Husband left me and I’m in bits

[pixiepoo99]

Hi lovelies... first post on here and feeling very fragile at the moment.

DH had been strange with me for the last 6 weeks - distant and then crying uncontrollably saying that he doesn’t have an identity anymore and didn’t know what he wants in life. I asked if it was a problem with us and he said it’s ‘everything’ in life. I thought maybe depression/early mid life crisis. This carried on for a few more weeks of weird behaviour/staying out late/drinking a lot.

3 weeks ago he went away on his own for the weekend to have ‘time to think things through’ and returned on the Monday without his wedding ring on saying that he needs to be out of the relationship for his mental health and that I’ve treated him like crap for years and we no longer want the same things or make each other happy.
This absolutely hit me like a train.

I have not been easy to live with... my hormones are always up and down, I’m depressed, I’m always trying to make everything perfect for everyone but go about it the wrong way and then get really sad when it goes wrong, and my temper can go 0-100. I’m always hugely apologetic afterwards but I can’t seem to hold it in.

I have a full time job which pays for the house and all bills. He is self employed so we ‘live’ off his money as it fluctuates each month. I do all the ‘life admin’ stuff... all paperwork/money/grown up stuff, he does the cooking.
He works hard in a physical job, and is overall a fantastic husband. He is there for me when s**t hits the fan and is always able to balance me out, he has completely been my emotional crutch over the years which must have taken a toll on him altho he always appears to be Teflon coated.

Over the last few years I’ve become increasingly upset that he doesn’t seem interested in me... hes always on his phone, very secretive with it (I was never allowed near it), obsessed with social media, didn’t want to socialise with me in the evenings, and certainly never ever wants to talk.
I like to talk about our relationship and make sure everything is ok but he gets frustrated and will ignore me/give me the silent treatment if he doesn’t want to give a proper answer. I think we often both feel undervalued by each other. I try all the time to find fun things to do together, weekends away, walks etc but he doesn’t seem very interested in my company, certainly not if I try and talk!

I’ve been so upset over the last two months as his behaviour has changed - more distant, ‘popping out’ and not coming back until late. Working long hours to avoid being at home, rolling over in bed with his back to me while he’s on his phone. He has been confiding in female ‘friend’ that he met at work for the last few months and when I saw a message pop up on his phone he quickly swiped it away and said he didn’t want me to see the messages/he didn’t want to hurt me.
It transpires that he has opened up to her about our relationship issues and she is supporting him through this as a friend.
I also found out that she was with him on his weekend away camping to ‘think things through’ that absolutely broke my heart.

He says they are just friends but he moved out of our house after his announcement and I’ve found out that he is currently staying with her and her young son. I asked him and he said she is ‘one of the lads’ and is just good company to support him through all of this.

I have never experienced heartbreak before and I am totally overwhelmed by it... I cannot shake the guilt that I have totally ruined his life and the only way out was to leave me/our house/our future (we were due to start IVF in the next few months)

I’ve driven him away and he was the best thing that ever happened to me... how do you cope and carry on forward? He’s unwilling to give things a second chance and it’s absolutely killing me, I’ve booked in for counselling and on anti depressants from the doctor but I can’t imagine a life without him. Does this pain ever end? Xxx

@KatePrice

Hi OP, Sorry you are going through this. Obviously you have a lot to cope with. It is probably worth looking at the situation from all angles though, to hopefully improve your future happiness. There could for example be numerous reasons why you are having issues with your hormones etc. I'm sure it would be worth investigating further. Possibilities could include endometriosis, severe PMT, early menopause etc. Good luck x

I'm sure that super reassuring to a woman who was due to start ivf

Seriously, she not a friend,shes his new girl friend. Secret messages that you can't see, weekend away with no wedding ring, moved straight into hers.

You aren't at fault he is

He wasn't the best thing for you

A best thing wouldn't cheat

@Clymene

No one deserves to be cheated on. Blaming someone for their husband fucking another woman is really low and s what leads to women doing the pick me dance rather than realising their husband is a lying cheating piece of scum.

