Being verbally abused in an argument

[Wherediditgo]

Things have not been good between my husband and me for some time. We’ve spent long weeks and even months not speaking. I’ve rarely been able to be myself for quite sometime. We have a toddler.

On Friday, I went for a drink with a friend. I haven’t done this for many years (even pre-Covid) as I would usually just go to that person’s house/garden (restrictions permitting)
DH seemed to think it was a good idea and was encouraging. This is out of character for him but he seemed to be making a real effort lately. He even said I should get a taxi and enjoy myself.

So off I went. I left just after 8pm and realised the time at 11.20 and went outside to call him. He had called me ten minutes prior but I hadn’t heard my phone ring. He had a go and told me I was selfish etc. I didn’t end up getting in until 1am but after our phone call, I text him every half an hour so he would know I was ok.

We had an argument about it yesterday, I’m ashamed to say, in front on my son. My behaviour certainly wasn’t exemplary - I shouted and (ashamed to say) I did swear.

However, DH strode across the kitchen and shouted and swore in my face. I felt intimidated. He walked off shouting ‘fucking scumbag’ over and over at me. It’s not the first time he has spoken to me like this and not the first time he has done this in front of my son

I tried to explain afterwards that I felt intimidated. He said that I was actually the aggressor as I had followed him in to the kitchen after he had walked off. He walked off when I was halfway through having my say and I was stood about 3 metres away from him?! He kept shouting ‘I don’t care’ when I was trying to say my piece which is when I shouted at him to shut up. That’s when he strode over to me and shouted and swore in my face.

I’m thinking of leaving him but I’m not certain?! Our marriage hasn’t been good for a long time and I’ve closed myself off to him. He was seemingly trying lately but he threw all that back in my face when we argued.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel ashamed that my son had to witness it. I think us not being together anymore might be better for him.

@MondayYogurt

The enormity of it all is hitting me like a ton of bricks today.

You need time to process. You don't owe him any answers or planning or help.
Take your own time to process this. Reading up and educating yourself will definitely assist.

Thank you. I have and will continue to do so.

Update:
I’ve told him I’m leaving. It was actually a very respectful and calm conversation, which I am grateful for.
Just need to figure out what to do next!

Thanks again for all the advice

Whatever happens now I wish you all the best OP.

Also have a look at doing the Freedom Program to help you going forward with future relationships.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

@Wherediditgo

Update: I’ve told him I’m leaving. It was actually a very respectful and calm conversation, which I am grateful for. Just need to figure out what to do next!

Thanks again for all the advice

Best of luck op

Another update.

Both my mom, and my sister (more my sister) are trying to convince me that my decision is too hasty... that we should ‘try everything’ before splitting. That it isn’t ‘just about me’ and that they thought we were soul mates.

I get they don’t want me to regret my decision but seriously??

It’s really playing on my mind because this is the exact reason I haven’t left before now. What if I regret it? Am I being really selfish?

Do they know the whole truth and how he's made you feel ?
They don't live under that roof so unless you've been totally honest with them it's unlikely they appreciate how things really are
They will see the side of him that you alluded to .. nothing else
Be strong OP and do what is right for you ... not anyone else

@jannyapple

Do they know the whole truth and how he's made you feel ? They don't live under that roof so unless you've been totally honest with them it's unlikely they appreciate how things really are They will see the side of him that you alluded to .. nothing else Be strong OP and do what is right for you ... not anyone else

I tried to explain. Have never really told them before now... I don’t think they really believe me to be honest. Thank you for your reply.

Leave. Do it now. Don't waste anymore of your life

I think you're doing the right thing leaving. He won't change, toxic people like that never change. He'll do and say just enough to keep you thinking he will change but believe me he WILL revert to type. He will also blame you for leaving him and "giving up on him" so be warned - he will never admit you were in the right to leave him.

I’ve been subject to some form or emotional and/or physical abuse since I was a child. From parents, to being bullied at school and then in the work place to being in some pretty shitty relationships.

By the sound of this you sadly can't expect much in the way of understanding or emotional support from your family. If they're also similar (bullying / toxic) then your welfare and mental wellbeing don't mean anything to them and they probably will always see you as 'difficult', 'selfish', 'demanding' or whatever box they assigned you as a child. Be careful what you tell them and try to find support elsewhere. I know it's hard as you'd expect your own family to be on your side but where they're also abusive it doesn't work like that unfortunately. I am extremely low contact with my brother after my divorce as he sided with my emotionally abusive ex.

be kind to yourself, it's such a hard thing to go through.

