Husband left me and I’m in bits

[pixiepoo99]

Hi lovelies... first post on here and feeling very fragile at the moment.

DH had been strange with me for the last 6 weeks - distant and then crying uncontrollably saying that he doesn’t have an identity anymore and didn’t know what he wants in life. I asked if it was a problem with us and he said it’s ‘everything’ in life. I thought maybe depression/early mid life crisis. This carried on for a few more weeks of weird behaviour/staying out late/drinking a lot.

3 weeks ago he went away on his own for the weekend to have ‘time to think things through’ and returned on the Monday without his wedding ring on saying that he needs to be out of the relationship for his mental health and that I’ve treated him like crap for years and we no longer want the same things or make each other happy.
This absolutely hit me like a train.

I have not been easy to live with... my hormones are always up and down, I’m depressed, I’m always trying to make everything perfect for everyone but go about it the wrong way and then get really sad when it goes wrong, and my temper can go 0-100. I’m always hugely apologetic afterwards but I can’t seem to hold it in.

I have a full time job which pays for the house and all bills. He is self employed so we ‘live’ off his money as it fluctuates each month. I do all the ‘life admin’ stuff... all paperwork/money/grown up stuff, he does the cooking.
He works hard in a physical job, and is overall a fantastic husband. He is there for me when s**t hits the fan and is always able to balance me out, he has completely been my emotional crutch over the years which must have taken a toll on him altho he always appears to be Teflon coated.

Over the last few years I’ve become increasingly upset that he doesn’t seem interested in me... hes always on his phone, very secretive with it (I was never allowed near it), obsessed with social media, didn’t want to socialise with me in the evenings, and certainly never ever wants to talk.
I like to talk about our relationship and make sure everything is ok but he gets frustrated and will ignore me/give me the silent treatment if he doesn’t want to give a proper answer. I think we often both feel undervalued by each other. I try all the time to find fun things to do together, weekends away, walks etc but he doesn’t seem very interested in my company, certainly not if I try and talk!

I’ve been so upset over the last two months as his behaviour has changed - more distant, ‘popping out’ and not coming back until late. Working long hours to avoid being at home, rolling over in bed with his back to me while he’s on his phone. He has been confiding in female ‘friend’ that he met at work for the last few months and when I saw a message pop up on his phone he quickly swiped it away and said he didn’t want me to see the messages/he didn’t want to hurt me.
It transpires that he has opened up to her about our relationship issues and she is supporting him through this as a friend.
I also found out that she was with him on his weekend away camping to ‘think things through’ that absolutely broke my heart.

He says they are just friends but he moved out of our house after his announcement and I’ve found out that he is currently staying with her and her young son. I asked him and he said she is ‘one of the lads’ and is just good company to support him through all of this.

I have never experienced heartbreak before and I am totally overwhelmed by it... I cannot shake the guilt that I have totally ruined his life and the only way out was to leave me/our house/our future (we were due to start IVF in the next few months)

I’ve driven him away and he was the best thing that ever happened to me... how do you cope and carry on forward? He’s unwilling to give things a second chance and it’s absolutely killing me, I’ve booked in for counselling and on anti depressants from the doctor but I can’t imagine a life without him. Does this pain ever end? Xxx

@NotMeekNotObedient

I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. I fully expect my husband to support me when my family is ill, I'm stressed, unwell myself etc. If he can only be with a sunny, sweet version of you then you've lost nothing - he was always a shit. I'm afraid it's very likely this women isn't just a friend.

There's a difference between expecting someone to be sweetness and light all the time (which would be unrealistic) and not being able to live with the way OP herself said she has been:

I have not been easy to live with... my hormones are always up and down, I’m depressed, I’m always trying to make everything perfect for everyone but go about it the wrong way and then get really sad when it goes wrong, and my temper can go 0-100. I’m always hugely apologetic afterwards but I can’t seem to hold it in

I think it's admirable of OP to recognise that this isn't a case of him being an arsehole and there being no signs etc.

She said she 'can't seem to hold in' her temper, which she describes as going from '0-100'. She says sorry afterwards but so do most people who behave abusively - if it doesn't change, the sorry doesn't mean much.

