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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any men on here to advice me on this man?

80 replies

Sweetsundayz · 21/05/2021 05:54

Please don't tell me to block and move on. I more just want to focus on what this behaviour means?

I was with someone in a close way for 6 months. We exchanged I love you. We were extremely open with eachother. This man was older than me by 13 years. He was early 40s. Was 3 years out of his last relationship. He has depression and issues from his past so he's very up and down and I think to an extent he is scared to commit.

Meeting me I think threw him as he got real feelings. But he was doing abit of sneaky window shopping online and i got abit sick of things when one of his divorced school friends that he's never seen started flirting with him online right Infront of me. We split up because he didn't want to talk about it.

I've been struggling the last few months. He blocked me on everything and realising the stuff we had said was gone hurt.

4 days ago he sent me a friend request on Facebook. I messaged him and asked why. He said he wanted to know how I was. I said I was ok and asked him the same. Then he just stopped messaging.

I left it 24 hours then asked him more about what he had been doing and asked him if had meant any of the things he said. He replied the next morning as he fell asleep. Dodged the meaningful questions and Just replied to the general chit chat.

All day he talked about himself and responded in a chatty way. But asked me absolutely nothing. He filled me in on his work plans and all that stuff. Sent me a funny voice clip that was circling.

Then I told him that I had been upset with how things were left. He replied and said aww sorry. Then he fell asleep. Text me yesterday and just apologised for falling asleep. Then put a thumbs up to my it's ok have a good day at work. He did confirm he didn't know why he wanted to get in touch but felt he wanted to see how I was.

I just don't understand. Why come back? Especially without saying I want to be just friends or whatever. It feels like he doesn't even know himself. But to unblock me and send a request must be for a reason?

The fact he isn't wanting to make conversation and not taking an interest in me is really confusing me!

There's alot more to this than I can write without making the post too long.

It feels to me like he's come back but he is dodging me at the same time. I just need some advice from men or women who have been treated the same.

OP posts:

Tulipsandviolets · 21/05/2021 08:35

Don't waste your time he's not interested and is using you. Mind games are very cruel op

IND1A · 21/05/2021 09:02

@Branleuse

No point trying to understand people like this. Youre not the dickhead whisperer

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 21/05/2021 09:05

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@Badpicknic there's several threads along these lines under different names. All very very similar [/quote]
And all with a very similar writing 'style' 🙄

WouldBeGood · 21/05/2021 09:07

Why do people post multiple threads?

Frazzledfranny · 21/05/2021 09:17

OP your focusing on the wrong person.

You need to find out why YOU are behaving like this. Recognise your behaviour in this situation. If you work on yourself you will prevent this from happening again. There is only so much arm chair psychology you can do to work out why he behaved as he did.

It could be in-depth
It could be that’s he’s just a dick pissing you about.

The only thing you know is real is you. So work on you

Rainbowqueeen · 21/05/2021 09:25

The amount of time you’ve spent wondering about why could easily have been spent in doing something constructive that benefits you.

Don’t waste any more time on this guy
Block delete and do something fabulous for yourself instead

HerMammy · 21/05/2021 09:28

The only thing you need to know is he’s a selfish twat, block and stop the hand wringing; it’s exactly what he wants,

AsanteSana · 21/05/2021 10:23

Oh OP, I do feel for you, I really do - a very similar thing happened to me recently and I am still bruised, battered and hurting and not sure that I will ever again place my emotional faith, trust and wellbeing in the hands of another human being!

I was sucked dry by an emotional vampire who love bombed me, future faked, played with me and my thoughts, feelings and emotions, like a cat with a mouse and left me to crawl off and die wounded in a corner when something newer, shinier and more exciting grabbed her attention. But still makes sporadic contact, still calls me by the pet name she coined for me and acts as though nothing had ever happened.

I cannot advise you as I am still unable to bring myself to block, delete or avoid all contact, but you are not alone.

I suspect that this behaviour is indicative of narcissistic personality traits, not unique to men! I am trying to be strong, as you must be, but it is hard, very, very hard.

