Husband left me and I’m in bits

[pixiepoo99]

Hi lovelies... first post on here and feeling very fragile at the moment.

DH had been strange with me for the last 6 weeks - distant and then crying uncontrollably saying that he doesn’t have an identity anymore and didn’t know what he wants in life. I asked if it was a problem with us and he said it’s ‘everything’ in life. I thought maybe depression/early mid life crisis. This carried on for a few more weeks of weird behaviour/staying out late/drinking a lot.

3 weeks ago he went away on his own for the weekend to have ‘time to think things through’ and returned on the Monday without his wedding ring on saying that he needs to be out of the relationship for his mental health and that I’ve treated him like crap for years and we no longer want the same things or make each other happy.
This absolutely hit me like a train.

I have not been easy to live with... my hormones are always up and down, I’m depressed, I’m always trying to make everything perfect for everyone but go about it the wrong way and then get really sad when it goes wrong, and my temper can go 0-100. I’m always hugely apologetic afterwards but I can’t seem to hold it in.

I have a full time job which pays for the house and all bills. He is self employed so we ‘live’ off his money as it fluctuates each month. I do all the ‘life admin’ stuff... all paperwork/money/grown up stuff, he does the cooking.
He works hard in a physical job, and is overall a fantastic husband. He is there for me when s**t hits the fan and is always able to balance me out, he has completely been my emotional crutch over the years which must have taken a toll on him altho he always appears to be Teflon coated.

Over the last few years I’ve become increasingly upset that he doesn’t seem interested in me... hes always on his phone, very secretive with it (I was never allowed near it), obsessed with social media, didn’t want to socialise with me in the evenings, and certainly never ever wants to talk.
I like to talk about our relationship and make sure everything is ok but he gets frustrated and will ignore me/give me the silent treatment if he doesn’t want to give a proper answer. I think we often both feel undervalued by each other. I try all the time to find fun things to do together, weekends away, walks etc but he doesn’t seem very interested in my company, certainly not if I try and talk!

I’ve been so upset over the last two months as his behaviour has changed - more distant, ‘popping out’ and not coming back until late. Working long hours to avoid being at home, rolling over in bed with his back to me while he’s on his phone. He has been confiding in female ‘friend’ that he met at work for the last few months and when I saw a message pop up on his phone he quickly swiped it away and said he didn’t want me to see the messages/he didn’t want to hurt me.
It transpires that he has opened up to her about our relationship issues and she is supporting him through this as a friend.
I also found out that she was with him on his weekend away camping to ‘think things through’ that absolutely broke my heart.

He says they are just friends but he moved out of our house after his announcement and I’ve found out that he is currently staying with her and her young son. I asked him and he said she is ‘one of the lads’ and is just good company to support him through all of this.

I have never experienced heartbreak before and I am totally overwhelmed by it... I cannot shake the guilt that I have totally ruined his life and the only way out was to leave me/our house/our future (we were due to start IVF in the next few months)

I’ve driven him away and he was the best thing that ever happened to me... how do you cope and carry on forward? He’s unwilling to give things a second chance and it’s absolutely killing me, I’ve booked in for counselling and on anti depressants from the doctor but I can’t imagine a life without him. Does this pain ever end? Xxx

Two weeks before his announcement we went and ordered a new sofa and we planted £££ worth of plants in the garden for summer next year.

My friend’s dh signed for a home with her to renovate and a week later checked out of the marriage because he had another woman.

Don’t take the blame for your dh’s behaviour, you could be the perfect partner and he may still have left.

@pixiepoo99
Really? Omg! What on earth goes through their heads, Id like to think I could never do that

I’ve been so wrapped up in the same person for so long (together since we were 18) that i have no experience of relationships, there’s a lot I am learning right now! I wish I was a tough cookie :(

When we see other now he varies from being excrutiatingly awkward to being really caring and hugs me if I look sad and has a few tears. I think it is guilt, and wanting to make sure I don’t have some kind of extreme mental breakdown because of this

OP I think he feels very guilty about this (quite rightly) and he went ahead with the TTC and buying the puppy so that you wouldn’t be alone when he left. I know another marriage where the husband did exactly the same thing.

I think he sounds absolutely awful.

His stories don't add up. He hasn't been nice to you. He's fed you contradictory messages to the point that you've been gaslit.

I honestly don't think that anyone who behaves like this is worth being with. Like everyone else, I think he has a lot more going on with this woman than he's admitting and is re-writing the history of your relationship to place the blame on you, rather than have a light shone on his own behaviour and feelings.

As you say, he wouldn't have made so many plans for the future with you if this was all really on the horizon. Putting you through the emotional turmoil of IVF prep with a secret plan to exit the relationship is just appalling.