Are you for real? Nobody has blamed the OP, have you actually bothered to read the comments instead of twisting peoples comments?

As others have pointed out, if roles were reversed and the OP had come on saying that her H had a terrible temper etc and as a result they had drifted apart but that she’d met someone else who she got on better with etc the advice would be to LTB. Are you seriously suggesting that women should be able to treat their husbands badly and that they should just put up with it? There is a lot of bitterness on here when it comes to affairs which doesn’t match real life. It’s a fact that most people line up someone else before leaving a relationship so there are clearly a lot of either deluded or hypocritical people on here!
OP, I wish you all the best and I hope you move on from this and realise that you deserve better.

Thanks all for the comments... even the brutal ones no seriously though I see where you are coming from @DateXY but crikey I’m not sure I’d describe myself as an angry, toxic person. I do have a short temper when things get on top of me and I worry/overthink A LOT... we’re not talking every night throwing plates across the kitchen though. Maybe once every couple of months I let stuff get on top of me, more crying than shouting. But so does the DH - he gets angry, has road rage and if someone pissed him off in the pub he’d use his fists instead of words (he’s ex army - most def not a wallflower) but he’s not a talker... not at all... and I am the exact opposite, I talk through all of my emotions to not bottle up anything. I’m also a perfectionist, again the complete opposite of him and it drives him mad.

Anyway.. my conclusion from all of this is yes, our relationship didn’t actually seem as solid/happy as I thought it was and we have both played a part in its demise. It’s sad to reflect and realise that but I think I needed to... I’ve spent weeks reflecting through rose tinted glasses instead

I have my counselling and Anti Ds to focus on over the next few months and trying to make a better me

The thought of losing my home, being divorced in my mid-thirties and trying to start all over again is all absolutely terrifying to me though
How do you go out and date again when he’s all you’ve ever really known!? It feels like cheating just thinking about it arrrggghh

@pixiepoo99

Thanks all for the comments... even the brutal ones no seriously though I see where you are coming from *@DateXY* but crikey I’m not sure I’d describe myself as an angry, toxic person. I do have a short temper when things get on top of me and I worry/overthink A LOT... we’re not talking every night throwing plates across the kitchen though. Maybe once every couple of months I let stuff get on top of me, more crying than shouting. But so does the DH - he gets angry, has road rage and if someone pissed him off in the pub he’d use his fists instead of words (he’s ex army - most def not a wallflower) but he’s not a talker... not at all... and I am the exact opposite, I talk through all of my emotions to not bottle up anything. I’m also a perfectionist, again the complete opposite of him and it drives him mad.

Anyway.. my conclusion from all of this is yes, our relationship didn’t actually seem as solid/happy as I thought it was and we have both played a part in its demise. It’s sad to reflect and realise that but I think I needed to... I’ve spent weeks reflecting through rose tinted glasses instead

I have my counselling and Anti Ds to focus on over the next few months and trying to make a better me

The thought of losing my home, being divorced in my mid-thirties and trying to start all over again is all absolutely terrifying to me though
How do you go out and date again when he’s all you’ve ever really known!? It feels like cheating just thinking about it arrrggghh

OP I have to say it, I'm bloody proud of you lady! You have had a mixed bag of replies here, some good, some useful and I bet some real truthful ones, and you've taken them, and you've been very honest in your replies. That's often tough to do. I bet you feel like you've gone through an emotional wringer throughout today ( well many days/ weeks too) but one good thing to come out of today is, you've gained another way of looking at this situation. When you first posted, you were carrying all of the guilt/responsibility/blame for your marriage ending, now you've realised it wasn't all your fault. That's good, because it wasn't just down to you, and you need to hold on to that. It's very hard now to look at all of your dreams in shreds, but you will get through this, and believe me you will. Try now to be kind to yourself, you've got counselling in place, medication, family and friends, if you need to have a bloody good cry, have one. If you feel angry, pound a cushion. Can't settle? Put some music on, dance around the kitchen, or sing along and give it all you've got... Get those feelings and emotions out. Feel like a new hairstyle? Go give it a go! You've not got him to be there for you now, but you can be there for yourself. Just think of it this way, is he there breaking his heart thinking of you? No! So try and distract yourself when it comes to thinking of him ( I know that's easier said than done, but everyday it'll get easier ) You can do this, your not the first woman to have her heart broken, and you won't be the last... We get through! It's not the done thing to give hugs on Mumsnet, but I pay no mind to that. (((Hugs to you))) xxx