Oh, and I forgot to say - YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!

OMG, I can relate to EVERYTHING. The control, the stonewalling for months, me eventually realising that the silent treatment is actually the better deal, walking on eggshells, always being in fear of something blowing up, family thinking I'm making a mistake, ME thinking I'm making a mistake (though not anymore, I've never been more sure of anything else). I've read countless stories like mine online but thought mine was different because he wasn't a monster, only some of the time and I was very conditioned to ignore it or minimise it in my own head. Have you been very very slowly cut off from your friends/support network? That's something I didn't see coming, until the pandemic happened and the only thing I missed was going to the shops/Asda/library/restaurants because we literally didn't do anything else. Before him my life was full of friends and family and a social life. When the government announced that you could bubble up with another family that didn't affect us, because there was actually nobody to bubble with.

I didn't see the effect on the children coming at all. My big regret is that I didn't see any of this sooner. My children have been harmed internally in ways that I'm completely ashamed of.

Thank you everyone.

It’s really playing on my tendency towards feeling guilty! I still feel it’s the right thing to do and my friends have been supportive so far....

@intor

OMG, I can relate to EVERYTHING. The control, the stonewalling for months, me eventually realising that the silent treatment is actually the better deal, walking on eggshells, always being in fear of something blowing up, family thinking I'm making a mistake, ME thinking I'm making a mistake (though not anymore, I've never been more sure of anything else). I've read countless stories like mine online but thought mine was different because he wasn't a monster, only some of the time and I was very conditioned to ignore it or minimise it in my own head. Have you been very very slowly cut off from your friends/support network? That's something I didn't see coming, until the pandemic happened and the only thing I missed was going to the shops/Asda/library/restaurants because we literally didn't do anything else. Before him my life was full of friends and family and a social life. When the government announced that you could bubble up with another family that didn't affect us, because there was actually nobody to bubble with.

I didn't see the effect on the children coming at all. My big regret is that I didn't see any of this sooner. My children have been harmed internally in ways that I'm completely ashamed of.

@intor It is interesting what you are saying about being cut of from friends. I had tons of friends before I started dating my STBX and slowly, literally all of them disappeared. We loved each other so much and wanted to spend ALL the time together that we were avoiding "my" friends (he barely had any). We ended up seeing my sister only but he would be so mean to them, rude, bulling that I would often ask him if he wanted us to have no social life, as it often seemed that he did not want to see them either. I always thought that it was the two of us to blame, but now I wonder if he manipulated me into believing that it was my choice as I am definitely the one who loves to socialize while he is definitely not.

Also, he would not want to go out (anything more then going out for coffee). Our life was so boring and sad.

OP I know how you feel. I have only one sister and I also kept everything that was happening to me from her. One reason was because that is how we were raised, to keep our family affairs secrete from the outside world, and the other one was because she is not very sensitive. I mean she means well but says things that make me feel worse. I just recently sat down with her and my BIL and told them some stuff, and my sister was really heart broken because she said she noticed that my husband had difficult personality but thought I got used to it because I was not complaining. However, the other day when we were talking she asked me if I should have waited a little longer (very long story but my MIL died recently in a very terrific accident) until my husband is out of mourning. This is exactly what I was going to do but situation presented itself and he asked me directly if we were "fine" and since I laterally wanted to tell him I wanted to separate three days before his mom died, and I was so ready for it and could not see myself "making up" with him anymore or lying to him, I told him, "no were were not fine" and we should separate. But obviously I am aware that this is hardest time for him and my kids and our whole family and all I feel is guilt ever since, her pointing this out for me now when it is totally too late, just made me so upset, I got panic attack and though I should die. I just looked at her and said, "I know you mean well but you are not helping. It is literately too late to pull back now, so this is totally useless for me. Please stop" She realized how she upset me and was really sorry for it but it was too late. My BIL is complete opposite, so easy to talk to and says all the right things all the time, so speaking with him did help. My sister, also tends to brag about her marriage. I know she does not do this on purpose, but it hurts me.

