Need new friends, too tired and time-poor, is it too much to want company?

[clucks]

Of course, I feel that all mumsnetters are my friends, but I am short of parent-friends.

I fell pregnant very soon after getting married and moved house soon after the birth. This has meant things have changed for me in a very short space of time. I feel that I don't have any friends who have children of a similar age (or any children at all). Those that do, live too far away and have started afresh elsewhere. I don't unfortunately have that courage or the time. I haven't had to 'make' friends for a long time. The friends I had before were all single, wealthy and glamorous (but insecure about biological clock etc) and we have very little in common. In fact, they now mock my figure and baggy clothes and the fact that I don't go to bars/clubs anymore. I am envious of their sex lives and abundant cash.

DS goes to nursery and his best friend's mum is now my friend and we have been to their house once. But she works hard too and has as little energy as me and we just worry each other about the standards at the nursery and exorbitant fees.

To complicate matters, I have elderly parents nearby to look after and am constantly rushing around. I don't go to toddler groups because DS spends 10 hours at the nursery each day he is there and probably gets enough toddler contact.

Last year I met a girl with a child like mine in the park and socialised with her, when I say socialise, we went to the ball pool and parks together. She was very good for me as very positive and optimistic person, I hope she felt that I was good for her too! She is now moving away and I will lose my only local friend who is a mum.

I am now expecting no. 2 and feel that I really should have friends who I can see who have children/expectant. It shouldn't be too much to ask, afterall I have moved countries 3 times, travelled the world alone, picked up/dropped men. But can I be bothered to find ordinary companionship (of the healthiest kind)?

Living in London does make it difficult as people are different here and I am not very cliquey.
Some of you may suggest that I may not be bothered enough to make an effort. I suspect that too, but where do you start.

Please be honest with suggestion. Feeling a bit lost and lonely?

Chinchilla, good luck too for tomorrow. Smile and be yourself and you might meet someone you like. If you don't though, could you try another group? I do sympathise.

Yes, good luck Chinchilla - you sound a lot like me actually.

Give the new M&T group a few goes before making your mind up about it. One that has a separate non-walker section sounds ideal as the mothers you see there will have similar aged babies.

Barca, Emmabee and Bundle: I don't work but can't really get out in the evenings. DS (3½ is at playgroup any 4 days out of 5 so flexible there. I have a couple of suggestions of places to meet, maybe. At one end of the area is the Jamboree Playhuts near the Seven Sisters Road entrance to Finsbury Park (opposite KFC!) or at the other end of the area (nearer to N1) is Highbury Fields. There's a playground/sandpit which HomeStart use at the Highbury Crescent end, or right in the middle lies the One O'clock Club. Any preferences?

Just read this thread and rings so many bells it's untrue- I work 4 days a week and have found it hard to meet mum friends in London- I meet someone once in the park and then never bump into them again!
Would love to meet up with other mumsnetters in Highbury or Finsbury park - hope I won't be gatecrashing!
(PS DD is nearly 3)

It's me to a tee !!!

However - I was lucky that one of my NHS antenatal friends was involved in a toddler group and asked me (well all of us) to go along - now the older children have gone to school so it's just our antenatal group really !

A new lady joined us last week and I learned a few lessons from her which may be useful to you guys out there - although she is a bit shy she made a real effort - she arrived smiling and looking happy, which made me remember that I always look sulky (can appear stuck up/ stand offish as others have said) - and she made a point of talking to people - just little comments like "Isn't your little girl's hair pretty", "I love those tights - where did you get them?" type comments, but it got her into the group. Also - she really mucked in and helped clear up - that went down really well - lots of new people don't know what to do so don't do anything - but mucking in was really effective. Anyway - maybe this will help someone !

I'm beginning to think that we're all lonely - I suppose we wouldn't be on here otherwise ? Thank God for Mumsnet !!!

Maybe we're all lonely because we spend too long on Mumsnet and not enough out in the Real World

Speaking of which, the Real World calls and I have to tear myself away to go to my Mother and Toddler group...

That's very true SoupDragon - it's the chicken and egg thing isn't it - am I lonely because I spend too long on Mumsnet or do I spend too long on Mumsnet because I'm lonely ?

Definitely the latter for me as I am supposed to be working - and being self-employed consultant I can't bill for all the hours I spend on here !!

Not only should I get a life - I should do some work !!! Boo Hiss again !

Well, I went! The women were really friendly, so I will go back. Didn't realise about the clearing up though, and left a few minutes early as ds was being a bit exuberant! So I hope that I haven't upset anyone!