I'm not saying OP is a terrible person, I just think it's infantilising and not constructive to encourage a narrative where he is 'the bad guy' and OP's behaviour isn't a contributing factor in the breakdown of the marriage.

It's exhausting and upsetting being with a partner who has a temper, however many times they say sorry.

OP I'm not saying this to bash you as I think you've been gracious in your ownership of your own behaviour on this thread. I just think people are doing you a disservice when they say well if he really loved you and was a nice guy he would stay. Because that isn't how it works and isn't what is fair for the partner who is the emotional punchbag / on the receiving end of a temper / trying to regulate the angry partners moods etc.

This could be a positive life change for you both - a chance to reset, focus on coparenting and both explore life as independent people who have great kids together but are no longer in a relationship.

You need to do some work on your anger in order to flourish, some specialised counselling could be life changing for you as you're self aware enough to recognise you don't feel able to regulate your temper.

@NerrSnerr i already addressed that at 17:57.

"@pixiepoo99 with kindness OP i would take with a pinch of salt what he has said about that trip. I could be wrong, i do not know him but it smells fishy".

OP, your story sounds the same as mine. My ex made it all my fault, I felt I had to take "blame" when he walked out. He was confiding in a "friend" who was willing to put him up while he "found his feet". It was of course all bollocks. She was the OW and he walked straight out of here into her house, leaving behind a 15 year marriage and a 2 year old.

7 years on and I am in a much better place but I can't pretend it has been easy. We no longer have contact as OW made him choose between her and our son. Guess who he chose.

Sorry but your husband is a wanker. He's lying to you and gaslighting you. I'd be seeing a solicitor ASAP for some legal advice. I'm sorry you're going through this, truly, but believe me life is much better without a cheating arse

@girl71

"The reason why we get into a relationship is because we make each other happy, and this improves the quality of our lives. If he wasn't happy, there's no point for him to continue the relationship. He wasn't happy, maybe because of your behaviour. Didn't you think there would be consequences of the drama, the mood swings, crying fits, hopelessness and despair all being displayed at home? I know you want to repair the relationship, but I think it's probably too late".

This. ⬆️

"He checked out of your marriage long ago and he's been having an affair for a long time too. And now he's trying to rewrite history and blame you.
He's not the best thing to happen to you. He's a lying cheating shit".

Not this ⬆️. This is not helpful and passes all the blame of failure of the relationship onto the DH. OP has said herself , her actions may have been a contributory factor in the breakdown. Yes, the OP's DH could have addressed this differently and agreed , he has taken the easy way /script out. But, to place all blame on the DH does a disservice to the OP and takes any responsibility away from her. OP has said and acknowledges she has made mistakes and is working on her issues. More power to the OP for recognising this and putting support in place ( MN is part of that support) , in order to have a more balanced and rewarding future relationship. Dissing and blaming the DH solely is not helping OP. Yes, he has behaved badly but OP also has issues to address. We help OP by acknowledging and supporting her, not by passing all blame and responsibility to the DH. A relationship is a balance. To tilt the scales in one sole direction is unfair and not representative of how this relationship has ended.

I disagree. If DH is having an affair then all responsibility lies with him. There is never any excuse to cheat on someone, if you don't like the way your OH is behaving then leave, don't hang around while you conveniently line up the next person. The OP has been upset and angry because she has been through an awful lot with her parents. She is putting all the blame on herself while saying how wonderful her cheating husband is. I suspect she has just been trying to cope with huge trauma (during which of course she isn't going to be loads of fun) while he is emotionally checked out and finding herself understandably very upset and angry because of this - she didn't just go sleep with someone else though did she. Don't feel guilty OP, if your DH was unhappy with your behaviour he should have communicated that to you and made it clear what needed to change. It sounds like he emotionally checked out a long time age and just kept you hanging while he lined someone else up. He's now living with another woman and pretending they're just friends so if it doesn't work out he can come running back to you. He has ruined your life by stringing you along and pretending he wanted to have a child with you. Take back some control OP, tell him it's over, and concentrate on yourself.

@NerrSnerr it does not take away from the fact that the relationship has failed on both sides. Op has and has ( acknowledged ) she has played her part in the combined detriment of this relationship.

