Being verbally abused in an argument

[Wherediditgo]

Things have not been good between my husband and me for some time. We’ve spent long weeks and even months not speaking. I’ve rarely been able to be myself for quite sometime. We have a toddler.

On Friday, I went for a drink with a friend. I haven’t done this for many years (even pre-Covid) as I would usually just go to that person’s house/garden (restrictions permitting)
DH seemed to think it was a good idea and was encouraging. This is out of character for him but he seemed to be making a real effort lately. He even said I should get a taxi and enjoy myself.

So off I went. I left just after 8pm and realised the time at 11.20 and went outside to call him. He had called me ten minutes prior but I hadn’t heard my phone ring. He had a go and told me I was selfish etc. I didn’t end up getting in until 1am but after our phone call, I text him every half an hour so he would know I was ok.

We had an argument about it yesterday, I’m ashamed to say, in front on my son. My behaviour certainly wasn’t exemplary - I shouted and (ashamed to say) I did swear.

However, DH strode across the kitchen and shouted and swore in my face. I felt intimidated. He walked off shouting ‘fucking scumbag’ over and over at me. It’s not the first time he has spoken to me like this and not the first time he has done this in front of my son

I tried to explain afterwards that I felt intimidated. He said that I was actually the aggressor as I had followed him in to the kitchen after he had walked off. He walked off when I was halfway through having my say and I was stood about 3 metres away from him?! He kept shouting ‘I don’t care’ when I was trying to say my piece which is when I shouted at him to shut up. That’s when he strode over to me and shouted and swore in my face.

I’m thinking of leaving him but I’m not certain?! Our marriage hasn’t been good for a long time and I’ve closed myself off to him. He was seemingly trying lately but he threw all that back in my face when we argued.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel ashamed that my son had to witness it. I think us not being together anymore might be better for him.

But I have very little self esteem or self worth. I don’t want my son to feel the same way as he grows up.

Which is why the only damage that will be done to him is if you stay. Dont let him grow up believing this is normal, and no child wants to be the reason their parent suffered so much.

Talking with women's aid, or refuge, might be a good idea even if you don't need practical support. Because they're experts, they can help you see things more clearly and understand what is abuse and what isn't.

Imagine a life where you come home with no one shouting or screaming at you, belittling you, making you feel confused or guilty...Imagine going out with friends when you feel like it and not having to report back at regular intervals.

Imagine not feeling your heart pound or stomach knot because you fear his reaction.

You could have a peaceful, happy, stress free home.

We all fear taking a step into the unknown and its surprising what we'll live with because we think its better to stick with the devil you know...But its not. This is no way to live your life, op, and just because you're used to it and never known any different doesn't mean you deserve it.

Break the cycle of abuse for your son then.

Making decisions based on trying to avoid the normal tough emotions that are part of life is a recipe for poor decision-making.

Besides which, why wouldn't you regret forcing your son to grow up in an abusive environment?

I find it hard to understand that if choosing between the lesser of two evils in terms of what you might regret most, you would think that permitting your child to grow up with abuse being normalised is more palatable than facing your emotions about leaving in order to protect him from that.

If you've lived with abuse your whole life, it will probably feel very uncomfortable and unsettling for you to leave and try and live without an abuser controlling you. There will be basic things you will need to re-learn.

That's why you need to seek support from Women's Aid and a therapist with expertise in trauma caused by abuse.

Whether he hits you or not is largely irrelevant to this discussion. People can perpetrate very severe abuse without ever touching their victim.

Thank you so much for the advice and replies.
I have a lot to think about. I will call women’s aid. I think it’s a good idea to gain some perspective on all of this.

I had a live chat with someone from women’s aid who seemed to think the behaviour sounded abusive and controlling. She gave me a number to call, which I did. That person seemed to say more things like ‘all couples argue’ but also that it could be that he is being controlling. She suggested a trial separation but I don’t think it’s possible.
My mom thinks we should get counselling.

I just don’t know what to think. I was full sure I should end it and now I don’t know. Perhaps it’s me blowing it out of proportion?
He is saying sorry and has admitted that he wasn’t happy with me going out but wants to be happy with it.

