DH let his brother to have party in our garden

[Turefu]

We live in the house once my in laws lived. Family has a tradition of having summer BBQ , when in laws wedding anniversary happened. There's also Christmas party each year. My in laws died over the decade ago, but tradition stayed on. Each summer and each Christmas family gathers in our garden for a party. I accept it, but I want to go on party too, not to be host all the time. DH doesn't get it. He says I'm jealous and mean, as family brings food, so it's only the same premise and it's tradition. It was broken only once, when our son was born and I firmly said I'm not having party with one-month baby in the house, our boy was born in June. BBQ was hosted at his sister's. Now his brother asked him , without me knowing, he wants to host his wedding anniversairy party in our garden, as his own garden in tiny. DH said yes. I don't like it, BIL didn't ask me, just DH and he said yes. When I said I want to go out too, not only have parties hosted at my garden, DH got angry and said agian I'm jealous. It's not even I don't want him to have a party in my house. But it ALWAYS in my house, never at others, and DH has 5 sibilings. AIBU? I don't know, how to approach it.

Tell him he pays for caterers then and does ALL the pre party preparation and clean up. See how he likes tradition then

It’s twice a year and the reason it’s at your house is because it was his parents and siblings home. What exactly are your complaints? If they bring food, how much are you actually doing? If you really don’t want to run around after them, don’t.

I would leave the tidying up to dh and not host them its the bl party so let him host his guests you drink and chat and be merry and enjoy but do not clean up before and definitely not afterwards. Its not ur party to do anything for and if your dh doesn't like it go out all day and only return intime to get ready to Party party yay.

Tell dh that he will be doing all the preparations. It’s not just about food. It’s the clear up before and after. It’s the organisation It’s setting the decorations. And tables and chairs. The music, possibly people staying over and all that entails.

Tell him you won’t be doing anything but turning up and enjoying the party but like the other guests, you will take some food.

It’s twice a year and they all bring food so I don’t see what your issue is really

Is this party BIL wants different to the ILs wedding anniversary party?

It being the old family homestead puts a completely different slant on it, sorry. They even cater it themselves.

Of course the BIL asked your husband, they are brothers. It would be weird if he bypassed his brother to ask you.

You could always move. The problem with living in the PILs former home is that your husbands family will have an emotional connection to it

What are you supposed to be jealous of?

We used to do this for family. I loved hosting.

How come your DH ended up with his parents' house? Why wasn't it left to all of them? I suspect there's a back story here. I think you're being a bit unfair – it's their family home, full of memories, and sounds really big for hosting. And it's a couple of times a year, not every weekend. If you don't like it, go out for the evening and leave your DH to clean up.

I understand. You are doing all the prep work and clean up.
DH should have asked you first instead of just agreeing.

I'd do nothing for the party. Book yourself into a nice hotel that day and leave him to it.

How did you and dh end up in it? Is he eldest so it went to him on primogeniture?

Are you in Australia? You have a garden party at Christmas?

Do the others have parties at other times of the year? This isn't something that would bother me, really, as long as I got on well with all the siblings.

I'd leave him to it too. Get yourself out of the house until party time and then go to bed when you are ready. Grit your teeth and ignore any mess the next day. Suggest your DH calls his brother for help.

If it's his brother's anniversary he should do EVERYTHING.

So does every sibling use your garden for a party, so you have five summer parties to contend with?

I understand where you are coming from. As you are hosting, you have to make sure your house is spotless, have plates, glasses etc, make sure there’s enough toilet roll, have the job of clearing up afterwards etc.
Also, if it’s a wedding anniversary, there may be strangers also in your garden.

Why jealous? I don’t understand that.

Did you inherit the house or buy it?

How very rude of BIL and to a lesser extent DH.

Make very clear conditions - BIL pays for cleaning service before and after the reception and gardeners in advance as well. Make it very clear that this is the last time that the assumption is made without reference to you.

I don't understand why DH is saying you are jealous. What are supposed to be about? If DH has said yes - let him crack on and you do what you want to do. I would be furious if my family thought it was ok to have parties at my house. Tradition can fuck off.

If the issue is that it’s a lot of work for you each time in getting stuff ready, then yanbu and for all parties in future I would make sure your Dh is in charge of all pre-cleaning and post clearing up. He might not be so ready to offer then.

Sorry you’re a bit like my husband and his attitude upsets me.
We are fortunate to have a bigger house and garden than my siblings and parents. I want to share it with people as it’s the obvious choice for getting together. When we do have bbqs or whatever family always bring food, help set up, help cook, and help tidy away. But he can still be really grumpy about it.

I think that is very rude and disrespectful and your husband is nasty.

If it is your home then even if the rest of the family have an emotional attachment, that does NOT mean they dictate in this way.

My SIL lives in my husband's lovely old home.
Does that mean he and his siblings can insist on two parties a year be held in HER home.

Of course it doesn't.

Do you not go out and do other stuff for the rest of the year? I don't understand your arguement of 'I want to go out too'.

Got to be a back story with the house here

@billy1966 they haven't dictated, BIL asked his brother and his brother said yes

Hi everyone, thank you for replies. It was in laws council house, they had my DH late in their lives, thier health deteriorated quickly, I've moved in with them , we married, they died three years later. This is the only house DH has lived in. We were allowed to take over tenancy, we bought it few years later. We also bought from council piece of land, which is attached to our then rather small garden. Now our garden is really large. I don't mind them having party twice per year, but it always our house. I want to go out too, why it always has to be our house?! DH won't move , that's the different story altogether.