Ds loved being there, but spent the whole time crawling manically around, charging through anyone who was in his way, and pushing a couple of smaller children over. He's not naughty, but was a bit overexcited, and he's too young to explain that you don't push other people. He also has a real liking for throwing toys behind him and swinging them round, without realising that someone could be behind him to be clonked round the head! So, I spent the whole time apologising for him. The other mums were really good about it, and they all said not to worry, but I was so embarrassed that I nearly cried (my God!) When I said that perhaps I shouldn't come back, they all said that I should. I will go back, but can't understand why all the other children played nicely when mine was so overexcited.

Maybe he'll be calmer next time, because he'll know the room a bit better? At last he was a happy little soul...well, until he banged his bonce on the floor and cried!

I feel a bit better now, and a bit more positive that some of these women may become friends. Even if they don't, at least they are nice to talk to one morning a week. It was hard making myself go though, and the real test will be next week. I hope that I don't wimp out!

Well done Chincilla - the first time is definitely the hardest ! Don't worry about not clearing up - it's only a problem if you never ever help clear up ! There's a nanny at our group who has never volunteered for tea or craft duties and always leaves early to (or so it seems) avoid clearing up ! She isn't popular - but I don't think she's looking for friends !

Don't worry about your ds's overexuberance either - all mum's are used to it - so don't feel you have to keep apologising.

Glad it went well !

Oh - one more thing !! It will probably take weeks and weeks to become part of the group - and it's a fine line between appearing too pushy and being too casual - (one that I can't get right !) - but maybe you could offer to help organise something (a painting session etc), you could have a chat with the organisers and see if they've had any meetings to discuss the group lately (make sure she doesn't think you're criticising - just being interested in getting fully involved) and you could suggest meeting up for a meal one evening - we did this lately - a curry night, and we found that everyone was up for a night out !

Alternatively - if there's anything to celebrate - a birthday whatever, why not ask a few mums round for tea one morning ! the worst thing that could happen is that no-one turns up - and that nearly happened to me once so I know how it feels ! (ask one of your other friends too so you're not alone !) - even if there's nothing to celebrate you could always say that dh enjoyed the session so much that you thought it would be nice for him to have some of his new friends around to play - most people are glad to have somewhere to go to be honest !

Hope this helps ?

Well done Chinchilla!

Suggesting a craft activity generally goes down well. The main organiser of "my" group is always on the look out for ideas, especially if you can bring all the bits with you (I once took cardboard fish, glue and silver foil cut into squares and we made shiny fish to hang on string)

For my part, today I made an effort to engage a Newcomer to our group in conversation.

There are more of us than I thought!

Emmabee, Bundle, Beejay and MandyD (and anyone else in the area who is interested!). I'd love to meet up. I can usually escape during the day with a bit of planning ahead unless things are very busy at work when I might have to cancel at the last minute. Round about lunchtimes or late afternoons are easiest. If it proves impossible to get us all together at once maybe we could meet up in ones or twos.

I know where the sandpit at Highbury Fields is. Don't know the other areas you mentioned MandyD but I'm sure I could find them if anyone strongly prefers somewhere else. I drive so nowhere is really a problem.

Wednesday 16th looks pretty good for me at the moment. Any other suggestions? How do we identify each other - do we all dress our children in red?

My home email is [email protected] (don't ask - you can see DH is the technological one in our family).

Chinchilla good luck with the group and do persevere. I joined a NCT group and have to admit I felt really left out I stuck at it for a few months and even took leave from my job to go to the meets but gave up in the end. I think the main problem was that this particular group was very well established there was a core of mothers who all knew each other and would arrange to meet for lunch, ring each other and have private jokes etc. It was very off putting to anyone not part of the cliche, two other new mothers I've stayed friends with left almost straight away. Another mother did stick at it and has become a part of the core group, although I'm genuinely pleased for her I feel a bit sad she never contacts me anymore because her social activities revolve around the group of which I'm not a member. I've subsequently met other mothers that I briefly met in the group who basically all said the same thing about this core group. I'm not saying this to put anyone off I think that some of us were a bit unlucky with this particualar group and possibly joined at the wrong time. I do think that once established in a group its sometimes easy to forget that the new kid on the block need a little more encouragement.

It's just like being back at school isn't it!! Trying to get into the "in" crowd etc.

Chinchilla - cool, you did it, & I'm sure you'll make friends - you sound like someone I'd like to be friends with anyway!!
Scuba - hmm, yes, your NCT experience sounds v like mine, although I wasn't able to go to many meetings, just when on mat. leave. nobody spoke to me & I felt like I was killing myself with the effort of trying to make conversation!! (maybe they all thought I was a postnatally depressed nutcase!)

