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Original poster

Men and women can never be friends argument

90 replies

pipsqueakbollock · 21/05/2021 00:32

I've been friends with a man since we were 16 now mid 40's. We worked together when young. Visited at Uni. Always hung out when home.

Met other halves (me first) at tail end of Uni.

Hung out as a four. Got married. Had babies and due to our friendship- still hung out but less regularly.

It dwindled. I know his wife didn't like me. I suppose I know he fancied me when young. It wasn't reciprocated. I like him, his family, even his wife.

Years pass. His wife had an affair. He took her back.
My husband had an affair and we divorced.

More years pass. We'd have lunch a couple of times a year. Didn't bring families together anymore as I was single, more recently he said his wife doesn't like me (code for she knows he used to like me).

More life passes.

Lately our paths have naturally crossed again - we work close by each other.

We have both been hurt by our spouses having affairs, yet we are not affair people.
But then there is the huge great big But.

I'm struggling and need a big fat dose of MN glaring. Give me your best shots Grin

I can talk to him about everything except the elephant in the room. Which is an increasing tension. It isn't even sexual. It's more born of loneliness. Well, for me anyway. I know he is lonely in his marriage.

There are children. It's about 8 years until they all have left home. No way would I put mine through any more trauma.

Right. Got that off my chest. Might actually get some sleep tonight Grin

I need to stop seeing him don't I.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 21/05/2021 00:38

Men and women can absolutely be friends, but I don’t think you can be friends with this particular man right now.

Sakurami · 21/05/2021 00:49

It would be a shame to mess all this up for something that is just loneliness.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 21/05/2021 00:57

I second Sakurami this isn't anything more than you both feeling lonely. I think the loneliness you are feeling is causing a bond that is basically drawn from the need of attention/affection in both of you and it could blow up if you're not careful, especially as I'm not getting the impression that there is any emotional feeling beyond friendship between you, this has the potential to ruin that.

I think maybe a conversation and a break as such would be a good idea to preserve the friendship? Because like Jassy said, men and women can be friends.

wanadu2022 · 21/05/2021 01:07

When you realised he had feelings for you, you should have taken space from him. How was his wife supposed to feel knowing he's so close to someone he once fancied/ and likely always did? It probably left her quite insecure for most of their relationship. Maybe why he forgave the affair. Feelings don't just vanish you know when you see the object of your affection every day.

You've both been insensitive here tbh. The minute one friend fancies the other, the platonic element is over. It stops being a friendship and more an unrequited love. Friends do not fancy each other. Even if you don't act on it it's incredibly unfair to his spouse. And now even worse that you can sense tension and are available.

Please stop contact and give him a chance to focus on his wife and marriage. You need to find someone of your own too so you're not stuck in this non friendship friendship UNLESS you do want to be with him. In which case be honest with him and see what he says rather than staying in contact and carrying on in this mess.

DotCottan · 21/05/2021 01:08

He chose to take her back after her affair, so if he really wanted to end his marriage then he would have. You really need to remind yourself of that and move on with your life.

Now is not the time to mourn on what could have been, you need to get on with your life. Whether he is lonely or not, does not matter. He is still with her. He’s not being held prisoner against his will, is he? So you need to let him go.

His wife doesn’t like you, perhaps she too had an instinctive feeling that there were residual feelings between the two of you? Either way, she had an affair and so did your now ex-husband. You chose divorce and this guy didn’t so you need to look at why that is? He might still have some kind of soft spot for you but he’s with her for a reason and you need to respect that and keep your distance. And yes, stop seeing him. Perhaps from his wife’s perspective, her husband had or is having an emotional affair? Not everything is black and white.

Be careful of putting people on a pedestal. Unless you have actually lived with that person, can you truly know what they are like, warts and all.

CorianderBee · 21/05/2021 01:13

This always annoys me. I'm 26 and I have around 5-8 close male friends. They have NO interest in me. They've grown close to my boyfriend. I'm literally a baby sister to most of them. Maybe it helps that half are Muslim
And I'm not? But it's so false that you can't be friends. We are all very close and if you asked them they'd laugh at the idea.

Meanwhile my depressed sister who's struggling and has few friends has had her best mate say they can't be fiends anymore because hes in love with her. It's sexist as fuck.

It's obviously upsetting as a man to learn that their mate doesn't want to fuck them (eurgh) But what about the women who thought they had a true friend and learn their mate was only there because they thought they might have sex with them?

Lizzie523 · 21/05/2021 01:14

I have a friend a bit like this. There are times we have had to have distance including once when we entered into an emotional affair during a time when I was lonely and single and he was going through a bad patch with his partner.

I reasserted boundaries and took a year away from being in touch and told him why. Now we are good platonic friends again.

CorianderBee · 21/05/2021 01:15

Although your situation sounds like you want more?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2021 01:22

I have a few good male friends. However someone has to not fancy someone. Either it's been me (mostly) or them.

It sounds like you are feeling sad and you know he's a good bet to like you, what with having carried a torch. Which is settling for you and mean to him.

It's so unhealthy and I bet it wouldn't even actually be fun.

user1481840227 · 21/05/2021 01:43

@CorianderBee

This always annoys me. I'm 26 and I have around 5-8 close male friends. They have NO interest in me. They've grown close to my boyfriend. I'm literally a baby sister to most of them. Maybe it helps that half are Muslim And I'm not? But it's so false that you can't be friends. We are all very close and if you asked them they'd laugh at the idea.

Meanwhile my depressed sister who's struggling and has few friends has had her best mate say they can't be fiends anymore because hes in love with her. It's sexist as fuck.

