DH let his brother to have party in our garden

[Turefu]

We live in the house once my in laws lived. Family has a tradition of having summer BBQ , when in laws wedding anniversary happened. There's also Christmas party each year. My in laws died over the decade ago, but tradition stayed on. Each summer and each Christmas family gathers in our garden for a party. I accept it, but I want to go on party too, not to be host all the time. DH doesn't get it. He says I'm jealous and mean, as family brings food, so it's only the same premise and it's tradition. It was broken only once, when our son was born and I firmly said I'm not having party with one-month baby in the house, our boy was born in June. BBQ was hosted at his sister's. Now his brother asked him , without me knowing, he wants to host his wedding anniversairy party in our garden, as his own garden in tiny. DH said yes. I don't like it, BIL didn't ask me, just DH and he said yes. When I said I want to go out too, not only have parties hosted at my garden, DH got angry and said agian I'm jealous. It's not even I don't want him to have a party in my house. But it ALWAYS in my house, never at others, and DH has 5 sibilings. AIBU? I don't know, how to approach it.

OP I get what you mean you would like them to host events at their houses that you could attend rather than every family social being at your house. Also unless they are hiring portaloos they will be in and out to the loo, making cups of tea, washing up and putting loads of stuff in the fridge. In fact I think I would find that more annoying than choosing to host a party myself.
I think your DH needs to have a word and say you don’t mind honouring the once a year summer BBQ but you don’t intend having bday, anniversary, kids parties endlessly whenever the weather is nice. Also I think being sidelined from decisions by your DH between him and his family that affect you would really annoy me.
I don’t know how supportive your DH will be though because when you have tried to raise it with him he has said you are being mean. You need to talk to him and say it makes you feel like a visitor in your own home and before he gives the ok to any events being held at your house it needs to be discussed with you.

I don’t understand why you keep saying “I want to go out too”. There is no reason that one or two parties in your garden a year should stop you from going out on any of the other 363 day s in the year. Can you explain what you mean?

I also don’t really think there is any need to be so upset about this, it doesn’t sound like you are expected to do all the preparation or all the clear up. I would just go with the flow and enjoy hosting something once or twice a year.

I want to go out too

They have a party twice a year, that leaves a hell of a lot of other days for you to go out. Do you literally never go out?

I do think you are being unreasonable as it seems to only be twice a year. You can go out other times surely? And if not why not?

I think it’s a nice tradition to have to have all the family together twice a year to remember their parents at what was the family home.

I get what you mean, OP. It is nice to be hosted sometimes, just turn up with your agreed contribution, then just make sure your own kids are behaving and fed, and relax and enjoy chatting. Hosting is more stressful than that. You have to make sure that the house is not just clean and tidy, but party ready (we rearrange the furniture and scrub the floors for crawling children - not just babies, one older one who can't walk, and prefers not to be in a wheelchair all the time). You have to think about refreshments, not just the food, but drinks. We are borrowing a marquee this summer, and in the past have borrowed a tea urn due to all the tea drinkers, other parties you need to make sure there are enough mixers / soft drinks, platters, tables set up differently.
As the party has been arranged without reference to you, that mental load belongs to bil and DH. You may find they were going to carry it anyway. Make a decision to put it down! Tell DH nicely, there's no need for a row. The hardest part is not wanting to rescue the situation whennhe remembers all the family take sugar and you don't have any, or whatever. Going out is probably a good idea!

So you got the right to buy a house cheaply because of their parents. A couple of garden parties each year isn't much in exchange for that

@user1471457751

So you got the right to buy a house cheaply because of their parents. A couple of garden parties each year isn't much in exchange for that

Therefore she should put up and shut up ?

I disagree.

I honestly don't see an issue and I think as the house was your inlaws and is effectively on your DH side of the family, a few parties a year is not an issue.

My DB has the biggest garden in our family so he often (happily) hosts. We take food and drinks etc and clean up afterwards.

Its not the parents home anymore .. OP and her DH BOUGHT the house from the council. It was never owned by the parents only rented. They also bought additional land.

The BIL is very entitled.

@Turefu - what if you made a list of everything that is involved in hosting one of these parties - ALL the jobs that need to be done before, during and after the party - and then asked him how he and his brother will be splitting the tasks? Make it clear that the party is his and his brother's responsibility, and you will just be turning up and enjoying yourself.

That might make him think twice.

[quote SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]**@Turefu - what if you made a list of everything that is involved in hosting one of these parties - ALL the jobs that need to be done before, during and after the party - and then asked him how he and his brother will be splitting the tasks? Make it clear that the party is his and his brother's responsibility, and you will just be turning up and enjoying yourself.

