this is a lot of nonsense but 'lost and lonely' is not nice and I hope it doesn't last long.

Is anyone near N5? I work part-time & all the friends I made at NCT classes work when I am off & vice versa. The couple of old friends I have who have had babies are also at work when I have my days off (Tuesdays & Wednesdays). I am naturally very shy & although i can just about manage to strike up a conversation at the 2 o'clock club, I am very bad at the follow-through - I presume that noone would want to meet up with me again! I'm worried about winter...my ds should have more company than his boring old mum on long dark afternoons.

I should have added: ds is 13 months.

clucks

Every sympathy - I've been in my village three years now and am only just making local friends. Just to say agree with all that's been said - rhiannon is right about NCT committee. Your branch may meet in the evening and will be looking for new committee members after their forthcoming AGM.

You are pregnant so look upon this as an opportunity to meet mums. There are antenatal classes and postnatal groups (NCT and NHS). What about antenatal yoga or aqua-exercise?

Mother and toddler groups could work too. Maybe there's a parent committee you could join if you don't want to just turn up on your own.

What about the mum at nursery? If you have been to her house once could you invite her back to yours? She may well have friends whose company you would enjoy if you established your friendship with her.

Unfortunately I think it is a sad fact of life that you will have to make time, but the more time and effort you make the better the rewards will be.

Good luck!

I have every sympathy with you Clucks. I became pregnant shortly after my marriage too, and we moved house when I was 7 months pregnant. None of my friends were even married, let alone with children! I felt very lonely and sad for a long time afterwards. I joined various toddler-groups and though I found mums I could make small talk to, I found no-one I could call a friend. I did used to get picked up by a friend of a friend who had 2 children, she would take me back to her house and we would chat whilst the kids played, but then she went through a messy divorce and stopped contacting me.

Anyway, I perservered with the toddler groups and have just met a mum who is very friendly, each week now after toddler group I will go to her house for lunch and the next week she will come to mine. My daughter is now 27 months old, so it has taken the best part of 2 years to find a mum to talk to! And I have the advantage of not working!

The NCT is good, but again, you have to find someone you 'click' with and that is not easy. Homestart may also help, they will send a volunteer who will be matched up to your needs, that person will come and sit with you, chat, and generally be there for you. The volunteers are parents themselves who have been through similiar problems. I don't have the number with me but if you do a search on the 'Net they are sure to come up.

Just keep trying and keep perservering. The mum I go to lunch with was the one who approached me, I didn't approach her. I didn't even think she took an interest in me! Make time to say hello to other mums, you may not have to do the approaching yourself after that. Also don't tell people how busy you are as that will put them off inviting you anywhere. Always keep one afternoon or morning free in your week so that if someone does ask you round for a cup of tea, you can say "ohh lovely, I'm free Monday morning".

Hope it works out for you.

Yes yes yes to all that's been said, lots of sympathy re loneliness, glad its not just me!! I too seem to have lost all friends since I became a mum. Would say tho, that everyone mentions the NCT - sorry, but unless you're at home during the week they're no help really, they do nothing for parents who work full time. My child has just started school locally, up to now she's been at full time nursery 8 miles away (near our work) and I feel very daunted by these gangs of women outside school who all seem to know each other so well!! I'm just hoping that slowly - very slowly, I fear - I will get to know some local families through my daughter's friends.

I think being alone is a feeling a lot of us have. I work full time so I don't do school pick ups and, barring the odd lunch, don't really get chance to meet other mums, most of whom are really looking for someone to spend time with during the working week. I must admit I do feel I am missing out on "mummy world" (I get mine vicariously via mumsnet).

I'm in North London too (N1). Emmabee and MandyD (and any one else who is interested)do you fancy a mini North London meet up?

Barca, I work part-time and live in N4 so not a million miles away...how many are in your family?

Re: The NCT, all local branches are 'staffed' by volunteers. Every person you speak to at a local level is giving up their time for free to help you so not everything works perfectly all of the time unfortunately.

If you work full time and are prepared to become a volunteeer contact one of the organisers and say you'd like to set up a working mums group. They will be keen for you to get involved. The only thing you need to do is become a member which costs £36 PA you can pay this by credit card by calling 08709 90 80 40. HTH. R

I have worked 3 days a week since DS was 15 weeks and on those days he attends nursery for 9-10 hours so like your DS is getting plenty of toddler socialisation. However I attend a Mums and Tots almost religiously because I think it is important for us to socialise together and have made friends there. Not all that close but good for the occasional meet-up and natter. Also thinking long-term these are the local children that DS will be going to school with (both school and toddler venue less than 100 metres walk)not the children at nursery so hopefully this will help the transition for him to be that bit easier and I will know someone at the schoolgates/have someone to sit with at the nativity play etc. I know this is a bit long term since DS is only 19 mo!!!!

Bundle: 4 year old boy, 16 month girl plus bump due in December, plus DH of course!

wow, Barca, respect! I have 27 mth old girl, another (unknown sex) due in April

Empress, some NCT branches do have working parents groups and some also have weekend social events for all parents. As Rhiannon says, everything at local level is done by volunteer parents, mainly mums, so if working parents want a group for them, there is absolutely nothing to stop them seting one up - it really isn't a case of 'us and them'. I've done quite a lot of work as an NCT volunteer and believe that NCT branches can only be reflections of what its members are able and prepared to give in terms of time and effort.

I'm so glad that someone has posted this thread, because I feel exactly the same way. I have taken days to post on here, because I am so miserable about it, but am too shy. I am going to a M & T group tomorrow morning, because ds loves other children and I need to meet other mothers, but I am dreading it. I went to one in June, but no-one talked to me, and I ended up having to force myself on two women just to have someone to talk to. My ds loved being in the noisy environment, but he was the only child there who could not walk, and kept nearly getting trampled. Tomorrow's group splits into two, walkers and non-walkers, so I can go into the latter. So, ds should be alright, but I am hoping that someone actually talks to me, as I think I might cry otherwise!

I have two local 'friends' who have children, but only see them about once a month each, as we are not best buddie type friends. I see a lot of my mum, and my dh works from home, so it is not like I never see anyone but ds, but I am still lonely. I started an evening class recently, and that is good, but there is no-one there who I could see in the day time. I don't want to go back to work, because I don't want to leave ds, and I am in the lucky position of being able to afford not to go back to work.

I am the sort of person who comes across as stuck up, because I am shy but can put a bit of a front on it. When people get to know me, they realise that I am not stuck up, but no-one seems to want to be good friends with me. I think that maybe I try too hard to be friendly, instead of relaxing, and I also worry too much whether people like me or not. What a wuss I sound.

I don't really want advice, but just wanted to let others know that they are not the only lonely ones there. It is hard being a SAHM, even though the rewards are great.

Chinchilla - good luck for tomorrow. I know it is hard to break into a Mums and Tots group and I am now looking at it from feeling guilty about the other side of not talking to new mums who come. I always mean to but the two hours does somehow seem to fly by. Because who knows ... that new Mum might be the one that I really click with rather than just get on OK. I sometimes feel a bit odd in that I work and most of those I met at first did not. Although there are a few more who do now. Don't feel bad about forcing yourself onto the other Mums either - there's no harm done.