And, yes, I am the male party in this dynamic

AsanteSana · 21/05/2021 10:25

OP, I am sorry, I have hijacked your thread to exercise my own catharsis, and not offered you much help, I apologise

Yellowcrockpot · 21/05/2021 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Taikoo · 21/05/2021 10:46

A fortysomething fuckboy.
Wow - what a catch.

Ditch the loser.

crimsonlake · 21/05/2021 11:26

You are not listening to any advice on here, so convinced are you in your mind that it is you he really wants.
Stop wasting your time and energy over analyzing him, he does not deserve it. Time to move on and say next!

category12 · 21/05/2021 11:47

Seems like what you would like to hear is that he's scared of his deep feelings for you and only you can save him from his mental health issues and brokenness.

And that would be why you need therapy. And to stop watching rom-coms. Your love can't cure what ails him.

You need to understand yourself why you're aiming so low as to be hooked on a guy who is breadcrumbing and disrespectful, and why you are looking for a project instead of a partner.

wanadu2022 · 21/05/2021 12:02

This man is such a loser, why on earth would you want to be with him no matter what he wants? He's a 40 year old with no maturity, emotional intelligence or even empathy - you might as well date a 21 year old tbh as at least then you'd get someone with less baggage and more potential.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 21/05/2021 12:05

@TheQueef

You need a man to explain this?

This. In spades.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2021 12:08

Op you’re clearly still hung up on him and want him back. It doesn’t seem the feeling is reciprocated, I’m sorry. So you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself, not sit looking for hidden meaning and hoping. 💐

SkedaddIe · 21/05/2021 12:14

It means he’s open to low effort no commitment sex.

stripeyflowers · 21/05/2021 12:17

He seems to fall asleep a lot. All that effort and caring and seeking to understand etc. I would turn that back on yourself because it sounds like you may need it. There really are better men out there.

maskface212 · 21/05/2021 12:35

@Sweetsundayz

Please don't tell me to block and move on. I more just want to focus on what this behaviour means?

I've been struggling the last few months. He blocked me on everything and realising the stuff we had said was gone hurt.

4 days ago he sent me a friend request on Facebook. I messaged him and asked why. He said he wanted to know how I was. I said I was ok and asked him the same. Then he just stopped messaging.

All day he talked about himself and responded in a chatty way. But asked me absolutely nothing. He filled me in on his work plans and all that stuff. Sent me a funny voice clip that was circling.

The fact he isn't wanting to make conversation and not taking an interest in me is really confusing me!

There's alot more to this than I can write without making the post too long.

It feels to me like he's come back but he is dodging me at the same time. I just need some advice from men or women who have been treated the same.

I was with someone in a close way for 6 months.

OP by 'close' do you mean that you were shagging and he treated you like a free counsellor? Poured out all his bull shit to you for hours and treated you like a human garbage dump. He'd cleaned his pipes and then went on his way, feeling somehow lighter and freer.

You'll notice that his behaviour revolves around only one person and what they are getting in this scenario.

He has depression and issues from his past so he's very up and down and I think to an extent he is scared to commit.

He's not 'scared to commit' he has a sweetshop mentality and was obviously fishing for the next catch while you listened to his crap. Why hasn't he taken responsibility for his depression and mood disorder?

He dodged the 'meaningful questions' because he doesn't give a crap. He's using you and wants to get laid. If he cared about you, he wouldn't have treated you so badly in the first place. Flirting with other women in front of you is very disrespectful and you thinking his arrogance and disrespect towards you is attractive so called 'alpha behaviour' is why he's coming back for more as most wouldn't take it.

He blocked you because you were becoming a pain in the arse wanting to be treated like a human being and not a toy, so he blocked you. He is dodging 'meaningful questions' because he wants to keep things light and doesn't want to get involved. You explain that you are hurt and upset and his response is 'I don't give a fuck, stop whining' or 'awww sorry' and then walking away.

It's called 'training' and it's what you do to a dog with kibbles. Good behaviour or behaviour he likes such as general chit chat and shagging, is rewarded with him giving you attention. Bad behaviour such as telling him you're upset, wanting him to change, wanting a grown up conversation is rewarded with the spray bottle which is him walking away from the conversation and backing off and blocking you.

Why come back?

