Husband left me and I’m in bits

[pixiepoo99]

Hi lovelies... first post on here and feeling very fragile at the moment.

DH had been strange with me for the last 6 weeks - distant and then crying uncontrollably saying that he doesn’t have an identity anymore and didn’t know what he wants in life. I asked if it was a problem with us and he said it’s ‘everything’ in life. I thought maybe depression/early mid life crisis. This carried on for a few more weeks of weird behaviour/staying out late/drinking a lot.

3 weeks ago he went away on his own for the weekend to have ‘time to think things through’ and returned on the Monday without his wedding ring on saying that he needs to be out of the relationship for his mental health and that I’ve treated him like crap for years and we no longer want the same things or make each other happy.
This absolutely hit me like a train.

I have not been easy to live with... my hormones are always up and down, I’m depressed, I’m always trying to make everything perfect for everyone but go about it the wrong way and then get really sad when it goes wrong, and my temper can go 0-100. I’m always hugely apologetic afterwards but I can’t seem to hold it in.

I have a full time job which pays for the house and all bills. He is self employed so we ‘live’ off his money as it fluctuates each month. I do all the ‘life admin’ stuff... all paperwork/money/grown up stuff, he does the cooking.
He works hard in a physical job, and is overall a fantastic husband. He is there for me when s**t hits the fan and is always able to balance me out, he has completely been my emotional crutch over the years which must have taken a toll on him altho he always appears to be Teflon coated.

Over the last few years I’ve become increasingly upset that he doesn’t seem interested in me... hes always on his phone, very secretive with it (I was never allowed near it), obsessed with social media, didn’t want to socialise with me in the evenings, and certainly never ever wants to talk.
I like to talk about our relationship and make sure everything is ok but he gets frustrated and will ignore me/give me the silent treatment if he doesn’t want to give a proper answer. I think we often both feel undervalued by each other. I try all the time to find fun things to do together, weekends away, walks etc but he doesn’t seem very interested in my company, certainly not if I try and talk!

I’ve been so upset over the last two months as his behaviour has changed - more distant, ‘popping out’ and not coming back until late. Working long hours to avoid being at home, rolling over in bed with his back to me while he’s on his phone. He has been confiding in female ‘friend’ that he met at work for the last few months and when I saw a message pop up on his phone he quickly swiped it away and said he didn’t want me to see the messages/he didn’t want to hurt me.
It transpires that he has opened up to her about our relationship issues and she is supporting him through this as a friend.
I also found out that she was with him on his weekend away camping to ‘think things through’ that absolutely broke my heart.

He says they are just friends but he moved out of our house after his announcement and I’ve found out that he is currently staying with her and her young son. I asked him and he said she is ‘one of the lads’ and is just good company to support him through all of this.

I have never experienced heartbreak before and I am totally overwhelmed by it... I cannot shake the guilt that I have totally ruined his life and the only way out was to leave me/our house/our future (we were due to start IVF in the next few months)

I’ve driven him away and he was the best thing that ever happened to me... how do you cope and carry on forward? He’s unwilling to give things a second chance and it’s absolutely killing me, I’ve booked in for counselling and on anti depressants from the doctor but I can’t imagine a life without him. Does this pain ever end? Xxx

Crikeyalmighty - yes interesting to hear it from the other side. It must be so hard to live with and I feel so awful about it. I am very aware of how I’ve been over the years and sought CBT therapy, hypnotherapy, accupunture.. all sorts, to improve my headspace and be a better person. I’m always trying to improve and be better - I never went to medication though and I regret that now. I have just started on some antiDs and can’t help but wonder if I’d started these years ago whether things would be different.

I love him so much.. and there was a lot of happiness and fun mixed in over the years too. I just feel totally bereft now

This happened to my friend OP, and he left and they're now divorced and he's engaged to the woman who was there for him "as a friend". He sounds like a coward who is full of shit who hasn't got the guts to be honest with you.
ARSE. He is in no way the best thing to happen to you.

Nosholow - I have been really upset with the way this has been handled.