I just don’t know what to think or what to do.

@Wherediditgo

Your husband sounds similar to mine
Amongst many other things that were wrong with our relationship , it included him not liking me going out , ( we were together 25years) he used to be ok before I went out saying I looked nice giving me money for a cab , I never knew what I would walk into from moments where he sat in the dark waiting for me , to him being full of rage , to moments where he wouldn't speak to me for a week .
I changed I stopped going out , and eventually stopped seeing my friends . There was an incident before Xmas which then made me realise he had to leave , I got help
and he no longer lives with me.

Sadly for me I have no Friends , but if I had my time again I would of done it years ago , the kids are way happier the house is calmer , no ones walking on egg shells .

In my experience you know it's not right , you just need to imagine life differently .

@Wherediditgo

OK so remove from the equation, for a moment, whether his behaviour constitution abuse or not and then ask yourself these questions...

Are you happy?
Do you honestly think things will get better?
Even if you can...would you rather just have out?
Is this an environment you want your son growing up in?

*constitutes

[quote TaraR2020]@Wherediditgo

OK so remove from the equation, for a moment, whether his behaviour constitution abuse or not and then ask yourself these questions...

Are you happy?
Do you honestly think things will get better?
Even if you can...would you rather just have out?
Is this an environment you want your son growing up in?[/quote]
I’m not happy
I don’t know if things could get better or not
I think I would rather have out but I’m not sure
I definitely do not want my son to grow up in this environment

Appropriate guy response to what happened last night (from a guy btw):

1. Holy shit she’s not responding to my call, she’s out later than I though I fucking hope nothing bad has happened.

1. Thank fuck you are ok, I was worried! Kids are all in bed enjoy the rest of your evening say hi to everyone for me, I’ll leave the hall light on.
2. Get on with life.

Hope that helps!

@Dervel

Appropriate guy response to what happened last night (from a guy btw):

1. Holy shit she’s not responding to my call, she’s out later than I though I fucking hope nothing bad has happened.

1. Thank fuck you are ok, I was worried! Kids are all in bed enjoy the rest of your evening say hi to everyone for me, I’ll leave the hall light on.
2. Get on with life.

Hope that helps!

Yes it does help actually. Thank you.

And is probably how I would react if the tables were turned.

Interesting actually because I came home to complete darkness when the hall light is usually ALWAYS on!

I mean I can’t speak to your whole relationship, but just from this snapshot it’s not looking great, and being happy isn’t synonymous with being selfish!

@Wherediditgo

Next question then...

Can you describe how you would like your life to be?

[quote TaraR2020]@Wherediditgo

Next question then...

Can you describe how you would like your life to be?[/quote]
I’d like to be able to be myself. I’d like to like myself. I’d like to not feel like I’m pandering or treading on egg shells. I’d like to be a good mom.

I can imagine myself being alone. And I think I would be happy. But I’m worried the grass won’t be greener...

It sounds like you really want to leave.

Can you separate for 6 months and see how you feel?

If you're waiting until you know for certain that the grass will be greener @Wherediditgo, then you'll never give yourself a fresh start.

Life is what you make it, right now what you've got sounds pretty miserable and you seem confident (as much as anyone can be) that you'll be happier starting out on your own with your ds. Those are pretty good odds - I'd make life choices with those odds, but it isn't my life of course.

You might not change every single thing in your life in one fell swoop. Experience has taught me good changes rarely come about that way. What happens is you take one good step, then you take another, then something else falls into place.

No one can promise your life will be perfect if you leave, but if you believe that leaving is what stands between you and happiness (and freedom to be yourself, to grow to love yourself and to live harmoniously) then it seems to me that it is a step you'd be wise to take.

I do know that taking the scary first steps into a new life is, for me, the most empowering feeling.

Whatever decision you make, it's your decision and we respect that it isn't an easy one and can take time, whatever you choose.

I believe you can do it, if its what you want. But if you believe that you and your son will feel safer and happier where you are then that is just a valid reason to stay.