He wants to get laid and the irons he had in the fire while he was seeing you have fallen through.
You're young and naive. You have reframed his bullshit as 'alpha behaviour' and he's getting away with it.
He's training you with attention kibbles and you're learning. After all you're still there
You can't see through him OP. He's a prize arsehole and you're wondering what the real and deeper meaning is behind this. There isn't any. He's a run of the mill prick and that's why he's single in the first place. Don't worry, he does this with everyone, it's not because you're less lovable, it's nothing to do with you.

wobblywinelover · 21/05/2021 12:52

OP think about the probability factors here.. is he 1. a great guy who isn't in touch with his feelings or in denial of his feelings and secretly in love with you but suffers from narcolepsy or is he 2. exactly the type of bloke previous posters have told you he is because they are drawing on their own experiences of this type of behaviour.

I'd go with the latter

Seadad · 21/05/2021 13:39

Some men like to collect exes who are there to fall back on, get back in touch with, indulge them for am ego boost, casual sex when they are at a loose end. FB is an easy way to keep tabs on someone, catch up on their situation, so knowing how available they might be.
Don't be a mug and block and move on as this man is a dick!

ProfessorPootle · 21/05/2021 14:26

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

The thing that stood out for me in your post was: 'Meeting me I think threw him as he got real feelings'. One of my best friends was a relationship with one of the biggest dicks it's ever been my misfortune to meet. And when he left her high and dry, as we all knew he would, her messages were full of all that nonsense: 'I know you're scared of how you feel about me'; 'You're running away from the best thing you've ever had because you've been burned before and can't commit' 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 Except it was bollocks. These men don't cut and run because they're blindsided by their feelings, ffs. They do it because they're arseholes and want the next new shiny thing. Any turd who sends you hilarious voice clips, 'thumbs up' emojis and the gem 'Awww sorry' isn't battling with his feelings. He's stuck at 13 years old and not worth the steam off your piss. Wise up.

THIS x1000.

I had a bf at uni when i was 20, he was 31. He was hot and cold, couldn't commit, was a bit of a twat in all respects but was good at the love bombing in the beginning and then the crumbs trying to get me hooked. Luckily I walked away. It wasn't me, it was him. These guys don't really have feelings for women, they're too selfish and in love with themselves for that. This was 25 years ago, I still see him on fb occasionally and he's still the same, lots of female followers, lots of posts about his latest car, no family of his own at 56.

premium77 · 21/05/2021 15:22

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4244027-Do-you-think-hes-always-been-this-way-or-changed-since-her?pg=2

This is OP. She’s notorious for not taking advice given to her. She name changes and changes minor details of the story to not be recognised. @autumnalrain called her out for it last time and OP decided to be abusive to her in response. Don’t waste your time giving advice to this woman, she doesn’t listen.

bangheadhere40 · 21/05/2021 15:26

It might not be the same poster...she says not, little unfair if not.

BigHeadBertha · 21/05/2021 15:44

It sounds to me like he is not interested in you romantically anymore. I would not hold someone to saying they love you when their actions don't back it up. Sounds more likely that he had feelings for you but they passed, as they often do.

Also, I would resist the urge to diagnose. Typically, when someone has decided to move on from someone romantically, it is not because they are depressed or anything else but simply because the infatuation they had for that person ran its course. This happens far more often than not, unfortunately.

It sounds like he does not like confrontation. Many people don't so they try to slip away rather than handle it directly rather than risk having to deal with a big scene or even the other person's tears.

His actions now seem to me to back up that avoidance type personality, rather than anything sinister. How I read it was that now that some time is past, he thought it would be safe to see how you're doing and perhaps chat a bit or other casual, friendship type connection with you. I, personally, always preferred to move on completely from anyone once a relationship ended but some people do not, they like to keep people in their lives, even if on more of an acquaintance level.

It seems to me he is letting you know these things by his actions, which is far more true than words. In my opinion, no big interpretation is required. What he wants is most likely shown clearly by how he acts. He's backed off from you, and now that some time has past, he's tried to reconnect but does not want to discuss anything romantic or sexual with you, only light, nonpersonal topics.

Please resist the urge to read in any intentions that he hasn't clearly shown. If a man is interested in you romantically, you will not have to guess.

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