We can all see the relationship should have ended much earlier. Unhappy people stay for all kinds of reasons and misguided responsibilities. There will always be one person not willing to accept a relationship has ended. It does not ever take away from the leavers right to leave. The leaver is not always the bad person. They just left.

In this case the OP's DH should have left alone but he clearly lined up a new life before doing so. Yes, he was wrong and it is wrong but , equally OP accepts she may have pushed him away with her behaviours over the years. OP's DH has behaved badly but so has OP at times.

Thanks for all your messages... I take all of them onboard. Especially the ones saying that he needed to leave for being an emotional punch bag, it’s hurts so much to realise this but I hold my hands up that I leant on him too much when I should have reached out to my friends and family for support too. He was always so good at setting me straight - he’s very black and white and so complimented my worrying/overthinking nature.

I’ve been open with my struggles over the years and asked for help and support in getting through them, but DH just thinks people are crazy - he didn’t really believe in all this ‘depression’ stuff, he thinks just get out of bed and do your day, whilst I could never get the cloud from over my head so I’ve always had to try and be strong and not too weak in front of him (you get no sympathy in this house!) and some days I just couldn’t take being strong.

It must have been hard for him to deal with and I see that now... if I could just turn back time.

I do see what most of you are saying that he probably checked out of this a long time ago and I just didn’t realise. I wonder why he went on the TTC journey with me though (his idea) I assume you get swept away with life and hope things get better?

I’m sorry you’re hurting OP.

I actually think it’s a positive thing you can see the part you’ve played in things getting to this point. It means you’re not trying to blame shift everything onto him, and that with time and space you will be able to work on the things that influenced you to behave poorly towards him, so that if you ever have another relationship things don’t deteriorate due to those factors once again.

He has behaved appallingly in having an affair. There’s no excusing that. He should have had the balls to have ended the relationship before starting something new. But humans are fallible, and selfish, and sometimes convince themselves things will eventually get better if they just keep trying, until one day they run across someone who makes them feel how they want to feel, and it’s only then that they feel able to walk away. Some people don’t do well single. Not excusing it, but explaining how it is in some cases. It’s not something I could ever do, but I have known people (especially partners in abusive relationships) try their damnedest for years and years on end, feeling worthless and unworthy of being treated kindly and with respect, meet someone new and then find the strength to end their relationship. Often before ‘acting on’ their feelings, but certainly after the feelings appear.

You do need to accept that this is over and it sounds far too late now to salvage your marriage. You’ve been together such a long time, if your efforts (together) were going to improve things they would have done by now. It doesn’t sound a healthy relationship to bring a child into and it’s possible he realised this hence asking for a break in TTC.

It must be excruciating to have this happen so suddenly when you were on the precipice of IVF and after fertility struggles, but I think in time you’ll see it perhaps wasn’t so unexpected after all.

He’s dishonourable and untrustworthy, you recognise how you’ve treated him over the years. Sometimes the damage is just too deep.

@Tal45 She is putting all the blame on herself while saying how wonderful her cheating husband is".

That is not what OP has said. OP has accepted her behaviours may have played a part in the breakdown of the marriage. Blaming is to afford a responsibility to someone else, accepting, is to take ownership. OP has afforded no blame. OP has taken part ownership for the breakdown of this marriage. I hope the OP can now move forward and be happy.

Oh OP
you need to go back and read through your posts and underline bits in red. You are still in shock.
I feel so guilty and saddened that I made him feel unhappy. I’m gutted that he couldn’t talk to me about the way he was feeling (because he'd already checked out)
I checked in on him so many times to see if he was ok/if he was happy in the relationship and he didn’t hint at any problems

I dont know how to process the guilt and move forward... I feel truly awful and so full of regret
I did used to feel underappreciated for the fact that I had a job and ran all the admin stuff (and helped out with his business) but never ever felt like I made him proud, like nothing I did actually made him appreciative of what I do
I can be quite needy when he acts moody and distant as I feel unloved