First thing, get some support for your mental health, be it getting assessed to see if you have bipolar, Autism, whatever. Then when you are feeling stronger, get to a solicitor & start divorce proceedings, get in first before he does & divorce him on grounds of adultery, the one good thing with adultery is that if he admits it the divorce is straightforward, you will have to sort finances but that part won't change much for you as you are already paying everything anyway, you will just have to sort the house if you will buy him out or sell the house & split the proceeds. Not having children will mean you can have a clean break from him. Don't think that you won't be able to have children, lots of women have ivf with donar sperm when they are single. You can do this & you will come out the other side a lot happier, it will just take time.

I’ve woken up with terrible anxiety today. Please tell me this gets easier?
Each morning I wake up and It’s that awful sinking feeling that this is real and actually happening and I can’t shake the feeling for hours, makes me not want to get out of bed or do anything. Does this feeling fade? I’m 3 weeks into this now and im exhausted

It’s grief , just like if someone died and you woke up and remembered. There’s always that spilt second when you wake and don’t realise. It will get easier but takes some time.
Make sure you’re eating and drinking to get your strength up. The anti ds should kick in in a few weeks and take the edge off . Keep talking on here and to rl friends

Also I imagine the fertility stuff is at the back of your mind. Having struggled myself - I always advise friends to freeze their eggs. It will hopefully take some time pressure off. Not right now obviously but when you’re feeling stronger

I can imagine that he would feel like an utter shit either way (whether he had ended the marriage before had met this woman or done what he has now). People do not think nice people end relationships due to being unable to handle the others poor mental health. But he has done it. Let him go.

wizzy

Well, he's been an utter shit hasn't he. Nice people don't do this, you're quite right. I would let this thread go if I were you, you don't seem to have kept up.

@pixiepoo99 Sending hugs for today. Three weeks is no time after what 17 years of a relationship (if I remember correctly, apologies if not).
Yes, it does get easier. Yes, there will still be days, maybe months from now when the hurt wells up again, but they will pass just the same. You will get through this and come out the other side a better and stronger person.

@pixiepoo99 how are things now? Better I hope

Hi @ComingToGetUBarbara thanks for checking in :)

My anti D’s haven’t kicked in yet as far as I can see, but I have started my counselling and eating/sleeping much better than I was! So there is definitely progress. But I still wake every day with that ‘kick in the stomach’ feeling and I continue to have some really dark days when I’m going over and over negative thoughts which is so draining.
I’ve never been through heartbreak before and my god I can’t believe how horrendous it is.
There have been more developments with the OW (so much secrecy and web of lies over the last month) which is slowing the healing process down quite a bit. My H still won’t admit to anything going on despite him currently staying with her and going for weekends away together (she is just a “friend”) I can’t see what he has to lose by being honest but I think it might be because he doesn’t want to appear as the bad guy, and solely wants all the reasons to be on me. He’s very nice/supportive to my face, but pretty bitter and angry behind my back which is pretty horrid.

I can’t go full NC with him due to the house, finances and the dog. But I’m trying really hard to make it longer periods of time between contact now. Still pining for him though which I know is totally pathetic

Really sorry you’re going through this and don’t be so hard on yourself

He's been speaking to her for ages, he went to see her to see if she was worth leaving you for and came back and up his made he isn't worth anymore energy tbh

made up his mind**

I went through similar in January ex of nearly 6 years started acting f*cking mental and I had to end it was horrendous in the beginning but keep busy, get on dating and friend sites to distract you and set personal goals , look to completely cut him from your life asap

Hi op,

So he's a denier, will say black is white and hopes to go out of the relationship on a white horse whilst laying all the blame at your feet for having 'mental issues'.