You shouldn't have been treated like this. You really, really don't need a 'second chance' with someone like this. From the sounds of it, he didn't give you any opportunity to know what was going on in the relationship from his perspective, then turns around and blames you as if he had been giving regular update and you ignored them! That simply didn't happen! He chose to complain to someone who he's gone off with. There's a word for that!

Not a nice person, I'm sorry.

What on earth goes through their heads
Nothing. They think with their dicks.

You're hearing 'the script'.

It isn't you, it's him, he's making it all your fault.

Someone told me that men turn into sharks.

@namechangingforthis19586 Hmm yes sometimes I need to see a post like this to remove my rose tinted glasses and get a bit of perspective from torturing myself.

He’s been liking this woman’s Instagram posts for years (I noticed it was only the ones where she’s posing) and it’s really hurt me that he’s been confiding in her. I have no issue him confiding in friends but I thought he might pick one of his close friends. This just felt different and you know when you have a feeling? It bothered me that she split up with her partner in March and since then things with DH spiralled.

But he’s also done a lot of this without hiding.. like she’s been to our house a few times and I was meant to meet her but I was ‘late’ because frankly I was intimidated and didn’t want to meet her knowing she knew so much about our relationship, I really regret that now - I should have bloody well been there and stood my ground! And he’s been really crap at hiding what he’s been up to so always makes me wonder what is really going on. If that was me I’d be hiding my tracks everywhere

It’s not your fault! My husband and I went through IVF, due to his low count. We had a miscarriage, decided to try again and he then had an affair with his work colleague. Of course he put the blame on me, suddenly he’s been unhappy for years and apparently I was a terrible wife.. news to me! Unfortunately I am now to old to start a family, so he robbed me of that. Blaming you for the affair is the standard response cheating men give.
Emotional flooding will hit you, there will be days you won’t want to get out of bed. But please know, none of this is your fault. Unfortunately there are a lot of weak minded men out there, who think the answers to their ‘problems’ lie between the legs of another woman. There really isn’t much to be done other than to take each day at a time. It will get easier, you won’t forget the pain or the future you hoped to have, but you will forge a new life, maybe even a better one.

Maybe he has enormous capacity for denial? I remember an ex confiding in a female friend (wasn't an ex at the time) and actually saying to me 'It's funny I don't fancy her because she's definitely my type'. Famous last words. I don't think he had admitted stronger feelings to himself while we were together so there was nothing to 'hide' as such. I found it easier to say goodbye because of the 'friend' as fickleness isn't very attractive at the end of the day.

@Maze76 thank you. I’m sorry to hear your story... just so cruel. And yes it does feel like your future has been robbed. It annoys me that he doesn’t seem phased about me having to cancel our IVF appointment (we waited 6 months for it) as he dumped me two weeks before.
Totally the right decision based on our relationship but I thought he’d have some compassion for how it would make me feel!? He never even mentioned it. It’s times like writing this when I do get a bit of anger!!

@namechangingforthis19586. Yes! Agree with this. I think DH may have done the same... chatting away as ‘friends’ nothing to hide as such. But I think things may have changed on the camping trip. He told me that he’d taken his wedding ring off when he left the house. I thought that was odd looking back... wouldn’t you take your ring off after you’d had your weekend of reflection

Yes you would. I'm annoyed on your behalf.

Honestly I would shake the dust from your feet.

All those things you've had to deal with are tough. But the point of a marriage is that you carry each other when times are tough. You don't quit on each other and check out. So even if you are snappy under pressure he needs to understand your reasons. He's piled even more responsibility on you by leaving you to support him practically and financially. You can't keep blaming yourself for all these things x

I am so sorry you are going through this op I really feel for you ,you have really have been through the mill these last few years ,first I just want to say u seem to be blaming yourself too much my option is people handle things in different ways and I dont think you should blame yourself ,be cause you have been through alot , alot more than other people so depression and anger is a natural thing my partner sufferers from mental health and pdsd and sometimes the thing he says is so heartbreaking but I understand his illness and I work with him to help him I never blame him for his episodes because I know he cant help it and I never hold it against him,when he isnt having a episode he is great , he always( like you) offers to do activities date nights ect and we do it because I know hes trying and he feels horrible if he has an episode,So plz be kind to your self , It sound to me your dh is trying gto make you feel it's your fault so your not blaming him , at the end of the day he shouldnt of confided in another woman he should of talked to you about things or tryed couples counselling or counselling on his own or tried something, I'm sorry to say but it does seem like he is having an affair with this other woman . I just want you to know none of this is your fault he just wants you to think that and has made you think it is and is useing it as a excuse to get of the hook , I'm sorry to say but I think your dh is a total twat (saying it lightly) , you ovesly deserve better , I know your hurting and it might not feel like it now but it will get better and each day u will get stronger ,

Sorry I ment mental illness and pdst x

OP, it’s not you, it’s him. After you’ve been away from him for a while and the gaslighting and undercurrent of stress caused by him messing with your head has stopped you’ll realise he’s an asshole and he and his whore deserve each other. Your outbursts were most likely caused by his covert contempt for you which you haven’t had enough time to think through. All you need to do is see your doctor for a referral for counselling and read chumplady.com which will help you recognise he’s a common garden variety cheater.