This man has been checked out for at least 18 months, and you've said that you were the last one to hear about it, all your friends and family knew.
At the same time, he continued with TTC and bought a puppy, but was remote and distant with you, didn't talk to you. How two faced is that? He stopped TTC at the same time as his "friend" came out of her long term relationship, but he still didn't tell you what was going on. He told everyone else.
Why do you think that is? Because he's a genuinely caring nice open honest person?
You've said at least three times that you are a "nightmare to live with" is that your phrase or his? You've certainly been through some traumas and living with someone you describe as moody and distant could be the root of some of your outbursts.
You need to stop believing every word of the script he feeds you. He's cool about the whole thing becuase hes had a whole year to figure it out and now you are presented as the bad guy whilst he's so stuffed full of "soul" that he couldn't bear to tell you, even whilst camping with his new friend.

Several pps have pointed out he's playing the victim to justify his actions.

You need to counterbalance this one sided discussion and get some counselling or real life support and stop believing you are a terrible person. None of us are perfect but the script he's feeding you is for his benefit and not yours. Focus on yourself and getting your own life together.

Even if nothing did happen when they went camping together, the fact he told you he went to get his head straight but she was there with him is a massive betrayal, OP. He never had the space to think with her there. You're gamely taking blame for what you believe are your failures in the marriage, but he's treating you appallingly now and you need to remember that. He's lying about his relationship with this woman to protect himself and so he can spin the narrative that you were an awful wife and that's why he left.

Your husband has left because he was having an affair and the two of them have decided to move in together. She's left her partner and he's left his. It's definitely an affair. I think it's very admirable that you are blaming yourself for pushing him towards this other women but maybe you are a bit too hard on yourself. Maybe he's done a number on you. All issues in your relationship are your fault?? Really, even his affair? Maybe your emotional issues will improve without this prick in your life. He is lying to you. He is not a nice guy and it's not your fault he's a lying prick.

And this:

OP I'm not saying this to bash you as I think you've been gracious in your ownership of your own behaviour on this thread. I just think people are doing you a disservice when they say well if he really loved you and was a nice guy he would stay. Because that isn't how it works and isn't what is fair for the partner who is the emotional punchbag / on the receiving end of a temper / trying to regulate the angry partners moods etc.

With bells on, from @youvegottenminuteslynn

On MN you could share that you’ve verbally abused him on a daily basis for years and he’s left for another woman and you’d still get endless comments saying that you did nothing wrong and he’s a scumbag and none of this was your fault etc.

Frankly though, you sound insightful and honest. I have every faith that if you are able to hold onto and take this self awareness and openness forward, into therapy, you will be able to work on the aspects of your personality that contributed to the way you treated your DH, and build coping mechanisms for when life throws crap at you, as it does us all. It will benefit you immeasurably, not just if you become someone’s partner again, but as you.

Him being a cheat is awful but as you’ve recognised that doesn’t change the impact of your behaviour in the prior 17yr. I suspect you won’t take much from the ‘you did nothing wrong he’s a shit’ posts. I think you’re better than that.

@ChangePart1 but a decent guy would try to work on his marriage first, then separate. He didn’t have to run off to another woman behind ops back and tell everyone but her what’s happening. There are no excuses for this behaviour

@LoudestCat14 yes this is something I’ve been struggling with - despite whatever has gone on in our marriage. He didn’t sit down and talk to me about it. I asked him on many occasions if there was a problem and he batted it away as a general depression about life (I asked him multiple times if It was to do with me and he said no). In between these moments we cuddled up in bed together, said ‘I love yous’ and carried on as normal visiting friends and family. I gave him the space to go away and think and to find out later that she was with him the whole time felt like an absolute betrayal. I had 3 days of hell (no contact) wondering what he was coming back to tell me, and all the time he was having a fab weekend. It hurt like hell.

I really wish he’d have been able to sit and talk things through with me, a year ago or even recently. He said that he couldn’t because he didn’t know how or what to say and that he finds it difficult to communicate to me. I was sad that there was no fight in him... after everything we’ve been through and built up I thought there were bits worth salvaging.