Because you have such low self esteem you truly believe you don’t deserve any better. Trust me you do. Please also don’t believe that just because he hasn’t hit you he isn’t an abuser, he is, and he has also conditioned you. Please talk to Women’s Aid, they can help you, and help you believe that what you deserve is out there for you

His reaction to you missing a call on your night out (a rare night out by the sounds of it, pandemic aside) was insane.

The fact that you repeatedly texted him after it is very telling. You were clearly panicking, you clearly knew what was coming.

The later argument was equally bizarre and unjustified ..you missed his call on a night out; so fucking what. Very easily done in a noisy place while distracted. Anyone normal would appreciate that and if you texted or called sine time aferward to confirm you were fine; there'd be no problem.

(Not that I really think concern for your safety was behind his behaviour).

There was absolutely no justification for any anger or unpleasantness or any criticism at the time or after.

The verbal abuse - ditto.

Calling your partner and mother of tour child a scum bag for missing a call on a night out (a night out you encouraged) and for texting after ward to confirm she's fine etc. In what way exactly is someone a scum bag in that situation????!!!

Just the word he enjoyed using at the time, bears no relation to anything.

Other people have suspected it was a set up ... It might have been.

One things for sure - his behaviour is insane, and abusive

He's causing arguments (it's not an argument, it's you being abused actually) in front of your child too.

No wonder your marriage has not been good, no wonder you're not happy. You say you can manage financially, that's a lot better than many women. He doesn't deserve a wife/partner.

Do you think the grass would be worse if you left?

Thanks for these replies.

He has actually admitted that he wasn’t really ok with me being out - but he encouraged it because he WANTS to be ok with it. He has said he has issues to work through and is asking me to stand by him while he works through them...

I don’t know what to think. Being manipulated is a deal breaker for me. But I am not 100% certain that I am being manipulated?! He clearly knew that his response to me was unfair but it took him days to admit that was his fault and not mine. He still hasn’t admitted to being aggressive.
If I had apologised to keep the peace (as I have done many times before) then he would never have admitted it was his fault and not mine??

bigbaggy I don’t think the grass would be worse if I left. But I feel I need to be totally sure as it’s such a big decision?!

He has actually admitted that he wasn’t really ok with me being out - but he encouraged it because he WANTS to be ok with it. He has said he has issues to work through and is asking me to stand by him while he works through them...

So he's admitted that through no fault of your own, he doesn't want you to socialise with friends and have fun with them? Does that sound like love to you? Certainly doesn't to me.

It's even more manipulative than pretending he is ok with it, because now he will say well i told you I'm not ok with it and you do it anyway / arent I lovely letting you do something I'm not ok with / why are you surprised I get angry when you don't message me while you're out - I told you I'm not really ok with it.

He's setting you up to fail. Don't let him.

The night out sounds like a bait and switch move. But I would be more concerned about not speaking to each other for MONTHS at a time as you mention in your OP. That is utterly awful and your toddler will be picking up that tension. What’s the story there - who is stonewalling who? I mean - it doesn’t really matter, it’s dysfunctional anyhow, but just wondered what the dynamic was....

he wasn’t really ok with me being out - but he encouraged it because he WANTS to be ok with it. He has said he has issues to work through and is asking me to stand by him while he works through them...

That's not a surprise.

Reading about it.as an outsider your best guess was that a. It was a set up to have a go at you, or b. he cracked up because you were on a night out, tried to sabotage it, and "had" to punish you afterward. There was no need whatsoever for him to get angry when you missed his call ... The missing the call was clearly the thing that sent him over the edge he was so near from when you arranged and went on the night out.

It's obvious from your panicked repeated texting him after you missed his call on the night out that this dynamic is not new or strange; he's clearly been like this before to some extent.

I have experience of a man like his abs sadly I have to say I have pretty much zero fairy he'll "work through" his issues.

I'm liking his psychobabble manipulative language though ; "work through", best if all "stand by me" trying to make you feel like a shitty, unsupportive partner if you don't stay with him etc. He really knows how to work the nurturing, supporting, dutiful female thing we've been brainwashed with, doesn't he.

*faith, not fairy!

Fkg autocorrect