It's obviously upsetting as a man to learn that their mate doesn't want to fuck them (eurgh) But what about the women who thought they had a true friend and learn their mate was only there because they thought they might have sex with them?

Most people have close friends of the opposite sex in their 20s. It's later on when people are settled in relationships, often with kids and far less of a social life that more boundaries naturally occur among opposite sex friends or friendships stop being as close.
Popandhop · 21/05/2021 06:13

Men and women absolutey can be friends.

However in this situation it sounds like the friendship has already crossed the boundaries.

He is starting to confide in you emotionally, you mention he is lonely in his marriage and he is coming to you and discussing his wife, this is boarding the line of an EA from his side.

I think you are unknowingly becoming the ow in his relationship.

I have seen enough post on here with women saying "my husband is meeting a childhood friend and discussing our marriage" to know alot of people on here would tell her its an EA and to LTB.

Countrycode · 21/05/2021 06:41

Logically I know men and women can be platonic friends - but realistically I've never seen it! There's always one who fancied the other at some point IME. Yours is one of those. I'd stay away. If my husband was behaving like this I'd consider it cheating 100%.

bitheby · 21/05/2021 08:03

This whole thread is heteronormative. Some of us are attracted to the same sex or both sexes and this would mean that bisexual people can never have any friends which is plainly ridiculous.

I know that's not really what the thread is about. Focus on the specifics of this situation and not sweeping generalisations.

MsDogLady · 21/05/2021 08:43

Does his wife know that you two are meeting more frequently? She feels unsettled about your relationship, as well she should, as he is dismissing her discomfort and building deeper intimacy with you.

Are you enjoying being in this triangle? My advice is to remove yourself and find validation elsewhere.

Original poster
pipsqueakbollock · 21/05/2021 09:11

Thank you all
Great responses

To be fair to him, he doesn't discuss his wife with me at all. Mostly we talk sport, kids, work and we always find a joke.

I want to stay friends. My current loneliness is born of some current stress in my life rather than a long term thing. I think that is why my head is muddled because I'm not quite myself due to the stresses.

I want to reassert the boundaries. I like the idea @Lizzie523 of a break much as it saddens me.

I sense the melancholy in him for his marriage, I think it is slowly dying which is the reason for him to 'like me' again. But he's melancholy for the past.

We were both very much in love with our spouses throughout our 20's and 30's. The affairs happened at a similar time ironically but we didn't discuss them for another year afterwards.

I don't know why I am finding it hard to find the words to cut him back so to speak.

OP posts:
Slightlylostalongtheway · 21/05/2021 09:16

My dh best friend is female and I love her as much as he does. She adds to our friendship by sharing things he forgot etc, we often go out without him. But, there is a girl he works with (he will chat to anyone and this comes across as flirting a lot of the time, even with men!) and she is developing an attachment to him, she is blunt and rude when I call. He has withdrawn from talking to her because it is not on an equal footing and when you start discussing problems in your marriage or the "friend" is not adding anything to your relationship then you are on a slippery slope to an emotional affair which can be even more damaging than a one night stand for example

CorianderBee · 21/05/2021 14:06

@user1481840227 really? Well I very much do not look forward to people abandoning me in my 30s/40s. I've been with my partner for eight years... I've never been an option for them. I'll be very sad if this becomes an issue later in life.

CorianderBee · 21/05/2021 14:08

@bitheby

This whole thread is heteronormative. Some of us are attracted to the same sex or both sexes and this would mean that bisexual people can never have any friends which is plainly ridiculous.

I know that's not really what the thread is about. Focus on the specifics of this situation and not sweeping generalisations.

Agree. I'm bisexual. I do find women more easily assume friendship. But still, I manage very well to have friendships with both sexes without wanting to fuck them.
coronaway · 21/05/2021 16:02

I'm in the camp of saying men and women can't be just friends. The only time I've seen it work is when they have been very close pre puberty.

Is it that surprising though? Generally people are friends with people they like. If I was gay I'd probably fancy my girl friends despite them all looking and being quite different.

SwimBaby · 21/05/2021 16:07

How often do you speak to or text him?

StarlightLady · 21/05/2021 16:19

May l turn the tables on the original question. For those who think men and women cannot be friends, do you think a woman who is lesbian can be friends with another woman?

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 21/05/2021 22:14

I think men and women can be friends - just not sure about best friends. Maybe I'm naive, but I think if I'm married to someone of a gender I'm attracted to, then I'd want to be their best friend too because, well, intimacy.

I can't see any way having someone other than your partner, who is of their gender, being your "bestie" (who isn't close family, obvs) that wouldn't undermine your relationship to be honest.

user1481840227 · 21/05/2021 22:38

@StarlightLady

May l turn the tables on the original question. For those who think men and women cannot be friends, do you think a woman who is lesbian can be friends with another woman?
I've read threads before from lesbians who have straight female friends or their partner does and that's fine, but it's when a lesbian has a close friend who is another lesbian then that causes issues!
bitheby · 21/05/2021 22:41

@StarlightLady

May l turn the tables on the original question. For those who think men and women cannot be friends, do you think a woman who is lesbian can be friends with another woman?

It's like my question. I'm bisexual so I think this means I can't have any friends. Just in case. Hmm

Onthedunes · 21/05/2021 22:51

You are being disrespectful to his wife, you have admitted his marriage is heading towards the shitter, do you think you are helping their marriage or destroying it.

Find a single person to ego boost, stop using him.
It's selfish.
Stop talking crap about what sexes can be friends with other sexes.

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