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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any men on here to advice me on this man?

80 replies

Sweetsundayz · 21/05/2021 05:54

Please don't tell me to block and move on. I more just want to focus on what this behaviour means?

I was with someone in a close way for 6 months. We exchanged I love you. We were extremely open with eachother. This man was older than me by 13 years. He was early 40s. Was 3 years out of his last relationship. He has depression and issues from his past so he's very up and down and I think to an extent he is scared to commit.

Meeting me I think threw him as he got real feelings. But he was doing abit of sneaky window shopping online and i got abit sick of things when one of his divorced school friends that he's never seen started flirting with him online right Infront of me. We split up because he didn't want to talk about it.

I've been struggling the last few months. He blocked me on everything and realising the stuff we had said was gone hurt.

4 days ago he sent me a friend request on Facebook. I messaged him and asked why. He said he wanted to know how I was. I said I was ok and asked him the same. Then he just stopped messaging.

I left it 24 hours then asked him more about what he had been doing and asked him if had meant any of the things he said. He replied the next morning as he fell asleep. Dodged the meaningful questions and Just replied to the general chit chat.

All day he talked about himself and responded in a chatty way. But asked me absolutely nothing. He filled me in on his work plans and all that stuff. Sent me a funny voice clip that was circling.

Then I told him that I had been upset with how things were left. He replied and said aww sorry. Then he fell asleep. Text me yesterday and just apologised for falling asleep. Then put a thumbs up to my it's ok have a good day at work. He did confirm he didn't know why he wanted to get in touch but felt he wanted to see how I was.

I just don't understand. Why come back? Especially without saying I want to be just friends or whatever. It feels like he doesn't even know himself. But to unblock me and send a request must be for a reason?

The fact he isn't wanting to make conversation and not taking an interest in me is really confusing me!

There's alot more to this than I can write without making the post too long.

It feels to me like he's come back but he is dodging me at the same time. I just need some advice from men or women who have been treated the same.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2021 06:02

People like this come back because they get off on seeing that you're still interested, that they still have you wrapped around their little finger. It's about control, his ego, and nothing more. Stop feeding the beast. Block him.

category12 · 21/05/2021 06:04

Ego boost. Wants to check you're still on the hook if he wants a shag.

Question that's more useful to you would be: why are you entertaining this guy who plays hot and cold, is on the hunt for other women and refuses to engage honestly? Why are you chasing poor treatment?

TheQueef · 21/05/2021 06:05

You need a man to explain this?

AmandaHugenkiss · 21/05/2021 06:07

My ex did this all the time. Dodged important or uncomfortable questions, ignored things he didn’t want to talk about. Only talked about superficial things, never asked about me other than how are you. Never wanted a difficult answer to that question.

I thought he was complicated, and confused, and bottling up his feelings. He wasn’t. He was a selfish, manipulative man only out for his own gains. He wanted to know he had backup sex and someone who he could have fun with while he was looking for a better option.

He doesn’t care about you. That’s what this behaviour is telling you, and that is my experience with men like this.

Scarydinosaurs · 21/05/2021 06:09

He enjoys knowing you still want him, but he doesn’t want any commitment hence avoiding the tough questions.

He is getting his ego stroked and keeping you open as an option, as some people get their validation that way.

JackieWeaverFever · 21/05/2021 06:10

Disclaimer,: i have a vagina but for the purpose of this post am self IDing as a middle aged man.

He's bored and wants an ego boost.
You are wasting your time.

Hth.

Oreo01 · 21/05/2021 06:11

It doesn't sound like this is a good idea to revisit. No sign of commitment or intent. Probably more that you are an option (sorry).

LeuvenMan · 21/05/2021 06:12

From a mans perspective (clues in my user name), his behaviour is toxic. You don't need someone like this in your life.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 21/05/2021 06:15

He is selfish and bored. It’s all about him. He wants the kick of a younger woman but doesn’t want any commitment or make any plans. Men like this in their 40’s are not right for women in their twenties especially if you want marriage or kids.

Dontletitbeyou · 21/05/2021 06:19

Things are probably pretty quiet his end . He fishing to see if , should he feel so inclined, you are available for the odd hook up . Testing the waters if you like .
If someone is genuinely keen ,they don’t ‘fall asleep’ that’s BS, and a lazy excuse for something more interesting came his way .
As others have said , you’re wasting your time if you’re hoping he’s back in touch because he’s seen the light .

thelegohooverer · 21/05/2021 06:22

I’m also not a man but my first thought is that he’s testing his new gf’s boundaries by flirting with his ex in front of her.

PaperMoonshine · 21/05/2021 06:22

He's not interested.

He's bored/has no other interest from elsewhere and enjoys the little bit he gets from you. Messaging you occasionally keeps him occupied.

But he has no real interest in your or he'd respond to the more meaningful questions and ask about you.

Men like this in their 40s are plentiful. I'm in my 40s and I see them all around me. Desperate for validation by younger women who they have no respect for and incapable of having relationships with women their own age who don't validate them in the same way. Either in terms of ego or literally.