Well how about this, you don't have personality issues he does, he's a lying cheating bastard who hasn't the decency to tell the truth and own up to his selfish shitty behaviour.

Do not for one minute accept his waffle, he's a bullshitter who needs to be told to fuck off. How dare he make you further unwell by distorting your reality.
Find your anger Pixie, your stomach pain is the gut - brain connection, you taking a hit with all that anxiety and depression being internalised.

Look after youself, rest and re build your strength, take time and don't get upset with youself, healing takes time but you will get better and stronger.
Stop him pacifying you, he want's it easy, play hard and don't make excuses for him to others or yourself, believe nothing he says and treat him like the nobody he is.
Hold your head up lovely, you deserve much better.
x

What a cretin he is 🌸

Thank you.. I needed to read these this morning.
My depression wasn’t in a good place before he did this and now I just feel like I won’t ever be able to put one foot in front of the other again. Some days are so dark.
He was more than a husband to me, he was also my bestfriend/confidant/safe place and always gave a bit of positive to my negative. I feel totally and utterly lost without him and realise how just how much I revolved my life/existence around him. He said the other day that he doesn’t understand why I’m finding this so hard considering the problems in our marriage. The reason is I wanted to work on them and save it.
He knows how important he is to me but to see him act in this way is beyond hurtful and I wonder if I will ever get over it.

My mum is recovering from cancer and my dad has a few months to live with pancreatic cancer, my job that I’ve had for 10years is currently at risk of redundancy this year.
I’m losing my home and my husband and my future baby that we were trying so hard for.
I know this post sounds so negative and moany...but at the moment I honestly don’t know if I have the strength to get through all this

Gosh, this all seems really tough, @pixiepoo99

He has clearly been cheating and is obviously a rather filthy liar. You are better off shot of him, this is going to be hard but you deserve better than an emotionally stunted man-child.

Hoping things get easier soon

OP he is totally minimising what he's done because he can't deal with the impact on you. My ex said something similar..."stop being so dramatic, I only left you". Except he left me with no money and an autistic toddler that I had in my 40's after immense pressure from him. OW also decided to chip in and abuse me at every opportunity. By demonising me, the totally innocent party, they could justify themselves.

My advice to you is to keep contact to an absolute minimum. He's not going to give you the answers you want. I spent YEARS trying to get closure that never came. The impact on my physical and mental health has been life changing. Step away from this triangular situation. I know it's hard, I know it feels impossible. However, for you to rebuild you must

@Baws

The terrible advice on here where it comes to affairs never ceases to amaze me. OP is being very reflective in acknowledging her part in the marital problems rather than just blaming her DH. Of course it isn’t all his fault, it’s ludicrous to suggest that it is and this won’t help the OP move on and learn from this in future relationships. I’m divorced and in my 40s, I’ve seen lots of friends, family and acquaintances go through divorces etc and not one has just left the marriage without having at least had their head turned by someone else. Rightly or wrongly this is human nature and affairs are generally a symptom and not the cause of a marriage break up. They are not bad people just because they were unhappy and found love elsewhere! The Victorian attitudes on here are laughable sometimes. In the majority of cases people in happy relationships don’t have affairs. I’m saying this as someone who was cheated on in my marriage. Op your marriage doesn’t sound like it was happy, you had just grown apart. Work on your issues, accept your part in the break up and I’m sure you’ll move on and be much happier.

Bilge. Her husband had an affair. If her husband was unhappy the fair and respectful thing to do would be to talk about it and see if there was a way of getting things back on track - to work on the marriage. Instead of doing that, her husband sought a relationship and is now balls deep in another woman. This is a betrayal of the marriage vows. The OP may have played a part in him being unhappy, but she is absolutely not the cause of his affair.