That might make him think twice.[/quote]
Agreed.

What would your DH say if you did this, @Turefu?

I must admit I don't understand your 'I want to go out too' comment, surely you can still go out other places - the pub, to friends houses etc?

Anyway, I would tell my DH that he should have discussed with me first, if I wasn't happy I would have said I'm not happy about it and why. It's obvious from your posts that your DH would go ahead with this anyway. So that would be the end of the conversation for me, I've said my piece. However I would then do absolutely nothing for the party. Your DH and BIL want to host, your house is simply the place they are hosting.

You havent mentioned this but is this the problem? ie you will now have a lot of work to do? You won't though, you don't have to do it, they want to do it, they do the work.

Thank you for all your replies.
Family turns up with their food. Set up, but then just leave in the end. If I won't clean up afterwards, DH cleans eventually, usually two or three days later.
We do go out, it's not an issue. Parties are twice per year and always in our house, very, very rarely in other's. I don't have a problem with hosting parties, but it's always our house. It's our house, not in laws. They've never owned it, we didn't inherit it. Sibilings could've stayed with parents, they chose not to, fair enough. We've applied for it from council after in laws's death and we've got it. Additional part of the land was purchased independently few years later, it was nothing to do with in laws.

Kinda think your being a bit OTT about it. It's only twice a year, they bring their own food and set it up, and if you don't tidy up your DH will.
So, don't tidy up, enjoy parties as if you were out, it's not like you don't ever go out the rest of the year. This doesn't sound like anything major to get upset about tbh, but if it really bugs you, try going out and being busy elsewhere while the party is on if you don't enjoy it.

OP you are correct to be pissed off. As you say this is Your home, Your mortgage, Your gardens, they are treating it as property still lived in (never owned) by their parents.

I'd say No and change the entitled assumption.

@Opentooffers

Kinda think your being a bit OTT about it. It's only twice a year, they bring their own food and set it up, and if you don't tidy up your DH will. So, don't tidy up, enjoy parties as if you were out, it's not like you don't ever go out the rest of the year. This doesn't sound like anything major to get upset about tbh, but if it really bugs you, try going out and being busy elsewhere while the party is on if you don't enjoy it.

Why should OP leave her OWN house because InLaws want to use her house and garden for a party every time they want to celebrate ? pray do tell ?

2 parties a year isn't excessive but

1. Who tidies?

2 Who pays for food and drink etc?

1. Who does the cooking?
2. Who does the preparation ?

I'd be annoyed that everyone scrapers without tidying and your h isn't cleaning up on the day. I wouldn't expect BIL to ask me for permission but yanbu to expect your h to tel you about yeh request before he said yes.

I wouldn't expect BIL to ask me for permission

Why ever not ? its Her home 😳

Does your bil have a garden? Ring him up and tell him you're having a party at his house. Turn up, Eat drink and have a laugh and then leave. See how he likes it

I understand on. Every family celebration is hosted by you, which means you don't get to chill and enjoy whilst someone else hosts.

Hosting, even when people bring stuff is still a lot of work, before, during and after. I'd be super angry with your husband for calling me that and be even more reluctant to host tbh.

I think there's a serious lack of Boundaries and Respect for the Home you own OP.

It used to be a council house rented by your Husbands parents. They died and your DH took over the tenancy and you both then purchased the Home and now OWN it, buying and adding more land to the property.

Your DH and his family, clearly still consider this, their parents home, and treat it as such.

This mindset is what needs to change.

Your husband will be doing all the prep, hosting and tidy up himself, so who cares. Unless he’s expecting you to do it, in which case, laugh, and go away that weekend.

Who is doing all the donkey work for these parties, cleaning, setting up, making sure there are plates and such, sourcing anything to do with it, taking down and clearing up, disposing of rubbish?

If my other half arranged any event at our home without checking with me I would be really pissed off and tell him it wasn’t happening. It’s bloody rude.

I agree with you Op, I would HATE this. Even if people are bringing food, it's the absolute mess that gets made, and let me guess, you end up doing the clear up the day after? Not to mention people running out of alcohol and starting to drink yours. All the rubbish that probably won't fit in your bin. The breakages if people are drunk. The "over stayers" who are still there at 2am, when you just want to lock up and go to bed.

My parents had loads of parties when I was young. The utter devastation the day after, was a sight to be seen. I have never, ever hosted a party at my house as a result. Dinner party for a few? Sure. Big parties? Nope! Anniversary parties and weddings - hire a fecking hotel you tight arse!