I must add as well that I haven’t been a nightmare for the full 17 years. It’s been the last 3 years that have taken a toll on my mental health and I’ve really struggled to feel happy - I feel negative and down everyday and I’ve really tried to fix things about me. When I have these emotional breakdowns they are every couple of months when the stress just gets on top of me. In between times we’re just kind of normal but with really bad lazy habits which we should have kept on top of.

We are also very very different people. I’ve always thought that kind of worked for us, but he wants to be with something who has similar interests and I do understand that. He also likes a simple life and my life always seems complicated so I can understand that too!

I’ve always showered him with praise and appreciation for everything he does for us, working hard, cooking food, doing the DIY round the house, listening to me wittering on... I am also massively protective of him. But now all of that seems to be erased with the ‘treating him like crap’ message I’ve given as the reason for ending the marriage. Yes I’ve nagged him to put his shoes away, yes I’ve moaned when he slams the front door (every day) and walks mud through the house. But are these normal things that happen in a marriage or am I wrong?

I am spiralling into depths of self-loathing and questioning absolutely everything about our relationship, how I said certain things or if I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

I feel so down wondering just how I made him feel. Do you think I should ask him to tell me how he really felt in the relationship so I have closure?

I have a counselling session booked this week, and a relate session and hypnotherapy booked next week. With the Anti depressants im trying to throw everything at making me a better person... I know I’m not a monster or an evil person but I’m finding it so very hard to see how to get past this :(

Also I meant to add that he can be very moody too... I often feel rejected by him or that I’ve done something wrong. He doesn’t want to talk when I ask so I just have to accept it but it drives me mad, all I want to do is make him smile and see him happy.
And then I punish myself so much for when I’m moody in front of him like I have to be a saint all the time. He will also never ever say sorry if it’s his fault and is more than happy to sleep on an argument and continue ignoring me for days until I make the effort to be ‘friends’ again. I know there’s always two sides to the relationship but I still feel absolutely terrible at how I’ve made him feel

You are two people not making each other happy. You have both treated each other badly.

If a friend of yours told you they had been treated in the way you describe your behaviour towards your husband what would your advice be? I doubt you would describe that person as a “great” spouse. You’d be saying you shouldn’t stay with this overdone wouldn’t you? So if you are able to be truly objective then it’s not a surprise he has left.

But he has also treated you badly by not engaging with you, trying to deal with the issues, being secretive and unaffectionate.

Things were inevitably going to come to a head. You will be able to appreciate and understand that eventually.

Person not overdone

Don't go looking for answers from him. There are none. Relationships don't always last the course. Yours had its time. Some people like comfortable and predictable with its
Ups and downs. It is safe. But he had his head turned and it looked like a better option.

I know you will pick yourself apart. I did. This isn't about you. Although you know and recognise your flaws. He saw something and thought is would be better/nicer/more fun.

He made a choice not to sit down and work it through with you. He didn't want to do that. That tells you volumes of where he was at.

He will paint you as the bad guy to ease his guilt. Don't buy into it. It takes two to make a relationship work. And sometimes it doesn't work out. There is no mileage in you asking him for answers. He will just deflect.

You have done all the right things. I'm so pleased to hear you have counselling lined up and support. Off load and shout and cry there. That is your safe place. You will work through this and find your own answers.

Be kind to yourself. And work through your grief.

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

He's not the best thing to ever happen to you because he's clearly a lying cheat. You deserve better. Shoulders high, teeth gritted and move on. Pain is temporary

Yes this. OP

My ex husband suddenly announced he wanted me to give him x amount of money for his share of the house so he could buy a house for himself and that we were just living as friends.
Like you I’ve struggled with (lifelong) depression and also chronic pain and managed to hold down a full time responsible job. He would go to work - his own business that didn’t make much, I would do everything in the house, pay all the bills etc myself. His contribution to the marriage was to buy a takeaway in Saturday for us to share and buy me generous gifts.
He’d been subdued is the only thing I can describe it as for a couple of months before this, that was the only clue. I asked if we could work on the relationship eg see a counsellor. It was too late for that apparently, he hadn’t loved me for a year and admitted he’d basically waited until I was well enough for him to leave. There wasn’t another woman in his case (trust me I checked!), took him months to move out and he was here every night (annoyingly!) until then.
It’s now 2 years since he moved out and I’m planning on starting divorce proceedings in a few weeks. What hurt most was his hiding his true feelings from me, saying he loved me every night, that it didn’t matter if we hadn’t had sex etc. Taking away that opportunity to work on our relationship. That anger is now eased, although it still hurts that he effectively gave up on me. I can acknowledge where my actions contributed to the breakdown and those of his, eg I realised that he avoids confrontation. I take away from that relationship what I do will do differently in my next one.
Learning from this makes us better people and means that future relationships will be more successful. It sounds like you’re accepting your responsibility in the situation a heck of a lot quicker than I did. Think of the inner strength that you have to get you this far in life and focus it on making you the best person you can be. Right now it’s shit, but it will get better.