Sorry to hear all that @loveyourself2020 - about your MIL passing as well as your relationship
So common to have difficult family relationships.. I am NC by choice with any of mine as I cannot deal with their ways and yet .... I ... am the black sheep of the family 🤬

loveyourself this is surreal because that's exactly how it was for me too. For years I thought that we didn't know how to socialise, even though I had absolutely no problem before him, and in situations without him (for example I went back to education recently and made loads of friends). And yes he hardly had any friends when we were first together, and even less now. I would get loads of invitations for the two of us to come to events on my side of the family, and he'd refuse to come and then sulk and strop around at home banging things or driving recklessly with me in the car, or make a huge deal if I went by myself and was slightly late or something. I can see NOW that it's a form of manipulation/control, because it's easier for me to stop going so that things were "good" at home.

It actually makes me very sad to think of other women going through this same thing.

And ugh, thoughtless comments from family are the worst thing. I'm so sorry you went through that.

I only told ONE cousin that we were divorcing and she said "No don't be silly you're joking, you two are so loving." Even though I told her that he was physically and emotionally abusive. I don't know what she was expecting with that dumb comment. For me to say actually you're right, I've changed my mind now after that profound statement? She then said she had to go (this was by text, we live in different countries) because she couldn't deal with this and she was too sad that we were separating. The next day she messaged to say that she couldn't sleep . The whole thing was all about her.

@intor

And ugh, thoughtless comments from family are the worst thing. I'm so sorry you went through that.

I only told ONE cousin that we were divorcing and she said "No don't be silly you're joking, you two are so loving." Even though I told her that he was physically and emotionally abusive. I don't know what she was expecting with that dumb comment. For me to say actually you're right, I've changed my mind now after that profound statement? She then said she had to go (this was by text, we live in different countries) because she couldn't deal with this and she was too sad that we were separating. The next day she messaged to say that she couldn't sleep . The whole thing was all about her.

OMG I cannot beleive she told you this?!!! And that she "left" you because SHE was upset!! I cannot stand people like that. I am sorry to say that my sister is one of them, but I know plenty more. I was in a situation before where she would be so "upset" about something that is happening to me, or give me a lesson about something that is happening to my own children as if she loves them more then I do. I find therapy helped me a lot with this. I used to just take the "abuse" from everyone, now I am learning to set boundaries. If someone tells me something I do not like or asks for something, I just say "no" or "stop, I don't want to listen to this". It is really hard especially if it is your family of someone else important. My sister should be my main support right now and I cannot give that up, but I often think how she only upsets me more when we talk nowadays.

Sending you hugs loveyourself

@intor
Same here. I so wish we have these conversations around a camp fire. Giving each other real hugs.

Hi everyone
Having a hard time today.

Feel overwhelmed by it all. No definite decision on where I am moving to. Don’t know what to do. Just want to click my fingers and for it to be done so I can move on.
Does it get easier?

Hello OP I have been thinking about you lately. How have you been? What is going on? You see, I am in the process of separating and it is hard, it hurts, it is very painful, I know how you feel. We just told the kids the other day and while they took it mostly ok at that time, the next day the youngest one sat me down to try to "talk me out of it". I too wish I can just woke up one day and it will all be over.

Please tell us what is going on with you. We are here for you.

Thank you loveyourself

I don’t know where to start really.

I need to move out. I said one of us should stay on the house but I don’t mind who. He said he wanted to. I’m ok with that as it means I have some control. I have a rental property that the tenants are behind with the rent and looking at leaving - I thought I could live there (I have another post on that in AIBU if you wanted to read it!)

But I just feel so lacking in energy. I mostly hate myself and worry I’m being selfish. DH isn’t sure he wants me to move in to the rental property. I’m worried he is stalling and trying to ‘control’ the divorce. I just don’t have the energy or self esteem to sort it all out.

I’ve got a consultation with a solicitor booked but not for weeks.

I worry I’ll be alone forever. I’m not exactly a catch. But I know I don’t want to stay here. I just want to leave!

Sorry for the pity party

I started reading the book people recommended ‘why does he do that’
I read chapter 5 - I think it was one on trying to figure out if you’re even in an abusive relationship. I had a very strong reaction to it. It was like reading about my whole relationship.