Yes, the NCT can be a bit "cliquey" but the ones who aren't like that are the ones who are worth getting to know.

That's really nice Empress, thank you. I try to be my true self on here, because there is no need to worry about airing your actual opinions when no-one knows you, like you do face to face. So, it's nice to think that someone actually thinks that they would like the real me!

I totally agree with the school comment. Although at school I was friends with the 'in' girls, I was always on the edge of the group, and never really fitted in properly. It has left me with an inate hatred of cliquey/bitchy women. My sil actually offered ages ago for me to go to M & T group with her and her friends, but a) I knew that I would never make my own friends if I went with her and, b) She can be really catty, and I don't want people to think that of me, which they might if they associated me with her.

I will find out about clearing up next week. The comment about the craft ideas is good, but I don't think it applies to this group. When ds goes on to the one for toddlers it might, because today they were having songs, so it sounds a bit more 'active' than the baby one. So, I'll bear it in mind for then.

Thanks for all the encouragement girls. I knew I could rely on you all!

Chinchilla, I had been going to my toddler group for a year before I made a friend. Until then I just exchanged niceities with other mums. My dd was opposite to yours, she clung onto my legs, wanted to sit on my knee, wouldn't play with the other children and wouldn't play with any of the toys unless I was there alongside her, which made communicating with other mums just as difficult. She still does that now, but she's getting a little better. There were weeks I didn't want to go, but getting out of the house and doing something for 2 hours, was worth it rather than staying indoors with a bored child. The friend I made was a mum who actually approached me, as I'm just as shy as you are and haven't a clue what to say to people! I hadn't been for a few weeks as I had gotten depressed and couldn't bring myself to go. When I did go she came up to me and asked where I had been - saying she had missed me! She even remembered a brief conversation I had had with her about builders working on my house. She was quite chatty and I found it easy talking to her. The next week she invited me and dd over to hers for lunch afterwards. The next week I invited her to mine, and so it continues... So never give up hope, it may take some time, and these women may not be the friends you hope for, but the group will have new members from time to time, so eventually you will find someone you 'click' with. And you will be in a good position to talk to new members as you will know exactly how they are feeling!

I can't believe so many people feel the same way... I have the same problem as many of you in that my shyness makes me appear stuck-up.
Anyway, if we can pluck up the courage to speak to eachother, I am able to meet at Highbury Fields sandpit next Wednesday (16th). Late afternoon (between 3 & 5) is best for me.
(I am quaking even just proposing this arrangement!)

Ho Ho Ho - just had a vision then of a park full of mumsnetters all too shy to speak to anyone else ! We need some sort of secret badge to wear so we can recognise each other !

It's great having cyber friends - even if they do laugh at your music tastes sometimes !

Highbury fields sandpit sounds good- I for one will be hiding behind a tree until it seems 'safe'

Only joking. Will be wearing a stripey scarf and brown boots ( no comments about dress sense please!)

Highbury fields sandpit sounds good- I for one will be hiding behind a tree until it seems 'safe'

Only joking. Will be wearing a stripey scarf and brown boots ( no comments about dress sense please!)

That's fine with me too! I will be wearing dodgy blue and white Nike trainers, black trousers and a grey fleece or denim jacket depending on the weather! Hope its not a heatwave Beejay, or you'll look a bit daft in your scarf...

So that just leaves Bundle to confirm then - I thinks she said on the other thread (Other Subjects, North London meet up) that she works on Wednesdays tho

Dunno what I'll be wearing but my ds will be the curly blondish one hugging older children...
I'll probably have a lilac-y scarf on.

Thank you all.

I will research M & T thing. I live in SW19 (highest birth rate in Europe apparently, but a bit snotty, I think). I am a chatty person but shy to begin with. Whilst being incredibly beautiful (will have to avoid meet-ups then!!) can look a bit off, probably because I am always tired. I have read in the local family rag that a lot of these groups have waiting lists. Perhaps you have to do a test or something, or are they just the best ones to go to?

I have to do something for my sanity and my son's sake as he does find me boring....even when trying to be interactive and a good parent. I feel sorry for DH too, because he is probably short of male friends too. Our house is such a tip, I am embarrassed to ask anyone round just yet. Let the exterior fool them first.

Thanks again, I will make an effort especially with my history of PND which some of you may have seen on other threads, I want lots of friends in time for then... not being funny. I think this was part of the problem last time round.

Will update regularly, I love mumsnet. Wish I had a computer job so I could do this all day.