@VanCleefArpels yes you are right. Funnily enough I’ve been helping a friend through their marriage problems and the whole time I didn’t even recognise it in my own relationship. That’s how deluded I have been. I realise looking back now that there were so many signs of him pushing away and doing odd things but I didn’t notice it at the time. He mentioned things like tattoos and smoking (he gave up when we got married and I was so proud of him - best thing he’s ever done) saying that I would never let him do those things. I don’t care about tattoos but I’d be gutted if he started smoking again, for no other reason than his health (he’s carries a lot of weight around his middle which I’ve worried about for years) . Needless to say in the last three weeks he has got a tattoo and started smoking again! Can’t blame him one bit to be honest

@unicornsarereal72 thank you for your words. I’ve been hoping in a way that this woman friend has been a catalyst for his actions over the last two months and can explain the speed at which things escalated. Two weeks before his announcement we went and ordered a new sofa and we planted £££ worth of plants in the garden for summer next year. He talked about his plans for bbqs this year and the shed he wanted to build. Is this what people do even when they know they’re leaving? It is such an absolute mindfuck for the person left behind. I assume in his head it falls into the ‘not wanting to hurt me’ category, but it really stings!!!! He now says he’s ready to move on from the house and doesn’t want anything to do with it (we spent the last 8 years making it our dream home)
You’re right, perhaps I shouldn’t ask him for the gory details on our relationship, it’s just bugging me because I never really had a full explanation

He’s never been able to lie very well, and we never lie to each other (or so I thought!) so to find all these things out is so hurtful.

When we see other now he varies from being excrutiatingly awkward to being really caring and hugs me if I look sad and has a few tears. I think it is guilt, and wanting to make sure I don’t have some kind of extreme mental breakdown because of this

@Ellie56

He checked out of your marriage long ago and he's been having an affair for a long time too. And now he's trying to rewrite history and blame you.

He's not the best thing to happen to you. He's a lying cheating shit.

You deserve better.

Absolutely this. So sorry op. Been there, I know it hurts.

Please dont go trying to get answers from him. Its over. You need to only focus on yourself and get help and support for yourself. This 'closure' business is fairytale stuff. You will get 'closure' when you heal yourself and move on. He cannot ever give you closure. Its going to be a tough ride to start with so put yourself first in everything you do. He has gone, now is the time to grieve for the lost relationship. In time, you will feel so much better.

The camping weekend. Was it to somewhere with poor mobile signal?

He's not wonderful. He's a lying cheat who thinks with his dick.

@Twitchynose I really needed to hear this thank you. It’s exactly that - the hiding the true feelings. We too did all the love yous, spooning each other in bed every night, making future plans for our anniversary weekend next month... and then it hits you like a bus when you realise all that time they didn’t actually love you anymore!? My dad has only got 6 months to live and my DH said too that he thought about staying on to get me through it but he couldn’t physically wait any longer to get out of the relationship. Four days before that he told me that he loved me and we cuddled each other to sleep. I just can’t handle those mixed messages...

@Purplecatshopaholic. Ouch yeah it really hurts. This ‘checking out a year ago’ thing really stung...I didnt see it at all but it’s totally true. A few months ago when he couldn’t explain what was wrong, I told him it felt like he kept pushing me away almost to make me realise I didn’t want him so he didn’t have to be the one to make the decision, he admitted last week that’s what he was trying to do. And now I’m the psychobitch that has the blame for everything