You look at him and no doubt see a slightly vulnerable, unlucky in love man who has finally discovered real feelings and possibly doesn't know what to do with them. He looks at you and sees someone who doesn't see through his bullshit like women his own age and thinks you will put up with his disinterest and lack of impetus. And he's right, isn't he?

Yutes · 21/05/2021 06:23

This behaviour means that he needs to grow up.

Butterfly44 · 21/05/2021 06:26

You'd feel much better if you blocked him so he can feel what he did to you. How much is your self worth?

PaperMoonshine · 21/05/2021 06:27

In fact, his, "Aww sorry" response tells you everything you need to know. He is bored by talk of emotions and impact. He doesn't want that. Certainly not from you.

Original poster
Sweetsundayz · 21/05/2021 06:28

Thank you. The way he was with me before doesn't match up to this pathetic reappearance. I just don't see why he would want me bothering him if he's lost all feelings. Surely I just get on his nerves.

I figured he was either playing games or realised he doesn't like me afterall .

The thing is though if he can't say anything to make me feel good then he's got no chance of anything even if he was only hoping to use me in his mind. Just feels cruel to invite me back in with no plans to even say can we be friends.

Thanks for the replies!

OP posts:
PaperMoonshine · 21/05/2021 06:31

Also to clarify, he also believes that you will accept this breascrumbing behaviour because, as much as you hold views about him because of his age, he holds similar ones about you because of yours.

If he pulled this nonsense on a woman his own age, she'd just block him. He knows she'd think he was being a dick. But he believes that a younger woman will be less worldly wise and less experienced with men like him and so will be more receptive to it.

confused1974 · 21/05/2021 06:33

To OP, I have had this several times. I was naive at the beginning and did accept their friendship request/chat to them. Then I learnt (also I read Female dating strategy on Reddit) and now I block immediately. Exes are exes for a reason. There are great men out there why go through your old rubbish?

Good luck!

Bumzoo · 21/05/2021 06:37

He's just pulling your string to see if you're dangling.

You are and he's getting a huge ego boost.

Nothing more.

Original poster
Sweetsundayz · 21/05/2021 06:43

Thanks. I know I have all the questions and yes I do sound pathetic on here. But I am smart which is why I questioned him before. I think he's used to doing as he likes and theres alot about his past that shows how he can be.

I'll be honest I fell in love with his "alpha side" but I guess there's this tiny part of me that thinks surely he can't be 100% cruel.

I know he is a broken depressed insecure scared man wrapped up in a gobby exterior.

I just wanted people to sort of explain this behaviour as I gathered it would be one of three things.

He did have some feelings and might care a little tiny bit.

He's playing games to see if I still will want him or to hope others will see me on his social media.

Or the third he realised fast that he had no desire to talk to me again after all and it was closure for him.

I agree the aww sorry was pathetic and didn't acknowledge the pain he caused me having to reset my life after he went from 110% to nothing in seconds.

I guess this is me just thing to process everything.

Two things he has said that have raised my eyebrows are

"No i haven't found anyone else I'm happy single and don't want a relationship"

" I'm going away to work for three months. Don't know if I'll be back at weekends. To be honest there's nothing for me to come back for"

I agreed with him and he said yes there's nothing much here for you. He said "I'm only going away for work"

I can see the games. It just helps me to talk then through.

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 21/05/2021 06:48

Breadcrumbing....

It's just a huge ego boost for these idiots, I've had this and because we are decent we think they are, they aren't.

Yutes · 21/05/2021 06:48

This is so he can have a guilt free shag.
He’s not wanting a relationship. As pp have said - he’s seeing if you are still on the hook and he can be selfish about what he wants

KateTheEighth · 21/05/2021 06:49

He's fucking with your mind and loving the fact you are still interested

This won't end well unless you block him and accept he's an arsehole who will add nothing to your life

As is so often the case in these situations it's like watching a cat playing with a mouse

Badpicknic · 21/05/2021 06:51

OP this is your second post about it isn’t? And you got the same replies then. Book in for a meeting with a therapist before you do your own head in even more.

My friend is going through something similar and is obsessed with it. She literally can’t think of anything else and I think she is actually having some form of mental health crisis.

secretrugbyfan · 21/05/2021 06:54

Male here......

As difficult as this is going to be, run to the hills!!

He's suddenly realising what he's lost and he wants it (you) back. The gradual contact, just to see if you are still interested, then the quiet treatment, then more contact...sadly he's stringing you along.

You need to go completely NC with him, and move on with your life.

Do you have one or two close friends that you can confide in? They could help you through this. It's hard at first, but it does get easier over time. And assuming you are UK based, the easing of lockdown restrictions should allow you to get out and about more.

Someone in their late 20s/early 30s (I'm just guessing at your age from your original post) should not be worried about a 40 something bloke who refuses to discuss conversations with another woman who is clearly flirting with him.

As for the age thing, someone once spoke to me about age gaps in relationships. There will be many on here that this next thing will apply to, and will tell you don't worry about age. So, as a rule of thumb, if you are dating someone younger than yourself, use the 'Half your age, plus 10' on their age. So on the assumption the man in your post is 42, if you are younger than 31 then think very carefully before building a relationship with them.

Stay strong OP, and I hope that you find someone that realises how lucky they are to have you.