He apologised that it hasn’t been done in a very nice way, after all the time we’ve been together, we’ve completely grown up together. He has supported me through family trauma and life, I have supported him through major career changes, life aspirations, his dreams.
He was my best friend and knows everything about me and I never thought he would treat me this way. It’s all been behind my back and whenever he talks to me it is in riddles because he doesn’t want to hurt me.
He said he was depressed and was going to seek help.. and it turns out he only said that to not hurt me, he didn’t know how to tell me he didn’t love me anymore.
I wished he’d have spoken up about it before it got to this extreme... I would have loved a chance at some marriage counselling etc

@pixiepoo99 with kindness OP i would take with a pinch of salt what he has said about that trip. I could be wrong, i do not know him but it smells fishy. Again, i do not know him and will give him the benefit of the doubt.

You have both had an awful lot to deal with over the years and as another poster has hinted, you do need to learn to learn to manage yourself a little more. I suspect he has become overwhelmed over the years and has checked out rather than talk to you.

I am sorry you are going through this but you are both at a stage where you can rebuild your lives. Life does throw us many challenges and sometimes they arrive like buses, one after the other. Learning how to cope and manage these challenges is somewhat a skill as i have found. I have had challenges, some similar to yours but , as a lone parent have had to deal alone. I have no support network at all so it was sink or swim for me. I am certainty not recommending dealing with alone as that as it is hard but there is a happy medium , if you have the support of friends and family, but even then i would not over burden. Pls continue with the various supports you have put in place for yourself.

I think OP, your DH played his cards close to his chest and has been withdrawing from the relationship for some time. He has kept this from you, hence the " recent" change in him. Let him go in your heart and then free yourself from this relationship officially and legally. Move forward with your new found insight and rebuild your life. You will be happy again OP. This is a new beginning for you.... and keep your dog... he ain't getting the dog!

The reason why we get into a relationship is because we make each other happy, and this improves the quality of our lives. If he wasn't happy, there's no point for him to continue the relationship. He wasn't happy, maybe because of your behaviour. Didn't you think there would be consequences of the drama, the mood swings, crying fits, hopelessness and despair all being displayed at home?

I know you want to repair the relationship, but I think it's probably too late. Obviously he's having an affair with the woman. Maybe it's quiet and peaceful at her house and there's a happier atmosphere there. It's early days, but try to be kind to yourself. I'm sure you're a lovely person and you deserve a man who can support and love you.

The moment you said he went away for a weekend to think. My first thought is ow.

I'm sorry I know how hard this is. There is of course fault on both sides. He should not of embarked on a new relationship without ending the first.

He is telling you lies. Rewriting history and feeding you a narrative so that he doesn't look like a complete arse. Don't feed into it. Your only answers now are that you are no longer his concern. He has shown you clearly where you are in his priorities.

Rip the band aid off. Have no more to do with him. There is no need to engage in any emotional stuff. All you need to discuss is the house and how you will settle the finances.

Ex left me after 14 years together and 2 kids the house and a dog. I was fighting until the bitter end. I was completely heart broken like you.

I set clear boundaries. He made his position clear in my life. It was now a business arrangement. Kids child support and house

I packed his things and put them all in the garage. I moved things around at home. New bedding. Flowers and some paint and made home my own.

I engaged over e mails only. It just broke my heart all over again when his name came up as a text/call. I took all the emotions out of my communication. And never reply quickly. So that you are not responding emotionally.

Keep a journal. Pour your heart out there. No where else.

Gather good friends and family around you. They will want to support you. Lean on them. Remember to eat and drink what you can.

Seek out professional support. Counselling and/or GP. You are grieving. Allow yourself to go through the process.

It takes time. Be kind to yourself. It took me best part of 3 years to be ok. He of course has every right to leave the relationship. For me it was about how my ex behaved once he left. I'm still fighting for child support 4 years on and contact with the kids is more miss than hit.

Now I'm further away from it. Our relationship was in a terrible place. Ex had distanced himself from me and the kids over time. And was living a single life with us on the outskirts. His behaviours and actions were selfish and manipulative. And although I miss the security of the family. He treated me very badly. And I tolerated it all for the sake of the family. There was no dignity in that and I know now I deserve so much more. And now won't tolerate any poor behaviour from any man.

Just take each day as it comes and know in time you will come out the other side.