My late husband constantly undermined me and discredited me and bashed my character, well guess what, since he’s been dead I am peaceful, there’s nothing to get stressed about, it was all generated by him and his manipulation. Plus like you I was the payer, and unknown to me he used my hard earned salary to pay for prostitutes and gifts for whores. While I did everything at home. Your cheater’s whore will soon work out he’s no longer able to fund whatever he was using your money for and get rid of him, don’t take him back for more of the same. Think it through OP, be glad you are no longer being used and you now have the chance to reset your life for your benefit.

It sounds like you've both been miserable for ages. No point trying to drag it out. Let it go with dignity.

pixiepoo99 I'm glad you're starting to see that the cause of the break-up is not one-sided as you originally painted, with you as the bad guy and him the wronged husband pushed into the arms of someone else. It sounds as though you were very incompatible and in the long term those differences were too much. His shutting down constantly is a major factor in where you are now, because he never gave you a chance to right any wrongs, because he wouldn't talk to you! Remember that when you're piling blame on yourself – he checked out of the marriage and didn't give you a chance. I also agree that there's no point seeking answers from him now – if he hasn't given them while you've been married, he's not going to start now. It sounds like the therapy you've got lined up will be far more helpful.

Wow - he checked out of the marriage two years ago and now it's your fault that he's had an affair and left you for another woman? He's really done a number on you (and on some of the posters here it seems ).

He withdraws, is moody and distant and you react. And he makes you feel like you're crazy and complains you're treating him like an emotional punch bag. But he won't discuss your relationship.

It's the script. They all follow it.

Someone told me a little while ago something that stick with me - ‘blame’ and responsibility when shit situations happen is not like a cake where of you dole out one portion to one person it means the other person has less. You may have acted in ways that put a lot of pressure on him but that doesn’t mean that what he’s done now somehow is lesser because of that. You can accept responsibility for the things you want to change about yourself without it meaning you eat all the ‘blame cake’. He’s got his own cake.

I think it's time to focus entirely on yourself and work really hard with an excellent therapist to address your negative cycles of behaviour.

Praise/nagging/apologies/anger/emotional outbursts/future planning/guilt - these are all complex mechanisms at play and now you will have the time and space to talk through their genesis and function.

Invest in yourself. You are worth it.

He’s giving you the script he’s having an affair and has moved in with the ow.

@girl71

"3 weeks ago he went away on his own for the weekend to have ‘time to think things through’ and returned on the Monday without his wedding ring on saying that he needs to be out of the relationship".

Op, where did he go for his weekend time to think? His mums, a siblings? Somewhere else?

It says in the OP that he was with this other woman camping.

Thank you all for the messages... I needed to read these this morning. I had a terrible night going over and over things in my head. I really hope the counselling will help me through this.

I’m feeling so low thinking about the future we had planned together and how we’d just finished our house to start enjoying it finally.
I know we are still young enough to try and start again in another relationship but it’s going to take me a long time to get over this one. Despite the apparent incompatibilities and friction etc I honestly looked at him as my soulmate (rose tinted glasses again maybe!) we had a wonderful 10 years of being so right for each other and then things changed in our 30’s. I know I need to reframe my mind and in time I will look back and realise that we’d grown into two very different people that weren’t going to work long term.
I’ve wanted to get back to the ‘old me’ for a long time and this will probably be the push I need to finally fix myself, I’ve damaged myself a lot over the years by always putting everyone else first and the last 3 weeks has taught me that taking off your ‘brave face’ and showing your friends and family just how fragile you really are, when they always thought you were the strongest they knew, is actually quite liberating. I’ve never let my support network just embrace me and pick me up off the floor before... I wish I’d done it years ago

Hmm I don't like the sound of him wanting to take things (the separation) slowly. That sounds as if he thinks he can revert back to it if the other thing does not work out.

I would start a divorce, put the house up for sale and work fast. He doesn't get to call the shots about the timing or speed anymore. He is having an affair so he can get on with his life and you will be able to get on with yours.

I do understand how crippling it is and how difficult it is to harden your heart.

I'm so sorry but he was having an affair with this woman.

The weekend away to think thinks through was in reality a dirty weekend away for the pair of them and he's left you for her.

He's not staying with her but they've moved in together.

You've done nothing wrong as soon as they started an affair you were never going to win.

He's basically lying through his teeth to try to save his own skin and make out he is the wronged party in of this.

Just wait and watch;at some point in the next few months he'll announce they are together and it just sort of happened naturally as she was such a good friend to him when his relationship ended.

This same thing happened to a friend of mine when her financée ended things.