He checked out of your marriage long ago and he's been having an affair for a long time too. And now he's trying to rewrite history and blame you.

He's not the best thing to happen to you. He's a lying cheating shit.

You deserve better.

In a few years time YOU WILL look back on this period and realise that he wasn’t the Prince you thought he was and that you weren’t to blame for him choosing to have an affair.

I’m guessing that the ‘holier than thou’ posters kicking the boot in haven’t been through a situation when a long term partner has an affair and tries to spin it so that the injured party is somehow to blame. Oldest trick in the book! If things were so bad, then try to do something to fix them or leave, but having an affair is only ever for selfish reasons.

Remember, there’s no such thing as a PERFECT PARTNER. Everyone has aspects to their personality that they’d rather didn’t exist. That doesn’t mean that you shoulder the blame for him acting like a prick.

Sorry but I would put money on it that she was the whole cause of this in the first place. He met someone else who his now moved in with. Please wake up and don't take him back. The way you described the relationship sounded pretty horrible anyway. He checked out ages ago You will be much happier without him

@pixiepoo99

It’s just so out of character of him... I’m wondering if he’s had an emotional affair with her for the last few months (she came out of a volatile relationship in March) around the same time he asked for a breather on TTC.

Thing is he is a wonderful man, truly. He is kind, caring and loyal although not overly affectionate in the last few years.

I on the other hand have been an absolutely nightmare to live with... my moods are up and down, I can be quite needy when he acts moody and distant as I feel unloved, my stress levels are through the roof and I can be snappy.

We’ve had a lot of family trauma over the last 10 years (mum: aclohol addiction, driving ban for 2 years, rehab, then stage 4 oral cancer, life changing surgery and rehabilitation. Dad: pancreatic cancer with 6 months left to live) mum and dad aren’t together and I’m an only child. To say that I’ve had stress over the years is an understatement and I haven’t dealt with it well.,, usually putting on a brave face for the world and letting it all out at home,

My poor hubby has had to deal with all of that and pull me off the ceiling at every opportunity. He’s had to deal with mood swings, crying fits, hopelessness and despair. And then me manically over-focussing on random things to get me through the day because I need to feel in control. He pays his way with food shopping and paying for all the improvements/diy on so he’s not shy with the money or anything.

I did used to feel underappreciated for the fact that I had a job and ran all the admin stuff (and helped out with his business) but never ever felt like I made him proud, like nothing I did actually made him appreciative of what I do... and in turn he just saw me as moody/moaning all the time and no fun... which is probably true

His not kind caring and loyal tho is he because his having an affair right under your nose !! I think you are in total denial

Thing is he is a wonderful man, truly. He is kind, caring and loyal although not overly affectionate in the last few years.

He is not kind, caring and loyal. He's clearly been having an affair. I would consider an STD test just to be sure he hasn't given you anything.

This is all his fault. None of it is your fault. You need to start getting angry.

What he is doing is telling you all the bad bits about yourself and putting you down to make him feel like he’s not doing a bad thing trying to make himself out to be the victim, and that it’s your fault, he’s definitely having an affair though, good riddance.

Head up high, you deserve better! This will pass, do not blame yourself, he obviously checked out a long time ago, you’ll be surprised how well your mental health is once you’ve healed from this. Show him that you don’t need him because you definitely don’t!

"The reason why we get into a relationship is because we make each other happy, and this improves the quality of our lives. If he wasn't happy, there's no point for him to continue the relationship. He wasn't happy, maybe because of your behaviour. Didn't you think there would be consequences of the drama, the mood swings, crying fits, hopelessness and despair all being displayed at home?
I know you want to repair the relationship, but I think it's probably too late".

This. ⬆️

"He checked out of your marriage long ago and he's been having an affair for a long time too. And now he's trying to rewrite history and blame you.
He's not the best thing to happen to you. He's a lying cheating shit".

Not this ⬆️. This is not helpful and passes all the blame of failure of the relationship onto the DH. OP has said herself , her actions may have been a contributory factor in the breakdown. Yes, the OP's DH could have addressed this differently and agreed , he has taken the easy way /script out. But, to place all blame on the DH does a disservice to the OP and takes any responsibility away from her. OP has said and acknowledges she has made mistakes and is working on her issues. More power to the OP for recognising this and putting support in place ( MN is part of that support) , in order to have a more balanced and rewarding future relationship. Dissing and blaming the DH solely is not helping OP. Yes, he has behaved badly but OP also has issues to address. We help OP by acknowledging and supporting her, not by passing all blame and responsibility to the DH. A relationship is a balance. To tilt the scales in one sole direction is unfair and not representative of how this relationship has ended.

He is 100% having an affair.

"@NerrSnerr This is all his fault. None of it is your fault. You need to start getting angry".

⬆️ see what i mean!

You will get through this. I know it seems like at this point the world has ended but it really really hasn't. You will be ok

So sorry OP I can see how upset and traumatised you are with this. So glad you are on medication now for what you need. Your husband checked out ages ago, he was in an affair and now is with her. There is no doubt about that. She is not a friend. These things happen however hurtful they are. MN is littered with the same script and story. For you, its time to gather your thoughts, do not try and get him back.....he has gone. Spend time healing yourself with therapy and what the doctor has prescribed. In time you will realise the marriage was not a good one and perhaps your angry outbursts may have been caused by you not being with the right person. Your husband may have done things you cant think of now that triggered these feelings.....only you will know that with time. I promise you that you will be happier eventually without him and your mental health will improve.

I had an emotional affair at the end of my bad marriage. It snuck up on me. One day I realized that if I wanted to be committed to my marriage I needed to give up my best friend. I chose my best friend and have no regrets.

From what you write op, he needed to leave. It’s just the way he has exited that is problematic. That is the way it was for me as well. That timing is the only part I wish I could change because it made things hurt more for my XH. As angry as I was with him, I still didn’t want to hurt him like that. If I had the courage to leave two years earlier it would have been better for everyone, but I kept trying. It wouldn’t surprise me if your H has found himself in a similar situation.

100pc agree with girl71.

You are not a victim in this relationship breakdown. It sounds to me like he has put up with alot of bad behaviour, I was in a relationship like this for many years and I was your OH.

I realised we only get one life and I wanted to be happy, not someone's emotional punch bag. Everyone experiences bad things in life, it doesn't give you the right to make someone else miserable by off loading on them whenever you like. No one owes you anything in life(apart from your parents) if he's unhappy he's entitled to leave.

I think you need to take this opportunity to work on yourself through counselling.

I agree with PPs, he's having an affair. I've been in your exact situation and recognize that script a mile off. Sorry OP, focus on you now

I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. I fully expect my husband to support me when my family is ill, I'm stressed, unwell myself etc. If he can only be with a sunny, sweet version of you then you've lost nothing - he was always a shit. I'm afraid it's very likely this women isn't just a friend.

@girl71 if he wanted to get out of the relationship he should have done it before getting another woman involved. What are the chances that he went away alone, that he is sleeping in her spare room- especially after he didn't want the OP to see the messages.

@NotMeekNotObedient

I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. I fully expect my husband to support me when my family is ill, I'm stressed, unwell myself etc. If he can only be with a sunny, sweet version of you then you've lost nothing - he was always a shit. I'm afraid it's very likely this women isn't just a friend.

Exactly this. Isn't this what we promise to each other when we marry.

Oh yeah and the fidelity bit. So hey, break one commitment, might as well break them all eh?

There is absolutely no chance he hasn't been having an affair. What a fucking arsehole.

He is an absolute walking cliche of a cheating prick. That is the nicest thing I can say about him.

@CharlotteRose90

You probably won’t like this but the only wrong thing he’s done is met someone else. You’ve been awful to him and taken your emotions and hormones out on him and for support he’s gone elsewhere And met someone. I would have checked out that relationship a long time ago if a man started using me as a verbal punching bag. It’s not right. Both are in the wrong in my eyes and it’s time to make a fresh new start. Clean break. Sort the finances out and divorce. Look for positives of single life and sort yourself out . Get some therapy for any issues you have. Good luck

I agree. You're at fault for your temper issues and he's having an affair (definitely). Best thing to do now is look to the future in terms of splitting up.